PTSD and parents dying [Archive] - Simple Living Forums

Tybee

9-14-21, 11:39am

Okay, I am not minimizing PTSD and in fact suffered from it years ago from an abusive spouse and a life-threatening illness, so I am not minimizing it.
But I'm wondering if I am suffering now from it from the last 8 years or so of dealing with my family and my parents and particularly my bullying brother.
I am really struggling with things like heart racing when I see another email from him, feeling depressed for days and having sleeping difficulties as this court thing hangs on, and things go wrong, and I get their emails, of all of these people, all of whom seem to ignore the reality of my mom's condition and just want to spend all this time talking about her money and her property.

I wonder how long it takes to get over this--if she dies before me (and some days I wonder) will it all get put to rest, or will it take til the estate is settled and these people are out of my life forever? Any practical suggestions on how to deal?

Doctor prescribed antidepressant but it gave me muscle tics and twitches and increased anxiety, which she said it might.

Teacher Terry

9-14-21, 11:49am

I would try a different medication. Except for reading emails I would cut the horrible brother out of your life.

Tybee

9-14-21, 11:58am

I would try a different medication. Except for reading emails I would cut the horrible brother out of your life.
Thanks, Terry. I pretty much have but he is supposedly coming out in person soon.

GeorgeParker

9-14-21, 12:44pm

Doctor prescribed antidepressant but it gave me muscle tics and twitches and increased anxiety, which she said it might.I take a Buspirone HCL 5mg tablet twice a day when I'm going through an extremely stressful situation like you are. Buspirone is an anti-anxiety drug, not anti-depression, and it sounds like you have depression triggered by anxiety, not just plain depression. So ask your doctor about Buspirone to see if it will work better for you and not have side effects.

BTW: I'm speaking from experience here as a fellow PTSD person whose PTSD manifests as anxiety that triggers depression. IOW this is not medical advice, just a friendly suggestion of something you might want to ask your doctor about.

Tybee

9-14-21, 12:47pm

Thank you, George, that sounds like really, really good advice, about the depression triggered by anxiety, yeah, that's me.

Jane v2.0

9-14-21, 3:26pm

Yes--as I alluded to in an unrelated post, I've become gun-shy over the years, for many reasons. I just want to go somewhere stress-free and zone out. As if there were such a place.

Tybee

9-14-21, 4:01pm

Right now, unfortunately, the place that meets that definition is my bed. I get it.

herbgeek

9-14-21, 4:03pm

I've got no suggestions Tybee, just want to say I'm in a similar boat with both brothers angry and focused on the value of the parental property. They thought that when Dad died, there would be a disbursement and so now are angry to find out no, everything goes to Mom. It is only when Mom dies does anyone get anything, assuming its not all eaten up by her assisted living costs. Younger brother and his gf came down 2 weeks ago to cram as much as they could into her Prius (I assume to sell on ebay or barter with neighbors). He was all upset we had thrown so much in the dumpster before he got there. He said we were insufficiently sentimental, but I suspect he saw $$$ in his eyes that he could have sold that stuff. My sister's house is already over full, I have everything I need, so why would I take stuff just to take stuff? There were a few small items that fit in a grocery bag that I went home with. My mother's taste is not my taste, I don't want stuff I consider ugly to clutter up my house just because my mother purchased it.

Tybee

9-14-21, 4:06pm

iris lilies

9-14-21, 4:09pm

I find it hard to believe that rational people would be surprised household wealth belongs to the woman who helped to accumulate it. I mean, why would children think they will automatically get a cut of the parental wealth if one parent dies?

Tybee

9-14-21, 4:13pm

Derangement, Greed, early onset dementia, who knows? I have given up asking why.

Jane v2.0

9-14-21, 4:21pm

Right now, unfortunately, the place that meets that definition is my bed. I get it.

Yes--I was just contemplating a nap. Pure escapism.

GeorgeParker

9-14-21, 5:06pm

I just want to go somewhere stress-free and zone out. As if there were such a place.

Opening theme from the movie Lost Horizon:

Have you ever dreamed of a place
Far away from it all
Where the air you breathe is soft and clean
And children play in fields of green
And the sound of guns
Doesn't pound in your ears.

