Living With Someone After A Long Time Alone

[SiouzQ.]

The last few days I have been trying to sort out feelings I can't even quite identify as I move the last things out of the tiny house and into the house we bought. I think we (I've) been so caught up in the excitement of getting the house cleaned out and ready to live in it has overshadowed any feelings of anything that are bound to come up.

I think I am starting to acknowledge and deal with all the recent changes and the huge commitment we just made to each other. I am actually a bit sad to move out of the tiny home even though it was feeling quite claustrophobic at times; I realize I could have stayed there easily for a while longer. I think what I am mourning is a loss of the feeling of complete independence; I have my stuff and my space,he had his stuff and his space, and we came and went to each others places at will, or easily said "I need a studio night" or "I need to play my guitar tonight" which was code for "I need my space." Now that we live together I think we need to be able to honor that need for space, which should be quite doable because of the way the house is laid out. But it doesn't feel the same as when we lived in separate places. I think that is just something we are going to have to get used to as an "official" couple sharing a home.

I'm still having a little anxiety about the money spent but most of the major stuff is out of the way (for now). We do need to get the driveway fixed because with all the moving and driving cars and trucks up this steep, rocky incline, we've got it all torn up and at some point my Honda Accord will not make it up the incline.

But getting back to a few disquieting feelings: I haven't shacked up with someone since I got divorced in 1992 and it feels weird to share a space with someone else. I tend to want to control things and he is the complete opposite. I am clean and fairly organized, he is a slob and completely disorganized. I have a way of doing things in a fairly timely manner and he does not. I am constantly trying to remember to not be as controlling as I would naturally want to be, but I do have to remind him about important things that need to be done because they would effect both of us in the long term. Other stuff I am trying to let go and remember that he is an adult and has and can take care of his own stuff (just not the way I would do it) but that is his problem. I just hate to see good money wasted on things that should have been taken care of earlier (like late fees, etc). But that is his money.

This is a good lesson for me - remembering boundaries, remembering I am a person in my own right. I will deal with my stuff, he can deal with his, and somehow we will develop a plan for dealing with the together stuff that is comfortable for both of us.'

'I am sure this will come up a bit going forward, but I just needed to acknowledge some weird feelings and get it out of my head. I wonder if he is feeling the same things? We should check in with each other tonight.

[Teacher Terry]

You have lived alone for a long time so it will be a adjustment. My husband is similar and we deal with it by him having his messy space such as his office, shed and garage. As far as wasting money ours is together so I handle everything financial.

[ToomuchStuff]

When it comes to the house and stuff that affects both of you, I would recommend a good desk/wall calendar to put notes on.

[catherine]

That is so understandable. I'm an introvert, and love my alone time, even though I've been married 42 years I still need it. I was worried when we downsized from 2100 sq ft to 700 sq ft. Maybe because we've spent 80% of our time here in nice weather, it hasn't been bad. He has an outbuilding/workshed and a boat and I have an office and a travel schedule, so it's not like we're in each other's shadow.

But you're right--sharing space demands a different way of life, and it is an adjustment. Sometimes it's hard to compromise. Lately DH gets angry if I make the bed because he thinks it messes up his CPAP (it doesn't--I carefully move the mask and hose to the nightstand, but he still gets mad). So now I make MY side of the bed and I don't touch his. Sounds weird, but it makes me feel better that at least my bed is made--if it weren't for the fact that when you stand in our living room there's a clear view to the bedroom, maybe I wouldn't care as much.

I think you have to "accept the things you can't change and change the things you can." Try to work out some basic ground rules and let the rest go. Having a companion around you love and respect is worth these irritants, IMHO. But the transition is definitely a challenge.

[razz]

One good thing is that you have the maturity and life experience to know that it can be resolved and worked through.

[SteveinMN]

One good thing is that you have the maturity and life experience to know that it can be resolved and worked through.
^^^ This. I was on my own for almost ten years after my first marriage; DW on her own (well, single parent, but...) for almost twenty years. Moving in together was an adjustment and continues to be one (though not on the same scale). DW's retirement in several months will cause another adjustment or two.

