Social contacts

[Chicken lady]

I have been struggling with social contact. Zoe Girl made some comments about it, and I read an article about loneliness in the NYT. I’m curious about the amount and types of social contact that people have/consider normal.

I live with my husband and daughter who both work full time and have activities outside the home. I see them a few waking hours a day. Mostly during meals. Often dh is home one full day on the weekends, but more often two half days. Additionally, in the last week I:
Thursday: worked at the food bank - 2 hours of near constant face to face conversation with strangers and people whose names I know. No close relationships, even the people there who I like, if they died, I would be sad like I was sad when my rabbit died. In my life they are even more replaceable than the rabbit.
Friday: had heartdaughter and grandson stop by for about an hour on the way home from camp - cookies and conversation. Picked berries at my friend’s house while talking to her for an hour and a half.
Sunday: went to the grocery store - 5 minute conversation with checker and bagger
Monday: had heartgrandson here most of the day and his mom for half the afternoon. Picked berries again but friend only joined for half an hour. Also exchanged greetings with her son.
Tuesday: had a “conversation” lasting 7 e-mails with two coworkers.

that is a very social week for me.

i have been trying to reach out for more social contact. I am trying to schedule a visit from a new friend - so far no luck. And I have been trying to get in personal touch with my cousin - she has a very active Facebook page and I get emails from her that are clearly sent to her whole address book, but I can’t get her to answer her phone, return calls, or e-mail me back. It’s weird, because I would actually describe us as “close” and when Dd posted on Facebook about my new store opportunity, my cousin wrote a really nice note on the post.

[Ultralight]

Chronic Loneliness is a major problem and it comes with health problems you do not want. I have studied the heck out of this issue because I was tasked by a community organization to give a presentation on it.

There are several pathways to the social center.
1. A romantic life partner
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Community (this could be things like a church, a labor union, a professional organization, etc.)

If you have all of these you are all set. If you have three you ought to be okay. Two, you might get by. One and you are screwed. Zero? You might at well cash in the chips.

[Chicken lady]

What is meant by “have”?

i have a romantic life partner who I do not have as much time with as I would like.

i have a daughter living at home who is often not here and is a mix of comfort and conflict when she is.

I have family I would like to see/speak with more often, but they are mostly far away and traveling is a big deal for me.

I have 5 friends who live within an hour of me - by “friend” I mean “person whose company I enjoy, who shares at least some of my interests, with whom I can have in depth, meaningful conversations, who would come in an emergency, and who would leave a hole in my life that could not be fully filled by another person - I would miss them because they are them, not because of the function they serve in my life.” Two of these people I literally interact with less than once a year. Most of them less than once a month.

i have three coworkers who probably qualify as “friends” from a normal person perspective - we enjoy working together, we have pleasant conversations, we help each other out, and we share details about our lives outside of work.

i am involved with 4h and the food bank. I attempt to serve 4h with as little human contact as possible.

I take pottery classes about 22 weeks a year (split into 3 spaced out sessions) with people I like but only see at the pottery studio.

plus, I am a teacher.

[Tybee]

What is meant by “have”?

i have a romantic life partner who I do not have as much time with as I would like.

i have a daughter living at home who is often not here and is a mix of comfort and conflict when she is.

I have family I would like to see/speak with more often, but they are mostly far away and traveling is a big deal for me.

I have 5 friends who live within an hour of me - by “friend” I mean “person whose company I enjoy, who shares at least some of my interests, with whom I can have in depth, meaningful conversations, who would come in an emergency, and who would leave a hole in my life that could not be fully filled by another person - I would miss them because they are them, not because of the function they serve in my life.” Two of these people I literally interact with less than once a year. Most of them less than once a month.

i have three coworkers who probably qualify as “friends” from a normal person perspective - we enjoy working together, we have pleasant conversations, we help each other out, and we share details about our lives outside of work.

i am involved with 4h and the food bank. I attempt to serve 4h with as little human contact as possible.

I take pottery classes about 22 weeks a year (split into 3 spaced out sessions) with people I like but only see at the pottery studio.

plus, I am a teacher.

I am not sure what feedback you are looking for. My social contacts are much more limited than what you describe in our life here, since we moved here 5 years ago. To me, it sounds like you have a rather full social life. It's certainly much fuller than mine, anyway.

Maybe you just need more girlfriends to go out with? Sounds like family contacts and marriage are very strong and fulfilling. You also have work and volunteer covered really well.

So maybe do like you are doing and pursue some women friends to hang out with?

[catherine]

I definitely have the life partner, and I definitely have family.

I feel my life has been too insular and revolved around #1 and #2 on UL's list.

It's not that I don't have friends, but I don't have "hanging out" friends. Just contacts on social media, basically.

And it has been a long time since we had the type of community on ULs list--we belonged to a church when our kids were really small and we had a really nice social life with them.

In moving to VT, I'm hoping to be able to establish friendships with people I feel a kinship with. CL, to your point about the food bank people, sometimes you just fall in with people and sometimes you don't.

