Does Anyone Know You're Here? [Archive]

kib

11-22-14, 1:02pm

A funny thing happened on the way to the forums ...

About the time I made my abrupt exit from SLN, a really startling thing happened to me. I had been struggling in my marriage, and my DH had been overseas on a 6 month assignment. I was posting here a lot about my difficulties, and working on transitioning the forum from Dave-based platform to this new one, and maybe a little out of control in what I was posting.

DH came back, I was still struggling with the massive transition between re-establishing a path of evolution and his demand that everything go back to the way it was. Still posting about it. We went to a get-together with his cousin and some friends of hers and got to talking about what we do with our lives, I mentioned this forum, and one of the friends burst out, "Oh my God, you're Kib, Karen In Bisbee!" Oh My God indeed. :0!

Apparently I was something of a celebrity for these two lurkers, but frankly I was mortified. My online self was extremely real, but also more irascible and outspoken and forthcoming about my personal habits and thoughts than my face-to-face personality, there's a lot of stuff I wouldn't have told a casual acquaintance that these two knew about me. I love Cuz, but she's not at all on this page and would have felt alienated by a lot of the stuff I'd said here, that's not the Karen she knew. Not to mention DH being right there ... It was all fun, the lurkers didn't lord this over me in any way, and I tried to steer the conversation to their simplicity habits, not mine, but inside I was sooooo uncomfortable.

So ... several years later, DH knows I post here, I think he knows my screen name. He posts with a motorcycle forum that seems to have the same comraderie we do and has his community over there. I have never gone over to his site; I don't know if he has a presence here but I don't think so. At this time, I feel like I'm basically anonymous again, and I'm more comfortable with myself and feel like my SLN persona and my real life persona are more or less in sync.

So ... how do you manage your real life vs. your onscreen life? Has anything like this ever happened to you?

ApatheticNoMore

11-22-14, 1:20pm

I used to keep an online dairy of sorts in blog form open to world, lots of philosophical musings etc., I mean it was designed to entertain and say something middlebrow interesting, that was high priority, not just to be a dairy. But it was also highly confessional of what I was doing in my life and my real thoughts and feelings toward it. I think someone I was in a relationship at the time with may have found it (this was over a decade ago so not some recent thing) and someone I was thinking of being in a relationship with almost certainly did and in the latter it caused all sorts of very weird and scary behavior (although my dating experiences have been a whole heck of a lot of that anyway >8)). None of those people were part of my life much afterward.

iris lilies

11-22-14, 1:23pm

Oh yeah, there has been an uncomfortable interaction now and then, all my fault. But not a lot of them and hey, I do blab here more than anyone else and I've been doing it for years. No wonder! I do know that anyone reading much on this website could figure out who I am IRL if they put their mind to it. I always forget that there are lurkers.

DH and I meet up 1 or 2 times a year with someone who used to hang out on this board. She's great and her husband just took early retirement. They are very serious gardeners and share it rather like DH and I do: one of them does edibles and the other does ornamentals.

Kib, because of you I've been looking at Bisbee for snowbird vacations. It looks like a cool place although the desert isn't really my thing.

kib

11-22-14, 1:43pm

Iris, I'd suggest Bisbee for a weekend, and not in the coldest part of the year. Right now it's really nice, will be nice again in March. There isn't enough to do to recommend it for much longer than that, and it's sort of isolated from anything else I would find exciting, but it is a neat place to spend a couple of days.

I'm pretty sure there is someone on these boards who knows you IRL, I recognized the signature style in the first post I read. Kudos to you.

ETA - I once had a private conversation with someone here who was talking about not wanting people IRL to know who she really was - i.e. her unmasked online persona. I mean in a way that implied she has a public face of some sort and I already knew it. I was fascinated but never asked.

iris lilies

11-22-14, 1:54pm

Iris, I'd suggest Bisbee for a weekend, and not in the coldest part of the year. Right now it's really nice, will be nice again in March. There isn't enough to do to recommend it for much longer than that, and it's sort of isolated from anything else I would find exciting, but it is a neat place to spend a couple of days.

