Meet The Parents II

[catherine]

ETA: The title is wrong. Can't change it. Meant to put "Meet the Parents II"

Geez. The hardest part of having 4 kids is not when they're children: it's when they are about to embark on nearly irrevocable decisions regarding relationships.

Kid #2: We are all about his life partner. Two thumbs up all the way. No question. No drama. Check.

Kid #3: We just met her this weekend and we love her. Two thumbs up. No drama. Check.

Kid #1: If you recall, he had a very dramatic transition to marriage. He broke up with one long-time girlfriend, only to meet, marry, and impregnate another girl within 3 months. We had no time to get to know her, and were further troubled by her very tragic story of a suicide by her ex-husband. Update: my concerns were unfounded. They are a very good couple. I really like her a lot--she's an awesome mother. Just a purely instinctive good mother. Good wife, too. My son adores her.

Kid #4: My daughter who LIVES the show The Bachelorette. She broke up with a bf we LOVED, and I posted about my grief over losing my "son." She went out for 2 years after that with someone who is fine. But she broke up with him and is now being "courted" by no less than 5 guys. I can't keep up. So she's interested in one guy who actually just broke up with his live-in gf to develop a relationship with my DD. So that's pressure on DD right off the bat. I asked her for his full name so I could google him. I was totally upfront about it.. why not? If I could hire a private investigator I would, but I don't have to because we have the internet. She laughed and gave me his linkedin profile. I don't like looking at LinkedIn profiles because they tell the person that you were looking at them.

So I just googled. And what did I get? A mug shot!! Four years ago, the guy was arrested with a friend for "tagging" a vintage subway car in a major city. On one hand, it's graffiti--not violence or robbery. OTOH, it was only 4 years ago. What was in his head? What was his motivation? Does he have an attitude of disrespect and lawlessness in general, or was this a youthful indiscretion?

So DD asked if she could come this weekend and introduce him to us, not knowing what I found. Do I tell her? What do I do with this information? What would you do? It's a red flag. Otherwise the guy seems OK, has a job as a graphic designer, as does my daughter.

Argghh..

[lmerullo]

Are you absolutely certain mugshot guy and the bf are the same? My husband's family has repeated names so many times... could be some random dude with the same name, or a distant cousin.

Even if it is the same guy, I'd be upfront about it. I would bring it up when dd and bf are there in person, kind of like: "so, just looking out for my darling daughter, and I Google your name. What's the story?" See what the response is.

[Williamsmith]

I would not let google define this person. I would rely on your interpersonal skills and your ability to determine character and intent. Be careful of first impressions and try to reign in emotions. You interact every day with people whose past would probably shock you if you had the capacity to know. Thank God, we don't.

[frugal-one]

ETA: The title is wrong. Can't change it. Meant to put "Meet the Parents II"

Geez. The hardest part of having 4 kids is not when they're children: it's when they are about to embark on nearly irrevocable decisions regarding relationships.

Kid #2: We are all about his life partner. Two thumbs up all the way. No question. No drama. Check.

Kid #3: We just met her this weekend and we love her. Two thumbs up. No drama. Check.

Kid #1: If you recall, he had a very dramatic transition to marriage. He broke up with one long-time girlfriend, only to meet, marry, and impregnate another girl within 3 months. We had no time to get to know her, and were further troubled by her very tragic story of a suicide by her ex-husband. Update: my concerns were unfounded. They are a very good couple. I really like her a lot--she's an awesome mother. Just a purely instinctive good mother. Good wife, too. My son adores her.

Kid #4: My daughter who LIVES the show The Bachelorette. She broke up with a bf we LOVED, and I posted about my grief over losing my "son." She went out for 2 years after that with someone who is fine. But she broke up with him and is now being "courted" by no less than 5 guys. I can't keep up. So she's interested in one guy who actually just broke up with his live-in gf to develop a relationship with my DD. So that's pressure on DD right off the bat. I asked her for his full name so I could google him. I was totally upfront about it.. why not? If I could hire a private investigator I would, but I don't have to because we have the internet. She laughed and gave me his linkedin profile. I don't like looking at LinkedIn profiles because they tell the person that you were looking at them.

So I just googled. And what did I get? A mug shot!! Four years ago, the guy was arrested with a friend for "tagging" a vintage subway car in a major city. On one hand, it's graffiti--not violence or robbery. OTOH, it was only 4 years ago. What was in his head? What was his motivation? Does he have an attitude of disrespect and lawlessness in general, or was this a youthful indiscretion?

So DD asked if she could come this weekend and introduce him to us, not knowing what I found. Do I tell her? What do I do with this information? What would you do? It's a red flag. Otherwise the guy seems OK, has a job as a graphic designer, as does my daughter.

Argghh..

My first response is .... "bug out". I gather your daughter is an adult. You raised her and should trust her to make her own decisions and mistakes, if necessary. The more you interfere the more she will rebel IMO. ..my 2¢..

[Geila]

Relax, Catherine! :) Aren't your kids in their 30's? College-educated professionals? I think this is the stage where the relationship between mother/child is supposed to evolve into a more relaxed enjoyable friendship. I once read that women in particular seem to have a hard time distinguishing between a role and a relationship. Of course, I have no kids, so this is all theory. But it seems like a good idea. >8)

[catherine]

I get it. Yes, she's over 30, so I guess it's time for me to back off. I just feel that all relationships are a mine field, and as a mother I just want to help steer my DD if possible. Interestingly, I consider myself a hands-off parent--definitely not a helicopter parent. Maybe these few days off are providing me with "idle hands for the devil's workshop" as the nuns used to say.

