Some humour - "and then the fight started"

[razz]

Some old, some new – a good chuckle or two…

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year...
And that's how the fight started.....
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

[catherine]

You had me L-ing OL!!!

Thanks for the afternoon laugh-break.

[frugal-one]

Oldies but goodies.... thanks.

[iris lilies]

funny! Thanks for the laugh today.

[Packy]

Like Henny Youngman used to say: "You take my Wife........Please---Take My Wife!!!" That's what he used to say, he really did. Henny, a work-o-holic standup comedian, was noted for saying that. It was one of his stock jokes. Funny, isn't it? Well, isn't it? I'm just sitting here, wondering something & I thought I'd ax you kidses' advice. Okay--spose you run for local office--say County Dogcatcher or something. Then, you get roped into a challenge from your opponent for a Televised debate, okay? So, right when you are telling your audience, the electorate, how qualified you are at rounding up strays, and then your opponent blindsides you with the classic: "You're no Jack Kennedy!" Then how do you respond?

[shadowmoss]

That response was to a Republican (forget, was it Dan Quayle? I don't really get into politics and it was while ago...) who was attempting to drape himself in 'I'm young and attractive just like Jack Kennedy' examples. It was one of the most elequent comebacks I've ever seen, immediate and sincere, staring with 'I knew Jack Kennedy... You are no Jack Kennedy'. I thought as the original debater was talking that he was truly stupid to take someone from the other party as the one he should be compared with. Truly, truly stupid. So, if this is the situation where someone tells you that, you do what that person did, look totally embarassed that his prank was called on so successfully.

[Packy]

Shadow; Truth be known, Senator Bentsen, a Classic Texoid, lobbed that one out-of-bounds when he zinged Dan"Potatoe" Quayle on their televised "debate", in 1988. IIRC, Quayle's original comment was a response as to whether he was experienced enough, in view of his comparative youth, to serve as Presy-dent if he had to. He simply said that He has served in congress as long as as JFK had, when he took office. I kind of was in Danny's corner, but the deal is, he did not come back with a clever, sarcastic response, to put the jerk Bentsen in his place. Quayle just acted hurt and offended and indignant and victimized, like some Left-Coast Liberal. I can't say I'd have done much better--it would have taken all the restraint I could muster to keep from going over and giving that old fart Bentsen a good hard shove, for being so mouthy and obnoxious. The use of force would at least be something a War Hawk Texoid like him would comprende'. Hope that helps you some. Thankk mee.

[shadowmoss]

Funny, two totally different take-away's from watching the same debate. I thought Danny-boy tried to put on pants that were way too big for him, wrapping the Kennedy Camelot flag around himself. The main problem he had with doing that was that he was from the other party. You could tell Bentsen (didn't remember who it was) was shocked that he would try to trade on the Kennedy name. He had a perfect set up. He was a friend of Jack Kennedy's. And, he was totally right, Danny-boy was no Jack Kennedy.

For what it's worth, I was watching the debate in Indiana, where I was born and raised. We pretty much considered Danny a total embarassment. Hope that helps you some. Thank you. (for those who weren't born back then, Dan Quayle is from Indiana)