View Full Version : These days I feel like telling everybody off!
Over the past few years I've become aware of a sudden desire to just let people I can't stand know what I think of them.
Facebook, and the Internet in general, have been aggravating factors - people come out of nowhere and demand my attention.
Backstory: I spent the first 40 years of my life underemployed and friendless. My parents died young, so after age 30 I had no family obligations. I left school without a degree - my jobs were always lower-tier clerical gigs. As an introvert with low social skills and zero status at work, my life was incredibly lonely. For years.
The good thing though, was I always had tons of time. Life was quiet but manageable. I read up a storm. I started drawing a comic strip and logged sixty pages of it. I started a novel. My activities were still pretty inner-oriented, and I was having trouble connecting my life with the outside world. But I was making some slow progress on personal goals.
And then, things changed. I got married, acquired a fun and demanding job, took up art, and am starting to be paid for it. Plus I've got a number of side projects that need attention. For the first time in my life, I'm like everybody else: I have no time!
So, a new kind of problem: random people out of frickin' nowhere are rearing up and demanding my response constantly these days. It's bizarre and I'm having trouble dealing with it.
A big factor is my job. I work in radio as an announcer, so I'm more visible than the actual decision-makers behind the scenes. But there are people who think I'm some sort of kingmaker (not at all the case), and they're constantly hitting me up for stuff. Examples:
A pianist I knew and adored as a kid, but who fizzled out as a result of illness and bad luck, has decided I should revive his career. I taped one of his masterclasses and aired part of it on our station. Now he's asking: What's next? What's next, like I'm his agent! My work doesn't want a second story on him, since they've already done one. I tried to explain it, but he's all sadsack and acting like I've betrayed him. This has been upsetting to me. He was my idol when I was a kid, and now I feel like I screwed up somehow. Other people tell me he's a jerk and it's not my fault, and I know that. But it's left a bad taste.
People are constantly emailing me about their lives. We have wonderful listeners, but they seem to feel that getting any kind of pleasant response from me along the lines of, "So glad you like the music, please stay tuned" is a green light to start sending me novels about their personal lives.
People assume I'm a musicologist, and demand that I do complex research about pieces they've heard or that they like. I politely tell them that I'm very busy with my work-related stuff, and then they start guilting me with, "That's really too bad that you can't take time to connect with your listeners."
One guy who introduced himself to me in an email as our town's hottest DJ, and assured me that I should just google him to confirm it - "I'm all over the Internet," he says - decided he should host a Mozart-themed costume party featuring me. "We could put your paintings up on the walls." I said thanks, but my work is all digital, it's not on canvas. "But you can do some paintings, right?" I'm like yeah, in all my free time, I'd be SO HAPPY to donate free art to your Mozart party. WTF?
Another older guy, an artist, invited me to come look at his etchings (I'm not making this up), and when I demurred, he simply kept at it. When I told him I don't visit listeners at their homes, he said, "I'm not a listener!" WTF? And then he says he's got a gun collection that my husband might be interested in. A GUN collection! And he thinks a woman he's heard on the radio is going to come running over to his house to look at his gun collection?!
There's an English guy (I think he's English because he uses the word "whilst") who is obviously disturbed and sends me links to his web site, which is all black and full of crazy blogging about graphically violent sex acts. He's sort of in a category all his own. I document everything he sends me in case he starts threatening me, and then I'll take it to the police. I've blocked him from our Facebook page, and he's already expressed displeasure over that. So I expect to hear more. Oh joy.
For the super energetic emailers, I've been creating rules to send their stuff straight to the trash. But these people are also our listeners, and since we've become a listener-supported station, we have to play nice. We're constantly asking them for money, for one thing. Management has never allowed us to fight fire with fire, even when people come up with ridiculous criticisms and have way too much emotion over it ("Kitten mispronounced Manuel de Falla this morning, TWICE! Tell Kitten she should be fired! Oh, and I'll never give you people any money, ever!")
