friends and boundaries

[poetry_writer]

Was so surprised by my friends request by phone this morning I made up an excuse (I have to watch my grandson). She called to ask if could watch her FIVE dogs while they go out of town. Its a holiday weekend, I am not interested in watching FIVE dogs all weekend including the pit bull I am afraid of and the blind one who must be hand fed. How do you answer (honestly) such requests ? I realize part or even most of it is my wimpiness at not being able to just say NO, its a holiday weekend and I am not interested in sitting alone at your house with your FIVE dogs.

[reader99]

Thank you trusting me in that regard, but no.

I'm flattered you would entrust your animals to me, but I am just not up to the task.

Naturally, they will try to find out Why, so they can overcome objections, as the sales industry calls it. I find it effective to just keep saying the same thing over and over, or a shortened version of it. This gives them no handle to use to convince you.

Thank you but no.

No, thank you.

If you say I'm afraid of the pit bull, they will of course say but he's just a big teddy bear! Nothing to be afraid of! There's nothing gained by giving reasons.


When my late DH's daughter and son-in-law were expecting their first child, SIL waxed lyrical about how much DH and I were going to enjoy watching their kids. Uh, no. Right from the first mention of it I told them I just flat don't have the energy for toddlers, and I know nothing at all about babies, they'd be safer with a 12 year old neighbor with experience. (They already knew DH couldn't watch a kid under age 7 or 8). By the time the baby came I had them conditioned not to expect anything from me.

When asked something unwelcome in person, I blind them with a huge, loving smile and say, "Oh, no thank you, I'm not the one for that". Then as soon as reasonable find another place to be.

[creaker]

I think a simple "I couldn't handle it, it takes something really special to be able to take care of five dogs" should suffice.

Also, unless they had something fall through, I can't imagine making any big request of someone's holiday weekend only a couple of days before the start of the weekend. And that would be with no expectation of anyone saying yes.

[poetry_writer]

Thank you trusting me in that regard, but no.

I'm flattered you would entrust your animals to me, but I am just not up to the task.

Naturally, they will try to find out Why, so they can overcome objections, as the sales industry calls it. I find it effective to just keep saying the same thing over and over, or a shortened version of it. This gives them no handle to use to convince you.

Thank you but no.

No, thank you.

If you say I'm afraid of the pit bull, they will of course say but he's just a big teddy bear! Nothing to be afraid of! There's nothing gained by giving reasons.


When my late DH's daughter and son-in-law were expecting their first child, SIL waxed lyrical about how much DH and I were going to enjoy watching their kids. Uh, no. Right from the first mention of it I told them I just flat don't have the energy for toddlers, and I know nothing at all about babies, they'd be safer with a 12 year old neighbor with experience. (They already knew DH couldn't watch a kid under age 7 or 8). By the time the baby came I had them conditioned not to expect anything from me.

When asked something unwelcome in person, I blind them with a huge, loving smile and say, "Oh, no thank you, I'm not the one for that". Then as soon as reasonable find another place to be.

Hey I like that! Thanks for the advice. I was never good at saying no, afraid it would hurt feelings. You are right, explaining it wouldnt help. She knows I'm not fond of the pit bull.

[poetry_writer]

I think a simple "I couldn't handle it, it takes something really special to be able to take care of five dogs" should suffice.

Also, unless they had something fall through, I can't imagine making any big request of someone's holiday weekend only a couple of days before the start of the weekend. And that would be with no expectation of anyone saying yes.

I cant imagine someone having five dogs. Not that it is wrong to, but if you cannot afford to board them, you really shouldnt plan on going anywhere! Good advice, thanks.

[sweetana3]

1. There are professional dog sitters out there but I suspect they do not want to pay what it would take. We pay $30 per day for our cat care.

2. I would have said the same thing. To expect someone to take care of 5 high maintenance dogs on the spur of the moment is a true imposition.

3. I like all the answers given. There is nothing wrong in saying no to anything you feel uncomfortable doing.

True story: I was asked at the last minute to take care of three kittens for a local person who had little money and was trying to visit her family out of town. She was our local crazy cat lady. I felt bad and said ok. She then gave me a crate with three kittens and ran out. One of the kittens was dying and I thought the other two were too. I had to get a veterinarian who euthanized one of them (vet was very upset) and then told me the other two were starved. What a weekend. It is amazing what people will do to those who think they are friends.

Later that year, her neighbors were able to get the police, animal control, and the health department to rescue the 30+ cats she was hoarding without anyone knowing.

[jennipurrr]

My sister recently asked to stay with me for seven weeks with her wild (but lovable!) dog who flares up my allergies. I was honest with her, one or two days is fine, but I can't handle a house guest and dog for 7 weeks. My mom told her the same thing. She ended up rooming with an old room mate who has an extra room...much better situation, paying for her space instead of imposing on family for that huge of a stay. I think honesty is the best policy, as others have said, no I am not up for that...watching 5 dogs is a huge task to ask of a friend!

