Mrs.

[ctg492]

I accepted after being with hubby since the stone ages, 1978, that I am in many companies minds a second class citizen because I am wife. I fought this forever. I did not change my name till 15 years after we were married. I have never used Mrs. I refused to deal with a company that would say things like Will your husband be available for the meeting (remodeling or building or insurance comps). I don't know why I fought this but I did.
Being whipped from events in my life today, I gave up I guess in so many ways. The other day as I was getting insurance for the new home, the question was asked Who was the primary name. I again noticed my name came in second on the papers. I wonder why in 2014 it is still like this? Also I will see Mr. on titles relating to business, but not Mrs.

[rosarugosa]

I never changed my last name, and on the census form, I check off both our names as head of household. I've always used Ms. rather than Mrs.

[razz]

DH and I discussed this many times and he supported my frustration and often would correct situations where the question arose by telling the parties that I was the one to speak to not him but... it did take him to say so.
As I have thought about it since the mid 1960's, I have come to accept that when one name is needed per household, it was DH's but everything was put in both our names forever. As a widow now, everything is in my name and, you know what, it really doesn't make any difference to how I feel or perceive myself.
With that newer perspective in mind, I see the single name as a statistical issue as long as all critical data is in both names.

[goldensmom]

I am the Mrs. and my husband in the Mr. and that is fine with me. Other peoples definition or view of 'Mrs.' or 'Mr.' does not matter to me. I know who I am and a title or position on a legal document or piece of paper does not change that. I changed my last name to my husbands last name because it was important to him. I did it out of respect and to honor him and have never regretting doing so.

[CathyA]

I took on my husband's name when we got married, because I didn't want a long-hyphenated name and I didn't want the children to have to have that either. So now we all have the same name.
If I had been well known with my maiden name, I probably would have kept it. But.....even then, I would have wanted my kids and me to have the same last name.

I have no qualms about correcting people who make comments about referring to the need for my husband's info. But I do recognize that he is the sole money-earner in the family, so some things just have to involve him.

When I was young and in the midst of the women's liberation movement, I was really probably over-demanding about issues. Embarrassingly now, I would even get ticked off when men would hold a door open for me.

But I do wonder............do women who are more sensitive to these issues come from an upbringing where the father was overly-controlling, or a jerk............and some of our battles for recognition /respect come from a reaction to that?
Just wondering.

[mtnlaurel]

This is kind of twisted & sick... but I get a kick out of telling people, "I'll need to speak with my husband about that and get back to you" to put them off on something.... like when a pushy salesperson is after me, telemarketer, etc. (I just giggle inside)

It sounds so 1950s.... I have a warped sense of humor.

[Kestrel]

Together 51 years, so of course it never occurred to me not take DH's name. Besides, it has 13 letters, so hyphenating the two would have been hilarious. No big deal, because of "the times". Eh. All of our utilities are in my name (who knows why, probably because I called to set things up). I can understand the "patriarchy" mind-set behind it, but none of it matters to us -- we know who we are. And we're too old to care.

[pinkytoe]

I am not offended by this tradition. Also, I have a ridiculously common surname that I was glad to shed. I suppose if I had a very strong career established before marriage then I would have kept my "maiden" name. Now that's quaint - being a maiden!

[CathyA]

When I worked at one place, there was someone with the last name of Bumb, who had a daughter. Another person had a last name of Rapp and had a son. They thought their kids should get married, making the last name Bumb-Rapp. :laff:

[Mary B.]

I didn't keep my name -- when I got married back in the stone age, I had to go to the department of vital statistics to change it back. When we lived in France back in the 80s, we had to explain endlessly that I had kept my name "jeune fille." It's not traditional everywhere though -- in Korea everyone keeps the name they started out with so I fit right in.

I'm not offended by the tradition particularly, though I did find it rather quaint and amusing when my nieces change their names. It strikes me as a rather old-fashioned idea, though it seems that most people do it now so I suppose keeping one's original name is the old-fashioned thing to do!

[creaker]

I don't go for honorifics, period. I detest forms that require you pick one.

Although recently I did a donation and they must have had like 20 different ones available - I picked "Admiral" :-)

[iris lilies]

I prefer H.R.H. If you call me anything else, I won't respond. :D

[JaneV2.0]

I don't go for honorifics, period. I detest forms that require you pick one.

