View Full Version : A silly chuckle to enjoy
DD1 sent me this sometime after we had a discussion about protecting passwords, identity theft, etc.
"Don't be worried about your TV and smartphone spying on you. Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years".
happystuff
12-19-19, 7:09am
LOL. Cute.
catherine
12-19-19, 9:11am
Very clever and witty daughter!
This may have been around before but it is still a silly chuckle. Don't think that the ages as stated reflect today's reality of those in their 80's acting and looking like those in their 60's. A friend is alertly driving herself daily at age 99.
THE MANY ROADS OF LIFE AND A FEW WORDS OF WISDOM
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.
Hope this works as an example of serious social distancing.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/ET57L0hXQAMx7GU.jpg:large
After checking out his room at the Redneck Motel the guest calls the front desk and says, "I've got a leak in the sink." The clerk says, "Well go right ahead."
SteveinMN
3-25-20, 10:15pm
"In some ways, the quarantine suited him. He loved silence and he was great at avoiding people. Plus, folks were stockpiling cash and goods, and they were totally unimaginative about where they kept it all. But now everyone was always home. It was a weird time to be a cat burglar." -- Micro Flash Fiction on Twitter
dado potato
3-26-20, 2:40am
All Brilliant!
Since God is watching us,
We may as well be amusing.
SteveinMN
3-26-20, 12:37pm
Steve, that is FUNNY! :D Thanks. Micro Flash Fiction (@MicroFlashFic) is a great account to follow on Twitter. Very efficient writing and a dry sense of humor/foreboding in many of the posts. Worth following even if you have no interest in the rest of the morass that is Twitter.
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
* I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
* I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
* Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
* PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
* Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
* I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
* This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
* So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
* Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
* My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
* Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
* I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
* I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyardah. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
* Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
* Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
* Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.
Teacher Terry
4-5-20, 9:17pm
Razz, I am not turning into a better cook:))
Hi Guys,
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lockdown.
Actually I have been talking about this with the toaster and the microwave while drinking coffee and all of us agree that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is being very cold and distant.
Eventually the iron calmed me down as she said that everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The hoover was very unsympathetic… telling me to just suck it up but the fan was more optimistic and hoped that it would soon blow over!
The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged so the curtains told me to…. yes, you guessed it…. pull myself together.
Razz, these are all great - LOL. Thanks.
These are great!! I read them out loud to my husband and we both laughed!!!! It's good to laugh. Thank you!
Some more taken from images forwarded to me. I don't know how to add images that don't turn to code when I paste.
* if they shut schools for too long, mothers are going to find a solution for the virus before the scientists.
* isolate, practice social distancing, clean yourself, - omg, I have become a housecat.
* for the first time in history, we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let's not screw this up!
* after 6 days without sports, we are watching the birds fight over worms. Blue Jays 3, Cardinals 2.
* gas is finally affordable and we can't go anywhere.
dado potato
4-7-20, 1:39pm
New York Times article by Virginia Heffernan, When Assistance Dealing With Addiction Must Go Online contained this observation, from an AA meeting participant: "Alcoholics fear two things: Change. And the way things are right now."
Yes, and "The trick is accepting both."
Everything's not fine:
3155
rosarugosa
4-16-20, 6:32am
I thought this one was pretty cute:
3161
Quarantine song to enjoy and sing along : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIQvaBOuvAs
frugal-one
5-12-20, 8:25pm
Quarantine song to enjoy and sing along : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIQvaBOuvAs
kinda depressing
Some chuckles Wonderful English from Around the World ...
Wonderful English from Around the World
In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE:????WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ??? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, opposite from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.????
?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??(Just Like British Airways!!!)
A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
???????????????? ??And finally the all time classic:??
????Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE???
Teacher Terry
7-5-20, 4:00pm
:~)
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.