[iris lily]

oh sweetana, that's just awful. The collectors can't see what they do.

I'm babysitting my friend and neighbor's 4 hale, hearty dogs and they are easy, I just let them out in the am, pm, and eveing, and if she's gone more than 1 full day I throw some food at them. One of them decided to stay outsdie, hiding under the deck, wouldn't come in and so I left her. But tonight she came in.

Unfortunately this frieind is a bit of a collector and while down to only 4 dogs, the lowest for her in a decade, she's got a bunch of cats including one poor feral who she's keeping in a dog crate for months. What is the point, I just don't get it. She's trying to tame him. He still shrinks and glowers at me after months.

[sweetana3]

After a point in a feral's life, they are not tameable!!! I am not talking about former house pets that are living the feral life but ferals that spent their early formative years outside without human contact. So sad that she is putting him thru that. Maybe give her some internet research on Trap Nueter and Releast might help.

[Glo]

If this person is a good friend, why would you hesitate to say no? That's what friendship is about--you ask a favor and whether the answer is yes or no, you are fine with it--no hard feelings either way.

[Yppej]

"Also, unless they had something fall through, I can't imagine making any big request of someone's holiday weekend only a couple of days before the start of the weekend. And that would be with no expectation of anyone saying yes."

This happens practically every holiday at my job - the boss doesn't plan ahead for who is going to work the holiday. Grrr! I have learned to make my plans early so I am not available unless I want the overtime so I am not pressured to work. Your use of an excuse is fine.

[razz]

With five dogs, especially high need dogs, one would need to arrange care a goodly time in advance. Pet owners should not be so irresponsible as to leave it to the last minute and the advice that you have received above is great.

[kfander]

After a point in a feral's life, they are not tameable!!! I am not talking about former house pets that are living the feral life but ferals that spent their early formative years outside without human contact. So sad that she is putting him thru that. Maybe give her some internet research on Trap Nueter and Releast might help.

I took a feral in who was nearly two years of age by the time I took her in, although I had been feeding her once a day and had taken steps toward making friends with her prior to that time. I didn't want to take her in because I already had four cats but when I moved from Texas to Maine, my wife and I decided to take her with us.

She's twenty-one now, but she still isn't a cat that I would want anyone else to try to handle, and certainly wouldn't leave her around kids. For the past decade, I have been able to do pretty much anything I want with her, even hug her (which she hates), and she doesn't intentionally make me bleed, but it took several years to get to that point. Even at twenty-one, she's very playful and active; she finally learned to retract her claws while playing but, in the thick of a pretend battle, she forgets and I often end up bleeding. She's unpredictable. I can be petting her, and she'll be purring and acting as if she's loving it, then suddenly she'll hiss and draw back her paws as if she's going to attack me.

So yes, it takes a lot of patience to take in a feral cat, and some of them will never become as trustworthy as one that was born a house cat. I have two other cats, twin sisters, who are a few months older than the feral, and they still treat her as if she's an outside who shouldn't be here. Unknown to me at the time, he was pregnant at the time that I took her in, so I have one of her daughters too, but she sides with the other cats against her mom. I would never ask someone else to care for my cats, beyond perhaps checking to be sure that the litter box is clean and hey have food and water.

[ejchase]

I have been the friend making the unreasonable request before, and the way I learned was having people tell me tactfully and kindly why the request was unreasonable.

One way to look at this is not just as a lack of consideration but just as a lack of judgment. She clearly didn't think through what she was asking for, and you will be doing her a great favor by educating her.

I am very lucky that I have had very patient friends who were kind enough to educate me.

[Charity]

I had a friend that would routinely ask for huge favors. At first I thought nothing of it an usually complied. I had owned a B&B which I sold to her and her husband, so a big one was taking care of her inn guests when something came up. Another time she asked me to take a day off from work to help her decorate the inn for Christmas. She would pay me as she had another person the previous year. I ended up taking four vacation days and worked from morning till night because it had to be done by Thanksgiving due to a photo shoot or something. The payment she offered me was a gift certificate for a night's stay at the inn I sold to her. I only lived down the block. I told her no and that what I'd really appreciate was a restaurant gift certificate to a nice place in town. She responded with "Gee. You work cheap. I paid the other lady $450 last year".

Believe it or not I still tried to be a good friend. When another thing came up forcing her and her husband to be out of town on a weekend they had guests, I pitched in with sleeping over and taking care of the guests. But I had to sleep in the easy chair in their room because this man friend of hers was going to watch the inn on Sunday night and she didn't want me to mess up the sheets for him. The man friend turned out to be her boyfriend behind her husbands back. Needless to say I was done.

The lesson I learned from that was that true friends don't put you in difficult situations. They understand the boundaries of friendship. If the situation is dire and they really need you, you'll know it and that's another matter. But if you feel uncomfortable with the request decline and tell them you're not comfortable with it. If they keep insisting anyway, it might be a true measure of the friendship.