Getting older and what is "home"

[Tybee]

My mom's advanced dementia is such that the only home she recognizes from a photo is the house she grew up in coastal Georgia. She sounds very relieved when she sees a picture of it and says, "oh yes, that is my home."
Of course the house has not even been there since it was torn down around 1966 to build a bank. But what is really funny is this week I found a letter from her to my mother, written around 1962, saying that it was great that my grandmother had found a buyer for the house, and that it wasn't even that sentimental a loss for her anymore since they hadn't lived there in years, and it had been rented, and it was a great house to grow up in, but it was time to sell it and had she thought about how she was going to invest the money. This was my 36 year old mother writing to her own mother.

It's just so odd that she only remembers this house. I have to laugh, thinking about my brother being so eager to sell her farm house, and thinking, what if, in 20 years, it's the only house he remembers, or he only remembers the house we lived in when he was 10 years old? He actually sounds a lot like her in the letter-- "no need to be sentimental, etc. etc." and yet here she is, 60 years later, and everything in her mind is gone except of that house, that equals home.

So I wonder what I will remember, if I get to her age, which I sure hope I don't, given how she is right now. What will be "home" to me?

[ToomuchStuff]

When I was a kid, I met my "great grandmother" (step grandmother I found out much later). Her dementia was such that she had long term memory, but no short term memory. Example, she thought I was one of my aunts as a kid, and told me the same story, six times in a row (that reminds me of), while showing how to make a clothespin doll.

My uncle visited her a few weeks later, and she was in that terminal clearness stage, where she knew when and where she was and everything going on. He said he hadn't had that good of a visit in years, and was lucky to get to see that. She passed a couple days after.
Thing is, see if you can get any stories/information about then, that you never knew.

[catherine]

Wow, how wonderful to have that letter!

Maybe dementia is just a function of where the plaques stick to the brain. Maybe random plaques take away 2018 for one person, but 1976 for another. Maybe our brains become like a corrupted computer file, where you can make out some text but not another in a totally random fashion.

I will hope, if I wind up with dementia, that the plaques and tangles leave my memories of my Madison and NJ homes alone.

[iris lilies]

, I wonder when I’m old and with dementia what I will think of as “HOME.” I am guessing it would be the house in a small town where I lived from age 5 to 11.

[pinkytoe]

My MIL, still very clear of mind and in an assisted living place, shows no sentimentality for the house she lived in for 40 years. She does not care if we burn it down which I find odd. The only house I have lived in and the only one that still feels like home in my heart is my little bungalow in the middle of Austin that we had to leave. I try not to think about it too much. I told DH that at this point in our lives family is the most important thing so we will move closer to them soon but do send my ashes back to Colorado.

[dado potato]

Along with memories of home, there may be certain songs that are extremely pleasurable to hear again.

For me, they could be:
All Through the Night, sung by Paul Robeson
In the Bleak Midwinter, sung by Renee Fleming and Rufus Wainwright

[Ultralight]

The only place I ever felt at home was on my vacation to Israel in 2017. I almost wept when I had to leave.

Before and since then I only get the quickest glimpses of that "home" feeling. All the aparments and such I live in, they all feel like motel rooms, like I am just staying there.

I think I may have difficulty feeling at home anywhere because of growing up in a hoarder house with my parents. You can just never feel comfortable or like you belong.

So here I am a 42 year old emotionally damaged divorcee who lives in an apartment that looks like it was furnished by a low level drug dealer.

I hope to someday feel truly at home with someone or somewhere.

[catherine]

The only place I ever felt at home was on my vacation to Israel in 2017. I almost wept when I had to leave.

Before and since then I only get the quickest glimpses of that "home" feeling. All the aparments and such I live in, they all feel like motel rooms, like I am just staying there.

I think I may have difficulty feeling at home anywhere because of growing up in a hoarder house with my parents. You can just never feel comfortable or like you belong.

So here I am a 42 year old emotionally damaged divorcee who lives in an apartment that looks like it was furnished by a low level drug dealer.

I hope to someday feel truly at home with someone or somewhere.

UL, what made you feel at home in Israel? Just asking because I've also felt that visceral sense of belonging, even though I had never been to the particular place.

[Ultralight]

UL, what made you feel at home in Israel? Just asking because I've also felt that visceral sense of belonging, even though I had never been to the particular place.

Not sure... I didn't expect it. I have travelled to other places too, foreign and domestic.