Here's an example: I was walking my DDs dog in a nearby state park a couple of weeks ago. A woman approached me and asked about the dog. We just started chatting, and before you know it, we were walking along the full 1.7 mile length of the nature trail, just chatting and getting to know each other. So we decided to pick a day the following week when she would take me to another trail on the island.

I thought it was so nice, but odd, when I got a group text message from her.. unfortunately she had a family issue that took her out of town, and so she was apologizing to four of us--three were obviously old friends, at least older than me! I was flattered that she included me on that text message! That's the kind of thing I'm looking for. I get the sense we have a lot in common, and I'm hoping we can just go out once a week or so and chat.

I'm also becoming friends with the realtor that sold me this house. DH and I met her and her husband at a lovely pier bar up here for drinks Friday night. DH and I haven't been out for drinks with friends in years, sad to say.

So my social life is picking up. My next plan is to join an organization.

[Teacher Terry]

My dh is retired so see him all the time. Son and DIL have dinner once week. Every Friday night sleep at my best friends house and go home around noon on Saturday. See stepson once every 2 weeks. Have 3 close friends that I usually have lunch with one of them every week or 2. Go to a event on Saturday and talk to strangers. Talk to people when I walk the dogs daily and talk to next door neighbor frequently.

[razz]

There are several pathways to the social center.
1. A romantic life partner- no, but I walk the dog and talk daily with a friend. Not sure why it must be a romantic partner so perhaps you could expand on this. I loved my DH but life goes on with or without a romantic partner.
2. Family - yes, in regular contact but they are living at a distance as has happened to numerous friends so we friends visit for cards etc.
3. Friends - we visit and talk or email weekly
4. Community (this could be things like a church, a labor union, a professional organization, etc.) yes to church and art organization and volunteering.
I don't feel I lack but remain aware that there are many who need more social contact. I greet so many people on my daily dog walks that know my name, share what is happening in their lives if the need is there. I see social contact as giving to others in whatever setting works. I need my privacy and time to recharge and reflect so pretty self-sufficient as well.

[JaneV2.0]

I think the need for social contact varies widely. I require a minimum, apparently. Since my partner died, I feel a bit adrift, but I still have friends and family who are in contact by email and phone. I may expand my circle somewhat in the future, but if not, I'm OK with it.

[Tybee]

Jane, I did not realize your partner died. I am so very sorry for your loss.

[catherine]

Jane, I did not realize your partner died. I am so very sorry for your loss.

I didn't realize that either! So, so sorry, Jane.

[JaneV2.0]

He was no spring chicken and he had medical issues, so it was inevitable, but I still shake my fist at the sky and give him grief for leaving--on a daily basis. I didn't mean to hijack the thread.

The important thing is that we determine what our personal sweet spot is re human contact and aim for it.

[Lainey]

That is definitely a major loss, Jane. My sincere condolences.

It's true that social media has kept us all more in touch, but in some ways I think of it as those television preachers. It can be engaging and even comforting, but I'm remembering a story that someone told years ago. Their mother was a devoted follower of a famous TV preacher and sent money regularly. However, upon her death, her adult children realized they had no connection with the local church of their mother's denomination. Fortunately that local pastor agreed to officiate at their mom's service despite her not being a member of the congregation.
I guess my point is that there's no substitute for real in-the-flesh relationships.

An older friend of mine lives in a nice gated senior community. There are a number of women on her street who are widowed or divorced like she is. A few of them made a "pact" as she describes it, to help each other out. Then sure enough one of the women broke her ankle, and the others were able to bring over meals and take her to her doctor appts. Of course it was for a limited time (I don't think the pact would include long-term care or other substantial needs) but it worked out well. Even something as basic as that - neighbors helping neighbors - would be a big boon to anyone's social needs.

[JaneV2.0]

Beaverton (and many other cities) has a cooperative elder care organization called Viva Village, part of the Village family. It's made up of volunteers who help each other with transportation, yard work, social contact, and more. There's a modest yearly fee to join.

[catherine]

He was no spring chicken and he had medical issues, so it was inevitable, but I still shake my fist at the sky and give him grief for leaving--on a daily basis. I didn't mean to hijack the thread.

The important thing is that we determine what our personal sweet spot is re human contact and aim for it.

Jane, I'm sorry for prying (and continuing the hijack), but when did this happen? You used to reference him often.

Speaking of social contact and maintaining friendships, I consider you all friends, even though I would pass you on the street and have no clue who you are. When I talk to my family about stuff, I'll sometimes say "I have a friend who said..." And that friend is one of y'all.

So when something sad like this happens to a friend, I feel it no less than I would any other flesh-and-blood friend. Shoot, we've been together a long time.

[Gardnr]

CL, rather than searching for a norm among us, perhaps more define what it is that you are missing. Then fill that hole in your brand new community. It sounds like you're on track doing that in Vermont.

My hubby and I are inundated daily at work. When we leave, we're so ready to be together quietly and enjoy our evening. Weekends we may or may not do things together....we both have hobbies...he woodwork, me quilting. We may revert to our "studios".

[JaneV2.0]

March 21, the first day of Spring this year. As I told his son, he was a good man, and my best friend. He was an example of having lots of social contacts and support.

Yes--this forum and others are a part of the "community" leg of the social contact chair.

