View Full Version : Middle School Memories?
DD has been having a really difficult time adjusting to middle school, which she started last Fall. There are several reasons I can think of why the environment would be a tough one for her, and we also have continuing family drama, so it makes total sense to me why this would be a really difficult time for her and I am doing a whole bunch of things to try to help, including counseling for her, offering that she could change schools, etc.
In talking about this with friends, I noticed that nearly everyone says "Oh God, I would never want to go through middle school again," or "I was so unhappy in middle school." I also remember it not being a very happy time, especially the first year. There was even recently a program on NPR about how tough middle school is for many kids. In DD's case, she is an intravert and it seems like if you tried it would be hard to come up with a less inviting atmosphere for an intravert than middle school, especially a public urban middle school like DD's (even though the school is great in many ways, has won awards, etc.).
How was your middle school experience, and why is middle school so awful for so many? Is this a US thing? Do other countries have better solutions? To me it doesn't seem like a good idea to segment off this age group and totally separate it from elementary and high school ...
There needs to be an "It Gets Better" campaign for middle school.
For me it was a daily nightmare, but high school was a small step up. Then college was great, as was graduate school.
Middle school teachers have said they can often tell when puberty hits during middle school. Has a huge impact on mood. It is the end of a lot of careful supervision and the beginning of having to take responsibility for yourself and classes. I did not like the constant shifting of classes and rush to get from one to the other. Many more new people from new places rather than the neighborhood elementary school we went to.
High school was much better but even HS was a struggle. I got great grades and scholarships but it was not a pleasant time in my life.
Chicken lady
5-2-16, 9:50am
One of the many reasons I homeschooled! Seriously, I gave my kids a choice every year except they had to start middle school the first year or wait for high school. No being "the new kid" midstream.
Two of the girls I went to middle school with contacted my mother after 9/11. Guess they were reexamining their lives. One got my number and called me directly to apologize, the other said "she probably doesn't want to hear from me, but will you please tell her (summary of the direction her life took) and I'm really sorry I was so horrible and I am someone she might even like now."
the place I teach doesn't have the same kind of issues - for one thing, we have k-12 in one building with shared lunch time and sibling groups often eat together. For another, the teachers are imbedded - you sometimes see a teacher sitting on the floor, in a class room or in the hallway eating lunch, hanging out, playing a board game or playing music with a small multiage group. And we have an "it gets better NOW" policy of calling people on inappropriate behavior - and that extends to students calling out teachers. "Hey, I don't think Jane was comfortable being used as an example, and she isn't comfortable telling you stuff like that."
If any student at any time asks to go see the director, the assistant director, or the guidance counselor - the answer is always yes. No cell phones in class unless you are texting your parent or guardian, and if that needs to be a call, please step out of the room. And we have small classes. When your graduating class is 17 people, you may not be friends, but you learn to get along.
I think hormones play a big role at that time too.
What was awful for me was that I was having a lot of emotional issues already, and then we moved. So I had to start a new school in 7th grade. This was back in the early 60s, so I'm sure things are VERY different now. There are lots of kids out there who weren't raised the same and aren't the greatest influence on your own child. Just try to be there for them emotionally and have a good family-evening with them.
I always had breakfast and dinner with the kids, and it was a good time to talk about everything good/bad/ugly with them. No matter how awful the school day was, I think they knew home was a refuge.
I'm sure our culture is not the easiest for kids growing up.
I also think middle school is just naturally fraught with land mines. And these days, I can imagine it's only worse than it was when I was raising my own kids--those were the punk days, and my DS made weekly trips to the principal's office, but we got through it. As for me, I went to a Grade 1-8 school and then directly to HS, and I think most adolescent issues were minimized by the structure, the nuns and the uniforms. Some "experts" think that middle schools are specially equipped to meet the needs of this age group, but I agree with you that it seems like a weird way to segregate people
I think weighing options such as changing schools is not a bad one, if you really feel that your DD's unhappiness is not a phase. Listen carefully to what she's telling you and act accordingly. No sense in jumping the gun, but no sense in forcing her to endure painful experiences either.