Since my art has been online, people are always asking if they can use it for free. I'm really tired of it, but I've heard this is a common problem. Still - I just can't believe that people expect they can have whatever they want. And it's always the same phraseology. Somebody sends me a message with the subject line: I LOVE YOUR ART! In all caps. As if all I ever wanted was love, and now that I have it from random strangers, I should be willing to give all my art to them for nothing. Or people say, "Wow, you work so fast, it's so easy for you." But IT'S NOT EASY! Art is hard! What's with these asshats? It takes hours to complete a piece, even a cartoon. Even if it were easy for me, I'd still charge for it!
So I'm already just one big exposed nerve, and what's even harder to handle is personal stuff right now. I recently got a brief email message from an old boyfriend - like, way old, almost twenty years ago now. He was pompous and emotionally abusive, and he had a sort of madonna-whore problem around women. He was recently separated then, but always obsessed with his ex-wife. He treated me as if I were an errant temptress out of Nathaniel Hawthorne. It had something to do with the fact that I was in my early thirties but had never had a long-term relationship - he was puzzled and vaguely disapproving of that. So I had a tan on the tops of my feet, and he said, "What is that, a tan, or just dirt?" Once he told me he loved me the same way he loved his brother-in-law. That was when I broke it off. So I haven't heard from him for twenty years, and then yesterday he sends me a brief email, the subject line of which was: "YOU MADE IT!" So I look at the message, and he's all, "Wow, you made it! Congratulations on having gotten together a nice little life for yourself!" That was it. Like - Oh good, that freak from twenty years ago thinks I'm all right. Yeah, I was worried about whether or not he would give me the stamp of approval. Thank God, what a relief!" I mean, WTF??
Since the guy is not a listener, I've been really tempted to just let loose on him. I really want to tell him to go screw himself. And it would feel really luxurious, because I've always been a "nice" person. And it's like I'm just at the end of my ability to be that way anymore!
But - I also want to be a classy person who is always in control, never shows emotion, and always takes the high road.
So - I can delete the guy's message and never respond. Or, I can tell him I don't need his condescending bullcrap and to go stuff it. Or I can say, Hey, hi, howya doing, what's up?
But I don't care what's up with that guy. I could break him in half with one hand, is what I feel like.
And it brings up philosophical questions. How much do I owe other people? When does it suddenly become okay to stand up for myself? How do I do that, anyway? How do I act? I endured emotional abuse from my parents for years, and I had lost the ability to know when was being treated well and when I wasn't. In recent years I've gotten in touch with my anger about all of that, and it's like I'm just a flaming column of fire. All the time. I'm furious, constantly.
The thing is, I believe I'm justified. But I can't just tell people to stuff it, can I?
Sorry this was such a bizarre early-morning rant! You guys are smart, I always appreciate your input :)
hey kitten,
your rant made me laugh because i can identify with it so well! it's funny, i think that when you are in the public eye, even just a little bit, people think that you, i dunno, have it so together that you should be willing to help them or something?
a few weeks ago, my company was featured in the newspaper. here's the highlights of our feedback from that story. 1) are you hiring? 2) would you give me a discount? 3) i know someone who wants to go into fashion, can you take her on as a paid intern 4) do you want to buy my fabric even though i'm not willing to send you any pictures of it but maybe you can just come over and check it out? 5) will you donate a dress to our fundraiser? and on and on.
none of the responses were crazy per se, but it depressed me a little bit how the only emails we got were basically a bunch of outstretched hands.
when i was selling album cover purses at arts festivals and what have you, plenty of the crazy exhibited itself as well. folks would hang out for HOURS telling me every memory they had about the albums i was using. and sure, a bit of conversation and nostalgia is great ... but many didn't know when they had crossed the line from friendly to annoying.
with wear the shift, i have noticed that there's a significant amount of body dysmorphia out there. like, 8 out of 10 people have some irrational hatred of some part of their bodies which makes it super difficult to make them happy.
in your case, i have heard dave ramsey talk about the fact that radio is an incredibly intimate medium. and that rings true to me -- your voice is speaking directly to them in the car or whatever, ane folks start to think they know you. this causes boundaries to come crashing down when they probably shouldn't!
at any rate, i think you know how you want to behave and just needed to get this off your chest. sounds like you're doing the right thing with the crazy facebook dude, and you probably don't want to open up a can of whoopass on your ex, because you wouldn't really be served by it ... and it might feel good for a minute, but about 10 minutes later you'll feel like an ass (ask me how i know this!) ...
the best thing you can do, i think, is to just keep protecting your boundaries in a congenial and firm way, and focus on what you want to do instead of what everyone wants from you. you are not responsible for other people's craziness!!
