View Full Version : My husband has no friends
He's retired. He only moved to this area 5 years ago and we married 3 years ago. The only couples we ever see are my relatives (in-laws, siblings, cousins, etc.) and he's not close with any of them. I have a small number of "girlfriends," but we don't get together with our spouses; we're former coworkers.
He has volunteered for some time for an agency who is hiring him as a part-time employee. Yesterday he brought home the packet of paperwork to fill out, and they asked for three personal references, (non-related). He ended up only listing one---he honestly couldn't come up with any more.
I guess---he says--it doesn't matter to him, but it made me feel kind of bad for him. I'm wondering if that's just the way guys are sometimes. My first husband had quite a few guy friends, but we were young then. I doubt if he sees any of them anymore.
Any input from guys here?
Well, I'm not a guy, but I don't have any friends either. Some of us just don't seem to need them. Maybe he's just that kind of person?
I don't have any friends either, not in the sense of friends when I was younger. My closest contacts now are merely acquaintances.
I wouldn't feel bad for him unless he desperately wants close friends. If he's anything like me, his very best friend (you) is all he needs.
Well, if you were pressed to list non-related personal references, who would you use? I guess that's more what I should have asked. I realize not everyone has friends.
My friend's husband had that happen for his federal job; he was about 60, so he just listed me and it was fine.
Well, if you were pressed to list non-related personal references, who would you use? Professional acquaintances.
Volunteer activity acquaintances, sport contacts, librarians, church contacts. Many people have just the superficial friends that one greets with warmth but it doesn't extend to social get-togethers. It is hard to organize social friends when one moves into a new area or stage of life. Retirees are often hit hard as their longterm friends were coworkers but oncer retired they move elsewhere or those still working don't have much to talk about with the retirees. It is something one needs to plan ahead.
I could come up with three references--barely. But they'd all be non-local. I have very few friends or acquaintances, and those friends I have, I've had for decades. Believe him when he says he doesn't feel the lack. Not everyone is a social butterfly--or socially promiscuous, as I sometimes think of it. A lot of us find our internal dialogues--or monologues--entertainment enough.
Well, if you were pressed to list non-related personal references, who would you use? I guess that's more what I should have asked. I realize not everyone has friends.
Neighbors?
This all sounds familiar. We have relocated and I am itching to get out, do stuff and make new friends. DH seems content to just be and will read for hours on end or putter. It makes me sad that he doesn't want to look for other companionship. It's a pretty common theme in retirement I think, especially for males.
ToomuchStuff
2-9-17, 10:36am
When we are young, we run together as a group more. As guys we tended to both grow apart and be at different points as most of my friends were older. I was turning 18 when they were turning 21. When I was turning 21, most were having kids/renting etc. At 22, I was the second one to buy a home and that floored several of them. At around 25, several were moving away, due to jobs/careers and such. Since that time, normally if I get together with someone, it is because help is needed, moving or building something. "Friends" now, are more acquaintances/coworkers, etc. I am the one out of the group who isn't on FB, so I am not in touch with any of the old gang now.
I ran into someone that when we were young, there were three of us that ran together and that was my main group of friends. The two of them had been friends longer (since early childhood), I came into the group at around 10. I had not seen either since 18, when one was going off to join the military and self destructed that (started into drugs before drug testing). His family was always opposites (cop father, drug/alcoholic mother). The other lived in a different area, so I didn't see him as often. They had a falling out as the self destructive one, accused his buddy of sleeping with his wife and ruining his marriage. Haven't seen the other. Life just leads us to different circles.
I have only two people in the immediate area whom I consider to be intimate friends, and I don't even see them all that often. Also a few relatives, whom I like but also don't see often. Right now, I'm probably more socially isolated than I've ever been. It's my own fault, since for years I have not made much of an effort. I've always been something of a loner by nature, and for a long time my relative lack of social contact didn't bother me much. Lately, though, it has started to, and so I might start to do something about it. With retirement on the horizon in a year or two, I'm going to need to form more relationships outside the workplace.
