View Full Version : okay she ran
Tonight my daughter was very agitated. Well it has been going on and off and I feel like I am living in a war zone. She had an appointment with a psychologist scheduled last week and she went to her boyfriends, stayed overnight and refused to tell me where she was until I threatened the police. When I had her calm she told her principal at her on-line school that her depression was bad and she was willing to consider treatment again. So tommorrow she has an appointment with the psychiatrist and she ran.
My friend was on the phone with me when I got woken up the third time and so she heard some of what Tam said. It is just nuts. The HUGEST issue is still that I moved them. That is how she sees a foreclosure and a job struggle. She wanted to stay in our old neighborhood but she refused to attend school there and she had a job that she quit without telling me. When I brought this up she screamed that she basically should not have to do anything she does not want to. She quit the job since the rest of the people did not work and she worked hard, she was sick enough to not attend school but screams she does not need treatment.
The boyfriend just told me that she is at a friends house (probably because I can find her at boyfriends) and will be back in the morning. I am so tired,...
((((((((((((((((((((((Zoegirl))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, especially on top of everything else.
Ultimately you know the reality of the situation and eventually she will mature and stop blaming you for everything. I put my parents, and especially my mom, through some horrible stuff and did some really awful, self-centered things at points that really hurt her. I regret it so much now, but at the time I was dealing with my own issues and lacked the maturity to see things from someone else's perspective.
You did, and are doing, the best you can and you love your kids and want nothing but the best for them. At this point, maybe the best thing you can do for all of you is to set some firm boundaries and then follow through with consequences if she can't live within those boundaries. She needs to realize that it is not ok for her to treat you, and herself, this poorly.
This is sent in friendship and with tons of care. I hope it doesn't feel like rubbing salt in your wounds -- my hope is to give you the support you need to try a different approach.
lhamo
thank you, I am still trying to find her. She told her boyfriend she would be home for the appointment, I guess I am waiting to see on that.
Her one friend is driving by the boyfriends house to see if the car is there and getting me the address. She said that Tamarin has seemed fine to her, big difference to what I see.
I am of course dwelling on how I have worked so much the last few years and haven;t been available balanced with how I really did a lot of getting the kids counseling after the divorce, making sure I did my grad school on-line so I could be home more, and often working crappier jobs that I could be around with. And my boyfriend is the best, he offered to help and I couldn;t figure out what to ask for so he offered to take my older daughter to work if we don;'t have the car back.
sweetana3
4-20-11, 11:27am
I think Zoe you might want to give up the past and live totally in the present. You cannot change the past but you can live today and each future day in a present and genuine state.
Your kids will push your buttons regarding the quilt you feel and you have to find a way to give it up and let it go.
Your kids are alive, have available food, shelter and school opportunities. You cannot make them change no matter how much you work at it, hope for it, want it, etc. Maybe let them know you are giving up the past and working on the present and a much better future and hope they join you in living the best they can from today.
The more you dwell on the past and past decisions, the more you will continue to bring it into the future and you have so much more positive things going on right now to work with. You are the role model for the kids seeing someone living and working in the present and planning for the future.
Thank you, I am letting go of whatever misplaced guilt there is, with a little sleep and caffeine I realize there is no guilt to be had in this. Of course middle of the night posts are quite different, so don;t worry that I am wasting time on that.
So we got to the appointment and have a medication we are going to try that is new for her. And we had a very good talk on the way home, the psych said I am the punching bag because I am safe and I had to tell my daughter that I am tired of it. I am the only one taking care of her and I just want to be worked with not yelled at
Car rides can be wonderful for deep conversations. If it worked this time, you might want to take her out for a drive and a stop at a fast food place just to get the time in car to talk. I know it always works for us.
Glad she made it to the appointment. Hope the meds help.
Hope your day goes well, for both of you.
lhamo
Gardenarian
4-20-11, 5:32pm
Just sending you some hugs (((zoe girl))). Everything will work out!
IshbelRobertson
4-20-11, 5:38pm
How old is your daughter?
Her behaviour sounds unacceptable, even for a 13 year old...
rodeosweetheart
4-21-11, 10:14am
Hang in there, Zoe. Sending lots of healing thoughts your daughter's way. There is a great book you might find useful--Joshua Coleman's "When Parents Hurt." It's really, really helpful. How old is your daughter? It is aimed at "when you and your grown child don't get along" but there is a lot of useful stuff aimed specifically at parenting teenagers.
Just want to send you some (((hugs)))) too, Zoe.
