View Full Version : On Partnership and Potatoes
When my DH came back from his latest physical, it was with basically the same news he always has: his blood sugar is elevated, his cholesterol isn't great, and he needs to lose weight. As some of you know, I am quite intent in my low-carb beliefs, and as an armchair doc I feel like DH could be the poster child for carb-induced metabolic syndrome.
The issue here: I *try* not to proselytize within my marriage. I've suggested a couple of books he might like to read about diet and metabolism, and offered to help design a diet plan with him. His doctor is a low-fat diet proponent, his mom feels low-carb diets are trendy. When I brought up the fact that tortillas, rice cakes, low-fat ice cream bars, granola bars, popcorn, chocolate filled trail mix and a host of other things are Loaded with processed carbs, he was crestfallen; aren't those Healthy things? Well ... only according to Nabisco and your doctor.
I think he may feel stuck in the middle, but the frustration for me is that he won't actually educate himself and propose the diet he wants to follow. I've tried to sit down and say "let's do a meal plan for the week" and it's like herding cats. Calories are boring, foods that are good for him are unappealing, the cornucopia of foods he doesn't know or like are to be avoided, counting carbs is too much trouble and 'trendy', home made traditional high carb foods (cookies, mashed potatoes, yorkshire pudding) are a yummy sign of love.
I'm willing to follow low fat recipes or his mom or doctor's diet if that's what he decides to do (and keep my mouth shut about it), even if I disagree with it. But I'm not willing to be the one solely responsible for creating a menu plan that I disagree with.
Right now we're in sort of a dieting detante. Don't ask, don't tell. I'm trying to make choices for meals that my belief system tells me are healthy, but it's difficult - he's trying to be "good" so he only takes a small portion of chicken - and then eats a bag of popcorn because he's still hungry. He takes a spoonful of broccoli, but not the cupful that would be nourishing and fill him up. Nearly all of the foods he likes and wants and thinks of as "love" with his meals are a carb-avoider's nightmare, so I walk this tightrope between withholding "love" and poisoning him with yorkshire pudding.
Last night I looked at him and realized that while he's my big snuggly guy and I'm not going to stop loving him no matter what size he is, he really is getting fat. The whole metabolic syndrome and all the diseases that come with it suddenly seemed much more threatening. I feel like he just doesn't know what to do or where to start, but frankly, neither do I.
WWYD?
I would leave it alone and wait for him to ask for help (which he may not do).
Fair enough. I realize this is His demon. But I'm basically 100% responsible for menu planning, food shopping and cooking. I'm also rock-n-hard-place here: he's not sick yet, but he will be. For both selfish and selfless reasons, I don't want that to happen.
Would you just serve "normal" food, while believing it to be harmful? Or would you serve your idea of a good diet with a 'take it or leave it' mentality? For example, all you can eat roast chicken, broccoli sauteed in garlic and butter, and a big colorful salad: my idea of a healthy meal. Should I add the mashed potatoes, bread, beer and "diet" ice cream bars that are all "ok" from a low-fat perspective but poison in large quantities as far as I'm concerned, knowing that he will take a tiny portion of the first three ingredients and eat all there is of the potatoes and bread?
HappyHiker
4-27-11, 1:26pm
Kib, very similar situation here with my DH...I've let it go pretty much...I serve healthy meals, which my DH eats without complaining even if they're vegetarian...but when he's on his own, for lunches or if I'm out, he chooses meals of pizza, burgers, etc. Orders the worst things on the menu when we're out (fried, with cream sauce, or three cheeses).
I wince, cry a bit inside, but realize he's a grown man and will put in his body what he wishes. Guess I've given up...he knows what to eat, intellectually, but selects otherwise.
And yes, I've sent him articles, read passages aloud from studies/books, he's even sent me links to articles he knows I'll like about nutrition...
It's so frustrating, isn't it, when smart people eat themselves into ill-health?
When I'm feeling mean, I think, well if he dies an early death, my next relationship's gonna be with someone with similar eating/exercise/wellness habits as myself...bad of me, I know...
It is hard - I have the same issue as dh's tummy is getting larger every year. I know that what I cook for him is not making him heavy so whatever he eats on his own is his own doing. If only I could make him understand that it is not about control but rather about our future together if his health deteriorates. I continue though to cook only what I would eat but try to make sure there is a lot of it, ie very large salads or maybe two kinds, several veggies and meat as condiment. I personally think sugar is bad stuff for everybody so we never have desserts and he now knows to check labels for sugar and sodium amounts. Recently, we were going to eat out at PeiWei (national chain). I decided to check their nutritional statement on line first and found that almost every dish had at least 2000mg of sodium so no way. DH seems to understand it better when we look at it that way.
