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I had some things that got me thinking of right speech this week, and I got to share at my Sangha as well. The start was working with one of my schools where I often am greeted by 'oh miss, that Mary, she is so bad' by a staff. The girl in question does present challenges along with a few others, can I be honest, we work in the ghetto. There is a lot of stress there.
So the staff has never told Mary or her family this and yet it affects everything. Meanwhile Mary came to tell me what is happening at home, sounds like brother has hepatitis among other things. Wow, totally different. Why did mary speak to me when I am only at her school a couple times a week for a more limited time? Well when I hear 'mary is so bad' I ask what happened and then i address the behavior. In addition she gets a clean slate with me every visit. I am not focused on her being bad but a behavior that may have many causes including her own stress and a reaction to being labeled bad (yeah kids know).
So Right Speech, the first step is to carefully watch our words with others of course. To watch that we are not creating more suffering with our words (and body language and tone). But the next step I am seeing is how we watch our words even beyond watching gossip when no one can hear. We can create more suffering by making a judgement instead of observing and collecting information. How does this work, well when we also are experiencing the lack of independant existence it seems that it must work this way. We create stories about ourselves and others that create a perception and in turn affect lives. I can see this through the times I have done this in a way I call un-skillful. I told a story that was not negative yet the other person took something away I did not intend and I did cause harm. In other cases I have had moments of clarity where I realize how another sees me based on the stories I am aware of the ones I have not heard and it is surprising. I know that no one has meant harm by saying things in most cases yet those stories take on a life of their own and are perceived in many different ways.
So if you are on the Buddhist spectrum (no unlike the autistic spectrum) I challenge us all to spend a week being aware of the levels in right speech, then come back and share. Even if I am talking to myself right now, lol
I like what you wrote. I am the manager of my unit (inpatient court-ordered psychiatry) and the most valuable thing I have learned to do this last year is how to set the emotional tone of the unit. Up until last year, I was getting more skilled at managing my own emotional reactions to situations, but now I am seeing the benefits of being able to lead others in this. Funny thing is, it's not so much what I say, as what I do and my tone of voice.
I'm just amazed at how rarely right speech comes out naturally from our basic emotional makeup. What were our tribal ancestors thinking?
I like what you wrote also.
Demonstrates why so many speak of haveing to overcome their education.
Einstein reportedly wrote,"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."
to spend a week being aware
Why stop at a week?
Remeber Huxley's 'Island' & the birds that called "Karuna, karuna" ... "attention, attention..."
chord_ata hits the spot with the observation concerning our conditioning and reactivity.
Oh don't stop at a week of course, just check in at a week and share (or share now if you want). Easy time frame to focus and remember
winterberry
3-26-11, 8:50pm
I've sometimes thought about trying to speak only when necessary, as a spiritual exercise. Maybe I'll try it for a day. Don't know if I can do a week. But "necessary" would include being friendly when spoken to. Speaking less allows us to listen more. And a smile can say more than words.
Right now I'm in a situation where I'm being judged at school due to stories that have been spread about me. I'm also being judged in my Sangha for perceptions people have of me and of why I left my marriage based on things people said about me that were not at all accurate. It's very painful for me some days - especially the situation with the Sangha. And I have to really watch myself to not react negatively to the people judging me, and to not use harsh speech with them. I haven't always succeeded, that's for sure.
So this is something I'm trying to work on right now, too. And it's made me positively hate gossip, and want to avoid it at all costs. Zoe Girl, you are right - even something not meant negatively can be easily misconstrued if the listener is inclined to do it. Every listener brings their own expectations and preconceptions to a conversation. And if the listener has a personal motive to believe the worst of someone (as is the case with one Sangha member and me), then things can go to hell quite easily.
Sounds like you're in the hot seat DarkStar where you're
where I'm being judged When such nasty gossip is taken on (by you) then you feel horrid and what is happening is that you are reinforcing that gossip.
So what about trying this: realise that they are not gossiping about you; but about their idea of you in their heads! It's true.
Then watch it as if it's a video happening to someone else (ie remove your emotions from the story). See what's happening ...
not only are you not giving reinforcement but actually you are starting to feel sympathy for them because they are pathetic ...with lack of awareness and nothing better to do than to talk about other.
Part of spiritual growth is learning autonomy - standing on yr own two feet. This also includes not giving two hoots about
what others think or say. These people are yor teachers right now ... so do the homework and you'll be delighted with what happens.
Winterberry - when you were little did you learn this:
the wise old own sat on an oak,
the more he heard the less he spoke.
the less he spoke the more he heard,
why can't we all be like that wise old bird?
Thanks, nithig. I do try not to react to it. But some days I'm better at not reacting than others. I can handle the stuff at school pretty well. I don't really care what most of the people there think of me, and those I'm closest to know the real situation. But at the Sangha, it's harder not to let it get to me. I haven't been sitting with them long, just since I've moved here, and they don't know me well enough to know that the kind of behavior they're attributing to me is just not something I do. I'd respect them more if they confronted me directly about it - then we could clear the air. It really hurts that some people there think of me as an unethical person.
