Trying to decide if I should go...

[Ultralight]

My mom and aunt are having a small Xmas dinner on the evening of Xmas day. My cousin is cooking a turkey.

The guest list will be:
-My mom who is very religious, superstitious, and a hoarder; she and I don't get along well.
-My dad who is largely anti-social, right-wing, and a bit racist; we get along when we talk about fishing.
-My alcoholic aunt whose son died a few months back in a fiery crash when he was driving drunk back to a bar after his friends dragged him home.
-My cousin who is a recovering junkie; she spent a long time in rehab and then in some kind of halfway house; she is doing better now and wants to cook for us all.
-My sis and BIL with whom I live and see literally every day.

If I go to this I am not sure I can take my GF. I am worried someone will say something horribly racist. But more so, my mom has a problem with my GF now because of the incident now known in my family as "The Betrayal." This means my GF will be alone on Xmas (a holiday important to her but not me as I am not Christian).

I also don't know if I should go because it is at 5pm and then if I stay until 7pm I will have to drive home (probably alone) in the dark and rain; I have a really, really bad problem with falling asleep at the wheel. I avoid long drives under any circumstance, but especially at night and alone.


But if I don't go then I will feel very sad for my family. Very sad.

Thoughts?

[kib]

My sympathies. My co-dependent self would go because as you say, how awful would I be to deprive them of what they want from me, my attendance and participation and obedience in the "family event" even if it is a nightmare, but my wiser-and-kind-to-myself-adult self would stay home with my SO. Good luck, and happy holidays.

[Tammy]

I would find some reason to avoid it. It sounds pretty awful.

[JaneV2.0]

They will probably barely notice your absence; I'd stay home with the GF.

[iris lilies]

Do what I can't do--avoid the madness.

[bae]

... I have a really, really bad problem with falling asleep at the wheel. I avoid long drives under any circumstance, but especially at night and alone.

...

Thoughts?

Get yourself checked out for sleep apnea.

[Ultralight]

Get yourself checked out for sleep apnea.

I have an appointment for Jan. 5th.

I have exhibited other symptoms. I signed up for an appointment with a sleep specialist several months ago (Thanks Obamacare! Only not really. haha).

My family doc told me I am just a fat man and I need to lose weight. Then my apnea will go away. But I have had the sleeping while driving problem since I first started driving.

[bae]

I have an appointment for Jan. 5th.


That's good news. It's a big deal, really!

[pinkytoe]

That's a hard one. I only have DH's family to keep up with and even that feels like torture when I don't want to be with them. As they say, you don't get to pick your relatives.
Honestly, you are a grown man now. I would make you and your GF happy and do your own thing. I always treasure the weekend I told DH I wasn't doing his family's Christmas "this time."
We made up some excuse, got in the car and drove to the coast with some food to prepare a little feast in our hotel room with kitchenette. Champagne, candlelight and a howling wind outside our seaside balcony.
It was memorable.

[Ultralight]

That's good news. It's a big deal, really!

Despite being a fat guy I take my health pretty seriously. :)

[freshstart]

the only compelling thing to me would be the cousin who is trying so hard, but if your sister and BIL are going, that makes enough people that I think you can pass. I would never ask your GF to step into that environment again and I also would never leave her alone on Christmas. Can you call the cousin and say thanks for cooking and all that but you have to take a pass this year? And then if it was my family, I would play the "I can't drive at night safely right now," card. You're not lying so although they may be sad, that's the reality right now.

good luck with the sleep study

[Teacher Terry]

Losing weight sometimes helps but not always. I have it so severe that after losing 35 lbs I still have it but not just as bad. But I still need the machine.

[kally]

wow I wouldn't hesitate to not go.

[Zoe Girl]

Well my daughter just said she is not coming to my Christmas because I won't let her bring the dog (another post) and I am pretty devastated. Hard choice with your gf however, I always include people in my celebrations but I can't have a dog here.

[SteveinMN]

I like freshstart's advice. That dinner does not sound like a good time to me and I think your commitment to your GF calls for you to spend time with her. Might it be possible to get to your mom's place sometime that afternoon to visit for just a bit and then disappear in time to drive home before dark? Fulfills their need to see you and your need to not see too much of them.