He might respond to the video Fat Head, in which Tom Naughton takes on (the insufferable) Morgan Spurlock's Supersize Me and proceeds to eat nothing but fast food for a month while losing weight and improving his lipid panel. Naughton's Fat Head blog is a rollicking good read, too, IMO.
loosechickens
4-27-11, 2:26pm
Would he consider something like Weight Watchers? So that the plan for healthy eating came from someone other than you?
And, if his doctor is dealing with patients with elevated blood sugar and overweight by just advising low fat foods without consideration for simple carbs, processed foods, etc., maybe what your sweetie REALLY needs is a new doctor.
Since you are the one doing all the cooking and related work, I think you have the right to cook whatever you want. He's an adult and can add on whatever food he wants or cook his own. I don't cook meat for DH since I don't eat it. I don't cook anything that I wouldn't eat myself, though I do take his preferences into account and make things that he likes more than me (since some of my things he never eats). Personably I would try not to enable what is most likely unhealthy behavior (I think most here would agree that if you're overweight, less carbs would be good). I would never serve two types of carbs at the same meal. Of course DH goes and has toast and oatmeal after every supper meal instead of filling up on veggies. And refined carb cereal and toast everyday for breakfast, but I don't make those foods for him. I'd also eliminate desserts from the house, unless he buys or makes them himself. And very slowly it seems changes do occur, at least with DH. Just recently he's decided that he much prefers the normal fat yogurt to the low fat (high sugar/fake sugar) type. And has mentioned he would use my normal fat/no sugar peanut butter instead of his low fat/extra sugar type. So I think I'm rubbing off on him at least. It's taken 4 years though. It's hard to watch the weight creeping up when you think you know the solution and have no trouble keeping your own weight normal. But that's marriage, I guess. We agreed to not try to control each other.
Would he be willing to consult with a nutritionist?
...now, that might be more of the same (bad) advice, but maybe not, if you were to search around for one that specializes in dietary treatment of metabolic disorder/diabetes. My grandfather was a type ii diabetic for years and finally found a nutritionist that put him on really strict carb limits - this controlled his diabetes better than anything else he'd done, and with fewer medications.
Gary Taubes' books put forth a really convincing argument but if he's not into reading books on the topic, maybe this article by Taubes would be better:
http://www.nytimes.com/2002/07/07/magazine/what-if-it-s-all-been-a-big-fat-lie.html?pagewanted=print&src=pm
Would he agree to a short-term change, and to have his lipids & blood glucose tested after that? I don't know how long one would need to do this to see a significant change, but maybe 2 months? If he saw a significant change, maybe he would have some motivation to stick with it.
Maybe he could make a list of things he considers to be treats and you could stock up on the ones that might not be as bad for him, and focus meals on the healthy variety you mentioned?
One of the meals that works really well for everyone in our house is "make your own salad." I cut up all sorts of veggies, some raw, some roasted, and put various other things on the table - cooked chicken, chickpeas, nuts, fruit, etc. Maybe if he can make choices at the table where everything is healthy, it might quell the desire to snack?
As for potatoes - supposedly the starch in them turns to 'resistant starch' after being cooked and then refrigerated, which has a lower blood sugar impact. I include chilled, steamed waxy potatoes in the salad fixings.
Also, maybe he would go for something like the plan described by the doctors' Heller in Healthy for Life--it allows for two low-carb meals and one with moderate carbohydrates.
ETA: Most nutritionists get their training materials from corporate food processors, so only a minority are aware of the growing body of evidence supporting controlled-carbohydrate diets. It will undoubtedly take some sleuthing to find Taubes-friendly health professionals in your area.
Have you pointed out to him that he's getting fat, and it affects how you feel about him? Nothing got me off the cr*ppy-eating wagon like my husband telling me (kindly) that I wasn't fat, but that I'd gotten more "stout" over the course of our marriage. Within two months I had lost 15 pounds, tripled my intake of fruits and vegetables, and started running again. Nobody wants to be "more stout." :(
Part of that was the two of us getting together and deciding on some meals that we could both agree on. We pulled a couple dozen recipes from CookingLight.com, found some ways to prepare fruit and vegetables that we both found yummy, and talked it over.
