View Full Version : young adults living at home
argh, so I figure I am going to get 2 types of responses to this. One is that yeah kids (young adults) are like that and it is normal. The other is that I should put my foot down and insist on something different. They are both valid responses really, I guess I am looking for an actual way out through the middle where I can provide some assistance to my young adult yet live in a clean comfortable place and NOT be responsible for her. Sigh,
So I have fewer hours over the summer but I do still work two jobs and I have big plans for projects like growing back the lawn and learning Spanish. Anyway our washer/dryer are both broken and so I have taken things to the laundromat over the last months and I will usually ask if the kids have some things (they have done theirr own laundry for years) and try to wake up a kid to go along and help. I got a note on the kitchen table from kiddo who works nights asking when I was going next because she has a LOT of laundry. She has money and access to the car so I replied that she could do her own.
I guess it just bugs that giving her a little help goes right back to asking too much and not respecting the work I do, and yes I am making too much of this. Is is really 'no harm done' to ask mom to do one more thing when I have to threaten to get any work out of her even though she has lived on her own? I have tried about every freakin method in the book to push off some responsibility towards her and it ends up with sticker chore charts for a 20 year old. Not my idea of her really being responsible. I guess it is time to realize she is one who will 'get' responsibility about a year after having dirty dishes and no clean clothes, and being within mom vicinity puts her back to having me do it again in about 30 seconds.
I did my own laundry since I was 10 years old. I don't see the big deal in having her do her own, particularly as she's an adult. She isn't going to take responsibility if you are doing everything for her. You really aren't helping her become a mature, responsible adult for doing things for her she should be doing for herself. You are trading off short term helping her out for long term becoming an adult- is that really what you want? Do you want to continue to be an enabler? You say you have tried to push responsbility on to her, but yet you continue to do your kids tasks. I'm confused. Which is it that you want?
Its not a matter of you "putting your foot down". Just let the natural consequences occur. If she doesn't do her laundry, she doesn't have clean clothes. Its not your problem. You have enough other things on your plate.
You are already providing assistance by keeping a roof over their head, and I believe you also pay a number of their bills. Isn't that already the middle way?
I think you do need to tell her that you've noticed that she has slipped into kid role after having moved back home and you need to see her exhibit some responsibilities. Being in charge of her own clothing, providing her own personal needs (toiletries, etc), she should also be contributing to the household if she has lived on her own previously. Is she paying a bit of rent or buying her own food? Is she helping with household chores? If it takes a sticker chart then I guess it takes a sticker chart but you do need to sit down with her and draw up a plan/agreement of what she is responsible for while living at home again. If you don't, she for sure isn't and it is very easy to slide into the 'mama does it all' routine.
I think I would just take the emotion out of it and not do her laundry. No need for further discussion. No need to get upset that she asked. She asked. You answered. No guilt.
If you have chores you want her to be responsible for, make them a condition of her living with you. Her "rent" is to, say, do the dishes, laundry and clean the bathroom weekly. If it's not done the rent isn't paid. Not done three times in a month, 30 day notice and she can live somewhere else.
It's no longer your responsibility to teach her to be responsible. The goal now is to minimize her impact on the rest of the house. If she doesn't do the laundry, then she won't have clean clothes. If she doesn't do the dishes, then there won't be clean dishes to eat off of. Wash only what you use, box up anything dirty in a tub labeled "To Be Washed By Someone Other than Mom Since I Didn't Get Them Dirty." If she leaves her stuff around outside her room, throw it out (Let her know that this is the new standard).
I would also let go of any expectation of being respected. After all this time, it's not going to happen.
My sis & I had a loooong phone convo yesterday about entitled young adults & our role in their sense of entitlement... her 19 y.o. son & my 22 y.o. step-daughter to be specific. Her son moved out - about 2 miles away - yet still asks Mom to use her car, and expects her to pick him up at this house on his schedule when he needs it. She finally got that the word NO is a valuable one, and after a conversation with him, during which he said he was fine hearing 'no', I think she'll use it.
My step-daughter, away at college, received a VERY expensive camera kit for her birthday the first week in June. We've heard nothing from her about it. NADA!!! No thank you's, no 'it's awesome, OMG', a big fat nothing. I finally texted her on Friday to see if she'd gotten it, which she has, and " it's awesome". Still no thank you. I wrote her a detailed email about what gift giving means to me, and what I would very much appreciate in return. She replied with an apology and series of time related excuses. Still hasn't managed a thank you, but we'll see.
My take home: give gifts to her that I can freely give without expectation of a thank you - in my case, that's probably a card. Both my sis & I have realized that we were part of the entitlement equation, and once we set our limit, and stick with it, though the young adult may squirm and fuss, perhaps be a royal pain, it's really their problem.
I can see that living with someone in that circumstance may be hard. The parenting call at this developmental stage is to set boundaries (the teachable moment) and stick with them (many teachable moments!), while staying in loving contact. I used this phrase when my step-daughter lived with us & attempted to push the boundaries: "I'm sorry this is hard for you, honey. I have every confidence that you'll figure a way to make it work." She stomped her feet quite a bit, but ultimately did figure it out. It would be well within the realm of reason for you to say to your young adult that you have every confidence that she is quite capable of doing her own laundry. Period.