But we know we can make those adjustments. And we know how important they are to make. Always having to live with her idea of order or my idea of esthetics, without any ability to negotiate them in common areas, could create a breeding ground for resentment. We're conscious of making sure both of us are happy with arrangements. We keep a common checking account for most of our expenses, but each of us maintains a small account that we don't have to negotiate with each other. Each of us has one room in the house we can decorate and keep as orderly or disheveled as we please without judgement but we agree on a standard for the common areas. We know how critical it is for each of us to have our alone time. That will have to be renegotiated once DW is no longer out of the house for 50-60 hours a week at work. But we'll manage it because both of us want it to work.

SQ, you'll figure it out, too. Just don't be surprised if the answer in some areas is not "agreement" but "containment".

[pinkytoe]

I am dealing with some "uneasy" feelings too about being with DH 24-7 since retiring. I did not realize how hard it would be at times to get along after years of working and being away for much of the day. Our core personalities are starting to clash more often so it is crucial to either go along or get along. I am trying to volunteer, join groups, garden etc and he is content to sit in the basement surfing and reading. We both have our own space separated by a floor so that part is good. Right now, we are bickering about "decorating" the basement but I finally caved as that is his space and if he wants everything dark and brown, oh well. It is where the TV is though so I find it depressing to be there. I am actually looking forward to a little solo trip he is taking in a few weeks just so I can have some alone time.

[catherine]

Right now, we are bickering

haha, DH told my DS, in an effort to explain our behavior to him, that "that's what old people do. They bicker." it sounds so demeaning, but it's a wake-up call to me to pay attention to how I'm communicating. Yes, DH and I bicker all the time.

[iris lilies]

haha, DH told my DS, in an effort to explain our behavior to him, that "that's what old people do. They bicker." it sounds so demeaning, but it's a wake-up call to me to pay attention to how I'm communicating. Yes, DH and I bicker all the time.
I have told my friends that the day DH and I stop carping at each other is the day they will know we are getting a divorce. On that day it will be apparent we don’t give a damn.

[Teacher Terry]

The last 8 years of my second marriage we never argued because I didn’t care. I was just waiting for the youngest to be 18.

[lmerullo]

DH and I have been together 37 years. His travel job for the first 25 years really made it possible. Now, he's mellowed with age. He realizes some things you do ( even the things you think are stupid) just because your spouse wants you to. We bicker frequently, but now realize that it's a continuum, and not a full stop.

I do all the laundry tasks, as dh just doesn't do it right, and doesn't care that I care! This from a man who worked in a laundrymat and knows the right way! You may find some things that just are " lopsided" for various reasons. It might be just the way things need to go.

I think you are mature enough to have discussions when the time is right (not in the heat of the moment, for example) and will find what works for you both. Unfortunately, there may be some bumps in the road. Remember that it is normal, and you can do this!

[Gardnr]

Negotiating a relationship is "normal". Keep in mind, it's not about equality being 50/50 everything. It's about being equally satisfied with the output and the outcome.

[SiouzQ.]

Here's a good little chuckle. K. is trying, he really is. Usually, when one of us cooks, the other does the cleanup, which is totally fair. I like to clean up soon after I clear the table so it's all done and then I can move onto the next thing, rather than letting dirty dishes and pans linger. Last night I cooked a "use up all the tidbits in the fridge before I go shopping tomorrow" kind of dinner, which turned out really good and K. really liked it. So he starts clearing dishes, fills up the sink with soapy water, starts doing the dishes but then gets distracted by something else so all the rest of the dishes sit in the sink full of dirty water for the rest of the night. When I got up this morning we ended up laughing about it and he promised to finish them the night before going forward. I hate seeing dirty dishes laying around when I want to get my coffee made. I did tell him that since he has to get up early to commute to Albuquerque evry day that I would take care of his breakfast dishes int he morning before I walk the four minute walk to the gallery. That is something I don't mind at all. What I do mind is having to do the dishes before I can even start making dinner when it is my turn to cook.