I'm pretty sure there is someone on these boards who knows you IRL, I recognized the signature style in the first post I read. Kudos to you.

ETA - I once had a private conversation with someone here who was talking about not wanting people to know who she really was. I mean in a way that implied she is a public face of some sort and I already knew it. I was fascinated but never asked.

Oh sure there is that person who I know IRL from days of yore, but that was before this board. I was thinking more along the lines of interactions with posters I "met" here.

kib

11-22-14, 2:01pm

I have had a few "almost meet-ups" here, but never actually met anyone IRL except for the lurker girls. I'm a bit sorry I didn't meet the people who actually reached out and tried. At one point I thought an actual physical gathering of lots of us would be awesome, but on reconsideration I decided no, I really like the intimate novelty of "knowing" people for whom they wish to be, and I like the intensity of talking to people on our own terms, not the occasionally excruciating and awkward "cocktail party" persona I might meet (or be) IRL.

CathyA

11-22-14, 2:23pm

I enjoy the anonymity. I'm very honest about myself online and never try to be someone I'm not.

I am on a local forum, but have absolutely no interest in meeting any of those people in person. although one did figure me out when we were talking in the produce section of the local store where she works. Even that was a bit scary. I'm not trying to hide anything.........just am not very social in "real life".

I am grateful for the internet, since it allows me to be social on my own terms. Yes, it's weird......but oh well, I'm weird. :)

nswef

11-22-14, 2:39pm

KIB, I never made the connection with Karen in Bisbee. Pretty cool that I can remember you from back then. I don't think I'd mind seeing people In Real Life, but I don't want new friends yet. It's good to have a group where one can chat and not be terribly social, but can read what people think and react or not. I do miss the AOL forums on travel. The New York and England boards were fantastic and I miss them. Thank you
to all of you who post.

kib

11-22-14, 2:49pm

Lol. Ironically, I changed my screen name because of people here who were concerned about my anonymity ... apparently too little too late. I don't actually care anymore, I'm now Karen In Tucson, with about 200 other Karen's, and I would like to feel I've grown less chameleon-like IRL, what I say here, I'd say anywhere.

catherine

11-22-14, 3:48pm

iris lilies

11-22-14, 4:36pm

Very interesting--to be called out at a function by your user name!

My family knows I post here, but they don't know my user name. There was a time back in the early 2000s when I actually stopped posting for about two years because DH had a very strange reaction to my posting things online to strangers (he really doesn't like or get the whole social media thing and is very suspicious of it). So I still keep my online persona on the downlow as far as he's concerned.

I've left in a legacy document instructions for my death, and one of the things I asked my family to do in this letter is to post here and let you guys know--not that you would care, and not that I would haunt them if they didn't do it, but being that I do care about the people here and would want to know about you all, I just thought it wouldn't hurt close the loop officially.

I did have a meet-up with another poster here (you know who you are :) and it was awesome--surreal actually. Like watching a cartoon on TV for years and then having the live body of the cartoon walk through the door. It was so much fun to just chat about our mutual "friends" here. I am not opposed to breaking my anonymity in those cases.

ah, that is so wise and smart of you to put in your will: notification to those here and closure. I've been thinking about that. DH doesn't know my passwords although he could find his way here easily enough, he calls you all my "little friends," he just wouldn't be able to post. I guess he'd figure it out.

Something that I've found to be haunting is a Facebook page of someone who died. Just yesterday I went looking for her page again. Last time I'd seen it she had been dead a couple of years. Yesterday, I didn't find it, so that's good, perhaps her family retired the page.

And in the other thread of names from long ago who used to post on the Simple Living forums, I thought of NoTVCal. She was young and died suddenly, and her sister came onto this website and let us know that. She was a fairly active poster. That was probably 12 years ago.

iris lilies

11-22-14, 4:42pm

kib, the reason why you have fanlurkers (my new made-up word) is that you are such a great writer! Your posts are always lively.

kib

11-22-14, 5:15pm

Gardenarian

11-22-14, 5:17pm

I would be a little disturbed to find that my friends read this board and knew who I was!
My dh knows I post here, but it's not his thing, and he never reads it.