[Zoe Girl]

Where is the like button? good idea Steve

[Mary B.]

I like freshstart's advice. That dinner does not sound like a good time to me and I think your commitment to your GF calls for you to spend time with her. Might it be possible to get to your mom's place sometime that afternoon to visit for just a bit and then disappear in time to drive home before dark? Fulfills their need to see you and your need to not see too much of them.

This seems like a good idea to me, too, if you can do it without disrupting your plans with your girlfriend. Maybe taking along something to contribute to their feast? (Not thinking of anything big -- just something friendly-gesture sized that is entirely consumable.)

[Simplemind]

I think the afternoon visit is a great compromise. Keep that visit to the Dr., I feel so much better now that I use a CPAP. Freeway driving was always a problem for me. It would lull me to sleep.

[ToomuchStuff]

This means my GF will be alone on Xmas (a holiday important to her but not me as I am not Christian).

Thoughts?


Is she just a fling, or is it something that could be serious with her?
Why would you want to spend time with people you don't enjoy, then someone you might consider making family. (the one area of family we can choose)
You haven't established, why Christmas is important to her. Just because it is a pagen holiday, that christian's decided to usurp, and then commercialism usurped them, doesn't mean that there isn't some non religious reason it is important to her. (could just be memories)
What about seeing HER family on Christmas?

[Williamsmith]

I am decidedly in the minority here. I would chose to go and let my gf make her own choice. If I went without the gf I would leave in time to avoid the uncomfortable night drive. If she went, I would ask her to drive home. The reason.....for better or worse, they are the only mom and dad you have and there has to be something redeeming about each one to focus on. If your life reflects a truly better way, then go demonstrate that to them. No situation is hopeless as long as there is the will to make it better. It might be good, it might be as you expect but that's not the point.

[freshstart]

Well my daughter just said she is not coming to my Christmas because I won't let her bring the dog (another post) and I am pretty devastated. Hard choice with your gf however, I always include people in my celebrations but I can't have a dog here.

I'm sorry, that sucks. But she knows you're in an apt, right? What did she expect?

[Kestra]

I would just have a nice Christmas with your girlfriend and skip the family thing. But that's me, who was extremely relieved to find out that BF isn't that close to his family and I'll never have to go to a family Christmas dinner again.

[razz]

I like William Smith's approach. Go early, leave early and spend part of Christmas with GF.
Can you govern your behaviour well enough to leave when you should?
Why do we make such an issue of Christmas anyway with the pressure to be with people that we ordinarily don't choose to be with.

If the distance is considerable, (I cannot remember how far apart you live from each other) I would use the too hazardous to drive due to sleep issues. The simple truth usually works out the best. It will give them all something neutral to agree on and discuss in your absence which is always nice to arrange.:cool::devil:

[Tammy]

Yes! Give them some gossip on yourself and they won't even miss your physical presence. ;)

[Ultralight]

I ended up not going. Which is alright.

I told my mom it was because I did not want my gf to be alone, I did not have a place to keep my dog, and I cited the sleeping at the wheel thing.

My mom took this pretty well. Fortunately for me my mom's wrath was focused more on my sister. My sis went to the BIL's fam's events.

And that really pissed my mom off.

[freshstart]

it's nice to be the Golden Child sometimes

[Ultralight]

it's nice to be the Golden Child sometimes

You give me too much credit! lol

[Gregg]

Glad you were able to slide out. A little something nice for the cousin who appeared to be trying so hard after rehab might still be in the cards. Nice card with the obligatory explanation note, flowers, whatever. Some of my family members who have been through such ordeals have told me that those kinds of little positive reinforcements are priceless.

[Ultralight]

Glad you were able to slide out. A little something nice for the cousin who appeared to be trying so hard after rehab might still be in the cards. Nice card with the obligatory explanation note, flowers, whatever. Some of my family members who have been through such ordeals have told me that those kinds of little positive reinforcements are priceless.

I was thinking about this too.

Apparently she was drinking with her mom at the event. Then she was going to party down on NYE in Chicago.

So I doubt staying clean is a reality. :(

[larknm]

One year I finally said to my mother, "I have my own home and friends, so I'm not coming." She never tried to get me to come again, including she never pouted about it again.