Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind?

[SiouzQ.]

Here it is, Christmas evening, and no one in my family of origin has called me. This brings up complicated feelings in me - I am not much of a holiday person, I don't get into all the decorating, shopping and hoopla, in fact I was sort of secretly glad I got to miss the annual X-Mas dinner now that I am out here in New Mexico. I think most of it was that these last few years I was so exhausted working at Wholefoods that by Christmas day (the only day out of the year the store is closed) I just never felt like making the trek an hour away up to my sister's house.

So this year I had decided I wasn't going to do the gift thing and sent an e-mail a month ago to my mom and sister explaining that instead of exchanging gifts, I was going to take the money and postage I would have spent and instead donate it to the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, etc. I said that I really did not need gifts myself and to please donate that money to various causes. They both thought it was a good idea and it makes every one's life easier.

But I digress - most of today I have been just fine being here, doing my thing, treating it as any other day. I went out last night and was among people and had good conversations. Today I slept late, putzed around, went for a drive but have been alone all day. I guess I thought someone from my family would called at some point, but nope, no one has called me. And now I am feeling isolated and kind of sad about my family. We just are not close at all. I don't think my father has taken the initiative to call me in at least fifteen years; every once in a while I make a point of calling to see how he is doing but it is somewhat awkward. My daughter is in Mexico with her grandma and I haven't been able to reach her. I've never been one who makes very many phone calls to people except my mom and my daughter anyway. I rarely if ever talk to my sister and brother any more either, though I did just leave a message on my brother's phone. I guess I am kind of lonely as the day wears on...

I did end up calling my dad tonight and talked to him for the first time in six months. He is in Mauii and I got to hear all about the next trip to Japan, then his trip back to Hawaii in March. He (at age 89) and his wife do a lot of globe-trotting just because they can. He says he keeps up with me on Facebook but I did remind him he is perfectly welcome to pick up the phone and call me for once.

It's just weird how people that are related to each other just drift farther and farther apart over time. I know I play a part in it too, not being a phone person, but my two siblings don't make much of an effort either.

I don't know what I am getting at here, because most of the time it doesn't bother me that much. It seems like this feeling of isolation gets me on holidays, whether I am back in Michigan or out here half way across the country. It makes me think that once both my parents are dead and gone that my siblings and I will never have a reason to ever contact each other at all. Sometimes I wonder if my sister is pissed at me for moving so far away leaving her to be the one closest to our mom as she enters really old age...

[pinkytoe]

I think the season just amplifies all these kind of melancholy thoughts. We are feeling sad because DD never called us today nor did any gift show up. She responded to a text but that was it. It bothers DH more than me; I am just happy that she is grown and happy with the life she has created. I recall being young and going for weeks without calling my mother not realizing then how much it must have hurt her feelings. I am glad the season is almost over. So many expectations...

[ToomuchStuff]

There are people who are phone people, then there are email people, text people, Facebook people, etc. Don't expect others to be on the same terms as you. Contacting works both ways, and your more apt to know what the traditional family schedule is, in their time zone, then they are to know what your doing in yours.
And IMHE, as things happen to parents, and the family is further apart, siblings tend to talk when there is a death or medical issue, but most aren't close in local or to each other then.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoXLKgX0MgU

[ctg492]

I understand, having moved so many times.

I have finally released myself of the quilt of making the choice not to drive to see others. Because heaven knows not one person has ever once come to see us on the holidays. It took till really after mom passed to get to this point. I went to see dad last tuesday. I wanted to drive the three hours back on Christmas, but I have a cold and really dad cares nothing about the holiday. SO it would have been all about me feeling the need to be there. I got zero calls, but than again I never called anyone either except dad.

My son works a great amount two jobs one being WFs full time, so his time off is really important and he does not celebrate holidays. SO I understand.

I guess I have come to understand you get what you give. If It meant a lot to me and I impressed this others, the quilt would be on them to call or drive. Since I don't I Imagine they figure she does not care and maybe they are correct.

[Teacher Terry]

Now that both my parents are gone I have grown distant with my siblings. We weren't close when they were alive but with them gone no real reason to contact. My sister and I email monthly and really nothing with my brother. I tried to keep in contact with my brother but it was a one way street so gave up. However, I am close with my 3 boys and one of my stepsons which I feel grateful for. Many people would not be friends with their sibs if they were not related. We get to pick our friends.