Williamsmith, I'll definitely keep my mouth shut and trust my instincts--and my daughter's instincts. Geila and frugal-one, I'll back off. I'm not good at confrontation anyway. (lemrullo, it's definitely him in the mug shot.).

[iris lilies]

I edited title for you.

I wouldnt be terribly concerned with actions of the BF! Be open to what he is all about.

[Geila]

I do think having access to all this information is a mixed bag. It can make us obsessive about finding out stuff and then there's nothing for us to do with the info anyway. I think it feeds the 'monkey brain' that plagues us. I mean, tagging? Such a small thing. I would be more invested in paying attention when you meet him. People reveal themselves if we just pay attention. Just pay attention to how he treats your daughter. That's all that really matters anyway. The rest is for her to figure out.

On the issue of trying to protect her from making mistakes or from minefields. I believe that when we have issues to work out, they will have to be worked out, one way or another. You can't protect her from that. That's how life works. But you can enjoy a wonderful relationship with her no matter what.

[herbgeek]

If he's of a similar age to your daughter, then getting caught doing something like that when he's in his late 20s is rather suspect, in my opinion. That isn't "youthful indiscretion" of a teenager. But I'd still probably keep that to myself. Since you told your daughter you'd be checking his background, I would be very surprised that she hadn't already done the same, if only to know what kinds of things you might be seeing. :)

[Teacher Terry]

I would mind my own business. You don't want to give them anything to bond over against you. It never even occurred tome to google any of my kids partners, etc.

[catherine]

I edited title for you.

I wouldnt be terribly concerned with actions of the BF! Be open to what he is all about.

Thanks for the edit, IL.

I'll stop being a busybody and be grateful that I'll get to spend quality time with them IRL this weekend.

[Simplemind]

Thank God google didn't exist back in my day. My mom's attempts to inject her opinions into my relationships were never welcome and her endorsement of anyone left them dead in the driveway as far as I was concerned. Did I make mistakes? Of course but they were mine to make.

[catherine]

Thank God google didn't exist back in my day. My mom's attempts to inject her opinions into my relationships were never welcome and her endorsement of anyone left them dead in the driveway as far as I was concerned. Did I make mistakes? Of course but they were mine to make.

Honestly, I typically don't inject my opinion unless she asks, and then I try to be as unbiased as possible--despite how I've presented myself in this post.

[JaneV2.0]

Thank God google didn't exist back in my day. My mom's attempts to inject her opinions into my relationships were never welcome and her endorsement of anyone left them dead in the driveway as far as I was concerned. Did I make mistakes? Of course but they were mine to make.

Haha! My father long regretted putting his stamp of approval, or as he called it "the kiss of death" on "pre-med Dave." Parents are generally not the best judge of chemistry.

[Yppej]

My mom's attempts to inject her opinions into my relationships were never welcome.

My mother dropped huge hints in favor of two of my college classmates. The first married a woman, then decided he was gay and divorced her. The second married a woman and, knowing he had a fatal medical condition, fathered two children before dying in his 20's leaving her to raise them alone.

Not that I have done better on my own (I was grooving to Jody Watley's "I'm Looking For A New Love" on the drive home today) but yeah, don't meddle.

[catherine]

To be honest, even my stepfather telling me my mother cried herself to sleep every night over my dating my husband didn't deter me from dating him, and marrying him.

[Simplemind]

My mom and I didn't have a good relationship. I would have loved one but lets just say she had issues. I tried my best to stay out of the eye of Sauron but my friends were drawn to her charm like moths to the flame. She would say why don't you date so and so...."he is such a nice young man". The last thing I was interested in was a nice young man. She could never find a nice thing to say about anybody I dated or married. I did find out from several people after she died how much she loved my current husband. I was of course the last to know. Her belated endorsement has not soured our relationship.
Catherine I have no doubt you have a much better relationship with your kids.

[JaneV2.0]

Fortunately for all involved, my parents loved my SO--but they had grown wise, and didn't let on... :~) My father (who kept his emotional cards close to his chest) considered him a son.

"The last thing I was interested in was a nice young man." (Insert rolling on the floor emoji here) Likewise.

[saguaro]

My mother dropped huge hints in favor of two of my college classmates. The first married a woman, then decided he was gay and divorced her. The second married a woman and, knowing he had a fatal medical condition, fathered two children before dying in his 20's leaving her to raise them alone.

Just months before meeting DH, in my final semester of college, my mother dropped hints about a guy 25 years old, whose own mother took an interest that I might be a better match than the 15 year old he was dating. Not only that, his family had money! So much for the idea that "money wasn't everything" though I am not sure how aware my mom was about the 15 year old girlfriend or if she was, she didn't quite see it as quite the red flag that I did.

Incidentally, shortly after I totally nixed interest in this guy, a another friend and classmate of mine managed to catch him, thereby relieving his mother and getting the girlfriend out of the picture....for a while. Friend married him but within a couple of years, he had an affair with who else? The ex girlfriend.

[SteveinMN]

my mother dropped hints about a guy 25 years old, whose own mother took an interest that I might be a better match than the 15 year old he was dating.
Gotta say, I do not understand why a 25-year-old would be attracted to a 15-year-old. Jeez, when I was 17 I wasn't interested in 15-year-olds. At my current age, ten years is not a big difference. But at 25? Maybe I'm just weird that way.