Father's Day -- possibly our last

[MudPuppy]

My dad is very sick, and while we are still in the lots-of-tests phase of a formal diagnosis, it's looking like lung cancer at a pretty advanced stage. He's adamant that he does not want to undergo extensive treatments without a good chance of recovery -- and while it's difficult to contemplate, I respect and admire that decision.

So this upcoming Father's Day may be our last together, and due to some longstanding travel plans I won't be able to spend it with my dad in person. I would like to send him something special, though, and I'm completely flummoxed as to what it should be.

My dad is not at all into material things. He is an avid reader, but picky, so the likelihood of me choosing a book for him that he would enjoy and hasn't already read is pretty slim. He's not big into sappy or sentimental things, so a long handwritten letter might very well make him uncomfortable. His stomach has been bothering him so I'm not sure that he would be able to eat a batch of handmade cookies or other yummy things.

He does have a pretty good sense of humor, so one thought I had was to send him something completely ridiculous that would just get a good laugh, but that feels wasteful to me and I'd like it to be something that would give him more long-term enjoyment and not just a brief laugh.

He really enjoys antiques, especially things that are old and hand-made and clever and well-crafted. I think he would enjoy a coffee-table book of furniture simply but beautifully by a master cabinet-maker in some rural location -- but all I've been able to find are books of very fancy (over-done to my taste) antiques.

As I said, I'm pretty flummoxed, and probably not thinking too clearly right now, either. One of my favorite things about these forums is the gentle, thoughtful, and wise advice that people get on the relationships forum, and I'd really appreciate a dose of that wisdom right now.

[razz]

Well, DH went through surgical removal of his right lung, then chemo and radiation due to lung cancer and he would strongly agree with your dad about skipping the chemo.

What we found is that DH lost his appetite and needed attractive foods to trigger eating. I would send a basket of his favourite food treats in small packages for nibbling - cheese, nuts,beef jerky, etc.
Give him lots of space to rest as needed with a comfy pillow and a fleece afghan in his favourite chair.

Hope that this helps as it is a hard issue to know what to do.

[AustinKat]

***hugs*** I'm so sorry about your dad. Razz has some excellent suggestions. My own advice (my mother died of lung cancer in 2009) is that, if your father's diagnosis is severe, and if he remains determined that he does not want treatment, that he get into hospice care as soon as possible. They are *amazing.* Hospice makes everything much, much easier, and it's covered by Medicare. Again, I'm so sorry.

[early morning]

(((MudPuppy))) Does he like antiques and history? There are some lovely coffee table books on Shaker furniture, and many wonderful books about the sect, the communities, the philosophy that links work, religion, and furniture... just a thought. My own father, who collected antiques and began his working career as a finish carpenter/cabinet maker, really enjoyed examining Shaker furniture and learning about them, although his tastes ran more to embellished items.

[nswef]

I'm so sorry. It is hard to be away when you know they are so ill. Will you be getting to see him anytime soon, just not on Father's day proper? My dad was a baseball fan and I was able to find a tape of the homerun by Bill Mazerowski in the Pirates, NY Yankees World Series. He got a kick out of it. What about those pretty wooden or smoothed worry stones to just feel? It's a nasty disease and I will second the idea of getting hospice in immediately. Too many people wait too long. A DVD of scanned photos or a photo album of your favorite pictures...not too sentimental, but a point of conversation. You will get through this.

[crunchycon]

Mudpuppy, I'm very sorry to hear this; just five weeks ago my own dear dad passed away under similar circumstances. Don't know if your dad'll be up to holding/looking at a book, but I do like the idea of a DVD or album of favorite photos. A CD of favorite music for him might be appreciated.

Dittoes to the suggestion about hospice; they are truly amazing individuals and were a godsend before and at the time of Dad's passing, so please look into that. You are in my thoughts.

[rosarugosa]

Funny, I just read a reference to a book today that sounds like something your Dad might like. Thomas Moser is a highly regarded furniture craftsman from Maine. His work is really beautiful. The book is out of print, but used copies are available on Amazon for about $50.
Thos. Moser: Artistry in Wood - Thomas Moser (Author), Brad Lemley (Author). Apparently there's a foreword by Andy Rooney, so there might be some humor wrapped in there too. Wishing you and your Dad the best.

[MudPuppy]

Thanks so much for the thoughtful responses. I went ahead & ordered the Thomas Moser book that you recommended, Rosarugosa -- it sounds like something he will really enjoy. I really appreciate that recommendation, because it's not something that I would have been able to find on my own, but as I looked at the reviews it seems like exactly what I was looking for.

We had a really positive experience with hospice care a few years ago when my grandmother was ill, so I know that will be in the forefront of my mom's mind once we do have a formal diagnosis. They truly are a blessing at a very difficult time.

[Glo]

When my step father was ill and we knew he wouldn't make it, I sent him $100 flower arrangement; he did love flowers and was very pleased. Those flowers brought a bright spot to his last days in a nursing home.