[rosarugosa]

I am so sorry for your loss, Jane. Inevitability still doesn't make it easy.
I agree that we have varying needs concerning social contact. I'm finding that I can be more social since retiring since I can still have time to myself. It isn't quite the either/or proposition it used to be.
I too share a strong sense of community with the people here.

[Ultralight]

I think the need for social contact varies widely. I require a minimum, apparently. Since my partner died, I feel a bit adrift, but I still have friends and family who are in contact by email and phone. I may expand my circle somewhat in the future, but if not, I'm OK with it.

Jane:

I am so sorry to hear of your partner's passing. Please take care.

[SteveinMN]

I'd like to offer my condolences as well. There's a lot to lose in one go...

[bae]

My condolences, Jane :-(

[Teacher Terry]

Jane, I am so very sorry. So sad.

[herbgeek]

I'm sorry Jane. Like others I was unaware of your loss. Wish I could have been more timely with the condolences.

[pinkytoe]

My condolences, Jane - that is a huge loss for you. I have been reading various books on aging and it has been proven that online forum friends can be very beneficial to one's social circle, ie they should be counted in some way. I really miss my two friends back in Austin as we used to meet for lunch weekly. Now just occasional emails to catch up. It is hard to find female friends at this age in a new place. Seems that most of my neighbors stay inside a lot and aren't very friendly when they do come out.

[iris lilies]

Jane, I am sorry to hear this. Be well, as well as you can be.

[Teacher Terry]

I do worry about this happening and being alone. I love having a partner I enjoy. I am savoring every moment of this 5 week car trip.

[bae]

In my ofttimes roles as caregiver to my clinically depressed wife, I find a robust social network is essential to maintaining my sanity. And as others have said, I count you folks here amongst my support system.

[razz]

Savour all the good things about your partner that you shared, talk about them, remind yourself of how you molded each other just like stones in a bubbling brook that shape each other in day to day living. Those you love become part of you as you are today. My condolences for your loss but I celebrate that you had this positive partner that you treasure.

I do worry about this happening and being alone. I love having a partner I enjoy. I am savoring every moment of this 5 week car trip.

[JaneV2.0]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. I'll be OK.
I believe in an eternal soul (Catholicism dies hard), so I'm convinced we'll meet again.

My relative who survived a stroke (delightful year so far...) spent some time in a mental facility afterwards, and was impressed by the kindness and efficacy of the help they received--a far cry, I imagine, from the treatment our g-grandmother got at the asylum she died in. We've made some progress.

[Float On]

Jane, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Bae, I'm sorry your wife (and you) have to deal with depression. Depression seems to run in families. I've seen it in my own in great grandfather, grandmother, uncles, myself, and one of my sons. Have you noticed any in your daughter? I recently learned my son attempted suicide while he was in college in NM. I knew he'd seen a school counselor and psych in town, I knew he struggled but didn't know he was flunking out his 2nd semester and I also didn't know that a hall mate found him trying to hang himself in his room and forced him to get help. A real suicide attempt several states away and the school told him it was his choice if they contacted us or not. No one did. He hid the severity of it from us all and talks about that time being a definite disconnect - that it wasn't him. I'm trying to wrangle with all the what if's 2 years later. He's in a better place mentally, living at home and just working for now but we've agreed more counseling is needed before/during attempting college again - something to keep him on the level and balanced.


I have many acquaintances but no close friends.

[Lainey]

Float On,
That's very good to know that your son is doing better now. I'm glad he has good family support. It does make me wonder if there can't be a way to get beyond the adult student/privacy thing to alert parents of serious events like that.

I've often thought if I had to choose between having a mental health issue and a physical health issue that I'd choose to have physical issues every time. (although thank goodness that, in my 60s, I'm still doing well on both!)

[early morning]

jane - I'm sorry to hear of your loss.... float-on, I'm glad your son is doing well! I was terrified when my adult son was away at school; he had several major episodes we were unable to help him deal with, other than to make sure he was not homeless, and he did eventually seek help. While he still struggles with anxiety and depression 10 years later, did not complete his degree, and is now saddled with huge student debt, I am more confident that he still seeks help when needed, self-medicates in a more positive way, and seems much more stable. I am glad your son is doing better. I understand the adult/parent dilemma; several times my son told us that had he would never have gone to seek help if he thought we would have been notified. He is now more sharing with us when he needs help, but then, he simply would/could not.

CL, your social life seems fine to me; you certainly have much more contact than I do with people other than family. I am definitely an introvert and am perfectly happy to be alone. I have a lot of work "friends", but we rarely hang out other than at work; I have only one none-family person I classify as a good/forever friend, and that seems about right for me. Among my large extended family, this seems pretty common; YMMV.

And I too think of this as part of my community, and you all as part of the social fabric of my life.

[Rachel]

Chicken Lady, it sounds like you do a lot to reach out and engage with life and with people. I like your idea of joining an organization. Many people find that a faith based group is very helpful for all kinds of reasons. My church plays a major role in every aspect of my life, including social--maybe something like this would be helpful to you. Let us know how it's going.

[frugal-one]

My condolences too.... Jane.