First of all, do not respond to the creepy old boyfriend. Whether you do it in person or by e-mail, that stuff will live forever and come back and bite you, over and over again.
And, your rant is not bizarre. I am a fairly publicly known person in my geography, and I experience many of the same situations. Beyond that, even people who are not in the public eye have this same stuff in their lives, but for them, there are fewer consequences from being in relationship with others. They can, and are, able to handle unfortunate and bothersome contacts.
I am also an artist and work in a variety of different media, including electronic. There seem to be no barriers or constraints on how some people believe that artistic endeavour is easy, comes easily and is of lesser value than other kinds of work. Yet, they still want it for free. Hardly a month passes that does not include at least a half-dozen requests for free artwork. Frankly, it is more of a demand and is much the way that people with huge amounts of money are expected to fork it over for anything and anyone. Yeah, your worthy cause is worthy (at least to you), but if I gave to every truly worthy cause, that is all that I would be doing. The whole spare time thing, just as you have experienced these requests.
Factor in those people who think that simply because they love your work that they should get some of it for free as a reward for loving your work, and it is difficult to be nice sometimes. But, no matter what the request, I demur, saying that my giving is planned out in advance for each year and that I am happy to put their cause/need/personal request on the waiting list, and share with them that that list is quite long, but I appreciate their interest and admiration for my work. Thankyouverymuch!
I finally had to remove all images of my work from the Internet. Finding it for sale, illegally, in the form of greeting cards, posters and the like, and having it removed is more trouble and work than anyone should have to do to protect their work. Intellectual property rights, copyrights and attendant issues are a completely foreign concept for way too many people. Those folk believe that if they like your stuff, then they can have it, use it or sell it in any way they see fit and the artist should be thanking them for the exposure, not making them stop. One such person's justification was that I should be thrilled that more people would learn about and appreciate my work. I had a customer who thought that because my paintings were so expensive that should be able to recoup her investment by using the paintings to make prints and then sell them in her own shop. Seriously, this attitude coming from another business person still amazes me.
And, whilst I appreciate being mentioned in the media or interviewed, that kind of exposure also brings out those individuals who believe that I have an inside track to those resources so that they can have me provide the same exposure for their own interests or business or activities lauded in the same ways.
Now that I am retired from many things, people assume that I have tons of free time to provide them with whatever they want, my work, my time and resources and my contacts. I provide a public service here and a few months ago I had a client who came to me only for the opportunity to train him to do what I do and provide him with all of my hard won contacts so that he could do the same thing, and that he needed my information because he was just too busy to do the ground work or get the training by himself.
Yesterday, someone came by my office, where I provide help to the public and told me that because I was so good at what I do, he wanted me to create a business plan, incorporation help, create a curriculum, and write for grants for an adult day care idea that he had. When I explained to him that that would involve months of intensive work, he said that was fine, he could spare the time to wait for me to finish. Oh, and he stopped by to pick up the advertising materials, press releases and research that I had done for him for another of his projects, work that I did gratis for him because it was for a veterans organization.
Sometimes I think that being a self-protective hermit is part of having a useful, productive life. Seriously. Part of this is the sometimes overwhelming demands that perfect strangers are comfortable making on me. It can be frightening in how some of them make their demands and attempt to insinuate themselves into my life. Most of those people are well-intentioned. However, that does not make them aware of how they present themselves, nor does there seem to be any way to encourage them to be less selfish and demanding.
I have tons more to say about this, but I have to boogie on out of here for an appointment.
AmeliaJane
4-28-11, 9:29am
Part of this is just endemic to having a public face, I think (just read about the crazy letters Charles Dickens and Mark Twain got, or etiquette books from the 1940s and 1950s telling people NOT to ask for free advice from doctors and lawyers at parties) but I do believe the changes in our society over the last 15 years or so have made it considerably worse. Now that we are all connected via the Internet (and being connected is essential in so many fields), the filters are gone. Also, as our society becomes more individualistic, many have come to feel they have to advocate for themselves to succeed (true) and success depends on building connections (very often true) but they have not developed the social skills or appropriate expectations to go with it.