[Simplemind]

There is some distancing in my family as well. I've learned a lot in the last four years since my mom died. I have also learned a lot in my own home since the children have grown. Relationships change and either you keep an eye on it and respond or you start drifting apart. My brother is the baby of the family and everything was always done for him much to his older female siblings chagrin. He came to every family dinner with nothing but a fork in his hand. He never acknowledged a birthday other than being present if a dinner was being given. Then my parents got older and stopped hosting and he became an even bigger tool. My sister and I would have our parents over and now and again she and I would invite each other over. Neither of us did a big family dinner and my brother had an entourage that was bigger than either of us put together. He sat with me one day and told me how much he missed family dinners. He said he really felt left out. I asked him how he could feel left out when nothing was being done that excluded him. He thought about that for awhile and then said he really wished me or my sister would do something. I then explained to him how difficult it can be to host and he was surprised because it had never seemed like that big of a deal and nobody complained. I put it to him that if he was missing family then he and his wife should host. Nobody else was missing all the work, or the family that showed up and contributed nothing. It took a long time but eventually they hosted a BBQ and it was lovely and everybody had a good time. My mom died four years ago and he showed up those last two months and put in just as much time as my sister and I did. We restructured our sibling relationship as my mom was dying. We became close and realized that this was a new relationship.... adults, not kids, not dependent on our folks or how our folks determined the former family dynamic. Nobody gets to sit back and bitch about the other. If we want to have a conversation then we pick up the phone instead of waiting to be called. That said...... we all have preferred ways of communicating and none of them match. My brother is not on FB and has spotty cell service. He will email but with the depth of a fortune cookie. My sister likes the phone and is a text demon spanning all devices. If I don't answer on FB she will text my phone and send an email. I hate the phone, don't carry my cell but have my laptop open on the kitchen counter and will check often during the day. If either of them texts and says... call me, I have no problem with that.
Bottom line is I have learned, not only in my own family but also with people that I work with, these feelings can be universal and it is very easy to fall on the passive side and ruminate over nobody calling and not realize that the person on the other side is feeling the same thing. We have our roles that we play in the family and it is very hard to break them. When I would call my folks if my dad answered he would immediately pass it off to my mom, even if we protested, because she was the talker. So it was very hard to have phone conversations with him after she passed because he wasn't used to that. It was like pulling teeth but he would be quite talkative in person.
This has been a huge topic with us lately because our kids are grown and even though we modeled that family is important and taking care of others is important, our kids are very self centered. All three of them are not planning on having their own kids. We take care of our remaining parents and they can see how much time we put into that. We haven't done Christmas or gifts the past few years because everybody had multiple plans or obligations. My husbands daughter has only called him twice this past year (she lives 15 miles away) but called the other night as he was sitting in the ER with his mom to ask what he was planning for her birthday. So it looks like it is time to redefine those relationships as well. Nobody is a mind reader and if you need more from somebody you need to tell them. If you want to talk more then you need to make that move as well as let that person know you are missing their presence in your life. It takes effort to stay connected and we tend to get more passive with time. Sorry for the ramble..... just very timely for me.

[razz]

Relationships with family and friend is just like a garden, I have found. They take work, thought, planning, feeding and weeding. Some efforts are worth it and some with trial are not. I find that I have to be careful. Some people are invasive and take over if given the chance so I avoid them or weed them out. Some require special nurturing but so worth it. So many are treasured parts of my life.

What do you want in the garden of your life? You need a healthy base to build from (getting to your new home has been a positive move, SQ) and then grow what you value. One friend said that building any relationship, professional or personal is like old-fashioned courting done in stages. I have thought about that and find that I am agreeing with him.

[KayLR]

I'm so glad this thread is here today, because I really needed to read that I'm not alone in family disappointment vs. happy holiday warmth.

My mom and I had a falling out this year---I won't go into it, but she hurt me for the last time. I just decided I was done with putting myself out there with her anymore--there's a long history of her inconsideration of my feelings, and I'm really not a thin-skinned person. I sent her a card for her birthday and at Christmas, wishing her a happy time. But we have not gone to visit.

THEN, she sent a Christmas card with $50 in it for each of us (DH & I). Ugh. I just want to donate it and send her an acknowledgement of it. I didn't get her anything. What would you do?

I'm fairly close to one sibling; but like many of you, my relationship with the other two younger ones has faded, especially since my dad's death 20 years ago. He really was the glue of the family. It's never been the same since.

[Tybee]

THEN, she sent a Christmas card with $50 in it for each of us (DH & I). Ugh. I just want to donate it and send her an acknowledgement of it. I didn't get her anything. What would you do?

.

I would write her a thank you note, pleasant and neutral, and then I would put it in an envelope in my drawer and label it emergency Christmas Mother. Then I'd wait to see if I had an emergency, and if so, I would spend that first!

