Entering An Interesting Phase of A Relationship-Dealing With Impending Job Loss

[SiouzQ.]

Not me, but my boyfriend. He is going to be laid off from his IT job on January 15. He had an interview last Friday and found out today he did not get the position and I can tell it's really thrown him for a loop. He felt that he had done very well, studied up on a LOT of technical stuff; he looked great with a new suit-coat, tie, shoes and the works. He is a very affable guy who exhudes self-confidence but he just stopped by on the way home from work very sad with a hang-dog face, his confidence blown. I kind of thought all week he was putting too much stock into this first (of probably) many, interviews. I think he will be fighting the age-discrimination problem, as he is almost 59 years old.

Financially, his position scares me. He is a total spend-thrift, and I have benefited from his largess all year. He has no qualms about spending money and doesn't really save for a rainy day. Try as I might, a little of my frugality has rubbed off on him here and there, but he has a lifetime of terrible spending habits. He literally came from nothing and pretty much pulled himself up by the boot straps to get where he is today - he makes good money for New Mexico (around 60k), which is three times what I make but doesn't have much to show for it. Luckily he has very little debt, two paid-off cars but is just getting out from under a bankruptcy and foreclosure. He has about $40,000 in a cashed-in retirement fund which I fear he will blow through pretty fast if he doesn't get a job right away. Sure, he'll get unemployment but unless he reigns in the spending he is going to end up blowing through that emergency fund fast. He is also a Type 1 diabetic (among other ailments) and even with health insurance his medical needs are very, very expensive.

I am just trying to figure out how I can be supportive _ I already told him he is NOT buying my meals and drinks out anymore but he is the kind of guy that insists on paying for my stuff even when I give him money for my share. I think that is his part of feeling like a man taking care of his lady and unfortunately, after being so independent for so long, I have fallen into the trap of expecting his generosity cause on my own I would never be eating out this much and spending money on whatever.

It's hard for me to hold my tongue sometimes - I look to see where he could save money but not so sure if my advice will be taken offense to. If I were him, starting like a month ago when he found out about this layoff I would only eat out once per week, I'd cut the twice-monthly cleaning person out (he likes to help out the less fortunate in our tiny community by giving them little jobs), I'd cook all my own food (I do cook for him a lot in trade for being taken out to dinners). I'd get super-organized with shopping trips to Santa Fe for supplies to cut out unnecessary driving, I'd buy stuff in bulk at the big stores instead of running to the local (expensive) store for emergency provisions; I'd make frugality a game. He does NOT think like us though, so it will be interesting to see how he deals with it. He has been unemployed before though, so what do I know. I only know what I would do in this situation.

Right now he is at his house, allowing himself to feel sorry for himself (his words). I'm giving him his space tonight.

[Yppej]

When I was unemployed I didn't eat out at all, but normally I don't anyways. It's interesting how "only" eating out once a week is seen as a sacrifice. When I was a child our family went out to eat twice in 18 years. If he grew up this way I bet he can go back to that lifestyle if he has to.

He will have to rein in, not reign in, spending.

[sweetana3]

My husband would say he has had 59 years to acquire these habits and he is the only one who can create new ones. You can only not add to the his problems. Go on picnics, cook a meal for him, or do free things but other than that, he is going to have to figure out what to do.

I would look at his ability to handle money like an alcoholic's ability to handle alcohol.

[Tammy]

You can't do much. This is his problem and his solution to discover.

Do not rescue him!

[razz]

Wise words posted above. Remind him of his talents and what you value in his qualities, such as his intelligence, compassion, etc. We all have worth but often see it only in others and not ourselves.

[ApatheticNoMore]

In theory that money should last at least a year (more considering he is getting unemployment), but then before concluding that so fast I looked what TRULY expensive things like ACA premiums would cost at that age because things like that are what are really going to eat up money, ok around here at least $500 a month for bronze with it's 6k deductible, $650 for silver. I could easily see the unemployment insurance going mostly to that (and then to actual healthcare as the deductables are high) as unemployment isn't generous.

[SteveinMN]

I agree that, at 59, BF likely is set in his ways.

But, depending on the solidity of the relationship (casual, move-in partners, etc.) you might see if you could make getting through this a "you-and-me" experience -- almost an adventure. I'm reluctant to do the Pollyanna thing and call it an "opportunity" -- especially as ageist as the IT industry can be. But this is an unusual situation. And maybe that merits an unusual approach -- "just for a month or two, till you get that new job, let's eat out only once a week"; "Hey, since we're in/going to Santa Fe, let's stop and stock up on that <consumable item we use a lot of that costs far more in town>". See if you can get him to buy into frugality at least a little and at least for now. That may pave the way for later -- or for a much longer slog through unemployment.

[catherine]

That is a challenge. Your bf sounds like my dh. He used to act as if it were his mission in life to make sure everyone had a good time--at his expense. He would do outrageous things--such as, one time we were at a restaurant and there was a table of 8 celebrating a couple's golden anniversary. So he just had the bartender send over a bottle of champagne. They were total strangers! I was so mad, but that's what 40 years of marriage has been like. I have not been able to change him, although he has pretty much come to the conclusion on his own that those days are over, because he basically has no income except for social security and he knows darn well I'm not about to fund other people's entertainment.