Thanks Madgeylou, I appreciate your take on this. Firm boundaries, and keep concentrating on what I want to do. YESSSS!
It is kind of sad that people are so needy. I get depressed about it! Maybe that's what bothers me so much. And I identify with lonliness, and even craziness. I think it is possible to become very strange after years of not enough interaction with people, or not the right kind. Been there!
Dave Ramsey is so right about that weird intimacy thing that radio does. It's very disturbing actually. I've often thought that there's something simply wrong about a person's disembodied voice being sent right inside your ear, or whispering to you at night. It brings out some very primitive emotions in the brain I think. It's why people are obsessed with celebrities, with the promise of intimacy, with anything that evokes mom's voice reading them a tale before bedtime. And when you're the target of that weirdness (however understandable), it just makes you want to go take a shower.
I checked out your site, and I LOVE those dresses! What a great idea, I think you're on to something :)
hey kitten,
your rant made me laugh because i can identify with it so well! it's funny, i think that when you are in the public eye, even just a little bit, people think that you, i dunno, have it so together that you should be willing to help them or something?
a few weeks ago, my company was featured in the newspaper. here's the highlights of our feedback from that story. 1) are you hiring? 2) would you give me a discount? 3) i know someone who wants to go into fashion, can you take her on as a paid intern 4) do you want to buy my fabric even though i'm not willing to send you any pictures of it but maybe you can just come over and check it out? 5) will you donate a dress to our fundraiser? and on and on.
none of the responses were crazy per se, but it depressed me a little bit how the only emails we got were basically a bunch of outstretched hands.
when i was selling album cover purses at arts festivals and what have you, plenty of the crazy exhibited itself as well. folks would hang out for HOURS telling me every memory they had about the albums i was using. and sure, a bit of conversation and nostalgia is great ... but many didn't know when they had crossed the line from friendly to annoying.
with wear the shift, i have noticed that there's a significant amount of body dysmorphia out there. like, 8 out of 10 people have some irrational hatred of some part of their bodies which makes it super difficult to make them happy.
in your case, i have heard dave ramsey talk about the fact that radio is an incredibly intimate medium. and that rings true to me -- your voice is speaking directly to them in the car or whatever, ane folks start to think they know you. this causes boundaries to come crashing down when they probably shouldn't!
at any rate, i think you know how you want to behave and just needed to get this off your chest. sounds like you're doing the right thing with the crazy facebook dude, and you probably don't want to open up a can of whoopass on your ex, because you wouldn't really be served by it ... and it might feel good for a minute, but about 10 minutes later you'll feel like an ass (ask me how i know this!) ...
the best thing you can do, i think, is to just keep protecting your boundaries in a congenial and firm way, and focus on what you want to do instead of what everyone wants from you. you are not responsible for other people's craziness!!
Thanks Juds for the validation :)
I cannot believe that asshat that wanted a business plan from you for free! OMG!
I love your suggestion to tell people who want to enlist me in their cause, that I'll add it to my list and I'll get to it - when I get to it. Perfect solution. There's a guy who keeps trying to convert me to Marxism. He subscribed me to four or five radical papers, and they come to me at the station where they've become a joke. He and his buddies keep inviting me down to the hall. "When are you coming down to the hall?" It's like they think if they can get a hold of me physically, I'm going to undergo an instantaneous conversion. It's like a revival meeting under the tent with speaking in tongues and stuff. And I actually agree with some aspects of their ideas, but I sure as $hit don't have time to come down to the hall and hand out pamphlets and stand in the rain with a heavy sign and interview dissidents or refugees or - whatever. OMG!
And what is it with art lovers? Like they're doing me a favor by wanting it. One guy just took my images off my site and reproduced them on a music program, and told me about it later.