Middle school was just awful for me. Our desks were grouped in units of 4, and I was stuck with one of the mean girls. Susan, the mean girl, rallied the other girls to exclude me, and then would repeat everything I said, and would openly laugh at me and make fun of me. It was hell for 7th grade. It didn't help that I dressed dorky, I had no money to do any activities, I wore glasses and was "the smart one".
I didn't really find my "tribe" until I got to college. I had random friends, of different social groups in high school, but I was always on the outside of groups per se.
I have considered homeschooling, especially because this is what DD always says she wants to do. I work from home and have a very flexible schedule, so that would help, but I am still worried that it would be overwhelming trying to both work full-time and homeschool DD, along with everything else on my plate . . .
Also, her father is not in favor of homeschooling. He seems to worry that she would then not be "socializing," but I think that the forced "socializing" all day long with so many people is one of the main problems. DD's elementary was very small, only 8 kids in her class, basically the same kids from K through 5. I feel that the much smaller environment was a better fit for her, especially now that I see the contrast to how she feels at the bustling crowded middle school.
I loved middle school. But our district was set up a little different. K-5 was considered grade school and there were 4 schools in the district. 6th grade had it's own building so it was all of us from 4 different grade schools thrown together into our "puberty cess pool". It worked. We figured out how to change classes every hour, that 7 minute break between classes gave us a chance to walk the halls and get some energy out of our systems. Everyone was new to the school so there wasn't a pecking order. Then we moved to a Jr High for 7/8 grades where we got to meet all the kids from the catholic school which only went K-6. I think the adding of new kids every year really kept the bullying issues at bay.
I have considered homeschooling, especially because this is what DD always says she wants to do. I work from home and have a very flexible schedule, so that would help, but I am still worried that it would be overwhelming trying to both work full-time and homeschool DD, along with everything else on my plate . . .
Also, her father is not in favor of homeschooling. He seems to worry that she would then not be "socializing," but I think that the forced "socializing" all day long with so many people is one of the main problems. DD's elementary was very small, only 8 kids in her class, basically the same kids from K through 5. I feel that the much smaller environment was a better fit for her, especially now that I see the contrast to how she feels at the bustling crowded middle school.
You can get plenty of socializing while homeschooling. We homeschooled up to 7th grade. The boys were never at a loss for activities, friends, or opportunities. There are some great on-line homeschooling options as well. If she is self-directed it really wouldn't be a lot out of your day. Almost every community has a homeschool organization. You might try to contact someone through that and see if you can observe a homeschool day. Many organizations meet once or twice a week for joint classes and activities. There are homeschool sport leagues and even proms.
Thanks, FloatOn. I have done a lot of research on homeschooling, unschooling, various different types of schools, etc. Aside from considering options for my own kids, I just find that a really interesting topic. There is also free online public school available. We live on an island and there are no community homeschooling groups here, although there is an active homeschooling community in the nearby city a ferry ride away. Since I work at home and DS (younger) is still in school on the island I am not sure how much I would be able to take advantage of the homeschooling groups, that is one of my concerns about this option.
Another issue is that I don't consider DD to be that self-directed; I am concerned it would be constant conflict every day trying to get her to do things, but maybe that would not be the case if she wasn't so unhappy every day like now and instead she actually felt comfortable or even enjoyed what she was doing.
I homeschooled my HS son when he dropped out at 16, so he was older than middle school and at the legal age to drop out so the dynamics were different. You'd have to find out if there are any particular rules surrounding homeschooling in your area.
You are right to be concerned about the time factor, but I think you could make it work. I actually loved the experience of interacting with my son every day. Older kids (middle school+) might be a little easier and able to spend longer bits of time on assignments you give them, leaving you time to work on your own stuff.
As for the socialization part, I wouldn't worry too much. I haven't seen any evidence that home-schooled children are socially inept--in fact, I've seen the opposite. There are plenty of other places for your DD to find supportive social environments. Much more supportive than the public school system. In my son's case, being older, he was able to get a job, which he LOVED. People valued him, he was able to help customers, be an "expert" on the floor (he worked at a ski/snowboarding shop and he was a snowboarder at the time). It took a mere matter of weeks for him to change from the "acting out" kid to the kid with purpose. Even his younger brother said, "What's up with J__? He doesn't act crazy anymore."
