Mil and Christmas gifts

[Chicken lady]

So, it's that time of year again (actually past time, she's been good this year!) when my mil starts calling me with horrible suggestions of things she has found that she wants to buy me for Christmas because I have not given her any ideas.

She has a complicated formula for determining how much money you spend on each family member in order to express the correct amount of affection, and if I don't reach "daughter in law" level with my requests, I will get random items sometimes copied from the other daughter in law's list. Also there must be the same number of packages, so some years, you get something like a candy bar wrapped up in fancy paper to create balance.

She has selected an expensive woodstove top fan as my first item. I guess that's ok. Maybe it will work. It will be fun to explain the science to 7 y.o. Heart grandson anyway.

i promised to work on ideas this weekend. So far I asked dh what he thought about a bike helmet (I want to start riding again) and he said "I have one you can use." New folding chairs (ours are ripping at the edges) and he said "we just got all those chairs with your grandparent's table. Get rid of them."

then he he suggested clothes. I told him I need to clean out my closet and the odds of my finding new clothes I like that she can order from a catalog are really low and she will substitute stuff. I am going to give her the website to order me a couple of new school t-shirts for work. Some of mine are getting pretty worn.

i should not have bought my lotion bars at the fair. I'll try to remember that for next year.

any ideas for useful/consumable stuff that can be wrapped?

[flowerseverywhere]

Food

as in coffee or tea, nuts, specialty cheeses, good quality chocolate, spices

the good thing about asking for that is if she gives you something that you don't want you can easily share with friends or drop it at a food bank.

[iris lilies]

Food

as in coffee or tea, nuts, specialty cheeses, good quality chocolate, spices

the good thing about asking for that is if she gives you something that you don't want you can easily share with friends or drop it at a food bank.
I like that, but let's see if MIL likes it.

Many times gifters do not like giving consumables, it is not a gift in their mind if it isnt some useless piece of crap that sits around your house where they can see it.

[Tybee]

Why don't you explain that you are trying to downsize your possessions, and that you would really like gift cards to x, y, and z. X, y, and z can be grocery stores, restaurants, or art supply stores. That way, she can wrap the gift cards and she can feel that she is treating you fairly, and you can get something you need.

BTW, I think that it is very nice that your mil wants to give you a gift and tries to make it fair. Maybe you can cut her a little slack and assume she has a positive intent, and honor that.

[Chicken lady]

Tybee, there is a long and complicated history involved. Also, not a huge helping of actual affection or altruism - one year I got yelled at for not overlapping our visit with the rest of the family, not because she wanted us all to be together, but because "nobody will see you open your gifts!"

also, the complicated formula includes what gifts we are supposed to buy her.

she knows I am trying to downsize. She would love to help because she thinks I have horrible taste and bad hobbies and 80% of the stuff in my house could go. She often offers to replac things I love with "something decent." Sometimes this works out, I now have two really nice stainless steel cookie sheets. I kept the pizza stone though. I just use them for cookies.

[Tybee]

I think its tough to be a MIL. as I have been one and had two dil's and I always wanted to be fair, treat them both with equal concern and affection. Now one son is divorced and we really examine our actions--did we show equal affection, did we hurt the situation? I have been astonished how difficult it is to be a mil, and how the cards are stacked against one, and how social expectations are so high, but the rewards and affection coming your way are so low. You're supposed to be perfect, non-intrusive but available at all times for money, baby sitting--but basically you are perceived as a pain in the ass.

Just a view from the other side, I guess! I am really sorry that you have a troubled relatioship with your mil; my relationship with my mil was wonderful; she was agreat lady.

[Miss Cellane]

So you have to come up with both a certain number of gifts and a specific dollar amount? That's mind-boggling.

This sounds very draining, having to come up with ideas that fit your needs but also MIL's very rigid guidelines.

But those cookie sheets. Is there anything else like that in the house? Something that could use upgrading a bit? That you wouldn't mind getting rid of what you currently have, so MIL can replace it and feel happy? Mentally run through a typical day, and if there's a spot that makes you flinch, look at what you are using. For example, I used to dislike chopping vegetables, until a SIL gave me a really good knife one year. The difference a good tool makes is amazing!

How often do you see her? I admit I'd be tempted to ask for a new scarf, hat and gloves every year. And then donate them to a charity, while continuing to use the ones I liked. So many reasons you could use--lost one glove, spilled coffee on the scarf on the way to work, the goat ate the hat . . . .

It does sound as if some consumables would be acceptable, so think of little treats--a favorite kind of tea or chocolate, lotion with a specific scent, some exotic ingredient for cooking.

[Tybee]

I admit I'd be tempted to ask for a new scarf, hat and gloves every year. And then donate them to a charity, while continuing to use the ones I liked. So many reasons you could use--lost one glove, spilled coffee on the scarf on the way to work, the goat ate the hat . . . .