And then he had the balls to start requesting that I draw specific things for him! I said that I had so many drawing requests that the unpaid ones just weren't getting done, because the paid projects took precedence. It was like I was afraid to just tell him I need to be paid for a commissioned piece. Why on earth am I so afraid to confront these jerks? I also mentioned that he had already had plenty of use of my stuff for free. He objected to the word. He was all, "Oh, that wasn't for free! I mean, I put the link to your website on it." Oh my friggin gawd!
Yeah, I'm starting to think I need to take down my art blog. I've tried watermarks, but they're paranoid-looking and probably don't really work anyway. Nice that you get where I'm coming from! :)
And I love your tag line - just what I needed to hear today!
First of all, do not respond to the creepy old boyfriend. Whether you do it in person or by e-mail, that stuff will live forever and come back and bite you, over and over again.
And, your rant is not bizarre. I am a fairly publicly known person in my geography, and I experience many of the same situations. Beyond that, even people who are not in the public eye have this same stuff in their lives, but for them, there are fewer consequences from being in relationship with others. They can, and are, able to handle unfortunate and bothersome contacts.
I am also an artist and work in a variety of different media, including electronic. There seem to be no barriers or constraints on how some people believe that artistic endeavour is easy, comes easily and is of lesser value than other kinds of work. Yet, they still want it for free. Hardly a month passes that does not include at least a half-dozen requests for free artwork. Frankly, it is more of a demand and is much the way that people with huge amounts of money are expected to fork it over for anything and anyone. Yeah, your worthy cause is worthy (at least to you), but if I gave to every truly worthy cause, that is all that I would be doing. The whole spare time thing, just as you have experienced these requests.
Factor in those people who think that simply because they love your work that they should get some of it for free as a reward for loving your work, and it is difficult to be nice sometimes. But, no matter what the request, I demur, saying that my giving is planned out in advance for each year and that I am happy to put their cause/need/personal request on the waiting list, and share with them that that list is quite long, but I appreciate their interest and admiration for my work. Thankyouverymuch!
I finally had to remove all images of my work from the Internet. Finding it for sale, illegally, in the form of greeting cards, posters and the like, and having it removed is more trouble and work than anyone should have to do to protect their work. Intellectual property rights, copyrights and attendant issues are a completely foreign concept for way too many people. Those folk believe that if they like your stuff, then they can have it, use it or sell it in any way they see fit and the artist should be thanking them for the exposure, not making them stop. One such person's justification was that I should be thrilled that more people would learn about and appreciate my work. I had a customer who thought that because my paintings were so expensive that should be able to recoup her investment by using the paintings to make prints and then sell them in her own shop. Seriously, this attitude coming from another business person still amazes me.
And, whilst I appreciate being mentioned in the media or interviewed, that kind of exposure also brings out those individuals who believe that I have an inside track to those resources so that they can have me provide the same exposure for their own interests or business or activities lauded in the same ways.
Now that I am retired from many things, people assume that I have tons of free time to provide them with whatever they want, my work, my time and resources and my contacts. I provide a public service here and a few months ago I had a client who came to me only for the opportunity to train him to do what I do and provide him with all of my hard won contacts so that he could do the same thing, and that he needed my information because he was just too busy to do the ground work or get the training by himself.
Yesterday, someone came by my office, where I provide help to the public and told me that because I was so good at what I do, he wanted me to create a business plan, incorporation help, create a curriculum, and write for grants for an adult day care idea that he had. When I explained to him that that would involve months of intensive work, he said that was fine, he could spare the time to wait for me to finish. Oh, and he stopped by to pick up the advertising materials, press releases and research that I had done for him for another of his projects, work that I did gratis for him because it was for a veterans organization.
Sometimes I think that being a self-protective hermit is part of having a useful, productive life. Seriously. Part of this is the sometimes overwhelming demands that perfect strangers are comfortable making on me. It can be frightening in how some of them make their demands and attempt to insinuate themselves into my life. Most of those people are well-intentioned. However, that does not make them aware of how they present themselves, nor does there seem to be any way to encourage them to be less selfish and demanding.
I have tons more to say about this, but I have to boogie on out of here for an appointment.
Agh!
we've dealt with stalkers. I can't have a blog anymore due to DH having a few stalkers.