Sad to say, until he is as committed to changing his habits as YOU are, you are just spinning your wheels and creating white noise for him to ignore.
Could you stop buying the things that are the worst offenders? You're in charge of grocery shopping, after all.
I'm going to comment on this from the other side. My name is lhamo and I am addicted to carbohydrates. I know they are bad for me, I know I need to control them, but telling me to do it through willpower alone seems as difficult as going cold turkey on a serious heroin addiction. It is that bad. I did great with my low carb diet last week. This week the stress kicked in, I got busy, DH (aka food cop) is away and I have been BAAAAAD. My weight is up a full kilo since Sunday. I know in my brain that this is only hurting me, that it doesn't make sense, but it is hard hard hard to change 40+ years of food habits and a system that has me craving carbs with such intensity.
For me, I have to totally elimnate the stuff from the house. That has been my excuse this week -- eat it up and get it gone! Not good for me in the short term, but maybe good in the long term.
Nagging from DH does not help, especially because he is about 20 years behind when it comes to nutritional info. Still totally a low fat advocate when I already know that DOES NOT work for me. The more he bugs me about things (even just saying something simple like "aren't you going to work out today?") the more reactive and oppositional I get.
I don't know if this is helpful feedback. It is just my perspective as a carb-addicted fatty. I need to lose at least 20 lbs, 30 would be better. I have been busting my butt, working out with a trainer 3x week and working out on my own an average of 2x a week in addition since January, and I have lost a total of 1 kilo. I have been trying to change my diet, but it is hard, hard hard. MAybe I do need to have my thyroid checked. I don't know.
So, my advice from this perspective would be don't nag. Fill the house only with healthy options. Make really good, tasty low carb foods. Try to find out what he likes that is low carb and make sure there is some of that around all the time. Splurge on having lots of fresh fruits and interesting foods around. Don't nag him, but make information that will help him make better choices available. Try to encourage him (in a gentle way) to get more physically active -- preferably doing fun things with you. Don't cater to his carb cravings, but don't become the food cop either. Ultimately he needs to see the light and learn to control himself better himself.
lhamo
HappyHiker
4-27-11, 5:37pm
[QUOTE=puglogic;21521]Have you pointed out to him that he's getting fat, and it affects how you feel about him? Nothing got me off the cr*ppy-eating wagon like my husband telling me (kindly) that I wasn't fat, but that I'd gotten more "stout" over the course of our marriage. Within two months I had lost 15 pounds, tripled my intake of fruits and vegetables, and started running again. Nobody wants to be "more stout." :(
Part of that was the two of us getting together and deciding on some meals that we could both agree on. We pulled a couple dozen recipes from CookingLight.com, found some ways to prepare fruit and vegetables that we both found yummy, and talked it over.
We women are wonderful, we want to nurture and make everyone better if we can...but sometimes we can't...we can only show by example.
I sure wouldn't keep any junk food in the house, I would continue to shop and serve healthy meals--then you've done your best. If DH chooses to eat unhealthy foods on his own..well, that's his choice, as hard as that is to bear. You can't wire his jaw shut.
Hard to accept, isn't it? I know that it is, been there, bought the tee shirt.
As the other poster said: "Sad to say, until he is as committed to changing his habits as YOU are, you are just spinning your wheels and creating white noise for him to ignore."
I'm in the same (and a very different) boat. Four-and-a-half years ago, we found I had MS. I became a vegan, lost 85 pounds, and my symptoms all but disappeared. Around the same time, DH became vegan in order to control his diabetes, a la Dr. Neal Barnard's "Reversing Diabetes" program. He lost a *lot* of weight (he didn't weigh himself, so we never knew how much), got his blood pressure under control, got his blood sugar back in check, and lost quite a bit of the pain that comes with diabetic neuropathy. He also felt great and had huge amounts of energy he hadn't had before. Well, that lasted about six months, and he quit, gained all the weight back, lost control of his blood pressure and blood sugar, lost his energy, and had the pain creep back worse than before.
I've been able to stay vegan, stay slim, and keep my MS under control. I like to eat whole foods (not processed) - steamed veggies, green smoothies, lentils and beans, fruits, etc. He's all about the junk food - ice cream, soda, pizza, cookies/cakes/pastries, hamburgers, chips, etc. Very high-fat, high-sugar, high-sodium, highly-processed, low-nutrition foods. He buys himself treats daily.