CathyA

11-22-14, 5:57pm

kib.......I read that IL wrote "the reason you have frankfurters"..........lololol!

Actually, I think it's a neat idea to have someone in our families know how to inform our internet friends if anything happens to us.
(not that anyone would miss me). It's just nice when someone disappears to know what happened.

I hadn't thought of Hoosiernan for awhile. That was sad.

kib

11-22-14, 6:26pm

We have frankfurters because DH doesn't watch documentaries.

Of course you would be missed!

iris lilies

11-22-14, 6:35pm

kib.......I read that IL wrote "the reason you have frankfurters"..........lololol!

ok then the new word will be: furkers

so that no one, you know, umm, mis-reads it.

:laff::laff::laff::laff::laff::laff::laff::laff:

Alan

11-22-14, 6:46pm

I've never tried to hide who I am online and I've told several people about this site although I have no idea if any of them have ever visited. There's really no difference between the online me and the actual me, well other than I believe the online me is better looking.

JaneV2.0

11-22-14, 6:58pm

I plan to slip away quietly when I go.

As I've been culling paper lately, I came across a bunch of e-mails, IMs, and letters that I wrote during the most trying period of my life (so far) and was struck by how verbose I was. I hope succintness (succintity?) isn't a sign of approaching dementia. Or maybe that period took so much out of me that I've only a husk left. I rather think that's it.

I don't think any of my RL friends read this, but like Alan said, it wouldn't matter if they did. And I'm better looking on line too!

iris lilies

11-22-14, 7:06pm

:thankyou:

I like your new word and always enjoy reading your stuff, too. Feel like my writing lately consists of little chunks of thought strung together with commas, I'll have to try a bit harder.

Do you remember when ... oh lord I hope i have the right name ... Hoosiernan died, and her family notified us? I thought that was incredibly classy.

I think it was another poster who lived in her city who notified us that 'nan died. That was very sad, just when she was getting out on her own after having raised her children to live a life she wanted, she got cancer. That sucked.

kib

11-22-14, 7:26pm

Those furkers are out to get me! I'll bet that's what a lot of real celebs would like to say, so good on you, Furkers it is.

Was 'Nan the woman who had been struggling with her husband and thinking of leaving and then he got sick and she finally decided to leave anyway? I always thought that was very strong of her / whoever it was with that story; just because he got sick doesn't mean she deserved another heaping of spousal misery.

ApatheticNoMore

11-22-14, 7:30pm

As I've been culling paper lately, I came across a bunch of e-mails, IMs, and letters that I wrote during the most trying period of my life (so far) and was struck by how verbose I was. I hope succintness (succintity?) isn't a sign of approaching dementia.

I only get more verbose, but have wondered if the verbosity may be a sign of approaching dementia (well it may take awhile to approach but ...)

razz

11-22-14, 8:30pm

Some years ago, I met up with a couple of SLN members and it was fun in a way but they were just everyday people that I might meet at a horticultural society meeting.

DH used to be upset with the amount of info that I picked up here and the feedback to questions because it was happening outside his world and he felt left out, I believe.

Zoe Girl

11-22-14, 8:45pm

Okay weird story, the other person in the hasn't logged on in awhile but we have each others emails. I won't share her name unless she wants me to, however it is such a cool story. Many years ago (I was under a different name then) when I finished my masters she sent me a gift card to a bookstore she had and didn't have much use for, it was awesome. A real boost to me after a long 2 years of grad school. We had contact off the forums as well now and then.

Then in the last year she said she was not just coming to the US but coming to my city!!! She lives halfway across the world. I got to meet her for lunch and join her at her friend's traditional Tibetan Buddhist wedding. It was amazing. We had known each other for about 10 years on line, just wild. I met another friend from another group when I needed to take a teacher test in Phoenix and had one night there, He and his wife took me out to a very nice dinner.