It does sound as if some consumables would be acceptable, so think of little treats--a favorite kind of tea or chocolate, lotion with a specific scent, some exotic ingredient for cooking.

What a neat idea! If you can get into a pattern, she need never ask again, and you will be freed of that irritation.
In my family, LL Bean certificates are our go-to for this.

[razz]

I am another with the consumables - like cake in a cup, etc that can be used for emergencies or at work. These are showy for gift-opening and easily given to others when their need is presented. I am seeing soup mixes in a jar, spices for different occasions etc. There are a lot of these today so others here may have seen many more to suggest. When the container is no longer needed, donate it.

[Tybee]

Get a Watkins catalogue and mark up what spices you would like! The spices are the best.

https://www.jrwatkins.com/assets/JRWatkins/img/500_error_MAINT.jpg

[Zoe Girl]

she knows I am trying to downsize. She would love to help because she thinks I have horrible taste and bad hobbies and 80% of the stuff in my house could go. She often offers to replac things I love with "something decent." Sometimes this works out, I now have two really nice stainless steel cookie sheets. I kept the pizza stone though. I just use them for cookies.

My mom does a little of this, however with much more kindness. She got me a very nice pair of birkenstocks this summer so I would have 'something decent', the leather flip flops she passed down to me were not acceptable apparently. So I know the drill of finding enough things in just the right formula for gift giving, although I will appreciate my mom because she has come a long way in understanding that I don't need that much and I try to understand her need to get things for me.

I like the work shirts, the hat and glove combo, I know I could use a new pair of PJ's every year so I let my mom have that one. Fancy food sometimes work for a gifter but a gift card to the grocery store would not fill the need. I did get a dish pattern many years ago and that really kept my mom going, I have service for 10 with all the fancy dishes.

[Tammy]

I give my kids and my daughter and son in law cash. A large amount. It's fair and they can always use it. We tell them it's early inheritance. They get this large gift in December and it covers all occasions for the whole year - birthday, Christmas, etc. When we lived far from all of them we considered it travel money to come see us yearly. Now 2/3 of them live near us so we just call it Christmas money.

We give them permission to not get me or my husband anything. Sometimes they find a little something they think we would like - a surprise to us. 95% of gifts in our family go to the grandkids. Stuff they need and toys and electronics.

I would hate having to make s specific list. There's no surprise. It's a burdensome task. I think I'd ask MIL to give me the gift of not having to make a list - just give me the equivalent amount in cash if you want it to be fair.

I know she wouldn't hear you with this plan. And then you are supposed to get her something that meets exact specifications. I'd boycott Christmas if I were you.

[Tammy]

Would she give the total amount as a donation to your favorite charity? Or split it between the same number of charities as the number of gifts you are supposed to choose? She could wrap each charitiy's gift card in a separate package of beautiful paper for you to open.

[catherine]

CL, are there any specific stores you like to support? I often tell my kids that I would love anything from Dog Mt, or Frog Hollow, two Vermont businesses that I love to support. That way, even if I'm not crazy about the gift, the store got some business.

[Zoe Girl]

ooh what about a gift that supports a charity you like, I see that there are things like sweatshirts or scarves you can buy that support animal shelters or other things. Then there is an object (very important to serious gifters) and a benefit to something you care about.

[catherine]

To take my idea and ZG's one step further, how about telling your MIL you would like a piece of SouizQ's jewelry or FloatOn's pottery, or a copy of Happy Hiker's book? Keep it in the family!

[freshstart]

I think PJs are an easy idea and as for clothes, maybe get a catalog from your favorite online store like Lands End or something and tell her specifically which top, which bottom. It would be great if she would get behind gift cards, you could tell her the restaurant ones give you a break from cooking and time out with DH. At least she asks what you would like.

[freshstart]

my ex-MIL was addicted to valium and the most self-involved person I ever met, luckily she lived far away. I tried to forge a relationship with her but it was close to impossible, she didn't like me mostly because I was not a traditional housewife. My ex and I shared chores and cooking, she thought that was horrible. For Christmas, we got matching Christmas sweaters before we even had kids. My husband was 15 yrs older than me so it was hard to pull off the 'cute couple in matching sweaters' thing. And they were from expensive stores, what a waste. I was probably supposed to be a good DIL and make next year's Christmas card from a pic of us wearing our sweaters but I never did.

[Tybee]

Restaurant cards are my favorite. If the person doesn't like that restaurant, they can regift it, too. Or sell it on ebay, I guess, although I always have used mine.

[Chicken lady]

I loved the jewelry idea until I remembered that she would find me "the same thing" at Walmart because it was much more reasonable (I once picked out a specific rug at 10,000 villages, and that's what happened - the fiber content was completely different, but the colors were pretty close....)

then there was was the year we asked for a set of mugs from her potter nephew. I felt the need to write him and apologize....

