View Full Version : Kid who wrecks stuff
My son wrecks stuff all the time; mostly his own stuff. He wrecks toys, clothes, school supplies, curtains, walls, you name it. We have always made his replace stuff he's wrecked with his own money, like if he breaks a bunch of pencils we make him buy new pencils, or if he tears up a shirt he has to buy a new one. That hasn't helped. To try to get him to be more responsible, I started putting half his allowance in the bank each week and he has to save that to buy his own clothes and school supplies from now on. (He's in 6th grade and gets $6/week allowance.) I hasn't helped; in the last week he has torn up almost all his underwear, a pair of jeans and a shirt. If we make him pay for everything from his allowance, he won't have anything left by the time he needs to buy school clothes and school supplies, so we're not sure what to do about the money part of it.
He has OCD and I think part of the reason he tears up clothes is that if he sees a loose thread or a little hole, he can't resist the urge to yank on it, or if a toy has a little bent or cracked part, he has to throw it away because he can't stand looking at the flaw. He doesn't get the whole cause and effect concept for some reason, or that there are consequences to his actions, even though we've been trying to teach him that for years.
It drives me crazy to have to pay money for stuff he wrecked. If it's toys or something like that, we don't replace it, but he actually needs clothes and I can't just make him do without to teach him a lesson. Any suggestions?
Thrift stores for his clothes?
If he has OCD, is this behavior something you have discussed with his doctor? Is it possible that some type of medication could help with this behavior? I'm not one for medicating kids (or adults) unnecessarily, but what you describe sounds severe enough in terms of destructive behavior that it might be worthy of consideration.
fidgiegirl
5-5-11, 10:19pm
Ooh, Kathy. Tough one. I have no advice. I thought maybe he could snip the threads or something? I suppose that's probably not a real viable alternative. Does he get services at or ourside of school for his OCD? Are there any coping skills that can be taught for this?
My son has OCD. He doesn't wreck his clothing but he does wash it alot. From what I understand OCD is a medical issue and needs to be treated as such. Is your son on some kind of meds?
Wow, sounds hard... on both of you. How old is he?
Would you consider "teaching him a lesson" if he had a broken leg and his cast kept whacking the furniture? It doesn't sound like his behavior is volitional... what does his pediatrician say?
I agree that this isn't really a lesson-learning, discipline problem. the best would be good treatment --medical and specialized psychological (perhaps with a form of occupational therapy component).
Good luck to you!
I've found that making elementary and even middle school kids give up allowance as a means of teaching them consequences doesn't always work as they don't understand money let alone lost opportunity costs.
Perhaps having do extra chores or take up a paper route to help pay for his stuff might help. Or something like that. How does having him give the offending item to you work?
Is he receiving treatment from a competent child psychiatrist? It's a hard way to live for everyone involved.
Oh Kathy, I have such sympathy and empathy for you! My son would do things like that too. And there didn't seem to be anything I could do that would impact him. We just lived in total frustration all the time. He always seemed to leave a path of destruction. I wish I had some good suggestions for you. Would it help to get him more physical activity? I'm not sure how old your son is, but I noticed with mine that his behavior would get worse around a growth spurt.
Does he sleep okay? (does he snore, have restless leg syndrome, etc.?) Have you read up on what foods to avoid?
I hesitate even giving you any suggestions, since I know you have tried just about everything. Like I've said before, our son outgrew alot of his craziness. He still has some problems, but he's really matured. It didn't seem to happen until he was about 20-21.
Can you add some activities that would replace his destructive ones? I forget what interests you said he had. Maybe really concentrate on providing him with more of those things??
Are you constantly angry with him? I've noticed that even though I was so angry with my son's behavior alot of the time, if I showed affection instead, it would help a bit. Its sort of like when you have a pet that's misbehaving. (please don't be offended at this analogy). If you can get them to need your love and approval, they care more about your reaction to their bad behavior. Punishing and yelling at them doesn't get the result you want.....but needing your approval might.
Hang in there Kathy. I know how frustrated and sad it can make you.
Part of the problem is things are made so cheap now days. My son goes thru socks like crazy, it only takes one day before they get holes in the heel. I bought him some socks from the Army Clothing Sales, same ones the soldiers wear, and I haven't seen one hole in them after 6 weeks. We've had toys we bought at the drug store (like a squirt gun) break on the drive back home. Things are just made so cheap, I wouldn't blame your son entirely, there shouldn't be so many flaws showing up to irk him in the first place.
We just had an appointment with his psychiatrist today and he is going to start on an OCD medication next week. I really hope that will help. I don't know exactly how much of the destructiveness is due to OCD; it seems like some of it is (like loose threads on clothes) but probably not all. He's 12 and going through puberty, so who knows how much of it is hormone related also. Sometimes he breaks things when he's angry, like when he gets frustrated with homework he'll break the pencil.