I do think there's a gender difference here. For the most part, I think men don't feel the lack of day-to-day social contact the way women do. Your DH may be telling the truth when he says not having a lot of friends doesn't bother him.
ApatheticNoMore
2-9-17, 1:05pm
Who has time to have friends? Oh it really seems that way, maybe when one is retired one has time for friends but not until then.
Workplace friendship? That's more acquaintanceship most of the time. The average time spent at a workplace seems maybe 5 years or less, and "friends" made at one workplace seldom remain friends after they, or you, or both have moved on to the next job. Sure one can see the theoretical advantages to having more people in one's life that aren't work people etc., but fighting time crunch and exhaustion, it's difficult enough that it's pretty obvious why it often doesn't happen.
Most of my friends and acquaintances I've made through volunteering - a group of us do more socially outside of that. If you defined friends as "people who would gladly help you move, and would ask you to help them to move", I have a sphere of friends. :-)
It is tricky building community, it takes effort and time, and I think more so as you get older.
This all sounds familiar. We have relocated and I am itching to get out, do stuff and make new friends. DH seems content to just be and will read for hours on end or putter. It makes me sad that he doesn't want to look for other companionship. It's a pretty common theme in retirement I think, especially for males.
Why should it make you sad? He's obviously perfectly content. I read that as condescending, to be honest. But then, reading and puttering sound pretty engaging to me.
I felt bad for my DH mostly because he seemed really perplexed that he couldn't think of one person to list. It kind of made him stop and think. But I wouldn't have classified him as pathetic, so I didn't feel sad for him exactly.
Why should it make you sad?
We have been together since the age of 20 so it is sometimes hard to "separate" the two of us as individuals with different needs. I guess too because his father did the same thing after retiring and turned into someone who got up every morning and sat in a LaZBoy most of the day with no other friends or interests but TV. I am concerned that his physical and mental health will decline quickly by not trying new things and being a bit more physical. I guess it is condescending not to understand folk who don't want to get out and learn/do new things since I am just wired that way.
Pinkytoe and Kay, neither of you is condescending, etc. When you care for another it is wise to explore options when in new situations or life changes. You will do some things differently than in the past and sometimes, our partners have not had the experience of searching out new social situations so feel uncertain doing so. My late DH was one. I offered to go with him to a local coffee club of the neighbours nearby to give him support. I could see the introvert in him struggle to step outside his comfort zone but ultimately he decided not to do so. I went ahead and joined some other groups that met my interests. He admired that ability to do so but he had never done this before and just couldn't.
Once before, in a new situation, he met a really boisterous extrovert who pulled him out of his comfort zone and got him cycling long distance and trying archery for the first time. He loved it! Those boisterous extroverts are rare beings though and hard to find.
Most of my friends and acquaintances I've made through volunteering - a group of us do more socially outside of that. If you defined friends as "people who would gladly help you move, and would ask you to help them to move", I have a sphere of friends. :-)
It is tricky building community, it takes effort and time, and I think more so as you get older.
I've found that to be the case as well. I've got maybe 8-10 really good non-family friends, and I think they pretty much all came from my school days, military service or volunteer work. I'm not sure why that would be.
When people describe others' life choices as "sad," it seems to imply a certain moral (or in this case, social) superiority. As an introvert, I don't see solitude as in any way pathetic, but I suppose it would seem that way as seen through an extroverted lens. I don't understand my SO's choice to socialize with everybody and anybody ("never met a stranger," that's him)--I'd much rather read a book--or frankly, stare off into space--by myself. I guess I could say it's sad that he doesn't enjoy his own company or doesn't know how to entertain himself, but that would be an unfair assessment.
Teacher Terry
2-10-17, 5:31pm
Most men don't seem to have a lot of friends as they age and especially if they have a partner. I don't think they need it as much as women do. It is a little strange that he didn't have enough people he knew for references though.