Although recently I did a donation and they must have had like 20 different ones available - I picked "Admiral" :-)

Hahaha--I often do that. I like "Reverend."

[ApatheticNoMore]

I'd settle for She Who Must Be Obeyed (SWMBO). Oh who am I kidding ...

[Spartana]

I kept my own name when I married and (now ex) hubby was just fine with that - and actually proud of my very independent streak and took pleasure in introducing me as "This is my wife, Spartana Adanadana" (not my "real" name :-)!). Didn't hyphenate either. We were married 17 years and I never had any issues with this. Most legal documents listed both our names - sometimes me first, sometimes him first. The only people I had issues with about the "name thing" was my own Mom (she of the old-world European upbringing). But she eventually came around and respected the fact that I kept my own name when I married and used it that way. She had just as much issue with me keeping my somewhat unorthodox job too and choosing not to have children or a traditional marriage.

[pinkytoe]

DH always says "yes bwana" to me.

[Spartana]

I don't go for honorifics, period. I detest forms that require you pick one.

Although recently I did a donation and they must have had like 20 different ones available - I picked "Admiral" :-)Well I would have picked "Supreme Overlord of the World" (SOW to Iris Lilly's HRH) but I think that was already taken :-)!

I always thought it was strange that women had a honorific for their status as married or single (Mrs. and Miss) but men didn't. You guys are Mr. no matter what. I know that Ms. equalized that though and most women I know, whether married or single, using their own name or hubby's, uses Ms.

[catherine]

This is kind of twisted & sick... but I get a kick out of telling people, "I'll need to speak with my husband about that and get back to you" to put them off on something.... like when a pushy salesperson is after me, telemarketer, etc. (I just giggle inside)

It sounds so 1950s.... I have a warped sense of humor.

I do that, too!! It is so helpful to have people so clung to stereotypes about people my age (62).

I stick with Ms. when I can. Hyphenating last names seems logistically difficult--so do you alphabetize by the first part or the second part? So I did abandon my childhood middle name and replaced it with my maiden name (another term from a bygone era), and I use the "three-parter" for things like Facebook registration and connections with old classmates.

[larknm]

I changed my name to DH's and had my former last name obliterated by Social Security--because I liked his family and not mine and never liked my former name aesthetically. I use Ms. or Dr. on petition requests--otherwise I can't remember how it comes up, but I really don't like titles, especially ones (like Dr.) that denote hierarchy. Mrs. does too, in my opinion. I really just identify with my first name. I never identified as single or married, just me.

[Gardenarian]

I never changed my last name and never used Mrs. I don't care for it much, but whatever they use is going to offend someone. I find it most often used by phone solicitors, and I don't want to talk to them whatever they call me!

[Yarrow]

I'm just glad to not be a Mrs. anymore!! ;)

[Miss Cellane]

I'm single, never married. It's helpful for when telemarketers call, because they always ask for "Mrs. Cellane." I can safely say that no one by that name lives here. I use Ms. all the time--there's no reason people need to know if I'm married or not.

One change I have noticed with younger women (in their 20s and 30s) is how they use Mrs. these days. Back in the 60s, when Mary Smith married John Jones, she became Mrs. John Jones. Today, women are keeping their first name, so they become Mrs. Mary Jones. I see this as a compromise between keeping their maiden names and completely losing their identity, as with "Mrs. John Jones," you have no idea what their name really is. Way back when, I think it was only divorced women used the "Mrs. Mary Jones."

But when my brother, with a short, easily spelled and pronounced last name, married a lovely woman with a long, poly-syllabic, difficult to pronounce name, she gave me a startled look when I asked if she was keeping her maiden name. "Are you kidding? Of course I'm taking his name. I can't wait to stop having to spell my name ever time someone asks for it!" She's kept her maiden name professionally, as all her diplomas and degrees and certifications have that, but otherwise she uses her married name.

And there was a department store, now lost under the Macy's umbrella, that required its salespeople to look at your check or credit card and call you by name. Very startling to have a stranger call me "Mrs. Cellane," especially since the "Mrs. Cellane" that called to mind was my mother, not me, and Mom had died many years previously. Made me feel as if a ghost was hovering over my shoulder with every purchase I made there. Not, I think, the effect the store was going for. But interesting that the default was "Mrs.," not "Miss," or "Ms." I guess I was supposed to feel flattered that they thought I was married or something? I didn't.