Everyone wants everything for free.
The requests to donate our art to 'the most important worthy cause' art auction come in daily. We actually took time last year to tally the requests. If we'd donated something to every request we would of given away over $100,000.00 worth of glass just last year.
And stolen images of our work......
Oh and just because you bought something from us 5 years ago or 15 years ago doesn't mean you are our best friend and we're going to give you a discount or something for free this year.
And no....I don't want to hear about your cat.
(Float On wanders off to take a blood pressure pill while muttering to herself......)
Yes AmeliaJane, that's true. I need to just get over it - this kind of thing happens to anyone in a job like mine. For some reason I've had a really hard time adjusting to it and dealing with it. But I like your compassionate response - people want to build connections, they just don't always have the skills. I'll try to be nicer about it :)
Here's something funny - I HATE it when people hear something on the air that interested them, and then they have a question about it. So they email me and demand that I LOOK IT UP FOR THEM. OMG!!
What I really want to ask is: ARE YOUR FINGERS BROKEN? You've heard of the interwebs? Can you not google the frickin' thing yourself? And then I did the same thing to a friend of mine the other day. He's Norgwegian, and I had to pronounce a Norwegian name. Then I realized he wouldn't be able to help me because I can't hear him, and he wasn't sure how to type a transliteration. But he's super sweet, and he said he would look it up for me. And I felt terrible, because I realized I'd essentially asked him to do something I could have done myself! I apologized, and he said, No worries, I'm your friend, it's no trouble.
And I guess that's the difference. My friends give me leeway to be a jerk occasionally, and I give them the benefit of the doubt too, and it's all good because there's a relationship there. But these strangers who bombard me with demands and criticisms and requirements and instructions, and expect to be treated like I've known them all my life -- ! So unbelievably odd.
Thanks for your sympathetic response!
Part of this is just endemic to having a public face, I think (just read about the crazy letters Charles Dickens and Mark Twain got, or etiquette books from the 1940s and 1950s telling people NOT to ask for free advice from doctors and lawyers at parties) but I do believe the changes in our society over the last 15 years or so have made it considerably worse. Now that we are all connected via the Internet (and being connected is essential in so many fields), the filters are gone. Also, as our society becomes more individualistic, many have come to feel they have to advocate for themselves to succeed (true) and success depends on building connections (very often true) but they have not developed the social skills or appropriate expectations to go with it.
"And No, I Don't Want to Hear About Your Cat."
That's the BEST BOOK TITLE EVER! You've got to write it, Float On! lol :))))
Agh!
we've dealt with stalkers. I can't have a blog anymore due to DH having a few stalkers.
Everyone wants everything for free.
The requests to donate our art to 'the most important worthy cause' art auction come in daily. We actually took time last year to tally the requests. If we'd donated something to every request we would of given away over $100,000.00 worth of glass just last year.
And stolen images of our work......
Oh and just because you bought something from us 5 years ago or 15 years ago doesn't mean you are our best friend and we're going to give you a discount or something for free this year.
And no....I don't want to hear about your cat.
(Float On wanders off to take a blood pressure pill while muttering to herself......)
I've often thought that there's something simply wrong about a person's disembodied voice being sent right inside your ear, or whispering to you at night.
Reminds me of that old movie Play Misty for Me.
Ha ha, yeah, Clint Eastwood and Jessica Walter. I never liked her young, but I thought she was SO great in Arrested Development :)
Reminds me of that old movie Play Misty for Me.
Yeah, I was thinking of that movie, too, but I was already late this morning.
Reading through all of the responses, I just have to address what I was reluctant to mention this morning. It is about our personal safety. If you are in the public arena, in any degree, all of the responses here validate how that can develop into an unsafe situation when certain people become enamoured of you in some way.
I have only been stalked once in my life, but it was enough. By extension, because of her relationship to me, my daughter had that happen to her, as well. We were at a family party not long after that was finally resolved, and one of the in-laws said how exciting that was, to have someone so attracted to you that he would actually follow you around. The rest of us just stared at her, dumbfounded. I also had the experience, after leaving work very late one night, of being confronted by one of my customers who insisted on kissing me. I deflected him, made a dash to my car and called the police.
