self confidence is at all time low

[Zoe Girl]

oh dear, I am thinking I need a support group or something extra. I am settling into the realization of what a big deal this break down was. No matter how much I see the circumstances I was put in it still is affecting my already low confidence. I already have had eroding confidence over this school year, propped up by collecting good feedback from a variety of sources.

So I am getting ready for my crochet class tomorrow, writing or finding the patterns I need, making a sample potholder, etc. This is tomorrow so I am not thinking super in advance, but I am extra nervous about the class with 2 people in it. My energy levels are challenging, the medication makes me sleepy but not nauseous today!

Reading more about my illness has made me see that there are times when my reactions to clear stresses were more extreme than most, how much I struggled, and if I even have the capacity to go back to this job. Choosing to look for another job is different than the department saying I am not able to do it. I have also thought about what I need, one thing is major last minute changes are a big problem! I don't just like to plan ahead, I truly need it for my support. I am looking at the supports I have built into my life over the years, the reason I have been successful the previous 7 years. Planning ahead, being well staffed, building supportive work relationships, tracking my work by putting reminders on my calendar for almost everything, supporting my students and staff by using my empathy, etc. I have already had my limit of camp days being short staffed, crisis managed, and stressful during the year. Good news (or bad news) is that I could actually feel this coming on this time, earlier in the week I could feel that the manic part was building with low sleep and high stress. I didn't understand it at the time but maybe I can go forward and have a way to communicate that before a break down or change what I can.

As always thank you so much for listening. This is a very supportive place so I try to offer support on others posts but don't know if I am great at it.

[Ultralight]

Have you considered getting on permanent disability for your mental health problems?
It could mean you never have to work again.

[Zoe Girl]

HI Ultra, I think I am more than capable of working, but not necessarily in this environment. I actually have a lot to offer, but I do need some consideration for how I can be supported. For one thing my staff always love me, and the parents gave me the highest surveys ever. I just can't take over a crap situation at the last minute.

A lot depends on the attitude and tone when I go back, sometime this week part time. I will then be able to find out if they consider what they asked me to do was my normal job duties or not, if it is considered normal job duties then I guess I can't do it all. If it was above and beyond but I am able to do the rest of my job then I can stay in my position. I have no real idea, it would be significant if they admit this was above and beyond. I think I would still be eligible for a job in the district however.

[Simplemind]

I think you need all the support, redirection and diversion from obsessive work thoughts that you can get. You can't go back and change what was, it is over and more importantly not yours to change. You are here, now. You need to find a place that works for your set of circumstances. It is obviously not what you left. You can not and should not try to change yourself to fit into something that obviously spells chaos in your universe. This is self care time, take it. There may be something to considering disability, there is no shame in that.

[ApatheticNoMore]

oh dear, I am thinking I need a support group or something extra. I am settling into the realization of what a big deal this break down was. No matter how much I see the circumstances I was put in it still is affecting my already low confidence. I already have had eroding confidence over this school year, propped up by collecting good feedback from a variety of sources.

it may have been a big breakdown in the context of that workplace (in most workplaces it would be, but I really don't know how things are at that school or even in that field of work). But is it a big breakdown in the context of who ZG is as a human being? I'm not so sure, maybe many people would have broken down if put into those circumstances.

But meanwhile you may have to go back there? Maybe, really wish you could get out, hopefully an interview turns out well, try to focus on that.

So focus on that but I suppose it's also good you are looking at what you can do to deal with the situation better, maybe some non-work strategies to deal with work stress would also help (well I'm not going to recommend meditation to you :laff:, but maybe social support etc., but yea the work stuff is probably most relevant).

[sweetana3]

ZG, I want to chime in to say that no one could have handled the situation you were put in.

[Teacher Terry]

Super woman could not have handled it sweetie. You are awesome.

[catherine]

I hope you soon find a place that values your many gifts, ZG.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you all, i am not sure i have said that if i have a new job veey soon i am considering reporting this program based on what i saw. Not sure who or what to say but had serious concerns
And i caught up the prep for my class so feel better, writing patterns is significant work

[herbgeek]

Being in crisis management mode is hard for anyone, under any conditions. Much much harder without any support, and gaslighting by your manager.

[dado potato]

From this distance I would say you are making changes for the better. Some anxiety is completely understandable.

You have mastered many challenges in your life already. Many!

Like other people who post here in response to you, I wish you well. First things first, One Day at a Time.

[Zoe Girl]

Being in crisis management mode is hard for anyone, under any conditions. Much much harder without any support, and gaslighting by your manager.

Thank you for saying gaslighting!! That is an important factor, all the times this year that I was told one thing, then another, and the only evidence was the email someone else sent. Then this 2 week time that there was a new crisis every day that I thought had been taken care of ahead of time and now all of a sudden I was responsible for. Everyone forgot really fast how short of a time I had this site, and how I had not been in the loop as far as preparation went this year.

I went to the Buddhist version of an AA meeting tonight. No one asks why you are there and I figure if I hadn't started meditating at 19 I would be an addict. I was on my way back then. So the group I needed just came around 30 years later, but it seems the best place for me to be right now. A few of us are bipolar, most are cleaning up something in their lives or dealing with trauma. I have a few friends there, sometimes I share but mostly listen.

[ApatheticNoMore]

adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families have some meetings that you can go to even if your family wasn't alcoholic/addicted but just dysfunctional. Me and my bf went, we related to what was being said. Now is it really my thing to go to 12 step meetings even of adult children, no it isn't a lot of fun (i also went to an al anon meeting as a sibling is a recovering addict) but it's there. I'm just throwing that out there not saying to do that instead of what you are doing, do whatever feels like you belong there really.