I agree that stuff is made so cheap and that can be part of the problem. There are so many pencils that can't be sharpened, they just keep breaking in the sharpener, and the erasers don't work at all, so naturally he breaks those and throws them out! He hated the fly on the underwear, which he said was uncomfortable because it feels like it's going to open and let stuff hang out. He told me that after wrecking a lot of underwear. So I sewed the fly shut on all the rest of his underwear and he said it was better, but since then he's torn up two more pairs and says he doesn't know why he did it. I'm just not sure how to deal with making him pay for stuff he wrecks, because it seems like if we just replace it like it's no big deal, he'll think it's no big deal if he wrecks it again.
Oh pencils are the worst!! My boys stopped using pencils and went to pens. I actually bought them a nice one that has the refills to give on their next birthday. I've searched high and low for good quality pencils and a descent pencil sharpener to boot. I've heard good things about Ticonderoga pencils, but only the ones made in China, not the ones made in Mexico. We have the ones made in Mexico (from Costco) and they are just as bad as the cheapie no-name pencils that kids get given to them. I also give my kids the Pentel Polymer erasers and tell them not to use the ones on the pencils. I can certainly understand his frustration with those pencils, I've had my kids crying over them, they are just trying to do their math but the pencil keeps breaking and breaking and breaking.
Kathy it sounds like he might also have some sensory issues. Children with those problems are irritated by seams in socks, loose threads and other odd things with their clothing.
We just had an appointment with his psychiatrist today and he is going to start on an OCD medication next week. I really hope that will help. I don't know exactly how much of the destructiveness is due to OCD; it seems like some of it is (like loose threads on clothes) but probably not all. He's 12 and going through puberty, so who knows how much of it is hormone related also. Sometimes he breaks things when he's angry, like when he gets frustrated with homework he'll break the pencil.
I agree that stuff is made so cheap and that can be part of the problem. There are so many pencils that can't be sharpened, they just keep breaking in the sharpener, and the erasers don't work at all, so naturally he breaks those and throws them out! He hated the fly on the underwear, which he said was uncomfortable because it feels like it's going to open and let stuff hang out. He told me that after wrecking a lot of underwear. So I sewed the fly shut on all the rest of his underwear and he said it was better, but since then he's torn up two more pairs and says he doesn't know why he did it. I'm just not sure how to deal with making him pay for stuff he wrecks, because it seems like if we just replace it like it's no big deal, he'll think it's no big deal if he wrecks it again.
What can he have that he can break? Kindling for a fireplace? I once set up an anger corner for a child who had been hurt badly, and she needed to flail at things... so we picked a corner into which she could fling all the pillows in the house as hard as she could, and then I'd cheer her on as she battered them until she stopped. It was awesome.
I would strongly encourage you not to require that he pay for things he breaks, because he has no control of this. Would you require a child in a wheelchair to pay for things they break as they learn how to manage their body? Your goal of holding him accountable for his behavior will be helped once he's on meds. Perhaps you could consult a therapist with a specialty in OCD about an appropriate behavioral program to set up along with the meds, to help him learn how he can control his physicality.
Please don't assume that he'll think replacing things is no big deal - I am quite sure he has so much in his mind, and feels shame and embarrassment about his lack of control, that none of this is no big deal to him. Non-volitional behavior is scary, and I imagine he's pretty frightened.
poetry_writer
5-6-11, 5:36pm
I had OCD symptoms as a child. Could you only give him a pair of underwear when he gets out of the shower with a gentle reminder that if he tears them up, he will have to go without undies till the next shower? I know that feel uncomfortable in your clothes is a rather common OCD symptom. My mom also had OCD and nothing felt "right" on her body. I would certainly check with your childs doc on any ideas as I am sure you are doing. An excellent book on OCD is called Brainlock. My prayers are with you, I know this is a toughie but I also know, from experience, that things can get better.
Here's to treatment! I hope you both find some relief.
No advice to share, only well wishes towards a happy ending.
Is it possible that your son would feel better in different underwear.....like boxers? Both my son and I have trouble with the sensation of certain types of material on our skin. Buying clothes for DS was a challenge, but I eventually just let him wear whatever he wanted to wear, since he knew what bothered him and what didn't.
He's really picky about undies and must have Fruit of the Loom ringer style boxer briefs!
I'm the considering the advice that some of you gave that I shouldn't make him pay for stuff like this since he can't help it. It's hard for me to imagine having ADHD or OCD and really not having control over what I do. I think what I might do is just buy more undies and keep them in the laundry room, then just use them to replace undies as necessary without saying anything about it.
I think that's a good idea Kathy. When my DS was at his worst, nothing seemed to work as far as punishment. He just didn't seem to make the connection.......or it just didn't matter to him. I know its really hard to know the best approach to take.
