Being "real"

[fidgiegirl]

A former coworker of mine is an avid blogger and sometimes blogs about very private and sensitive subjects. In a recent post, she wrote this:

"For several years I have blogged almost everyday, if not every day. Hearing the click clack of the computer keys as my thoughts turn into words...some deep and painful, some light and humorous, some just factual. But they have all been ME.
My mission...yes, I have had a mission...in having this blog has been to be REAL.
The older I get, the more frustrated I get with how many people ARE NOT REAL. Is it b.c they are insecure? Or prideful? Or afraid of what others will think? Do they even realize they aren't real?"

She went on to blog about how something very bad happened recently but she wasn't going to share what it was and that she hoped this didn't make her less real to her readers. Well, gee, I don't think one has to divulge every aspect of life online to make you an honest/genuine person.

So that got me thinking, what is that? What does that mean?

I have often longed for a place where I can be 100% honest online, but have never found it. There is always the nagging feeling of being discovered. Would I love to blog about the funny things that happen at my work and my frustrations with the education system and the challenges we face? Sure. Would I want my parents from school to stumble upon that? No. Would I maybe lose my job over it? Yup. Does that make me less real?

I thought about exploring her comments directly in the blog itself, and decided not to. Maybe that in itself makes me less "real." But the post was really about the mystery bad thing, not about the real-ness, so any comments on that aspect of her post felt misplaced.

I strive to be an authentic person but sometimes I am sure I fail. I try to be genuinely interested in people and listen to them. If I'm not, I don't pretend to be (within reason! I get ensnared in a lot of small talk at my job!).

But what does keep people from expressing their true thoughts, opinions, feelings, emotions with others?

It reminded me of the thread that Shalom Poet started a few weeks ago where several people commented that it's hard to form friendships when basically no one is interested in anyone else - I think that's become kind of a protection mechanism for myself, anyway. I am basically convinced that beyond niceties, people aren't even that interested. Even my family! So I don't really offer, and no one really asks. And that's even probably not true - people probably ARE interested.

Well, anyway, some musings. Kind of random, but kind of troubling me. I am not sure what the "real" thing means but quite sure that a lot of the time, I am not being so with other people, or do I really even need to be? Why is it even desirable?

[loosechickens]

oh, I think "real" has just become one of those buzzwords that people use. Maybe they mean "authentic", and I would take it that a person who isn't "real" is a person with pretensions, who has a need to brag, or to get attention centered on themselves all the time, but I don't think people have to "let it all hang out" in order to be either authentic OR "real".

I tend to pretty much let it all hang out and say whatever I think, but I also am retirement age, not dependent on a job, or whether a boss or coworkers might be affected by my opinions, etc. It's like being a nudist. I'm certainly open about it, but I have a friend who is a nudist who teaches in an elementary school with a large percentage of fundamentalist Christian families, and she is quite paranoid about not telling people she is a nudist because of fears that if her student's parents heard about it, they would have an erroneous idea about it being immoral, somehow, (which it isn't in any way), and she might lose her job. So in that case, discretion may well be the better part of valor, and I don't blame her for shielding her privacy in this regard.

I'd say not to even worry about it.....share what you want to share, keep to yourself what you want to keep to yourself, and not give it another thought...... ;-)

[Gina]

There is a different recipe for paella for every person in Spain. There will be a different definition for personal reality for each of us. I don't know if being real, or being authentic, or being one's true self are the same thing, but if they are, total openness about everything might be her reality, but not yours or mine. I know it's not mine - I am far more comfortable being somewhat cautious about what I express in public.

I think most people appreciate personal censors - as in not blurting out everything that crosses through our minds. Our brains are wonderfully creative and many thoughts pass through them about all manner of things - many of which are better not seeing the light of day (or other people's ears). I'm not saying there are bad thoughts or the like, but often thoughts are just thoughts without content. Or sometimes the first thing we think about something might not be what we think after further appraisal. So if we are being real, what thoughts do we express? The first, the last, or all of them? Or none at all? That's for each of us to decide. There is no 'one size fits all' reality.