Good luck. I'm sure you'll arrive at the right solution.
I have considered homeschooling, especially because this is what DD always says she wants to do. I work from home and have a very flexible schedule, so that would help, but I am still worried that it would be overwhelming trying to both work full-time and homeschool DD, along with everything else on my plate . . .
Also, her father is not in favor of homeschooling. He seems to worry that she would then not be "socializing," but I think that the forced "socializing" all day long with so many people is one of the main problems. DD's elementary was very small, only 8 kids in her class, basically the same kids from K through 5. I feel that the much smaller environment was a better fit for her, especially now that I see the contrast to how she feels at the bustling crowded middle school.
I'd argue the opposite - I would say segregating kids by age and away from interactions with adults is not "socializing". My kids homeschooled for a bit, they and their homeschooling peers I felt were much more socialized - many traditionally schooled kids seemed incapable of interacting with anyone beyond their immediate peer groups.
iris lilies
5-2-16, 11:56am
What grade starts Middle School? I went to school back in the dark ages before Middle School existed and I forget when it starts.
i do know that I was exhausted starting Jr. hgh school which was 7th grade. All of the moving around from class to class was a big adjustment.
Chicken lady
5-2-16, 12:01pm
My standard response to the "socialization" question is that I think the point if socialization is to enable people to function in society and that it is best accomplished within that society, not shut away in a room. When people ask me "but don't they need to be with other kids their age?" I say "you mean, like 'lord of the flies'?"
honestly i I think half the problem with middle school us that everybody is competing for the same small handful of roles. If you are the only adolescent in a group, you can have any or all age associated roles.
I think we had 7th and 8th grade in middle or Junior high school. 9-12 were in our high school. I was finished with almost everything by 12th grade and kind of slid thru taking a few classes that year. We were double shifting also and it made that last year hard since we got the early shift.
ApatheticNoMore
5-2-16, 12:12pm
I guess it's universally perceived as difficult because there is a lot of bullying going on (or at least teasing when it doesn't progress to full physical bullying).
The age segregation probably is bad, though home schooling probably only works with certain families (being isolated with a dysfunctional family is no better). A multi-age school house might be cool though.
Yes it was difficult but high school was no easier.
Thanks, FloatOn. I have done a lot of research on homeschooling, unschooling, various different types of schools, etc. Aside from considering options for my own kids, I just find that a really interesting topic. There is also free online public school available. We live on an island and there are no community homeschooling groups here, although there is an active homeschooling community in the nearby city a ferry ride away. Since I work at home and DS (younger) is still in school on the island I am not sure how much I would be able to take advantage of the homeschooling groups, that is one of my concerns about this option.
Another issue is that I don't consider DD to be that self-directed; I am concerned it would be constant conflict every day trying to get her to do things, but maybe that would not be the case if she wasn't so unhappy every day like now and instead she actually felt comfortable or even enjoyed what she was doing.
We actually didn't take part in a community homeschool group because we traveled so much with our business. Our kids saw everything and had a good group of adults and even other kids they'd run into all over the country. You do have a different situation.
TVRodriguez
5-2-16, 3:07pm
Middle school for me was 6th, 7th, and 8th grades. I mostly tried to stay fairly invisible socially. I read a lot. I remember one day in 6th grade study hall, all the other kids were talking and laughing and making noise, and I was lost in my book. I wouldn't even have noticed except that the "teacher" for that study hall commented on it to me, telling me I had good concentration. I just blocked everything else out and lost myself in my books. In 8th grade, I remember a classmate noticing that I was on the 4th book in so many days. I hardly knew what else to do with myself. Studying was easy and took very little time (except for one particular science project in 8th grade that stressed me out). In 7th and 8th grades, I had one good friend who was an only child (I was the youngest of 4), and I spent many weekends at her house reveling in all the space she had to herself. I used to walk along the hallways in school practically clinging to the walls so as to be more invisible.