Teens take out their worst on those they most trust. It's hard to endure some days. I'm glad you let her know what the impact is on you... accepting her wholeheartedly while communicating the impact of her behavior is a delicate and difficult line to walk. We all want to be loved no matter what, and as parents, it's such a big responsibility to love our children unconditionally when they're behaving in such a reactionary way.
Blessings... on both of you.
Thank you all, I saw my counselor which I do infrequently and it was good but hard. So we realize I am really scraping the bottom of the barrell on my energy and ability to keep this up. So the plan is to extricate myself from the kids drama as much as i can. That is something I am not even sure how to do. Like what does that mean, do I still put food in the fridge, do I pick her up when she realizes she can't get home, etc. Tam went to her 2 appointments this week and then I gave her some freedom, I haven't seen her since. She only has the pre-paid phone with $20 on it (wont last long) and maybe some money for the bus. I texted the boyfriend and he says she is still alive, however the new meds we got her are sitting on my counter right now along with the one for her chronic cough and the chronic throwing up. I am breathing deep, I can't drag her home if I even want to and it would ruin my day and affect my job so I am letting it go.
Really really really hard this morning, I am going to text her boyfriend since my weekend job is closer to his house and tell him she can have a ride home if she is at my workplace by 7. Otherwise no and I might not see her for Easter I guess.
Oh yeah, as a side note my boyfriend is just baffled. He is a really different parent and he cannot imagine not having respect from the kids. I think he at least understands that based on my marriage, and unfortunatly my parents before that and he loves my parents, my kids have been trained their entire life by other people to do this. 2 out of 3 are getting the hang of treating me better, the last one we will see.
sweetana3
4-23-11, 12:58pm
Zoe, I think the key words are "I can't drag her home even if I wanted to". Stop calling and checking. She can borrow a phone anytime and anywhere and call you.
My friend whose daughter was an alcoholic, said the hardest thing she ever did was pull back and let her daughter learn from her own mistakes and deal with her own issues. She finally called from jail due to a drunk driving arrest and Cici did not run down and bail her out. Cici cried a lot but realized she was keeping her daughter from learning consequences. (Cici was a lawyer and knew what to do to make it go away.) Her daughter had to navigate the justice system and was on a super hard home monitoring program for 6 months. She made it thru and has been sober since (and no felony on her record.)
Cici went to Al-Anon and learned the strategies for dealing with the issue of enabling and got a lot of support. Prior to this, she sounded a lot like you do about trying to fix the problem and provide solutions for her daughter. It was hard, very hard on her.
We went through a minor version of this - I think I have posted this story before - when my SD dropped out of high school WITH .5 CREDITS LEFT TO GRADUATE!!! She moved into the rent free apt. her 'mother' (the person who bore her and then f*cked her life up) offered she & her older, alcoholic BF - what 18 year old would say no to a free love nest?
Then 4 months later they were kicked out (by the same person who offered them the space) and had to pay for housing. She was unemployable (hello... HS dropout, recession, duh). We kept getting sad, whiny calls... "We don't have any food"; "I don't have bus fare to go get a job"; "It's cold here and we don't have any heat", etc. To which we replied, There's a food bank down the street. I'm sorry you have to walk to look for work. I'm sorry you're cold. Then I would bury my head in my husband's shoulder and cry - it was really hard to not rescue her. Many sleepless nights worrying about her... the only thing I did pay for was her contraception, and I made sure she got to Planned Parenthood regularly.
Eight looong months later, she came back home, said - literally - "I think I tried to grow up too soon and skipped a few steps. Can I come home?" We said yes, IF she was either in school to graduate or working. She chose school, and did graduate. Now she's mid-way through college.
Our tough love worked. It was so incredibly hard to hold the line. I can't wait to hear her side of the story when she's 35 and has had some time to reflect on it all. Think long term. It WILL change.
As others have said, learning to let go is the hardest thing I EVER did but I did it to save MY sanity...and for those who know my back story, my DD (now 18 and a half) has been sober for almost 90 days, been attending classes at community college, and just got her driver's license!
She has not lived with me since she was fourteen but I spent a helluva a lot time when she was a minor running her to various mental health appointments, psychiatric hospitalizations, the police station, trying to track her down on the streets, flying all the way cross-country to pick her up when she ran away and ended up in Sacremento two weeks later. Even now I cannot believe I survived the stress of being her mom mostly intact, but with a lot of warped, unhealthy coping mechanisms that I am finally starting to unravel now that I have time for myself...hang in there girl, I am are rooting for you just like everyone rooted for me to be patient~ take care of yourself and let the child discover the natural consequences of her actions without always being there to clean up the mess. It is REALLY HARD but you need to do it for yourself and start disengaging. Please take care and feel free to private message me if you want, anytime.
(((Zoe))))
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