I think I may have it licked - dh and I have been torn between dry walling the addition ceiling (hired out) or putting up pine paneling ourselves ($). He is going to try to convince her to buy the wood for the ceiling over the dining area (dropped, clearly defined), and send her an end cut to wrap for each of us. Then I can tell her the studio where I take classes has a whole new batch of potters tools, ranging in price from $2-$20. She can give dd a budget and a number of boxes and dd can buy me surprises for her (dd is at the studio 3-4 times a week)

the actual $ goal is always a secret - making this even more fun.

cross your fingers for my ceiling.

[Zoe Girl]

To take my idea and ZG's one step further, how about telling your MIL you would like a piece of SouizQ's jewelry or FloatOn's pottery, or a copy of Happy Hiker's book? Keep it in the family!

Ya know I also freeform crochet dragon puppets, just saying, :)

[sweetana3]

OMG, I feel so sorry for everyone caught in these ridiculous gift giving/receiving stories. When did our lives become buying and giving "stuff" with rules and guilt and anger? Why do we tolerate it? I do have to say that our family is not into presents at any occasion. Somehow we just don't need it.

I give someone something when I want to and when I love them. I don't really care if someone gives me something in return. But I am always happy to be thought of at any time. One of my best "presents" ever was a thank you card from a boss about something I had done.

Mom struggled for years trying to give us things. I think we have finally gotten her to put a little cash in a handmade card and be happy.

[iris lilies]

Fortunately our families are sensible about gifting. It does not take place in my family at all, and it has not for years.

DH and his siblings flirt with little gifts for each other but I dont think there is a pattern or specfcs expectations, but if there is, I dont know what it is because I dont pay attention, that is all his deal to handle.

Decades ago in his family we drew names and furnished lists and all of that tiresome stuff, and also one was expected to buy something for each child. But those days are long over, yay!

I do think it is worth revisiting the long standing traditions of gifting when all of the grandchildren grow up. Many times people are ready to chuck it.

Our close friend who I have written about takes the cake in excessive gifting, but she is open hearted, there are no rules or resentment, there is just piles of crap that follow us home. That is pretty easy to deal with in the long run, compared to what many of you go through.

[Tybee]

Just a shout out for my old mother in law, may she rest in peace. I don't think she ever gave me any physical gifts per se. She did teach me to say "my son" in Russian. She made a trip out to my house to see her grandsons baptized. She told me wonderful stories about my husband as a little boy that made me understand him better. she was a kind person and I am grateful to have had her in my life.

[Chicken lady]

One of the things that makes me a little nuts about her is that she informed everyone when the grandchildren were little, that they would be getting a check and one gift (usually candy, cheap jewelry, maybe a keychain) once they turned 12, and nothing once they turned 18. So the grandchildren sit and watch the aunts and uncles open presents they don't need or want - the youngest turns 12 this year (she was also appalled that we still bought toys for our kids after age 8)


My dd who is 24 and living in her first house presented me with a whole list of things I could ask grandma for, each item followed by "and give me yours."

Shopping for her is going to be easy....

[Teacher Terry]

I have had 3 MIL's. 2 were wonderful and 1 awful. One of my 3 sons has married and I have made a big effort to be a good MIL and my DIL appreciates it. WE have had a few misunderstandings but have always worked it out and we love each other. It anyone should get gifts it should be the kids and young adults who need it and not the older adults. I would refuse to participate in such crap. When I first started to read this thread I was thinking $ for materials and then I see you already thought of that. That is perfect and needed. I usually take my adult kids out to eat at a nice restaurant for their gift and actually only buy gifts for 2 people. About 8 years ago all my friends decided we did not need to buy each other gifts. If I had grandchildren I would of course buy for them.

[iris lilies]

Just a shout out for my old mother in law, may she rest in peace. I don't think she ever gave me any physical gifts per se. She did teach me to say "my son" in Russian. She made a trip out to my house to see her grandsons baptized. She told me wonderful stories about my husband as a little boy that made me understand him better. she was a kind person and I am grateful to have had her in my life.

My MIL was good. she kept,her mouth shut althiug I am sure I did lots of things to bug her.I married her eldest child, the one who lived at the their family farm until he was about 32 or so. But she wanted him to get up and out of there, so she welcomed marriage!

[Chicken lady]

She said yes!

[iris lilies]

She said yes!
Wonderful! Now you can genuinely thank her for this gift, a genuinely happy Christmas!

[Float On]

Not a MIL issue but an elderly friend from my hometown recently sent me a request to pick up some specific items at the "As Seen on TV" store in my town to bring to her next time I'm up to see my parents (she wants to christmas shop early). All I could think was Dear God, just send people a card with a heart felt note...not As Seen on TV junk. But my love language is going out of the way to meet the needs of others....so I'll do it.

[iris lily]

So chicken Lady, How goes shopping for MIL this year?