Have you ever dreamed of a place
Far away from it all
Where the winter winds will never blow
And living things have room to grow
And the sound of guns
Doesn't pound in your ears anymore.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btYfSAcEyNs

herbgeek

9-14-21, 5:49pm

I find it hard to believe that rational people would be surprised household wealth belongs to the woman who helped to accumulate it

My brothers are both extremely entitled. The older brother, who worked for Dad his whole life, feels that the proceeds from selling the business should have gone to him. After all, it was his working as a machine operator that made the wealth doncha know. The younger brother got Dad's patent for free, and sold the equipment on this patent (my dad and other brother did the manufacturing). Younger brother didn't get a real job until his 40's. He was busy sleeping until noon, redoing his website every week, buying status cars and office space he couldn't afford. I don't know how he lasted so long but I know Dad did bail him out when the ex GF wrote my parents and said creditors were hounding HER. The boys both got way more than a fair share, but feel somehow that they are owed.

GeorgeParker

9-14-21, 6:17pm

Younger brother and his gf came down 2 weeks ago to cram as much as they could into her Prius (I assume to sell on ebay or barter with neighbors). He was all upset we had thrown so much in the dumpster before he got there. He said we were insufficiently sentimental, but I suspect he saw $$$ in his eyes that he could have sold that stuff.In all fairness to both you and your brother, if you knew he would arrive within a reasonable number of days, you should have set aside anything you were going to throw away so he could go through it unless it was obviously worthless trash. So what if he took some stuff you intended to throw away and sold it? Why would you care? Situations where one (or a few) relatives move in quickly and throw away everything they think has no monetary or sentimental value, leaving another relative out of the process completely have caused more lifelong hatred than you can imagine, even among siblings who weren't on good terms to begin with.

herbgeek

9-14-21, 6:48pm

The stuff in the dumpster was trash: broken knicknacks, old floppies, old dirty rugs, broken furniture. We saved everything that we thought could be of use to *someone*. I think it was the idea that his sisters had done the deciding that bugged him. For the year and and a half after my dad died, he was no where to be found. We were supposed to "know" the things he would like and store them indefinitely or deliver them to him (5 hours away). He never made a list or had any conversations about any items. He was just annoyed to hear that after a year, the other brother now had some items.

My sister and I spent many many hours going through and sorting things including multiple weekends in a row. Even when brother was there, he spent most of the time reminiscing instead of doing any actual work. His GF did most of the work. So he did little work, but had lots of criticism for those of us who did.

GeorgeParker

9-14-21, 6:55pm

The stuff in the dumpster was trash: broken knicknacks, old floppies, old dirty rugs, broken furniture. We saved everything that we thought could be of use to *someone*.So what you did is the same thing I would have done, and him thinking he could have turned some of the stuff you threw away into money just means he doesn't trust your judgement or your intentions. Based on what you've told me, I agree he's an a$$hole. The sooner he's totally out of your life, the better.

I think it was the idea that his sisters had done the deciding that bugged him.Bingo!

ToomuchStuff

9-15-21, 12:16am

My brothers are both extremely entitled. The older brother, who worked for Dad his whole life, feels that the proceeds from selling the business should have gone to him. After all, it was his working as a machine operator that made the wealth doncha know. The younger brother got Dad's patent for free, and sold the equipment on this patent (my dad and other brother did the manufacturing). Younger brother didn't get a real job until his 40's. He was busy sleeping until noon, redoing his website every week, buying status cars and office space he couldn't afford. I don't know how he lasted so long but I know Dad did bail him out when the ex GF wrote my parents and said creditors were hounding HER. The boys both got way more than a fair share, but feel somehow that they are owed.

Remind them the owners get the proceeds, NOT the employees.

Rogar

9-15-21, 8:44am

I'm certain my situation doesn't compare, but I've never been close to my only brother. I dreaded dealing with money and property issues when the time came for my parents estate. When the time came, there was a point when I just had to let go of some of my concerns about disposing of the estate fairly and quickly, or I had to deteriorate an already shaky brother relationship. Now, looking back, some of those estate issues don't seem to matter so much now and I get along fairly well with my only brother. I think my parents would have wanted it that way.

And I'd probably be in Belview If I could do some vigorous outdoor exercise a few days a week. It's valuable stress relief for me.

GeorgeParker

9-15-21, 11:51am

And I'd probably be in Belview If I [couldn't] do some vigorous outdoor exercise a few days a week. It's valuable stress relief for me.Try HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) if you're not already doing it.