We'll get it worked out, slowly but surely. I know he enjoys living in a cleaner house but he does have to do his part.

[Tybee]

You have age on your side. I am much more mellow with living together stuff than when my husband and I got together 22 years ago.

So is he, and he is the real space hog in the family, with some hoarding tendencies!

But he sure does a lot of things around here I can't do, and has helped me to set so many dreams in motion, and always does it with good humor and a resourceful spirit, which I greatly admire in him.

[iris lilies]

Negotiating a relationship is "normal". Keep in mind, it's not about equality being 50/50 everything. It's about being equally satisfied with the output and the outcome.

That is a very good point, that negotiation in any relationship is normal.

[SteveinMN]

I do all the laundry tasks, as dh just doesn't do it right, and doesn't care that I care! This from a man who worked in a laundrymat and knows the right way!(bold added)

IMHO, this is one of the most insidious things couples get to deal with. Are the white clothing items turning pink? Or being ripped apart in the washer? Or singed in the dryer? If not, it's not that partner/DH/whoever is doing it "wrong"; they're just not doing it the way you want it done. Big difference.

If a task is delegated, then the outcome should be agreed upon and the process left to the person doing the task. I do not fold clothes the way DW does. I don't separate clothing into "light green", "dark green", and other subdivisions of color. Light, dark, new stuff that might bleed; fine. But it all comes out clean and the color it went in. If DW has to have her stuff folded a certain way out of preference (not, for example, folding when something ought to be hung, which should be specified as the outcome of the task), then she gets to fold it her way or do the laundry. In our house, whoever is bothered most by how the task is done gets to do the task. Otherwise, it's accept the outcome and be okay that it didn't happen the way we would have done it. Makes the division of labor seem much more equitable.

[JaneV2.0]

(bold added)

IMHO, this is one of the most insidious things couples get to deal with. Are the white clothing items turning pink? Or being ripped apart in the washer? Or singed in the dryer? If not, it's not that partner/DH/whoever is doing it "wrong"; they're just not doing it the way you want it done. Big difference. ...

Well said.

[lmerullo]

I actually agree that there are often times whe one's standards are different, but the outcome doesn't much matter...in my case - the man will take a dress with a standard neck / shoulder which should be put on the hanger through said neck - and he folds it in half and puts it over the crossbar! He frequently will put multiple items on one hanger "it's more efficient" etc. I've actually though an item was lost, only to discover my t-shirt was underneath a pair of slacks. SO - no laundry help from him if you please!

[Gardnr]

(bold added)

IMHO, this is one of the most insidious things couples get to deal with. Are the white clothing items turning pink? Or being ripped apart in the washer? Or singed in the dryer? If not, it's not that partner/DH/whoever is doing it "wrong"; they're just not doing it the way you want it done. Big difference. .

So true. It ain't "my way or the highway" in completing tasks. I do sometimes, have to encourage hubby to do his chores. He's great about doing dishes before he goes to bed-our agreement is 1 cooks, 1 cleans...and he does NOT like to cook except the grilling portion of meals. He does the vacuuming and cleans one bathroom and can let them go way too long.

[Teacher Terry]

I am fussy about my laundry and don’t want anyone touching it. I did all the laundry for years and about 3 years ago it occurred to me that I still work part time and he doesn’t. So I told him he must do his own. He was not happy but I held firm. I also do all the linens,etc.

[iris lilies]

I am fussy about my laundry and don’t want anyone touching it. I did all the laundry for years and about 3 years ago it occurred to me that I still work part time and he doesn’t. So I told him he must do his own. He was not happy but I held firm. I also do all the linens,etc.
I do all of the household laundry, clothing linens dog towels etc. with the exception of DH’s work clothes.We developed that strategy because when we were both working, he needed work clothes washed once a week no matter what and I didn’t do laundry that regularly. Now it’s just a habit.