Regarding dishes, if talking about it & making agreements don't work, I would probably pack up all but one set for each person in the household, label these (Mom's, Daughter's, etc.) and keep my clean ones in my own space. What a hassle. Whatever strategy you choose to set your boundary, sticking with it is your task, figuring out how to have clean clothing & a plate to eat off of is hers.
Good luck! Keep us posted.
Thanks all, I am not doing her laundry right now. I did a couple times because the washer and dryer broke and I brought things to the laundromat for the rest of the family (they can do their own but not drive to a laundromat). It does bug me that I can see the mess in her space (she doesn't have a real room styaing with me) from the laundry but I will have to ignore that and just throw things that creep out into her space. I would actually like to bag it in trash bags if it creeps out and put it on the back porch.
Float on, I like your idea. We have always been a family that had family meetings and worked things out more cooperatively rather than mom being the authoritarian in all cases. We need a new family meeting because now her siblings are so irritated at her messiness that they are getting upset as well. With her working late nights it is hard but we may have a night this week.
(p.s. I am not trying to be defensive but I want to argue the enabler thing. I see so many parents not do half the natural consequence stuff I do including making kids move out, cook their own meals, do their own laundry for years before this but I think this kiddo is just a sloooow learner on these things. sigh. )
I live with 3 people, all adults, and unfortunately we have to use a white board chart otherwise nothing would get done.
Does your kid have a timeframe or goal for moving out?
she is 'saving money' and we need a time frame. I hardly get a chance to have the basic conversations with her so we haven't had that one yet. I did get her to replace the headlight on the car she uses with only one threat, and she took me seriously. It was a note that said 'fix the headlight in 2 days or park the car and take the bus'.
Not having a good day so far with my kids but that is another story. I am just going to chill out over lunch and move on.
IshbelRobertson
6-13-11, 5:12pm
Tell her:
You are an adult. Do your own laundry.
It worked for me!
I notice you posted she lived on her own already. Not sure about your kids but I've been through "I tried it on my own and it's a lot of work, so I want to go back to the way it was". Sometimes it takes redefining boundaries a bit - you are grown up and we can maintain a great relationship as parent-offspring and as two adults but it's never going to be the way it was. My middle daughter (mid 20's, at home for about 1.5 yrs, but moving out at the end of the month) did the I wanna be a kid again when she came home to regroup, but we moved on to being two closely related adults sharing the same home - and the housework and everything that goes with it.
That said it would have been much harder when she was 20 :-). I feel your pain.
rodeosweetheart
6-13-11, 8:55pm
Zoe, I would show her your post,and tell her that you love her, but that you are both adults, and you wouldn't tolerate such treatment from a friend, and so she needs to grow up and help out, or she needs to find someplace else to live.
My college girl lives at home and relations are often tense...but she does her laundry and keeps her area clean and her share of kitchen chores. I wash my own dishes and really do nothing for her. She wants to move out, but finishing college is her top priority and she doesn't make enough on her part time job to pay rent. I don't give her any money, but do purchase the groceries and pay rent. She pays the cell phone bill for us both and her car insurance.
http://iliketomakethings.blogspot.com
I guess it just bugs that giving her a little help goes right back to asking too much and not respecting the work I do, and yes I am making too much of this. Is is really 'no harm done' to ask mom to do one more thing when I have to threaten to get any work out of her even though she has lived on her own? I have tried about every freakin method in the book to push off some responsibility towards her and it ends up with sticker chore charts for a 20 year old. Not my idea of her really being responsible. I guess it is time to realize she is one who will 'get' responsibility about a year after having dirty dishes and no clean clothes, and being within mom vicinity puts her back to having me do it again in about 30 seconds.
"Giving her a little help" seems in this case to have the effect of sending mixed messages. One day you present as someone who can handle other people's stuff as well as your own, and another day not. Perhaps she has an all or nothing way of looking at things, in which case it will be better to NEVER do something she should normally do for herself.
Whew, well I have seen a serious shift and it is good. I thought I had better update and not just leave the negative floating out there.
So with my son we went to the counselor and went over some concerns and made some progress. I am really glad he has a counselor to work on things with because mom is not always the best person for this. We are working on him keeping the agreement of getting up in the morning and since that day he has gotten up. With my middle kiddo, well she is just doing better with her counselor support. I really wanted to push her to have a job and work on paying for her ticket and other things but right now getting the basic stability will have to be the first goal. That is a long story but she is now taking her medication, following a regular sleep schedule and eating enough to stay above the 100 lb mark. She even wants to go to the rec center and swim! I wish I could show you all her great butterfly stroke, she is really good.
So my oldest, we had the 'your rent is following my rule of getting up', do it or find another place. Well she is doing it but it is also that I point out specifically anything I do that is helpful compared to her living on her own and doing it all herself. One issue has been getting a dental appointment and she was dealing with dad on her own for months and getting nowhere. So I called the dentist and texted her dad for the insurance info and we got it done. Basically I had to tell him I was on the phone with teh dental office and needed the insurance info to finish the call. I have heard her ask so many times, well maybe someday I will earn enough or she will have her own insurance and we can skip him. She is taking care of the rest, making an appointment to have all 4 wisdom teeth out, arranging for time off work, checking with my schedule so I can drive her since she will be put under, etc. It seems that sometimes when I get in and do a little step it pushes everyone into doing their part.
Now to deal with my summer staff that seems to be acting the same way.
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