I do think a lot of those attitudes come from early lack and a need to prove their worth to other people, and money, to people like that, buys love. I agree with others--don't enable him, but support any efforts to be frugal.

[JaneV2.0]

Is there any chance he might be interested in selling on eBay? Some people do very well there and on other sites. That way, he could be his own boss and work his own hours, and not depend on a fickle job market.

[Yppej]

Ebay wouldn't have health insurance.

[SiouzQ.]

He spent the day on his own, licking his wounds, as I had to work. I think he'll be okay; he needs to redevelop a thick skin in his quest for a new job. I'm sure it won't be the only rejection he gets; I think he is just out of practice. This last stint was about three years of making pretty decent money up here in the mountains at a tiny software company.

It is so interesting how people have different concepts of money. I was brought up in a middle to upper-middle-ish class with parents who were very cautious about everything. He was raised in an abusive poverty-stricken home, his parents were prescription drug addicts. His father used to beat him with a belt. He was then basically tossed out and thrown away as a teenager by the father and sent off to juvenile hall in the 1970's because his dad just didn't want to deal with him. So at a very young age he had to learn how to parent himself and figure out how to negotiate the world - he was lucky in that back then the juvenile system actually worked and helped him make better choices than turning to a life of crime, which was were he was headed. At some point as a young adult he went to Control Data Institute and learned computer programming and IT stuff and has been working in that field since the 80's.

Anyway, he actually does listen to me sometimes about how to be frugal. My job is to let him figure it out WHILE being supportive but not to be too judgmental. We keep most things quite separate though have talked a little about moving in together. He wants to buy a house here when he gets out from under the foreclosure, but obviously he needs a job first. The idea would be that I would pay him rent for my share but not be involved in any of the financial stuff of going into a purchase together. It took me so long to build up my nest egg and emergency fund that I will NOT put it in jeopardy, even for love.

[pinkytoe]

I will NOT put it in jeopardy, even for love.
Very smart of you!

[JaneV2.0]

Ebay wouldn't have health insurance.

Doesn't the ACA still apply?
It's criminal that health insurance is still tied to employment--or that it even exists, IMO.

[ApatheticNoMore]

There is the ACA. While never great it is being made worse by Trump though, California had to apply surcharges to the silver plans and they now cost an arm and a leg without subsidy (the thing about being unemployed is there is no way to predict if you would qualify for a subsidy or not depending on when you find work - earn too much because you work much of the year and no subsidy - earn nothing and no subsidy either I think as they want you on Medicaid). I'm unemployed and was looking at plans, really expensive. But then I saw OFF-EXCHANGE plans are somewhat cheaper so I feel a bit better (they still aren't cheap). Then you are of course foregoing any subsidy at all. It may not be the first thing an unemployed person thinks of is that they are going to be hit hard with healthcare but they are. Luckily I'm healthy so out of pocket expenses should be nothing much and having a deductible of a few thousand except on basics is likely to work out ok, with health problems though it could add up.


He spent the day on his own, licking his wounds, as I had to work. I think he'll be okay; he needs to redevelop a thick skin in his quest for a new job. I'm sure it won't be the only rejection he gets; I think he is just out of practice. This last stint was about three years of making pretty decent money up here in the mountains at a tiny software company.

yea, it's hard. Every last latent social phobic tendency gets activated for me (luckily if he doesn't have any of that stuff to deal with but there is still the non-social anxieties of not having an income). And actually I was interviewing as recently as last year, it's like we have to be constantly doing it almost. 1000 times over I wish I had some kind of career with a little job security, well maybe that is what I will work toward long term, although it's hard to say what it would even be but there are careers you can find work fast in I think.


Anyway, he actually does listen to me sometimes about how to be frugal. My job is to let him figure it out WHILE being supportive but not to be too judgmental. We keep most things quite separate though have talked a little about moving in together. He wants to buy a house here when he gets out from under the foreclosure, but obviously he needs a job first. The idea would be that I would pay him rent for my share but not be involved in any of the financial stuff of going into a purchase together. It took me so long to build up my nest egg and emergency fund that I will NOT put it in jeopardy, even for love.

I hear you, personally I way overdo the financial security for psychological reasons and because I'm been unemployed time and again and don't tend to get work instantly, of course that's partly because it's often in recessions (I have been at jobs long term too, it's not always chaos), so I'm in a better financial position than my bf but it's my bf who talks more about buying a house than me, I'm always keeping money in cash for the next bout of unemployment and if not in cash at least in something liquid, only exception is the 401k can't liquid that till 59 or so :~)). So yes it's true with housing only going up it can make sense to buy, but day to day survival no matter what happens is always of more urgent priority in my thinking. But it allows me to have a cool head when unemployed even though I definitely don't prefer it, and deal with the social anxiety as the anxiety of whether next months rent gets paid isn't immediate.