Family issues

[Molly]

I am having an issue with a family (by marriage) member and it occurred to me that families consist of a bunch of people with differing personalities thrown together and are expected to get along.

We have just moved across the country and have left some of the dysfunctional relationships behind. I am enjoying the peace and lack of drama, but I still feel uncomfortable about an unresolved issue that I know I'm going to have to deal with.

Does anyone else here have family relationships you had to sever? How did you feel? Relieved? Guilty?

[Teacher Terry]

Both of my siblings are difficult people. I have no relationship with my brother and email my sister. When I go to Wisconsin I spend a day with my sister. I don’t miss them.

[Tradd]

My father was an alcoholic when I was growing up. Got dry through AA after I had left for college. Even when he was dry, he still had the behavior patterns of a drunk - aka a dry drunk. After years of putting up with constant criticism, verbal abuse, being told I wasn't good enough, I finally cut ties. I moved 6 hours away in 1996. The last time I saw them was 2002. My mom had a stroke perhaps 6-8 years ago. Don't remember how long ago exactly. My brother, who I never got along with, was given my phone number by my father. Brother left a long, verbally abusive voice mail chewing me out for not going to see mother. I immediately blocked his number and the cell numbers of both my parents, as well as their emails. I did send mother flowers, but that was it. My brother has made questionable life choices and has always bordered on being white trash. We never had anything in common. Don;t ask me why, but he was always the favored child. I'm older by 20 months. I was treated like I was dirt and I was the good kid. Good grades, never got in trouble, went to college. The only thing my parents did for me was pay for college. That's it.

I have not talked to them since before mother had her stroke. They will send me birthday and Christmas cards. Sometimes there has been a check for $50 in the card. I'll cash it. I'm not giving up free money! LOL But I will not respond to them at all. It has made my life much less stressful. I have friends I go to for the holidays. I've made my own family out of friends.

Many people have come down on me like a ton of bricks for cutting ties with the family. They're of the mindset that family is family. You have to put up with whatever they do to you. Eff that. There is not reason to put up with that.

[jp1]

Tradd, that really sucks the way your family treated you. And I was amazed in reading your story because I have a very dear friend whose family treated her almost EXACTLY the same. The only differences in her history were that her father never got sober and her family didn't pay for college. They thought she should just get a job at the local grocery store, get married and start popping out kids.

[Molly]

I'm glad to hear I'm not alone. My mother always stressed how important it was to get along with family, no matter what. I put up with a lot from some family members on both my and my husband's side because I thought that's what you were supposed to do. I got a real eye opener when I joined Al-Anon (my husband is a recovering alcoholic). I learned it was ok to back away from family members when a relationship got toxic. I'm still feeling guilty about severing ties with a sister-in-law. She is basically a good person but we have very different outlooks on life and she put her nose in my business one too many times. I would like to reach out to her, but honestly, I am just enjoying the peace of not having to deal with any more drama.

[Selah]

My husband and his sister had a falling out about ten years ago. She didn't speak to him for years, and now only (exceedingly rarely) contacts him via email. When her daughter got engaged, she sent us a wedding invitation. However, her mother (my husband's sister) actually called ME out of the blue, and said, "Since I'm paying for my daughter's wedding, I shouldn't have to be upset on her special day. So I'm uninviting you both. Don't come."

Honestly, life is a lot better without her in it. I just wonder if she'll actually bother to tell us when my mother-in-law passes away, as she is quite elderly and lives with a full-time caregiver. My sister-in-law took control of everything to do with her: medical/legal/financial. She put the management of her mother's finances in the hands of her husband, who has been struck off the register as a licensed stockbroker for fraudulent transactions, lying to clients, and misuse of clients' funds.

[Teacher Terry]

Delay, she sounds terrible. Doesn’t your husband have his own relationship with his mom?

[Gardnr]

Does anyone else here have family relationships you had to sever? How did you feel? Relieved? Guilty?

Yup. In-laws and SIL/fam. I go only when hubster requests and that is rare. He's mostly disconnected as well.

I feel sad mostly as they could have had a terrific relationship with us.