But you are right, people who judge based on gossip are pathetic. The person at the Sangha who is most judgmental of me clearly doesn't know me at all - she's reacting to some other woman she's made up out of the stories she's heard. I don't think she'll ever see me for the person I really am until she lets go of these ideas of me in her head. I just try not to react badly to her. I do find myself not speaking up much after the Dharma talks, though, because right now I feel people will misconstrue things I say. But that's okay - I don't have to talk every time.
Oh darkstar, I understand. I have situations like that especially when I lived in a small town. People didn't know me but it also had the effect of me not speaking much for fear of the perceptions they would have. Very painful, we are social creatures. I would like to say that sticking to your ethics will eventually pay off, it will in your feelings towards how you are handling yourself but it may never change anothers perception. I didn't create any more harm but it took its toll to absorb a certain amount of negative stuff by not reacting back. These are the times we need a place like our sangha and we don't always get that. I had fallout with my church when I left my marriage even though they seemed to understand the issues there was still a huge push for me to be the spiritual 'bigger person' but at that point it meant choosing to accept more abuse or stand up for myself. As a result I lost my church with my marriage.
Oh darkstar, I understand. I have situations like that especially when I lived in a small town. People didn't know me but it also had the effect of me not speaking much for fear of the perceptions they would have. Very painful, we are social creatures. I would like to say that sticking to your ethics will eventually pay off, it will in your feelings towards how you are handling yourself but it may never change anothers perception. I didn't create any more harm but it took its toll to absorb a certain amount of negative stuff by not reacting back. These are the times we need a place like our sangha and we don't always get that. I had fallout with my church when I left my marriage even though they seemed to understand the issues there was still a huge push for me to be the spiritual 'bigger person' but at that point it meant choosing to accept more abuse or stand up for myself. As a result I lost my church with my marriage.
Thanks, Zoe Girl. It must have been hard, losing your church while you were losing your marriage. It's so easy for people outside the marriage to tell you to stay, to tell you that you should be able to handle the problems. If they had to live it themselves, they might see it differently. No one can decide for your life but you.
If things don't settle down at the Sangha soon, I might quit going for a while. Or only go once or twice a month. I don't want to. I really like sitting with a group. It helps me keep sitting at home on a regular basis, too, because you have that encouragement. And I've made a couple of friends there, and I'll miss them if I don't go.
Thanks, nithig. I do try not to react to it. But some days I'm better at not reacting than others. I can handle the stuff at school pretty well. I don't really care what most of the people there think of me, and those I'm closest to know the real situation. But at the Sangha, it's harder not to let it get to me. I haven't been sitting with them long, just since I've moved here, and they don't know me well enough to know that the kind of behavior they're attributing to me is just not something I do. I'd respect them more if they confronted me directly about it - then we could clear the air. It really hurts that some people there think of me as an unethical person.
But you are right, people who judge based on gossip are pathetic. The person at the Sangha who is most judgmental of me clearly doesn't know me at all - she's reacting to some other woman she's made up out of the stories she's heard. I don't think she'll ever see me for the person I really am until she lets go of these ideas of me in her head. I just try not to react badly to her. I do find myself not speaking up much after the Dharma talks, though, because right now I feel people will misconstrue things I say. But that's okay - I don't have to talk every time.
I agree with nithig, those people are your teachers. My questions to you are these: do you judge others based on just hearsay and/or incomplete information? Have you communicated negatively about people to other people in a secretive way, i.e. without letting them know? Have you thought (inner speech) negatively of others without telling them? Publicly disrespected them in written word? How well do you know the people at the Sangha?
The word Holy comes from the word whole, complete. I've been judged by others as lazy, stupid, unkind and a bunch of other adjectives I found uncomfortable. Until I looked at myself and found those "negative" aspects of myself, I was incomplete: not whole, un-holy. I ignored my humanity which is the union of yin and yang, not just yang.
It seems that the human race is playing the game: "I know what perfect is and it is only the positive attributes, that's what I am". One may say that they know they're not perfect, even far from it, but when one is criticized on an admitted "fault" how often does one respond as such? Often there is an attempt to justify, rationalize, minimize and the perennial favorite, externalize.
If I don't find balance and make friends with the negativity that others see in me, my freedom from the pain, I think they caused, is hopeless and I'm dependent on the fleeting opinions of others for my self worth.
If someone referred to me as a diabetic or as a blue horse, I either calmly let them know they're mistaken or laugh (respectively) because I know I'm neither of those things. If, however, someone says that I'm a bad parent, and I'm still harboring beliefs of inadequacy around parenting, then I react: BOOM and there is my suffering.
The truth, as I see it, is always right out in the open and/or so obvious that it's nearly invisible. It is no accident that a common theme of the mystics and masters of all religions is related to the proverbs, 'the Kingdom of Heaven is within' and 'let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me'.
The view that others are pathetic is an ignor-ance game that is played to export the thorns in our insides! The operative word in the last sentence is "view". One's view is never ever the truth, it's just a rendition of it we really really love to love (e.g. by finding others to help us hold it up). I submit that until one realizes that gossip is a futile efforting to find a spiritual and mental stasis, find compassion for that struggling and unbridled love for those who are apparently disrespectful, there will be no peace.
It's just too simple.
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