The point here is to not be reluctant to get the authorities involved. Filing a report with the police can remain a confidential matter; at least that is my experience. We all want to play nice, even when the other party has no boundaries, and keeping those records, that documentation is essential if for no other reason than peace of mind, but it is not in our best interest to keep this kind of thing to ourselves. At least contact your local police department, talk to a detective with some experience in these kinds of matters and take that person's advice. Really.
And, I have forgotten the other things I wanted to share, clearly indicating that they were not all that interesting or useful. :)
I had the same problems working on a newspaper. Wackos were responding to my articles, sometimes in person. It actually made me quit journalism because I realized I was WAY too private a person for that.
But I can't just tell people to stuff it, can I?
What you're needing is to learn how to set appropriate, firm, flexible boundaries. It's a skill, and can absolutely be learned. I would strongly recommend finding a therapist who can coach you, and help you work through anything that might come up as you learn to assert yourself in kind and effective ways.
.....but they seem to feel that getting any kind of pleasant response from me along the lines of, "So glad you like the music, please stay tuned" is a green light to start sending me novels about their personal lives.
Just remember your post here, about your personal life, is six whopping screens long.
If you spot, you got it.
Thanks Redfox! I saw a therapist for 14 months or so, and it took me some time to realize that particular situation wasn't productive. He kept defending other people in my life - telling me I wasn't responding appropriately to them, or that I was too sensitive and judgmental. Not super helpful.
So what you're saying here, that I need someone who can teach me how to set boundaries (firm and flexible, I like that) really clarifies what I was missing in my previous therapist. That will help a lot in my search for a better one :)
What you're needing is to learn how to set appropriate, firm, flexible boundaries. It's a skill, and can absolutely be learned. I would strongly recommend finding a therapist who can coach you, and help you work through anything that might come up as you learn to assert yourself in kind and effective ways.
Yes, but I don't burden the listeners where I work with my personal problems. That's what YOU GUYS are for ;)
Receiving novel-sized letters from strangers about intimate details of their lives isn't really part of what I'm supposed to be doing at my job. But here on a public forum, discussion about ourselves is what's on tap. So I figured it was okay to go into detail.
Plus, I'm a frustrated novelist ;)
Just remember your post here, about your personal life, is six whopping screens long.
If you spot, you got it.
Hi Juds,
Thanks for your concern about this. I appreciate your understanding of that! I told my immediate manager about the hostile weirdo after the first five or six strange emails from him. He basically said, "Sorry, there's nothing I can do. " His reaction left me pretty much aghast. After a couple of weeks, word of it must have gotten to his boss, because suddenly there was a new show of apparent concern. "We'll do whatever we can to protect you. Of course, we can't prevent someone just coming in here and shooting people up. But we'll take reasonable precautions." lol!
So they've done a few things - at the last appearance I did at an arts fair, they introduced me to the security guy, and I was supposed to call him if something went wrong, but it wasn't like he was standing there the whole time. They said they would have liked to provide me with personal security that day, but they couldn't afford it. (Not even for a day. Sheesh!)
I think it might have occurred to somebody in upper management here that the station might be open to liability if something were to happen to me at a station event. I mean I don't know for sure, and nobody seems to want to discuss it with me, but they've scaled way back on my appearances lately and the other hosts are taking them on. (Of course, the other hosts are open to being targets as well, but since they're guys, I guess the mindset is they're somehow safer.)
It just amazes me that a radio station wouldn't have a policy in place for this kind of thing - especially since every single radio person I've ever worked with has had a stalker experience of greater or lesser seriousness.
So yes, I'm documenting everything the guy sends me. Ready to start the old police file if it gets hairy.
Another thing - I do know a bit about stalking and how frightening it is. I was stalked for twenty years by a whackjob I met in college, who used to pose as a student and ask people where the chess club was. He would have his friends take pictures of me, and then he'd send them to me all shredded up. Once he put a blood-covered letter in our mailbox where I lived with my parents. He constantly broke into my car and left me cds and books and cryptic notes. He sent me a note saying he was going to kill himself, and he wanted to take me to heaven too. I tried everything - pleaded with his parents (who never responded), contacted women's support groups, even begged his employers to try to rein him in. Nothing worked, so I went to court and found a wonderful pro bono lawyer who said he'd take me on.