What being authentic human means to me: Accepting and honoring myself just as I am, both body and mind, strengths and weaknesses, and not being critical/negative of anything about myself. This does not mean improvement is off the table. Being kind and considerate to others when it does not harm me. Honoring myself and my own needs when they do not hurt others. Speaking my mind when I think it's appropriate and/or helpful. Not being a doormat or pushover. Saying 'no' when I want to say 'no'. Not putting up a front or perfect persona that I think others would prefer to see. Being relatively consistent and dependable. Knowing that I count - that my opinions matter. That making mistakes is no big deal. Being me the person, not being what I do, what I know, what I own, what I look like.

Just a bit of stream of consciousness - or however that's spelled. ;)

[iris lily]

fidgie, interesting post. Interesting responses. Who we are online is important for those of us who spend a lot of time online!

[redfox]

IMHO, 'being real' is simply being oneself in the moment, and communicating as much or as little as one wishes in the moment. Boundaries are a good thing to have, and respecting boundaries is also good.

Different cultures value connecting and sharing differently too. I was just at en event with an old friend from grad school. He was a child who survived a flotilla of boats escaping Vietnam, and was raised here by his Vietnamese family. He incorporates both traditional modesty and a unique American openness and personal warmth with his disclosures. Seeing him reminded me of the cultural differences that abound, as well as personal preferences, class and age differences, etc. Ultimately, who am I to decide if someone else is being 'real'?

[Zoebird]

one can be real and authentic, but still maintain certain privacy boundaries. why not?

[Rosemary]

Being real does not mean sharing everything with everyone.
I, for instance, am a very private person, have always been. It would be completely inauthentic for me to blog about my personal life online.

[fidgiegirl]

fidgie, interesting post. Interesting responses. Who we are online is important for those of us who spend a lot of time online!

This is another thing I have been ruminating on lately. Why do I feel I can be more myself here on these boards than in other places? Maybe because everyone likes to be around people of similar thought patterns? Maybe because unconventional is embraced rather than eye-rolled?

I have a handful of people online in different venues that I feel closer with than some of my friends, or at least who have had more of an impact on my life. I can point to several instances where an individual online that I have never met, or a collective of people like on SLN, supported me more than my real-life peeps or made more of an impact on a given decision or process.

For example, right now on Spark People there are two ladies who are tireless in cheering me on. No matter how many times I drop off that site and show up again, no matter what excuses I make, they are there ready to encourage any baby step. And one of them gave me a NO EXCUSES last night, and it meant a lot. Like, it was a wake up call because she has never called me out and if she is ready to, well then I've been tricking myself (but not them ;) ) with a lot of B.S. as to why I "can't" lose weight.

[Stella]

I totally agree that being "real" doesn't mean sharing everything. I also see "real" as a buzzword. I like the words genuine and sincere.


But what does keep people from expressing their true thoughts, opinions, feelings, emotions with others?



In some cases I don't share my personal thoughts or opinions on matters because it doesn't feel safe to. When it comes to politics, for example, very few people know where I stand. I know a lot of people who state their thoughts and opinions in terms of "this is what is right and anyone who doesn't agree with me is an idiot or evil". While I don't so much care if they think I am an idiot or evil, I have better things to do than argue with people. Discussion, sure. I love that, but mudslinging isn't fun. Most issues aren't a simple A or B multiple choice question, but a lot more nuanced. Sometimes I'll ask questions of them to find out the nuances of their thoughts on the matter and share some of the finer points of what I believe until we can get a clearer picture. Sometimes I just don't have time for that and move on with my day. :)

Another case where I may not share my opinions, thoughts or emotions is when it is unhelpful or inappropriate. Emotions, in particular, are often passing. Maybe I'm pissed about something now, but I know it's really my problem. Instead of dumping on some poor unsuspecting person, I think it's better to work out what's bothering me in private. If, after careful consideration, I feel there might be something to be gained from sharing that with someone else, I will, but usually after a nap or a hot bath it's not as big a deal as I thought it was.

Another case is when the person I'm talking to isn't ready to hear what I have to say. I visited my friend who attempted suicide in the hospital yesterday. There were a lot of things I want to say to her, but almost all of them can wait and some of them probably never need to be said. What she needs right now is someone to tell her they love her and that she matters.