I'm a person who *hates* nagging (or just feeling like I'm nagging). I know (because I've been unhealthy, myself) that it would make him feel awful to sit down and discuss it. I know he doesn't like to think about it. And, he detests feeling like others are telling him what to do (a bit of a problem with authority - I'm guilty of the same). So, I've just been modeling good nutrition and exercise as best I can. Obviously, though, that hasn't done the trick; he's more unhealthy than ever.
He knows how good he can feel when he eats healthy foods, but it doesn't seem to be enough to convince him to change his ways.
What bothers me most is that our son watches us both, but being 13, he's more likely to reach for Dad's junk food than Mom's produce. Sigh.... He sees how awful diabetes has made his father's life (and it really has had a huge impact on the things he's able to do), but he still prefers the junk (and what 13-year-old wouldn't?). He just feels guilty for eating it (which makes things even worse, I know). Ugh.
We're both employed and out of the house a lot, so I tend not to make his meals. When I cook for myself, I could cook enough for him to eat, as well, but every time I've tried, the food just sits there. I usually end up taking it for lunch before it goes bad. Now, my son usually drinks part of my green smoothie each day, and there are a few veggies he doesn't turn his nose up at. Also, he likes to eat the beans I cook. So, I'm doing a bit better on that front, but not as well as I'd like.
So, all this to say, I truly don't know what the best way to help your DH would be. Modeling hasn't helped in our situation (and it sounds as though you've been modeling healthy behaviors for quite a while). Maybe tell him it's time for him to pick a nutrition plan. You have to know by X date what he intends to do so you can help him get healthy - however he wants to do it. I'd probably not focus on his weight (since it's such a touchy subject in our culture), but press the issue of his health. You love him so much, you want him around a good long time, and this is the way to do it. That sort of thing.... Guess I should take my own advice. Ugh. Not looking forward to the conversation, but I guess it's just a necessary step.
Good luck, Kib. I hope we both end up with healthy, happy hubbies.
"Have you pointed out to him that he's getting fat, and it affects how you feel about him? "
I don't know about anyone else, but having my mate essentially chide me with "You're not the hottie I signed on for," would motivate me only to resent him. My partner and I have been through 30-some years together. We've both gained and lost weight, faced a variety of health issues--our own and family members'--and neither of us look the better for it. I feel safe in saying we love each other more than ever (at least that was our status as of this morning... :~))
I beat him over the head with nutrition information and then we laugh about what he hears "Blah blah blah blah low carb, blah blah blah." I think he and I would both benefit by having an enthusiastic and knowledgeable LC cook serving us meals--I could crank out meal plans by the ream--there are so many really good options--but I don't really like to cook. He can cook, but doesn't have the LC chops.
Along with others, I agree Kib's dh will ultimately make his own decisions about what to eat (as he should), but controlled-carbohydrate eating can be so delicious and satisfying (as well as healthful) he really should give it a shot.
treehugger
4-27-11, 6:21pm
Since you are the one doing all the cooking and related work, I think you have the right to cook whatever you want. He's an adult and can add on whatever food he wants or cook his own.
I think this is a key point here. You can cook and eat the way you want to without any preaching or nagging. Then he's free to eat what you cook, or not, or supplement with whatever he makes/buys. This is sort of a good middle ground.
I feel very strongly about not being my husband's mom (and I have been there; my husband was diagnosed with end-stage renal disease and then went on dialysis and diet is very much a part of the treatment). I used to get into arguments with my father-in-law who thought I should be "in charge" of my husband's treatment, appointments, diet, etc. Um, no. I don't want that kind of relationship with my husband, thank you very much.
Now, I'm very lucky in that Joe monitored himself fairly well (after a rebellious period), but the fact is I did almost all of the cooking before he got sick, and I continued to do it afterwards, so I cooked the way I wanted to and he ate what I cooked. There was no nagging or preaching from me about what he did or didn't eat, or what junk food he supplemented with, ever.
Best wishes to you both!
Kara
AmeliaJane
4-27-11, 7:14pm
I know you feel strongly about low-carb diets, but maybe your husband would do better with something simpler. For instance, there is the No S diet (google for it), which stands for No Snacks, No Sweets, No Seconds, except on days beginning with S (ie, weekends and special days like birthdays). My brother did very well on that plan--he did not like trying to figure out what he could eat or tracking food a la Weight Watchers.
I hope it works out...
The cook gets to determine the menu. I think there's nothing wrong with making healthy meals, and if he eats them or not, or too much of them, nothing you can do about that. Don't buy any junk food and if he insists on having it in the house, make him buy it.