Like I said earlier, I know its hard.....and sometimes nearly impossible.........but keep showing him love and affection. That's what he'll remember the most.
Let us know how the medication goes. And one thing I've learned is that we are all different as far as meds go. If there are too many side-effects, back down on the dosage. I think alot of people give up on certain meds because their doctors think everyone needs the same dosage, and that's not true at all.
With my own ultra-sensitivity to things, I'm on a couple meds at a dosage that wouldn't even be noticeable to alot of people, but its the perfect dose for me.
Good luck Kathy!
Hi Kathy,
I have no personal experience but I've seen quite a few shows that have given people with OCD some relief by going through cognitive behavior therapy--basically, they work with a therapist to reduce their compulsions and many seem to find some relief (you can probably google it and watch some videos on it). It's probably especially difficult with him being a teenager because he may not be telling you the truth or may not be entirely in touch with why he does the things he does.
Good luck to both of you!!!!
I'll pile on to say that you really should find someone (psychologist or licensed social worker) in your area that specializes in exposure response therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. I know you're seeing a psychiatrist now but I can't stress how helpful a therapist will be over the long run as well.
Ask around, see if they're good, ask them about their process (we've seen plenty of psychologists who claim to specialize in CBT but don't). There may also be support groups and it may be worth going, at least to find a good provider. Make sure they specialize in children as well. They may suggest medication in conjunction with therapy but you'll need to see a psychiatrist for the actual prescription. Generally speaking, anti-depression medications also help combat OCD symptoms but CBT is likely a better long-term option.
Some books I could recommend, at least so you have a handle on OCD treatment, would be The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Bourne, Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder by Grayson, and Rewind, Replay, Repeat by Bell.
It's important to understand.... OCD often goes undiagnosed for far too long; it generally gets worse over time; people don't grow out of it but can greatly manage and control as they learn how to; and, most importantly, how others interact with the OCD matters (trivializing or validating aren't good).
Bump.
Hi Kathy WI, I've been missing you on the forum. Wondering how things are going related to your son and his destructive behaviour and if you have made any progress?
I've been busy lately and our internet was down for awhile. We're going to try to get counseling locally, because he's got so many issues it's ridiculous. Today he punched two pictures on the wall, breaking the glass. A few weeks ago he smashed the window in his bedroom because he was mad that lunch wasn't ready instantly, and now he complains that it's cold in his room. He just doesn't get the whole "cause and effect" concept at all. Lately he's just mean, angry and grouchy all the time, and he swears at us an insults us. Then when he gets sent to his room, he says we're so mean.
Oh my, Kathy, you have so much to deal with. I hope you can find the help you all need. ((((hugs))))
I'm saddened to hear of such. Hugs from me too, Kathy. P.S. Drop by for a visit when you can.
fidgiegirl
1-16-12, 12:00am
Kathy, sorry to hear this hasn't really improved :( I am reading the book "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene and perhaps you might find it useful. Big hugs for both of you. (((Kathy and DS)))
I can't remember Kathy, has he had a really good medical work-up? Have you tried gluten-free, etc., diets?
I'm hesitant to give any advice because these issues seem like something best left to doctors. I would agree that if it's OCD, and it sounds like there are other issues thrown in there, though I, of course, am a beekeeper and not a psychiatrist, it does not make sense to make him pay for his own stuff out of his allowance. In a way that seems like punishing him for who he is, for something about him over which he has no control. That certainly wouldn't help the anger issue and would probably create a greater sense of helplessness. I'd say pick one tiny behavior he may be able to change and reward him somehow each time he makes the change. It sounds as if he really needs some experience with "look, here is something you can do right!"
Congratulations, by the way, on getting your son to wear underwear. My son has steadfastly refused to wear it from a very early age. We used to have "underwear checks" when he was younger, but that made him so angry, we finally just gave up.
Originally posted by Pcooley.
We used to have "underwear checks" when he was younger, but that made him so angry, we finally just gave up.ROTFLMAO! This made me laugh. I remember my mom doing underpants checks on baby brother for a time, because baby brother would bath, then put on the same pair of dirty underpants again. Used to infuriate mom.
Don't underestimate the effects of food intolerances. Our son's behavior improved alot when he quit eating many carbs and sugar. Then again, maybe he just matured enough to realize that these things caused problems.
If he is not being treated already, I suggest that you take him to a psychologist who specializes in Exposure and Response Prevention, which is the empirically supported treatment for OCD. Check out the OC Foundation (http://www.ocfoundation.org/) website for more info.
I would think of ways for him to destroy things that need to be wrecked. Once when I was in his condition, I worked as a nursing aide and the head nurse asked me to tear up old nursing mags to take out all the articles pertinent to our ward's specialty. I didn't realize at the time that part of her purpose was to channel my anger in a productive way.
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