ApatheticNoMore
2-10-17, 6:21pm
lots of generalizations about men and women floating around these days as well, almost none of which really seem to have any truth to them to me (I was born a female, I will die a female, but I don't relate to this culture's stereotypes of women at all). I mean there may be some generalizations with truth, I don't know, but women are said to be more social (not necessarily), more chatty (not necessarily), need to share their feelings more (not necessarily), more emotional (not necessarily) etc.. I suspect it might be easier to make friends as a woman though, perhaps because it's more strongly socially encouraged!
Mostly I see it as desirable to have more friends (than none anyway :) - or than just a partner), but a lot of desirable things are hard to do in the hustle and bustle and crazy that is life unless they are absolutely prioritized, because let's face it a lot of things are desirable, but no one has time for everything that might be desirable to do ...
So sure the studies that show having a better social network are good for a person are likely accurate, but that doesn't mean it's experienced at the level of a need ("need it as much as women do") or a feeling ("feel the lack of day-to-day social contact the way women do") regardless of plumbing. So yes he'd probably be better off with more friends, in many ways, in terms of well being etc.. But it's not an absolute need.
I don't have as much time to try to make friends since I met my bf a bit over a year ago. And yes when I was trying to I made some friends, but adult friendships seemed to peter out all the time - so it was actually a continual process, it's almost akin to cleaning, it's never actually done for good but always being redone, always continually having to meet NEW people just to have friends, as adult friendships don't last. So is it ideal to have less time for friends? No, it's not. I see my bf, I keep in touch with my birth family and visit them at least once a week, and often even that is a strain on the limits of what I can do.
I have been reading this and wondering about it. I don't seem to have a lot of friends, and if I was not working for awhile I would have a hard time putting down a reference. However I ignored a red flag with a person I hired a year ago. He had lots of enthusiasm however his last supervisor did not respond to any reference check calls I made and the one person I was able to reach hardly knew him and seemed surprised I called (always warn people that you are putting them down!). I may love a candidate however I will not hire without solid positive references again.
Other than that I don't think things are wrong with someone with few friends, but I would be concerned if he was showing signs of depression or other issues.
lots of generalizations about men and women floating around these days as well, almost none of which really seem to have any truth to them to me (I was born a female, I will die a female, but I don't relate to this culture's stereotypes of women at all). I mean there may be some generalizations with truth, I don't know, but women are said to be more social (not necessarily), more chatty (not necessarily), need to share their feelings more (not necessarily), more emotional (not necessarily) etc.. I suspect it might be easier to make friends as a woman though, perhaps because it's more strongly socially encouraged! ...
Neither do I, and I never have, and all those characteristics you listed passed me by--along with constantly looking for outside validation and a tendency to talk more about other people and less about things that matter. Stereotypes are just rough shorthand and have only limited usefulness, if any.
goldensmom
2-11-17, 11:01am
My husband has one friend besides me and when I mention it to him he looks bewildered and says 'I have you'. He's satisfied so I let it go. I have a couple of friends besides my husband (I had lots of friends before we married) but I am satisfied with the way things are. When I was single I was good friends with a married women whose husband said he was glad his wife had a single friend like me because he didn't have to be friends with my husband. Differs with different people.
I think I sounded like we are somewhat isolated so I should add that we have many acquaintances through the church we attend, a spiritual/social circle, a church family but although we have many acquaintances I hesitate to refer to the many as friends. Each of us would be and have been there for the other in times of need.
iris lilies
2-11-17, 11:15am
Both of us, DH and me, are more inteoverts than extroverts. But we have several friends because we live in a village (a walkable neighborhood within the city) where we do lots of volunteer work. Thats how we meet people, through this work.
I will say that as we all get to retirement age, friends are moving out to warm weather places, the country, across the country. We will have to adjust. We will be left with a social circle, but will have to,work harder to maintain it. But that will be entirely up to us because the structure is here for us to have a good social circle.
Just within the past few years we gained cool neighbors across the street, 2 to 3 sets of people who bought $$$ new houses and who have chosen to live here and ALSO get involved in the community garden, house tours, safety patrol, etc.
When we first bought this house 26 years ago, there was a women's shelter across the street and they dumped dirty diapers and hypodermic needles on our grass. Things have improved bigly.
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