View Full Version : ex's wedding, feeling a little bad for my kids
So my ex=husband got married Saturday and the kids were all dressed up for the event. I got to see them before and they looked awesome. My son also played guitar with a friend for the wedding (his first paying gig).
I hear that grandpa was about like usual, and I think he really hurt my dd's feelings. She comes across tough but it still bugs. She has a few visible tattoos and she took out her piercings for the event. Still grandpa came over and told her she should be working on X street, our notorious street for hookers. The tatto in question is of a bunny. Overall the kids felt a little ignored and awkward, someone actually asked if I was there because they had heard so much about me. Very weird!!! I am not friends or friendly with my ex but obviously he is telling some people we are.
Now they want me to get married so they can leave in their facial jewelry (since I have some and my bf and I have modest tatoo work).
loosechickens
6-27-11, 2:10pm
I'm sure the kids are fine. It's kind of in the nature of many Grandpas (and Grandmas) to make comments about things like tattoos (MY mother called them "tramp stamps", so would certainly have been right in there had she spied any on her grandkids), short skirts, too much skin, etc.
In the old days, all one had to do to set off many in the older generations was not show up for church every Sunday, or "horrors", get divorced. And just letting your hair grow down to touch your collar if you were a boy was enough in my family to incur wrath from the ex-Navy grandfather.
Not to worry........and it's to be expected that the kids might feel both awkward and ignored a bit. They are, after all, proof positive to the bride and her family that the newly beloved groom has had a former family, something they might want to acknowledge as little as possible, as sad as that is.
I'm sure the kids will have a better time at your wedding when it comes, and they'll survive this just fine. Probably better to be a bit lighthearted about it, as opposed to "oh, you poor children", if you're asked for comment.
My teenaged kids (at the time) didn't even KNOW about it when my ex-husband got married, and my daughter had the fait accompli sprung on her on the way from the airport to his home, for a planned summer visit that happened to occur six weeks after the wedding, which neither of them had been informed about at all, when she was a teenager. AND the bride in question was barely older than my kids, and had worked for us, and was the "other woman" in a very public divorce. And she survived even that.
So best to just stay out of it the best you can, and look forward to having your own wedding when it comes, perhaps a more friendly and welcoming event for your kids. When I remarried, it was able to be a joyful occasion for my kids, who now, after well over 30 years, think my sweetie hatched them both from the egg.
It'll be fine.
We flew my husband's grandfather out to be part of our wedding oh-so-many years ago, drove him around to see beautiful Colorado, cooked wonderful meals for him, and made him an honored guest at the event and reception, both of which were small (30 people) and informal. We loved having everyone there, made advance introductions between folks so they'd have plenty of things to converse about, and married at a beautiful house on a lake, no fancy dresses or popping flashbulbs, just friendship and love.
We came to learn that he referred to it derisively as the "strangest wedding he'd ever attended" and didn't have much better to say about my husband's choice in marrying me. At the time, it was a big deal. Now, it's just an old man's lack of filters, unfortunate but oftentimes the butt of jokes.
All you can do is keep communications open with your kids about how they feel, make sure they know that some people are just mean-spirited, and let the rest roll off. They are old enough to get over this if you don't dwell on it, but are instead simply quietly supportive. This may require you to keep your own anger under wraps. You can make things much worse (for everyone) if you don't.
Doesn't sound too bad to me. At my dad's wedding, (also very messy divorce, and he married the 'other woman') my dad told all us kids from HIS former marriage to get out of the picture during the 'family' photo shoot after the wedding to save space for "real family" (yes, those were his exact words).
Doesn't sound too bad to me. At my dad's wedding, (also very messy divorce, and he married the 'other woman') my dad told all us kids from HIS former marriage to get out of the picture during the 'family' photo shoot after the wedding to save space for "real family" (yes, those were his exact words).
THAT IS HORRIFYING. I am so sorry, my dear. As a stepparent, I would never tolerate that kind of disrespect for anyone, especially towards children. OMG.
treehugger
6-27-11, 6:29pm
It's true that it hurts getting pushed aside (even unconsciously) for the new marriage and new kids, but maybe a certain amount is inevitable; just a part of life changing. I would just support and listen to your kids when they feel ignored by their dad, but don't try to referee or interfere, since no good can come of that.
I think that's a separate issue from Grandpa's rude comments though. That is just a good opportunity for learning to let insensitive things roll off ones back. Developing a sense of humor about that is crucial. Especially since we all know even close relatives and friends can say hurtful things, divorce or no divorce.