HIIT seems to be the best exercise for overall health because it pushes your lung capacity, your heart function, your muscle strength and quickness, and your endurance, but the workouts are fairly short like 20 minutes. Other exercises will give you bigger improvements in specific health areas, but HIIT forms a good base for whatever else you do.

The HIIT version most of us are familiar with is "wind sprints" -- Sprinting a block, walking or jogging a block, and repeating the process a set number of times. Another type of HIIT is doing a variety of exercises at full intensity with a brief walk or stretch in between.

Try some of the routines here https://www.google.com/search?channel=fs&client=ubuntu&q=hiit+workout+routines and see if they push your happy button. They work good for me.

Tybee

9-24-21, 10:28am

Mom's trial completed and all the guardianships/conservatorships set up.

Now the problem is a large house out of state that must be emptied and sold.

Yppej

9-24-21, 10:29am

Mom's trial completed and all the guardianships/conservatorships set up.

Now the problem is a large house out of state that must be emptied and sold.

Take a deep breath. You're running a marathon not a sprint. Wishing you the best in the next chapter of the saga.

happystuff

9-24-21, 10:40am

Mom's trial completed and all the guardianships/conservatorships set up.

Now the problem is a large house out of state that must be emptied and sold.

Congratulations - those are two big accomplishments! Good luck with the house.

Tybee

9-24-21, 10:41am

Thank you, Yppej. You're right, I find I am holding my breath, even right now.

iris lilies

9-24-21, 10:54am

Thank you, Yppej. You're right, I find I am holding my breath, even right now.
That is a good first step, setting up the conservatorship.

I know that you have a lot of trouble with your siblings, at least a lot of trouble with at least one of them. Have you formulated in your mind a path forward in how you will deal with him?

It seems to me that your presence isn’t really required in the house and stuff clean out, is it? I say this because you already took photographs and mementos.

I think it’s great that you were instrumental in getting your mother settled into a better care home. That was a wonderful service you did for her.I believe you when you say you’re more interested in what happens to your mother than what happens to her house and her stuff, unlike your siblings.

So can you look at this logically? Could you let your siblings deal with the physical objects of your mother’s estate while you put your focus on her well being and health? the “stuff” of her estate really doesn't matter, especially since it is easy to sell real estate most anywhere in this market.

Do you know what your sibs will demand from you in the estate clean up? Is it possible they would prefer you not be involved at all?

herbgeek

9-24-21, 11:00am

Mom's trial completed and all the guardianships/conservatorships set up.

Now the problem is a large house out of state that must be emptied and sold.

So glad this part is done for you. We are still in the emptying stage. We threw out a lot and had a free table for the neighborhood for the little stuff. The furniture that is worth saving is going to a charity organization. We also have to remove the oil tank (or find out if we can fill the empty tank with sand or similar) that is buried in the yard before listing it for sale. My parents had a thousand gallon tank installed, too big to put in the house and burying it was what they did back then- no longer legal due to the possibility of leaks into the ground. My sister is interviewing a real estate agent next week. The house is so so dated, only one full bath that is the original beige. Dad installed a half bath downstairs, and its not what I'd call a professional installation. Lots of outdated floral wallpaper. We are removing the wall to wall carpet that was installed on day one- there are beautiful hardwood floors underneath that don't need any work. On the plus side, they added a full length room to the back of the house maybe 10 years ago that has sliding glass doors along the whole length and looks quite modern, the addition was 2 story with a workshop and lots of storage underneath.

Tybee

9-24-21, 11:58am

herbgeek, it sounds like you are doing a great job together--is your parents' house local to you? That would make this a lot easier, and is definitely part of our problem. The nearest of us are a thousand miles away.

I bet the your parents' house will sell easily, in this market.

herbgeek

9-24-21, 12:04pm

My parents house is an hour away, so the emptying/sorting work has been easy to do on my own time. I cant imagine trying to do this remotely.

Tybee

9-24-21, 12:08pm

You have been doing so much--yes, it's kind of only possible to do it right if you are within a couple of hours drive.

Teacher Terry

9-24-21, 12:21pm

NewGig

9-24-21, 12:23pm

I have chronic PTSD and I'm glad I can say that both my parents and my spouse's parents were much older than most of our contemporaries. That means that DH's Mom, the last surviving parent, died about 20 years ago now.

I don't talk to my siblings almost at all. Especially the one, greedy sibling. The other thing is that they both trigger me, so -- go away.

I went through what was similar to what you're talking about in my 30s. DH's family had no drama to speak of...

