Ways to honor a faraway friend who's died

[puglogic]

I have been friends for many years with a man whom I'll call Bernie. Thirty years my senior, he was married to my eldest sister, who drank herself to death about 12 years ago. He remarried, moved to Baja in Mexico to retire, and we remained friends over the years -- he met and approved my husband before we married, etc. Really wonderful man, and I often wished he & his wife lived closer. We had only three occasions to be with them in person over the past decade, mostly because of the logistics of flying cross-country, crossing the border, etc. But we emailed, and talked on the phone at least once or twice a year, and exchanged birthday cards (his birthday and mine fell on the same day)

I was surprised to learn from an email from his widow this morning that Bernie had died peacefully in a hospital in San Diego. He was a hale & hardy man who seemed fairly indestructible, and I didn't know he'd been ill.

There will be a memorial service in California next month, and I'm pondering whether it's the best way to honor his memory or not. I did not know his "new" in-law family well, nor much of his biological one, nor his local friends, and so can't really offer much more than a hug and a murmured condolence to his widow.

But I feel this gap in me, as though there is something I wish to do to show my gratitude for all the kindness he showed me over the years, even in the hell and aftermath of end-stage alcoholism.

Maybe the hurt's still too fresh to be thinking of things like this, but I'm already starting to wonder: What can I do to honor him? What have others done in similar situations?

[Blackdog Lin]

I would write a heartfelt "note" to his widow/family, telling them all about how your friend WAS your friend, and telling them of instances that made him a friend to you, and anecdotal stories about good times you remember, and how you remember him as a truly good person and why you do.....

I've done this a couple of times (and it's time consuming: it takes a couple of days to get my thoughts together and compose a heartfelt and true remembrance letter); but both times the family later took the time to let me know how much they appreciated my writing about their deceased. I am still in contact with one of these families, people I kinda grew up with but later lost touch with, because of writing to them of how their family member influenced my life.

[sweetana3]

I agree. The family will be touched that someone far away and somewhat unknown to them had such wonderful strong feelings for Bernie. Your letter can be kept.

When a friend was in hospice, there was a website we were able to use to share our thoughts to her and about her. The family said several times that such written memories helped her and them cope with her sickness and death. They made a poster of some of the notes to have for others to read during her funeral. They also printed out and kept all the notes.

[razz]

Write a note as mentioned above telling how his presence added to your life. I always like to do something concrete as well. My choice is to plant a tree whether in a memorial garden or donating to a park or simply if you have the space in your own garden. Somehow it seems to help.

Weren't you fortunate to have had such a friend! Takes a friend to be one :-)