The forgotten child from a bad first marriage,
Kara
Many elderly people have lost the use of their 'politeness' filter. It's not an excuse, but it simply will happen around some older people. In addition, times change, and what many/most people now consider 'normal' (tattoos and gay marriage for example) others, especially older folks, will never accept.
When I was a kid, anyone with a visible tattoo was considered very low class, esp women. Even something as benign as pierced ears was not totally approved of in some circles. Attitudes about such things fortunately have changed, but not totally.
Oh yeah, I guess if it was just the wedding we would be talking more about letting it go. I didn't really go into the history. He has said this a few times and he does not even see the girls very often. The first time my middle dd was 12 and totally undeveloped. She gave up her bed for their visit and slept on the couch in summer PJs and he said about the same thing. No tattoos at that time, and my creep factor hashad it. Plus his career that he still works at is a counselor. Not cool that he is helping people with their feelings.
I am sorry to hear so many stories about people using their bad behavior around weddings. It may be awhile before I get married again cuz we both have some things to work on but already my boyfriend makes my kids feel great.
That's not a person I'd allow in my kids' life very much, then. Not that you can completely keep them away from him, but they need to know that whenever they choose - or are forced - to be around him, they will most likely suffer from some sort of abuse like this. And that he's the problem, not them.
When they get a little older and have more choices, they'll likely cut this person out of their lives completely, and that'll be a good thing in my book. Abusers don't get much slack from me.
I have been running over ways to tell their dad that I really don;t want him around the girls. This morning my ex and son and I did an orientation meeting for a therapy program that my son is starting that involves family. It sounded like my ex knows to some extent that his dad is a pain (since he is a counselor he had feedback about this therapy and it was grumpy) so that goes easier. I don;t see them being around him until my son graduates in 4 years so that is good.
"A pain" ? A man who refers to your daughter as a prostitute isn't "a pain." I have some choice words but they'd get censored anyway :) Hope you're able to keep this person out of your life and your kids'. Pity to those he "counsels."
Well, I was going to start a thread about this, but it piggybacks nicely onto this one.
My younger sister is getting married in Sept, and she hasn't talked to my dad in over 12 years. I don't know if my dad is invited or not, but haven't asked her (not sure how to bring it up).
My bf and I want to get married in Dec, and I don't want to invite my dad. Right now BF and I are talking about just doing a wedding chapel and not inviting ANYONE, but if we do that his parents might kill us since he will be the first kid to get married. Not sure what to do. It may hinge on whether my sister is able to exclude him or not.
If your daughter is old enough for tattoos and facial piercings then she is old enough to decide not to be around pain in backside grandpa. Let her make that choice.
rodeosweetheart
6-29-11, 6:01pm
"I have been running over ways to tell their dad that I really don;t want him around the girls."
Forget running over ways, tell the therapist in family therapy. This is not something that needs to continue, and your daughter is too young to be able to handle this, and this is not a time to worry about angering her father. You have to protect your daughter.
Courage! You do not need to be afraid here.
thank you, I am not worried about it for the sake of stepping on anyones toes., more that I want it to be very effective.
My daughters are old enough to speak for themselves however there is (of course) some history here. These are VERY difficult people to deal with. Even finding out for sure from their dad when they may possibly see grandpa is difficult. Communication skills are used more for playing games. I am NOT missing this family dynamic at all, and I have gotten this out of my life very effectively. So the reason to step in somewhat is because 1) I seem to have developed a little authority with dad over the years 2) my girls are both in treatment for mental issues and are working hard but need some support 3) abuse works best with silence and darkness so I am just saying this is noticed.
Okay, it is an opportune time to call their dad.
So here is an update, I did call dad (kids' dad) to ask him to not have grandpa around the girls anymore. He seemed a little surprised but was listening. I had to really spell it out for him, kids are proud of themselves and feeling beautiful/handsome and then get torn down. Not cool. And grandpa seems to have an obsession with commenting on X street, it seems to be his insult of choice. Of course to soem extent dad said the reasons he is that way and of course he can be sarcastic at times, he got insulted too after all but doesn't take offense anymore. So the kicker was when I said dd #1 does not car if she ever sees him again, like ever. So he is going to talk to his dad about X street comments apparently. I know it won't change grandpa into a nice person but at least maybe he knows the limits of what we will tolerate. I still think he is a creepy guy and am glad that my girls were never left with him when they were young.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.