So - I did actually win a big victory, the first lifetime permanent restraining order against a person that was ever awarded. (I'm in the Lexis-Nexis database, yee-haw). It turned out to be a victory on paper mostly, because the restraining order wasn't enforceable locally for some reason. By that time I was just done. I wasn't going to give the guy any more energy. I just dropped the whole thing. He continued to threaten me, and never stopped - until I got married ten years later! That's what it took in the end for the guy!
Anyway, I appreciate your taking this so seriously. It really is serious, and I know that. I joke about it, but it takes an unconscious toll on me daily. I will be vigilant, and thanks for your support, Juds!
The point here is to not be reluctant to get the authorities involved. Filing a report with the police can remain a confidential matter; at least that is my experience. We all want to play nice, even when the other party has no boundaries, and keeping those records, that documentation is essential if for no other reason than peace of mind, but it is not in our best interest to keep this kind of thing to ourselves. At least contact your local police department, talk to a detective with some experience in these kinds of matters and take that person's advice. Really.
)
"And No, I Don't Want to Hear About Your Cat."
That's the BEST BOOK TITLE EVER! You've got to write it, Float On! lol :))))
I love that too. I've always liked a martha beck article I read once, called, "Yes, Yes, It Was Terrible. Now Please Shut Up."
Hang in there, kitten. I'm an introvert and so just the thought of being in the public eye makes me simultaneously shudder and feel deep respect for anybody who does it.
Perhaps you could develop a stock set of responses to emails you receive like this -- I have a file of boilerplate responses to all of the strange requests I get in my business. I can sit and fine-tune those so they're just the right mix of boundary-protection and compassion. That means that a response is just a quick cut-and-paste, and the person is out of my head without ever having really taken up any real estate. I'm finding it's much easier than letting them sit in my head and fester (what a jerk, who do they think they are, etc etc). They're in and out of there in less than a minute and my energy is then freed up for my craft.
Now in-person things.....yikes. Not as good at that. I went through years of stalking from an abusive ex-boyfriend (had to have security at my wedding to keep him from coming and committing suicide there, his threat) and I just had to follow the rules thoroughly: Lead with your (legal) fist, then no more responses except from the police.
Good luck, and thanks for the rant!!
Thanks Puglogic! Boilerplate response - in and out of there. Buh-bye! I like that :)
I was a creative kid with extrovert parents, who didn't at all appreciate the fact that I needed alone time. I fell for their guilt-inducing criticisms and internalized them. I became a pleaser, and it made adult life difficult.
As I get older I feel it's so very important to make sure I'm doing what I want to do. When anyone pops up these days with a random demand for my time, I'm looking at it with a calculating eye. I have to get something out of it, or it has to be meaningful for me, or just something I want to do. Otherwise, not gonna happen! It sounds cold, but I simply can't get anything done that's important to me without doing that kind of math on a daily basis.
I love that too. I've always liked a martha beck article I read once, called, "Yes, Yes, It Was Terrible. Now Please Shut Up."
Hang in there, kitten. I'm an introvert and so just the thought of being in the public eye makes me simultaneously shudder and feel deep respect for anybody who does it.
Perhaps you could develop a stock set of responses to emails you receive like this -- I have a file of boilerplate responses to all of the strange requests I get in my business. I can sit and fine-tune those so they're just the right mix of boundary-protection and compassion. That means that a response is just a quick cut-and-paste, and the person is out of my head without ever having really taken up any real estate. I'm finding it's much easier than letting them sit in my head and fester (what a jerk, who do they think they are, etc etc). They're in and out of there in less than a minute and my energy is then freed up for my craft.
Now in-person things.....yikes. Not as good at that. I went through years of stalking from an abusive ex-boyfriend (had to have security at my wedding to keep him from coming and committing suicide there, his threat) and I just had to follow the rules thoroughly: Lead with your (legal) fist, then no more responses except from the police.
Good luck, and thanks for the rant!!
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