Now I would be creeped if anyone from real life was on these forums. I use this as a safe place to talk through some things I need privacy for.

Tradd

11-22-14, 10:27pm

I once met HomeNurse, who used to post here, when she came to my place 10 years ago to give me something. That's the only IRL interaction with someone else here.

Now, my firearms forums are different. I'm on an IL only forum, as well as a huge one. I spent some time with my friends from the IL only firearms forum, a few gatherings, some classes, shooting together.

I've met a number of local people from the huge firearms forum, although there is some cross-over from the IL forum. People on the huge firearms forum know what I do for a living as I've talked about it. I've had several people reach out to me with questions, talked to them on the phone, and pointed them in the direction of a local customs broker.

Rogar

11-23-14, 12:07am

I have mentioned I use this Simple Living forum to a few friends, but I doubt that they care or are interested. Needless I try not to be anything in the cyberworld that I wouldn't be in person, so it really doesn't matter.

mschrisgo2

11-23-14, 12:22am

Interesting. I belong to a breed specific dog forum, and many of us make it a point to connect in person when we can, which is often possible as there are regional and national breed specific shows. We go to support those showing dogs, then go out together to drink and dine to celebrate the victories! Several of those people have become very close friends over the years and we pm several times a week as well as participate in the forum.

lhamo

11-23-14, 1:29am

I often wish I didn't live so far away so that I could meet more of you in person!

I think it was kshankar who either came back and posted to let us know about Nan, or maybe she emailed me and I let you all know. I met kshankar when she was on a trip to China a few years back. We're still friends on Facebook (she's in Ireland now, in case you didn't know).

I had dinner and drinks with redfox and Rosie on one of my trips home to Seattle. That was fun.

And being able to invite Zoegirl to my friend's wedding was just AWESOME!!! Total random connection of worlds that just worked in some way. Not to mention my dear, dear friend's husband lives in Longmont, which those who hang out on the MMM forums know is where MMM lives. I feel like some weird cosmic force is pulling me there somehow. Loved being there and would love to go back.

I often wonder what happened to WJSimon and her daughter. I admired her so much for how she handled the challenges in her life, and was so sad when her cancer came back. I hope her daughter is ok. I know she had good friends who had agreed to be guardians.

If anybody is planning on passing through Beijing, please do let me know -- would love to meet more of you in person. And maybe we can have a Seattle-area get together sometime. I'm actually going to be around from mid-Dec through Jan 9th, and would be up for a gathering if others are, too.

ApatheticNoMore

11-23-14, 1:31am

Needless I try not to be anything in the cyberworld that I wouldn't be in person, so it really doesn't matter.

I don't think it's anything like that. One is probably already a dozen people in the real world, when talking: to one's mom, to a date, to the CEO of the company one works for, to a friend, to a shrink, to one's dairy etc. And then one tries out a dozen other personalities online. If you can't even play with the last then it seems to me like being obsessed even online with how you might come across to someone who knows you in person and not being able to play with it at all.

shadowmoss

11-23-14, 4:20am

I'm nicer online than I am in real life. Also I'm more organized online, and keep dates I make, unlike in real life (waves at IL). I keep my online and real life separate for the most part. I just had this discussion with my neighbors because they FaceBook and post pictures, and I asked not to have my real name used online. Especially in an arena where folks could figure out where I live.

rosarugosa

11-23-14, 7:26am

Catherine: I think that's very considerate. I would want to know and to let others know if it was me. We are all actual human beings IRL!
I too have mentioned this Forum often enough, and nobody I know IRL seems interested in joining. Some of my friends/family do seem to perceive me as a resource for personal finance type advice, but I don't know others who are really focused on FI or a more simplified lifestyle.
I like the anonymous feeling of the Forum, but I don't delude myself that it's truly anonymous, and I think I'm pretty much the same online and in-person. I do censor myself in some areas - work topics being the primary one - because I know I could bump into someone here who realizes who I am IRL. So there are work relationship things I have thought of posting but did not, because I decided it could be perceived as a violation of my employees' privacy for example.