My DH is a healthy eater. When I started going to Weight Watchers' he was apprehensive about how the meals would change here but in essence, he already eats according to the WW plan: lots of fresh salads and veg, meat with little fat, some carbs but not extreme. He does have at least 1 dessert every day but since he burns off all of those calories, he's fine with that diet.
"my husband was diagnosed with end-stage renal disease and then went on dialysis and diet is very much a part of the treatment)."
Speaking about diet and kidney disease, I recently ran across this study:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/04/110420184429.htm
that shows diabetes-related kidney disease may be reversed by a ketogenic diet. Ketogenic diets have also been used to treat epilepsy and brain tumors.
fidgiegirl
5-1-11, 11:18am
I know you feel strongly about low-carb diets, but maybe your husband would do better with something simpler. For instance, there is the No S diet (google for it), which stands for No Snacks, No Sweets, No Seconds, except on days beginning with S (ie, weekends and special days like birthdays). My brother did very well on that plan--he did not like trying to figure out what he could eat or tracking food a la Weight Watchers.
I hope it works out...
Thanks for sharing this. I plan to try out this approach this week. This thread was timely for me because my doc recommended I try to curb my carbs to have better luck losing weight. I have tried tracking calories in the past but I know my patience is only so long for this approach.
kib, I wish you the best of luck in figuring this out with your DH. I'm with lhamo - the more anyone mentions my fitness to me, even my DH who is just trying to help me get going because he knows I'm very regretful when I miss an opportunity to work out (usually because for some dumb reason I decide to just not do it) I will resist his encouragement. Poor guy, he only means the best.
I'm all about No S, too. There are several anecdotal reports about people managing their weight and health numbers by following it. I'm managing peri-menopause quite well on it. www.nosdiet.com
ApatheticNoMore
5-3-11, 2:09pm
I tried the No S diet, I fell off it, I just couldn't do it. I could never get enough calories in my body in the A.M. without snacking, to be anything other than insanely hungry, want to eat the furniture hungry. Skip afternoon snacks? Probably doable. Skip after dinner snacks? Doable. But skip morning snacks? Impossible. It seems I need at least 1/2 preferably more like 2/3rds of my daily calories to be in me before 1pm. Combine that with working and it's not easy.
So the no S diet was for me a diet with a LOT of hunger. That may be healthy, but I just couldn't continue it for life (I've gone on very low calorie diets with less hunger than not eating enough in the AM caused!).
Sweets have lost a lot of appeal for me in time. I can't say I entirely avoid them. I don't. But my body is just balanced in a way that I don't CRAVE them as much anymore (and I feel yucky when I over-consume them). Part of that is my carbs are much more balanced in my diet with protein and fat these days. I eat real food. I eat adequate animal protein. Etc.. I just do feel more balanced all around. And part of that balancing may be just weighing more. It's unfortunate (a bit under 122 last I weighed and yes could definitely lose some extra fat), but I think my body fights a low weight point (probably could lose a couple of pounds without problems just by exercise and not eating out and skipping sweets and never eating when not hungry, but any more and my body might protest) and part of that fighting came in the form of crazy sugar cravings, not just hunger, but NEED FOR SUGAR NOW!!! Guess my body knew quick fattening calories when it saw them :)
As a hefty stalwart on the diet front (after getting burned on the yo-yo thing) I am finding Fat 2 Fit rather enticing
http://www.fat2fitradio.com/
They have a lot of info at the site and a podcast. I really like BMR calculator and the podcast. For excercise I like nerd fitness....
http://nerdfitness.com/blog/2009/12/09/beginner-body-weight-workout-burn-fat-build-muscle/
The most important thing I get out of this is to do only as many reps as you can with good form and then just stop and move on to the next excercise... it keeps the motivation up.
have you tried some of the recipes substituting cauliflower for potatoes and rice? Also saw that some people use radishes in soups and stews with sucess instead of potatos. Maybe you could slowly change him over to your way of eating? Cheesecakes made with splenda, etc?
If he is going to eat unhealthy snacks anyway then I would fix healthy low carb meals and he can eat it or not, may add a few extra's like baked sweet potatoes and legumes if that would make him happier. Grilled fish and poultry, fresh salads and veggies can be mainstays of most any diet other then veggie only. Good luck. :)
It's strange, but it seems to me that a person's diet is a very personal thing. A lot of the time it's all tied up with emotions, memory and self-image. I really think that if a person is going to change there, the decision has to come from within.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.