[catherine]

And there was a department store, now lost under the Macy's umbrella, that required its salespeople to look at your check or credit card and call you by name. Very startling to have a stranger call me "Mrs. Cellane," especially since the "Mrs. Cellane" that called to mind was my mother, not me, and Mom had died many years previously. Made me feel as if a ghost was hovering over my shoulder with every purchase I made there. Not, I think, the effect the store was going for. But interesting that the default was "Mrs.," not "Miss," or "Ms." I guess I was supposed to feel flattered that they thought I was married or something? I didn't.

I worked at an upscale department store for a while and, yes, we had to always call a customer by Mr. or Mrs. Whatever. But I think we could use "Ms" which I'm sure I would have used just to be safe.

I know a lot of people hate it when their kids' friends call them Mr.___ or Mrs.___ --my DH will say, "Hey, that's my father! Call me J___." I have the opposite reaction. I don't mind being Mrs.___ to them at all. I'm old-fashioned enough to think it's respectful. Growing up I called most of the women I admire deeply Mrs.__ and I can't imagine having called them by their first names. I know that is such a throwback, but that's OK.

Now, it's a little weird when those kids are adults and are still calling me Mrs.____. A few of them have transitioned over to my first name, which is totally fine. Whatever makes them feel comfortable.

It's funny because DH hasn't been in the work force for a while, and he was writing an email to a new sales lead and he asked me, "Should I say, Dear Dave or Dear Mr. Smith?" I almost choked on my coffee. First of all, I never use "Dear" in the salutation of an email. Second, does anyone call any peer by Mr. or Mrs. in communications anymore?? I call my vet Dr. M__ and I call my doctor Dr. M___ , but that's the extent of the formalities. I couldn't believe my own DH was so out of sync with current email practices in business

Oh, and I am happy to be called Grandma by my new grandson when he starts talking. I'll accept that formality!

[mira]

I got married last summer and went through some mental/emotional turmoil over these issues!

In the end I decided to add his last name onto mine (so i'm now Mira MyLastName HisLastName) primarily so I could share a name with our future kids. Yes, we could opt to give our offspring hyphenated names or whatnot, but we want to go for the ease of the patrilineal tradition.

Also, I refused to become a "Mrs"... I opted for "Ms" because I don't see why my marital status should be reflected in my title if my husband's is not.

I also find it irksome to receive mail addressed to "Mr & Mrs HisFirstName HisLastName"... Why has my name been swallowed up by his? Do I only exist in relation to him??

[Sad Eyed Lady]

I am the Mrs. and my husband in the Mr. and that is fine with me. Other peoples definition or view of 'Mrs.' or 'Mr.' does not matter to me. I know who I am and a title or position on a legal document or piece of paper does not change that. I changed my last name to my husbands last name because it was important to him. I did it out of respect and to honor him and have never regretting doing so.
I agree with goldensmom, just not a big deal to me. Last week I spent some time in a social setting with an old friend I had not seen in maybe 20 years. She was introducing me to everyone using my name before I was married, (40+ years ago!), because we had gone to school together and that is how she most readily thinks of me. It felt SO STRANGE to be called by a name I had not used in all these years. That was another person! Also, someone here mentioned how women used to be, (and maybe still in some cases), are referred to as Mrs. John Smith etc. I was thinking about this recently, how I never hear that used anymore - a wife being called Mrs. then her husband's name. I didn't know if it was still done or not, but I haven't heard it or come across it except in reading old books. It always strikes me when I see it in print. I do not like that form of address, it is as if the woman no longer exists except as a variation of the man. Otherwise, I am okay with being Mrs. me or Ms me - doesn't matter.

[jp1]

When I was a kid my parents used to always vote separately. In fact they almost seemed to make a point of it. Eventually when I was a teenager I asked why. Apparently shortly after they got married in the 50's they went to vote together. The woman checked dad (a democrat) in. Then she asked mom her name and looked for her in the democrat register and couldn't find her. When mom said "I'm registered republican" the woman turned to the voting booth where dad was and shouted "what's the matter? Can't keep her in line? Hahaha". Mom somehow refrained from punching the woman but went to vote on her own from then on.

[ctg492]

Mira, I did that too years ago. I wanted my future children to know family. All the right reasons and good intentions so is said. My youngest son I used my maiden name as his middle. When he was about 7 ish I found out he thought he and I were a family since we had the same names and the other son and dad were a family, we all lived together. His little mind viewed the names different then I had hoped!