Also, if sharing an opinion or emotion is gossipy and could harm another's reputation, I try not to do it.

I think that by holding back every thought and opinion, you can be a more genuine person than you might be if you said everything that came into your mind. My grandma is one of those people who, by her own admission, struggles with her mouth filter. People get a false impression of her sometimes because she speaks before she thinks.

[reader99]

"For several years I have blogged almost everyday, if not every day. Hearing the click clack of the computer keys as my thoughts turn into words...some deep and painful, some light and humorous, some just factual. But they have all been ME.
My mission...yes, I have had a mission...in having this blog has been to be REAL.
The older I get, the more frustrated I get with how many people ARE NOT REAL. Is it b.c they are insecure? Or prideful? Or afraid of what others will think? Do they even realize they aren't real?"

I have to wonder why she cares enough to be frustrated by how others chose to present themselves. Why is "realness" assumed to be the highest value and should be the goal of all? Maybe the people she knows are REALly insecure, REALly prideful, or REALLY none of her business?

Personally I'm on an inner quest for authenticity. At the same time it had not occurred to me until now to even think other people "should" do the same. There's no reason they should, really.

[catherine]

Being "real" is having an attitude of sincerity--of your words and actions meaning and exemplifying what they are saying. Substance over style. Not sucking up to any one person, group of people, or ideal. Just having purity of heart. That's what I think, anyway.

I have a blog, but I certainly don't feel a responsibility to divulge EVERYTHING in the name of authenticity. You can discern what you communicate as well as how to communicate. Can you imagine Mother Teresa blogging "oh, man, I'm getting so sick of all these poor people! Give me a break!"

She may have had those thoughts from time to time, but because she didn't broadcast them doesn't make her less real or sincere. I think that a belief that we owe our deepest thoughts to the world is just faulty, and shows a lack of discernment--a lack of ability to share what may be helpful and no more. But overall, I think we suffer from TMI, and I have no interest in hearing about the bad thing that happened to that blogger if she doesn't think she should share it. I totally respect that, and it certainly makes her no less real.

My "real" stream-of-consciousness stuff never goes into my blog. It goes into my personal and private journal.

[bagelgirl]

These are all very interesting and very valid responses. My initial reaction about the original post was that this is somewhat of a generational thing. I, too, am a young retired, and I feel like I came from a generation where more of our private life was kept private. I have no interest in knowing every tiny aspect of some stranger's life. Who does? I wonder how interesting her blog could possibly be. Self absorption drives me a little nuts.

I do have to laugh because self absorption when I was young meant someone had to corner you and wear out your ear. Now it can mean you start a blog.

[fidgiegirl]

Well, I wouldn't say she is self-absorbed, and I really do enjoy reading her blog. She shares a lot about her faith journey and I find that very interesting. This one just struck me. A lot of people, me included, take a more "teaching" tone in their blogs, and I'm not sure I like that, either. I mean, why am I some big expert in whatever I'm writing about? But I am growing into this blogging business, too - and sometimes I think I am overly afraid to let people see in. Like, I was terrified that someone at my work might see my blog posts about being interested - interested - not moving forward, not selling the farm, just interested in the idea of starting my own business because I thought they might gossip that I wasn't happy at my job (not true). So then I didn't really write about it when that might have helped me think through something and even might have helped someone else.

[mira]

I think my thoughts conflict somewhat with your blogger friend's. As I get older, I find myself less willing to judge others on how they should be - real, insincere or otherwise. This doesn't mean I never judge, but I do try and keep myself conscious of why people might be behaving the way they are. Understanding reasons and motivations is more important than the actions in many cases.

[mattj]

People are complicated. If you are reasonably satisfied with your life and not hurting anyone carry on. Artistic types, and she sounds like one, often get married to the idea of taking off the "masks" people wear in everyday life. If we aren't careful we can substitute the tortured artist mask for all the others and become dogmatically convinced that our mask is the one true absence of mask that everyon else should have. I had a hard time with this until I realized I was wearing very different masks at PTA meetings and in the bedroom. I think both audiences appreciated my consideration.