[freshstart]

I would acknowledge it with a thank you note that is a thank you card with all the writing already done and just sign your name

My kids were a disappointment on Christmas. I feel like they only came over for a present grab, even though they are both atheists and said they didn't want gifts. My son got nobody anything and he left a very special (to me only apparently) t shirt that I got him here and took off with the cash gifts. DD at least bought people small, thoughtful gifts with her own money now that she is working. DS started a fight and they left and nobody has spoken to each other since. I should've predicted that. Next year my son is getting a card, he bragged about so much money he has saved up and can't even give his family cards or behave nicely. I wanted to give him a Christmas hug and he claimed that would be rape! I'd say he and I are back to being estranged, conveniently done after the money grab. I am so disappointed in him. I've been working really hard on my relationship with my DD, I hope the Christmas argument didn't ruin it.

the holidays are so hard for so many

[iris lilies]

Freststart, your son's comment about "rape" is ridiculous. Ugh!

[19Sandy]

I sort of gave up on the Christmas cheer after dealing with retail work. As a kid and through adulthood I was always sick during the holidays and school break. I also have a birthday in the week leading up to Christmas. It is all too much for me to cope with. Never had a birthday party since it is right before Christmas either. My kids can facebook or whatever all the time but rarely contact me either. I kept busy working on genealogy (a psychologist would have fun with that connection).

[ToomuchStuff]

I would acknowledge it with a thank you note that is a thank you card with all the writing already done and just sign your name

My kids were a disappointment on Christmas. I feel like they only came over for a present grab, even though they are both atheists and said they didn't want gifts. My son got nobody anything and he left a very special (to me only apparently) t shirt that I got him here and took off with the cash gifts. DD at least bought people small, thoughtful gifts with her own money now that she is working. DS started a fight and they left and nobody has spoken to each other since. I should've predicted that. Next year my son is getting a card, he bragged about so much money he has saved up and can't even give his family cards or behave nicely. I wanted to give him a Christmas hug and he claimed that would be rape! I'd say he and I are back to being estranged, conveniently done after the money grab. I am so disappointed in him. I've been working really hard on my relationship with my DD, I hope the Christmas argument didn't ruin it.

the holidays are so hard for so many

Really, a disappointment? You said in another thread, that he effectively did the same thing, the year prior, and you expected a different result? (you did predict it, and then ignored your prediction) You have also said he hasn't been close to you and emancipated himself from you since he was 15.
You also just mentioned that you didn't respect their belief's and wishes, and are surprised they learned the same?
Did you say anything to your son, along the lines of what you told your daughter: "I told her the only gift I want is time with her"?
Have you noticed the pattern, of the needing to be in contact with him, the further you have driven him away, yet?

[Teacher Terry]

FS: I an really sorry for how you were treated and your parents by ungrateful kids. I hope they grow up someday. TMS: that was really mean and uncalled for!thumbsup!

[freshstart]

I didn't say I didn't respect their beliefs in terms of atheism, I respect that and told them so. I did not put up a big tree or go heavy handed on past Christmas traditions. And I do see the pattern of the more I "chase" Adam, the further away he gets, that's why I left it up to him if he was going to come over for Christmas, I didn't ask for a response, I expected nothing from him and I got it. And I did not tell him the only gift I wanted was time with him because we were not communicating these past 5 mos, asking him that would've pushed him further away. And I was disappointed because I had hoped he had grown up a bit during his months in AZ. Even though we are effectively estranged, I will always be disappointed by a negative interaction (like the rape comment) because he is still my son and I love him unconditionally.

[ToomuchStuff]

Freststart, your son's comment about "rape" is ridiculous. Ugh!

Being in college/trade school, he probably just recently went through some orientation that explained that NO means NO, and unwanted touching is the same as, instead of the legal assault, sexual assault and rape that the law has.


FS: I an really sorry for how you were treated and your parents by ungrateful kids. I hope they grow up someday. TMS: that was really mean and uncalled for!thumbsup!

That is part of the point. Their brains are still developing and she is trying to rush something that in the end is there decision. Not everyone stays in contact with all members of their families, there are falling outs, and missed chances for goodbyes, etc.
Life isn't all happy things, and for certain, we don't see his posts to see any other viewpoint. For all I know his concerns with work and how much he is making, could be his way of preparing for what he thinks he may have inherited in medical problems and how he needs to save for it. I saw her other posts, predicting the other way and this post just appears to me as head in sand.

[Teacher Terry]

It is really horrible when one parent makes the other parent the bad guy. It hurts their child more then the other parent. Every time you say something bad about the other parent you may have just stuck a knife in your own child. I used to use that visual to get people to understand what they were doing. My ex and I never, ever have said one bad word about the other and go out of our way to remain friendly even though our kids are in their 30-40's. FS: you can only control your own behavior and not your ex's. So sorry you got the raw deal in this matter.