Packy

11-23-14, 8:46am

I am on two other interest forums, and one of them, which has members in the USA, Europe and Australia is one where I have actually met participants in person. One, as it turns out, lives only 2 miles away & I've been over to their place. I'd lived near them for 20 years prior, without meeting them. My observation is: When that board started up in 2005, some of the people had been on another forum that was more "rough and tumble", and already knew each other, even IRL. As time went by, new people came on board. The age of the posters is an average of 60, I would bet. So, they're not kids. The running stereotype is they are "cheap--assed". For the first few years, it had its' problems; people were quarrelsome & the board was cliquey. But, in the last 5-6 years or so, things have settled down, and it is a much better place. I might mention that they even have a "passings"(obits) thread topic category in the forum. That said, I don't expect to encounter any of you kids by chance, but if I go into an upscale Pizza Place sometime, and see someone order an extra-large meat lovers special, piled high with ooooeey-gooey Mozzarrrrelllie cheeeese, I'll know it's you.

rodeosweetheart

11-23-14, 8:47am

Kib "Was 'Nan the woman who had been struggling with her husband and thinking of leaving and then he got sick and she finally decided to leave anyway? I always thought that was very strong of her / whoever it was with that story; just because he got sick doesn't mean she deserved another heaping of spousal misery."

No, no, she was the person who got tired of how her husband treated her and she left him, moved out into a mobile home she rented ,and then got cancer and passed away. It thought it was horrible, because she was finally standing up for herself and trying to make a new life.

I have always felt grateful to Hoosier Nan because she mentioned a job that she had been offered and did not take, and then I researched the company and found work there. So I owed my job to her, in a way, and was so pulling for her to find a happy ending. And she probably did, I am just too limited to see it right now.

Float On

11-23-14, 9:32am

I don't think anyone local knows I'm on this message board. I guess I don't mind since I have my photo on here.

I haven't met anyone IRL from this board but on the old Frugal Moms boards when changed into Frugal-Families I've met several people. One in Seattle met me at the airport, one in Atlanta met me as I passed through, one in Houston came to an art show we were at, one localish (45 miles) met me for a coffee, one close to my hometown has met me several times over the years - we picnicked at the covered bridge when our kids were tiny and now they are almost grown up.

Gregg

11-23-14, 11:25am

I've told a few folks about these forums over the years, but so far as I know none of them saddled up. DW knows I jump in here pretty regularly. She likes it that I do because my time spent hashing out issues in the political arena here lightens her burden at dinner. She would enjoy the group here, but just isn't an online type of person. Regarding meeting up, I'd be happy to grab a cuppa with any of you that find yourselves wondering through Nebraska.

Teacher Terry

11-23-14, 1:43pm

No one I know is interested in these types of forums. Most are more interested in Facebook which bores me pretty quick. However, if anyone is coming to Nevada I would love to meet them!

IshbelRobertson

11-23-14, 5:56pm

No-one I know knows about this board, or i don't think so!

But, i am a member on a few Scots websites and met four or five members. I was slightly apprehensive, but... Due to our warm relationship online, I chose to meet them in real life.

They are still friends today.

catherine

11-23-14, 6:07pm

So, I do market research once or twice a year in LA, Seattle, San Francisco, several cities in Texas (mostly Dallas, Houston, and occasionally Austin), Atlanta, St. Louis, Kansas City, Chicago, Denver, Phoenix, Detroit, Boston, Washington DC, San Diego, and a few cities in Florida (Tampa, Ft. Lauderdale/Miami).