[bagelgirl]

I don't know exactly what stage your father is in regarding his illness, but as a parent I want my children's "time" rather than gifts. So even though you'll be gone over Father's Day can you spend a lunch with him before you go or after you come back?

[Zoebird]

This is a tough one, and I think setting up as much time together as you can is the right path.

Also, my father was with his mother when she was in her end stages, and all they ate was ice cream. My dad bought the best ice cream ever. My grandmother didn't want to eat otherwise, and yet she was also fearful that she was not eating anything else. My dad said to her -- as per their humor -- you never know which meal will be your last, so it might as well start with dessert! :) In the end, she gained some weight, my father cleaned the house, had a hairdresser come and do her hair, got her dressed and was able to host visitors for her -- many friends she hadn't seen in a long time. She was too ashamed of her messy house to invite them before, and too sick later on. So my dad cleaned it up for her. He also glued all of her broken catholic statuettes for her. I know it's silly, but he fixed every one of them, and then she gave them to her friends who visited her. She was a lovely lady, if a funny odd duck! I do miss her. I know he misses her too.

Anyway, best I can do. And sorry to put my stuff on there. But sometimes it's the silly little things that you remember most, in those last days.

[MudPuppy]

Zoebird, that makes perfect sense. I think -- from other people that I have lost -- that the really Big Important Stuff doesn't fit easily into words or images or memories, but it's possible to make sense of it by celebrating those funny little things. After my grandmother passed a few years ago, we developed a whole series of jokes about what a horrible back-seat driver she had become in her later years. People in our family still occasionally reach over, smack whoever's driving, and shout "Turn here!" at random intervals; strangely, this evokes fond memories of my late grandmother.

Part of the struggle with time is that I live a full day's drive away from my dad, so visits require some planning. One friend did suggest that I change my flight back from the conference this weekend so that I would go directly to their house rather than coming home -- that idea has a lot of appeal.

One thing that I have noticed in all this is the very definite rhythm of grief throughout the day. I tend to wake up clear-headed and feeling fine, and then grow increasingly withdrawn and melancholy as the day wears on. By mid-afternoon I hit a low point, and then it eases and I am able to enjoy other people's company through the evening. Has anyone else experienced this kind of a rhythm?

[razz]

Emotional roller coaster is what I call it as we go through these life challenges. We do get through them though although it might be stormy seas at times.

[Juicifer]

You know, I would write him a letter and tell him you love him.

My mom passed away last year and I had had a fuming fight with her before she passed. But she meant so much in my life that I only wish now I could have told her how much I loved her.

[MudPuppy]

Update: I talked with my mom yesterday & mentioned that I had ordered the Thomas Moser book, and she said that my dad already knew of Moser's work and really admired him! She didn't think he had ever had a book of Moser's work, though, so it sounds like this should be a real winner.

I am also in the process of making plans to go see them for a couple of days after I get back from the conference this weekend. I feel so much better just knowing that I will be there in a week -- it's giving me something concrete that I can do. There's some kind of mental shift in there, too. When we first learned that he was sick, all I could think about was how horrible the world would be without my dad in it. Now I am thinking more about what I want to do with however much time I do have left with my dad, and really wanting to make it count.

[rosarugosa]

MudPuppy, I'm so glad my recommendation was useful. What an amazing coincidence that I read about that book the very day I read your post. I wish the best to you and your family.

[crunchycon]

[QUOTE=MudPuppy;One thing that I have noticed in all this is the very definite rhythm of grief throughout the day. I tend to wake up clear-headed and feeling fine, and then grow increasingly withdrawn and melancholy as the day wears on. By mid-afternoon I hit a low point, and then it eases and I am able to enjoy other people's company through the evening. Has anyone else experienced this kind of a rhythm?[/QUOTE]

Um, yes. Still there, though six weeks out, not quite as much. I still get weepy at odd moments, too. I assume this is natural and normal grieving.

[Zoebird]

i'm glad you have found a way to be with them. :)

[MudPuppy]

Just wanted to post a quick update -- my dad passed away shortly after noon today.

If he ever got a chance to look at the Thomas Moser book, I didn't see it -- by the time it came in the mail, it was clear to all of us that time was very short & he was devoting all his time and energy to being with the people he loved.

I was able to be with him for most of this past week, and it was an incredibly sweet and poignant time -- we talked and prayed together, looked over the old photo albums, told favorite stories, and said our goodbyes. He was lucid and without pain right up to the end, and he was able to die in his own bed in a house filled with family and friends. In the midst of my sorrow right now, there is a part of me that is absolutely euphoric; it was a blessed, blessed way for him to go, and for us to let him go.

I really appreciate all the thougthfulness, wisdom, and support that has been poured into this thread. It has been a source of real insight and comfort in a difficult time.

[razz]

So wonderful that you got the peaceful time to talk to your dad and now you can cherish the special memory. Peaceful death process where the family can be there for support for the loved one and each other is so important. My condolences!

[crunchycon]

My condolences, Mudpuppy. I'm so happy you had that time together at the end.