Colleague just diagnosed - how to respond?

[Lainey]

A long-time coworker was just diagnosed with colon cancer this week. He's only age 49, otherwise very healthy. He's married with 2 adult stepchildren. No word yet on what stage, or how much surgery or chemo he'll need, etc. He pulled me aside yesterday to let me know personally what's going on and of course he was choked up about it.

Question: we're not close friends but certainly amiable colleagues who have worked together over 10 yrs. I'd like to reach out by sending him a card to his house, but I'd like to hear from others on this forum on what might be the best and most helpful thing to do at this point. I know not to rush in with unsolicited medical or other advice, but I don't just want to ignore it either. Or maybe I should ignore it for now and continue working like before so he's not constantly reminded of his diagnosis? It's tough to know how to respond, so advice would be appreciated.

[Tammy]

You could continue to ask him how things are going when you see him at work. Most people ignore these things out of not knowing what to say. But he confided in you so I'd say he would like to continue talking with you.

[ToomuchStuff]

Were you the only one that you know he told? Do you do the same job? (is he informing you he will be forced to take more time off)
Do you think he knows how much surgery or chemo, or do you think he wasn't ready to share that (if the later, it may be pain management only)?

How to respond, be prepared. You can offer him well wishes and all that, but without knowing what he needs, better to wait I think.

[Gardenarian]

When in doubt, give banana bread.

[freshstart]

When in doubt, give banana bread.

I would send a simple, short note or the above. He chose you, that would mean something to me. I wouldn't go overboard, I'd acknowledge it with the note or the bread and that kind of signals you are open should he want to communicate further. Being sick that young, it's hard to let anyone at work know you are struggling when you have no idea what may happen down the road, IMHO.

[larknm]

Read Letty Cottin Pogrebin's memoir on her own cancer, very practical with emphasis on what she needed and didn't need from others.

[rosarugosa]

I think it makes a big difference to know what the prognosis is. My DH has these crappy recurrent bladder tumors, but presumably well-controlled and with good prognosis. So I am his positive cheerleader while always willing to acknowledge that yes, this does indeed suck, but we will get by.

[Gardnr]

Is he still coming to work? Yes, quietly step aside w/him and say "I am so very sorry about your cancer diagnosis. What can I do for you?" When people say "let me know if there's anything I can do." It doesn't invite a request.

If he's in treatment and not coming to work, send a card with the same sentiment. If he's getting chemo, appetite is generally low and most food will be icky. COLD food however is palatable. Milk shakes. Offer to bring him a few milk shakes to put in the freezer to eat over a few days.

It's also fine to say "I don't know what to say and I don't know what to do". You show you care and it opens the door for him to ask.

As a "kid" who cared for both parents dying of cancer, the most awful was being ignored, both for me and my parents. Folks don't know what to do so they stay away and do/say nothing. Silence is VERY painful on this end of cancer.

[Lainey]

Thanks for all of the advice.
Our VP and director know, along with our dept. assistant, and maybe 1-2 others. It's not general knowledge within the group yet, although I imagine as treatment progresses they'll see by his symptoms (weight loss, etc.) that he's sick.
I picked out a card today to send to his home address which I hope will let him know I do care what happens. I think he'll know by Thurs what stage he is and the proposed course of treatment.

It will impact my job somewhat because we both work with outside vendors on projects, but I would never reveal anything about his illness to them so we'll have to see how much work he's going to be able to actually do as time goes on.

and thanks larknm about mentioning the book. I really like Letty Cottin Pogrebin and have followed her career for years, so I'll check it out.