I have no real advice. Just encouragement and a reminder that it will be done, sometime. Focus on that instead of the crazy-making when you can. It doesn't make now any less crazy, but for me it makes it a little less intense.

Tybee

9-24-21, 12:31pm

That is a good first step, setting up the conservatorship.

I know that you have a lot of trouble with your siblings, at least a lot of trouble with at least one of them. Have you formulated in your mind a path forward in how you will deal with him?

It seems to me that your presence isn’t really required in the house and stuff clean out, is it? I say this because you already took photographs and mementos.

I think it’s great that you were instrumental in getting your mother settled into a better care home. That was a wonderful service you did for her.I believe you when you say you’re more interested in what happens to your mother than what happens to her house and her stuff, unlike your siblings.

So can you look at this logically? Could you let your siblings deal with the physical objects of your mother’s estate while you put your focus on her well being and health? the “stuff” of her estate really doesn't matter, especially since it is easy to sell real estate most anywhere in this market.

Do you know what your sibs will demand from you in the estate clean up? Is it possible they would prefer you not be involved at all?

You have asked some great questions here. I need to think about these things and will try to comment after I have done so.

Tybee

9-24-21, 12:39pm

Tybee, I thought you moved to be closer to your parents and that you and your siblings only lived a few hours away. If not after people take what they want if no one wants to tackle the situation just hire a junk removal company.

I did. They moved up here, a thousand miles from their house, and it has been sitting there untouched for 3 years now. I do want to have the chance to take things that I want, but I have not had the chance to do so. I do not want to be responsible for cleaning out the entire house. I also know that no one has gone through systematically and dealt with all the papers and photos--I left many because I thought my dad was going back and he wanted things left the way he had left them.

sweetana3

9-24-21, 12:41pm

I do not know where the house is located but there are often companies that will clean out a house. Restore for Habitat for Humanity in many cities will do a lot. There were only a few things they would not take at a friend's house. Estate sale companies will hold a big sale on location with their own employees. Sometimes it is even called a picker's sale for come and pick out what you want. Many different ways to do it. Then there are the junk dealers who will haul away what is not needed. These help with the labor and time issues.

Teacher Terry

9-24-21, 2:00pm

Now I see the issue. I am guessing that the only person that can move things along are the guardians.

rosarugosa

9-24-21, 4:07pm

I'm sorry this has all been so painful, Tybee. Hopefully this is a step in the right direction.

Tybee

9-25-21, 7:27am

iris lilies

9-25-21, 8:48am

I've deleted several posts about this situation because this is a public space.

Suffice it to say I have good reasons to feel nervous about this person, and sad about the situation, and really sad about the loss of so many family heirlooms that represent a link to my grandparents, let alone the property that my mother wanted me to have and promised to me.

It is an extremely painful situation, but the existence of this person makes it impossible for me to be safe, so I need to take the path that keeps him far away from me.

A sad situation indeed. It would be nice if you could make one trip to your parents’ place and take a small truck full of stuff that is sentimental but not especially valuable.

Me, I would be happy if my sibling was cleaning out my mother’s place and I didn’t have to be involved. Oh wait, that*IS* what happened! And yes I was happy! But of course the family dynamics with us are different, and I did go thru my mom’s stuff and take whatever I wanted before the rest of it was purged.

It is a good thing that your mother has assets to pay for her care. Her care is the main issue here, everything else is secondary. Of course you can feel sad about the loss of everything else, it is too bad.

I do wonder, with your mother’s professional expertise, did she have a will, trust and end of life documents? You don’t have to answer, I am just wondering aloud. You may not be able to talk about these details on this space,

herbgeek

9-25-21, 8:52am

I'm so sorry for you Tybee and your situation. That sounds truly painful and distressing.

Tybee

9-25-21, 10:02am

I'm so sorry for you Tybee and your situation. That sounds truly painful and distressing.

Thank you, herbgeek, your post about the entitled brothers really hit home; that is exactly what is going on here. He feels it is all his, as oldest son. He feels I am not entitled to anything. I think it is because I am a female--he really hated our mother, used to mock her, she told me he cursed her because she would not sign a POA with him as POA.

ejchase

9-25-21, 1:20pm

I haven't read all of the posts here, but I would also recommend a 12-step program like Al Anon (if somebody else's drinking was an issue in your family) or Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. They have virtual meetings online right now so that you don't even need to leave the house!

https://adultchildren.org/