All that is true, but outwardly, I don't think I came across as introverted. I was friendly. Since I was a good student and followed rules well, teachers liked me, and I got out of doing some busywork assignments and even some tests b/c of it.
I think middle school is tough.
We had Jr High School, which was 7th, 8th & 9th grades. The worst years of my life. I had gone to a much smaller elementary school where I was pretty happy and reasonably extroverted, now that I think of it. The transition to Jr High was really tough. I think a lot of my problem was that I was very physically underdeveloped and got teased for it. I was still very much a little girl and I would have been OK with it if not for the teasing.
High school was much better because I discovered sex & drugs & rock & roll and alcohol. :)
Middle school was just awful for me. Our desks were grouped in units of 4, and I was stuck with one of the mean girls. Susan, the mean girl, rallied the other girls to exclude me, and then would repeat everything I said, and would openly laugh at me and make fun of me. It was hell for 7th grade. It didn't help that I dressed dorky, I had no money to do any activities, I wore glasses and was "the smart one".
I didn't really find my "tribe" until I got to college. I had random friends, of different social groups in high school, but I was always on the outside of groups per se.
my experience was sort of like this. I was chubby but not hugely so, I got boobs before anyone else, I had braces and really thick glasses and no money for "cool" clothes. I could not find more than a few friends like me. Like TVRodriguez, I read a ton and then got mocked for my vocabulary which I thought was totally normal. I had to dumb myself down or be picked on. Then in HS, I slimmed down, got contacts, braces off, I found my niche of friends and life was better. And college was even better.
It sucks that MS has to be so hard for so many kids.
It was hard for DS, he was kind of dorky, had trouble "reading" social situations, had ADHD and was a failure in sports, which are all consuming around here. He took it on the chin, I give him credit, kids were not nice. In HS, he found his niche with the musicians, had several bands, found his "look" and the girls loved having him as a friend, which lead to some nice GFs. He leaves for luthier school for 6 mos soon, there are no dorms, no campus life. I really wish he had chosen a more traditional college path away from home, I think he would've blossomed even more.
our school system has done a fantastic job with overt bullying. But the covert stuff still flourishes.
Gardenarian
5-3-16, 1:15am
I dreaded every day of middle school. That age has such as wide range of maturity, from 11 year olds who are still little kids, to 14 year olds having sex and doing drugs. Their needs and wants and skills are so very varied- even two twelve year olds can be at very different stages of development.
It's a hard age developmentally for many children, even without the stress of school.
It wasn't the reason we homeschooled, but we were very glad we did during those years. Dd remained happy, interested in her studies and friends, as well as still engaged in a lot of imaginative play.
ToomuchStuff
5-4-16, 1:38am
Honestly, middle school was rather mundane to good for me. A WHOLE lot better then high school.
I hadn't thought about middle school in a long time. It was definitely a big change after the small world of elementary and in my case, the place where you found your place (or lost it) as you headed into high school.
I was also going through family drama during that time - honestly though I don't recall those two years being horrible. However, public school seems a lot harsher now but then so does society in general. My remembrance is that those kids who had some specific activity they were heavily involved in seemed to fare the best - sports, band, etc. I think that's a good tactic to get a kid through those years. DD went to magnet middle and high schools (is that an option where you live?) that were located within low income areas. The nerds hung out together and valued advancing in their education plus they experienced the reality of life among disadvantaged students. Perhaps that provided even more motivation to excel. Our magnet public middle and high schools are liberal arts, fine arts and math/science so that kids are placed according to their interests. I bet a high percentage of the arts magnet students are creative introverts.
Disclaimer|: I don't have kids. Both of a good friends kids seemed to do well thru middle school and she and I were discussing it one time. She said she tried to find totally outside of school interests for both of them. One where they came in contact with lots of ages of people, from kids younger than them to grandparent age people. She felt that gave them a better perspective. Her daughter was very focused on horses, her son on hiking and mountaineering. She said you can't expect them to only not do things(that would get them in trouble), but you need to give them things to focus on instead.
Since she said that I have been observing others and think that it really does help
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