Sounds like I have an open invitation in Nevada and Nebraska and Beijing (wish I did research in Beijing, and unfortunately I never have done market research in Nevada or Nebraska). If anyone is interested in a brief meet-up on the off-chance I have time during one of these business trips, let me know. Ishbel, last time I was in Scotland was in 2007, and we stayed in West Lothian. Sadly, we don't have any trips planned at this point, but maybe someday...

early morning

11-23-14, 6:34pm

Not many people know I post here. I did change my name right about the time the forums changed, because there was a resurgence of local interest in the vanished wetlands that was my user name, and when I googled it, one of my posts about my family was the first thing that came up. I don't really care at this point if anyone knows who I am or not, and I don't make a lot of posts. I did meet Fawn once, she and several of her children came for dinner when they were in the area. I'm not really a people-person outside of work, I actually surprised myself by inviting her, but we had a nice time and I was so glad they came! We have vastly different approaches to simplicity (she has 100 things; I have 100 things per square foot, :|(). . . I too wonder about people who are no longer here, especially those who are/were ill, and I think asking someone to post when someone passes is a nice gesture. I have been thinking of WJSimon and her daughter quite a bit recently for some reason. Part of me would like to meet many of you, and part of me is happy with the anonymity I have here.

IshbelRobertson

11-23-14, 7:01pm

Catherine... If you ever get to the UK.... give me a shout.:)

I have some family in West Lothian.

catherine

11-23-14, 7:19pm

Catherine... If you ever get to the UK.... give me a shout.:)

I have some family in West Lothian.

Thanks, Ishbel!

I looked through my travel journal and found these notes from June 1, 2007:

Cut down through Glencoe—unbelievable! Moved quickly down the A82 to get to the Hilcroft Hotel in Whitburn, where the party was. I took my MIL to get her hair done at –get this – Curl up and Dye. The party was a huge success!

My MIL invited all her friends and relatives from Carluke and Shotts to come to this party and we really did have a great time. A few of the people who were at that party 7 years ago are now dead, including my MIL. So, as iris lilies said in another thread--we should all party like there's no tomorrow. It all goes so fast.

Spartana

11-24-14, 5:22am

Hi Guys - Have been MIA for a bit and just lurking, but thought I'd share a story here some of you probably know already: A former member here, my arch nemesis and best SL BFF Simply Gib (AKA Gary), was once camping out in Arizona for a couple of months. At another campsite next to him was a couple in their RV with their dog. They all became friends and had dinners and drinks around the campfire, hiked, biked, etc... Several days they realize they are both members of the forums. Ends up the woman was our very own Humbolt Gurl and her tri-pod dog Jerry (who had a PBS documentary about them). Pretty amazing coincidence!

I have met a few of the posters here from the former SLN forums (won't mention names as they no longer post here) and my sister and some friends know I post here. Have also met some people from the MMM boards who live in my area IRL.

larknm

11-28-14, 7:48pm

I think only one person I know besides DH knows about this forum and that I post here. My other friends would be surprised--as they don't have the same kinds of interest in this stuff, it wouldn't occur to me to bring it up to them, although a couple of them do simple living things their own ways and always have.

I really appreciate Catherine's intent t let us know when she dies. I get real attached to people, including here, and that would matter a lot to me to hear it--because she matters a lot to me.

catherine

11-29-14, 8:32am

I get real attached to people, including here, and that would matter a lot to me to hear it--because she matters a lot to me.

:)
Back atcha, larknm.

RosieTR

11-30-14, 10:09pm

I bet it's really weird if people IRL figure out who you are online, then mention it IRL. I've had only good experiences: once meeting Lainey when we were in AZ and that was really neat :-) A totally different online/IRL story that happened was also really great. I have a cousin who has a friend in Longmont whom I'll call Clark. Clark, my cousin's DH and my DH all had gone a few times to craft beer events. Totally separately, I checked out the MMM blog and found out there was a CO meetup, but was disappointed that it was full already. DH at this time had *just* gotten on FB, and friended Clark. DH (who had not taken a ton of interest in simple living online) mentioned something about the meetup on FB to which Clark replied "I *know* MMM, he'll be fine, come on down!" So we went, met MMM and some other bloggers, and had a great time getting to know Clark better. And best of all, DH got way more interested in finance and investing! So the IRL/online thing was really pretty dang awesome for us!

As for DH, I think he would easily guess my moniker and such, but I don't think he lurks or anything. I'll potentially have to keep in mind that he's likely to read MMM posts, whenever I get on there.