But Israel was just like, a mysterious but clear sense of "home."

What is your place?

[catherine]

Not sure... I didn't expect it. I have travelled to other places too, foreign and domestic.

But Israel was just like, a mysterious but clear sense of "home."

What is your place?

Well, I do like where I am in VT, but the first time I felt the feeling I was "home" in a different place was in Ocean Grove, NJ. It was quaint and friendly, and walkable and beautiful with Victorian houses, and it felt cozy, safe, and simple. I've spent years thinking that I'd live there someday, but I don't think it's in the cards. First of all, the pandemic has driven the price of it way high, and basically I'm very happy up here, too. Up here it's also cozy, safe and simple. Just not walkable.

I was asking because if you could identify what made Israel feel good to you, maybe there are places like that that would be a better fit for you than where you are. Or you could move there :)

[JaneV2.0]

The first time I looked out over Puget Sound, I was enchanted--there's something about large bodies of water that gets me every time.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I felt most at home in Seattle but that was years ago and in good weather (haha).

[KayLR]

Whenever I have a dream where I'm inside a house, it's my childhood home which I haven't lived in since I turned 19.

On the other discussion, I lived for one year in the Tampa region. I loved it. I lived 7 minutes from the beach. I didn't have any family there and I think for the first time in my life I felt like I was being myself and who I wanted to be.

I had to move back to WA for family reasons. When I boarded the plane on my last day in Florida, something, I suppose grief, suddenly ----and with no way to control it---came over me and I sat in my seat and sobbed. I sobbed harder than I've ever remembered sobbing. The attendants were really concerned. I simply could not stop and the only thing I can say is that I think in the context of this post, is that I felt at home there. Which is really weird now that I think about it because I'm a diehard Pac NW-er normally.

[Teacher Terry]

I love big bodies of water so always felt at home in Kenosha. I feel the same about Reno because of the mountains. When I need water I go to Lake Tahoe. I never felt at home in Kansas either time because it was much harder to find my tribe there.

[happystuff]

Mine was when I vacationed in a small cabin on Chincoteague Island. It was calming, comfortable, walkable, etc. But it was also off-season for tourists and I know that there are some peak "mob" times on the island... i.e. annual pony roundup.

[iris lilies]

I’m at home in the Midwest. I would like upper or lower Midwest but I’m as low as I want to go. I’m sure I would also love New England. Winters anywhere North of Interstate 80 are a big NO for me now.


When I lived in New Mexico it was like always being in a foreign country. It was an intriguing foreign country, but not at home.

I always thought I would like the western part of the Pacific Northwest, but now I’m not so sure. Tthere’s tons of trees and rain, or else it is a bit desert-y. And there appears to be very little architecture and I know we’ve had this conversation before but it’s just a land of Ranchettes.

[JaneV2.0]

I’m at home in the Midwest. I would like upper or lower Midwest but I’m as low as I want to go. I’m sure I would also love New England. Winters anywhere North of Interstate 80 are a big NO for me now.


When I lived in New Mexico it was like always being in a foreign country. It was an intriguing foreign country, but not at home.

I always thought I would like the western part of the Pacific Northwest, but now I’m not so sure. Tthere’s tons of trees and rain, or else it is a bit desert-y. And there appears to be very little architecture and I know we’ve had this conversation before but it’s just a land of Ranchettes.

The ranchettes are in the suburbs. There is a lot of lovely turn of the century housing in town. I know I've shown you pictures of some of the ones I grew up with.

[pony mom]

Whenever I have a dream where I'm inside a house, it's my childhood home which I haven't lived in since I turned 19.

Me too!!! I've been living in my current home for 16 years now and lived the first 40 years somewhere else. But all my dreams take place in that house, even though it's sometimes located here.

I always felt at home in London. In fact, tourists would often ask me for directions, thinking I lived there, and then be surprised when they heard my American accent. For several years my sister lived in California and I never felt like I belonged there. A long time ago a psychic told me that if I ever visited Ireland I'd be someplace that felt familiar, like I'd lived there before in another life. I like places with scenic views of land and mountains. My area of NW NJ is beautiful, with mountains and farmland all around me.

[pinkytoe]

I grew up in a leafy old suburb of San Antonio so I am always drawn to older neighborhoods with lots of trees. Old Spanish style stucco homes with courtyards and patios. I wouldn't say that such places feel like home but familiar and comforting. Then again, once the mountains get under your skin...