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I can NOT shake the constant feeling and belief that I am ugly. It is what it is, everyone can't be a model. The problem is that I actually feel like less of a woman because I'm not attractive. I think and feel that if I was more attractive, I would have someone (boyfriend, husband, etc) to love me. I've tried throwing myself into my work, my hobbies, and my health and tuning out television, movies, magazines, etc, but the nagging feeling won't go away. I feel inadequate.
Does anyone else struggle with this? I'm at my wits end. How can I learn not to let this bother me? I am currently on medication for depression as well.
(((hugs))) I am sorry you feel this way about yourself. I have no answers for you just empathy as I too struggle with feelings of inadequacy.
ApatheticNoMore
6-29-11, 11:06pm
I can NOT shake the constant feeling and belief that I am ugly. It is what it is, everyone can't be a model. The problem is that I actually feel like less of a woman because I'm not attractive. I think and feel that if I was more attractive, I would have someone (boyfriend, husband, etc) to love me.
What have you done to meet a boyfriend/husband? I mean if we are to assume that you REALLY ARE ugly (as opposed to just thinking you are ugly, which even many attractive people do) then .... yes you might have to work harder at finding a relationship than a more attractive person, but ugly women do get in relationships nonetheless. So are you doing things to find a relationship?
I've tried throwing myself into my work, my hobbies, and my health and tuning out television, movies, magazines, etc, but the nagging feeling won't go away. I feel inadequate.
Does anyone else struggle with this? I'm at my wits end. How can I learn not to let this bother me? I am currently on medication for depression as well.
Therapy? Learning to love yourself? I mean yes you could try new hairstyles, makeup, playing up your good features, dressing for your season (certain colors look better on certain people), etc. etc.. Yes, there are definitely many ways that people can become more attractive far short of anything drastic. But I'm not sure that's going to help if it's mental.
It sounds like you need to purposely and forcefully change your self talk. It makes no difference if you are of below average attractiveness, or just think you are. Somebody has to be below average. But when you find those negative thoughts going around in your head, you should try to replace them. Decide what things are important to you. If I start focusing on my imperfections, I try to switch it to something more positive. Scars are just signs of a life truly lived. I've had challenges and I've overcome them. I also think about how blessed I am with my physical body - I can walk, read, see, hear, write. I have no major illnesses. I'm lucky to be alive in this century, in this country.
Just think of some things that you value and like in other people and I'm sure you have some of these qualities as well. And anything you say to yourself in your head, is that something you would say to a friend? If not, you shouldn't say it to yourself.
As far as finding someone, a positive self-attitude works wonders. Seriously, if you think you're that unworthy, the only men who would be interested, you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyway. The wrong type of man would pick that up and use it against you. Much better to be alone while you work on yourself. And once you are better, when you find the right person they won't think you are ugly.
Mighty Frugal
6-30-11, 7:44am
Even if you are ugly (and I have doubts) that will not stop you from having a boyfriend or husband. There are plenty of ugly people (both male and female) who are in love.
I know a few 'ugly' people who are married/attached and their SO is nuts about them. Beauty only takes you so far in a relationship, after that...you gotta do it on your own.
My dh always claims he is ugly but he has never been short of gorgeous women dating him (I was one of them-haha) So how does this 'unattractive' man get these women? By being kind and thoughtful and smart and funny and everything else that has nothing to do with the way you look.
Your looks do not make you inadequate.
God/The Universe/Father Christmas/Magical Leprechaun (pick one) made you JUST the way you are supposed to be.
goldensmom
6-30-11, 8:02am
Porcelain, I’m going to guess that you are not ugly. What message were you given as a child? I ask because as a child I constantly overheard how beautiful my sister was from my parents and others. Never a mention of my physical looks, therefore, I concluded that I was not beautiful maybe not even acceptable. As an adult I told this story to a friend who said, ‘do you know Miss X, do you think she is ugly’. I said ‘No, she is not ugly‘. ‘Look again’ she said. While not exactly physically attractive, she was a beautiful person. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the beholder includes your own eyes. To me personality is what determines beauty, certainly not physical looks.
People glow and that makes them really beautiful. It is a mental activity to find something to be grateful for, something to like about everyone, the wish to bless people who come in contact with you, feel joy about each day. Those will make you glow and then the physical structure really does not matter.
I feel so sad reading this thread. (Sending an extra big and warm hug your way Porcelain). I'll bet you are not ugly. From a psychological standpoint, life's experiences and happenings (for the most part) curtail confidence and (or) upset. i.e. The absence of a loving partner, or, friends and family who confirm and reaffirm how special you are.
Do you know something Porcelain? I don't know of anyone I can say is truly ugly, I really don't. So please try and look deeper into who you are, and in turn, find the attributes that set you apart from the rest, and I know you have them! :)
To add, I wasn't going to mention this, but what the hay. My husband works with a woman in his office who (by and large), is as average as average gets. She dresses nice (like most women do), has a shapely figure, she's tall, and she always wears her hair pulled up in a sophisticated doo, but what sets her apart from all the rest is her outgoing, friendly, and warm loving nature. And I do mean it sets her apart! Where I'm going with all this is, you have all that Porcelain! You are outgoing, super friendly, warm, caring, and fun! (Look at all the fine attributes you possess). Believe it not, that makes you beautiful! It's true. :)
And, by the way, just so you know, my husband says, "the most gorgeous women are the ones who are the nicest, not the ones who look the nicest". There's a lot to be said about that statement. And, just because you have yet to have found that special someone in your life doesn't at all mean that you are ugly, it just means that you have yet to be noticed (by that special someone). :)
P.S. About the woman in the story I told you about, my husband told me that if he wasn't married to me he'd be- ALL OVER HER LIKE A SLEAZER! :laff: Yeah, you bet I was jealous when he told me that! :) And let me tell you Porcelain, she (the woman) is probably the least prettiest woman in DH's office, yet my husband said he'd go for her first.
Thanks all for your feedback and kind words. Goldensmom, my parents never said anything about my looks one way or another so sometimes I wonder if that has something to do with it. But even if so, I think that most of it is due to my perfectionism and the fact that I'm extremely hard on myself. Also, I'm divorced and that plus a string of bad relationships have really taken a toll on me. Maybe I do need to see a counselor about dealing with all that. Kestra, you've given me a lot to think about, and I think you're spot on about the negative self talk. Thanks for sharing that story Mrs-M :) Your husband sounds like a pretty great guy who is attracted to the things that really matter.
Once in a blue moon a guy will show interest in dating, but usually he wants to just hook up, or in the case of my last boyfriend, is a lying cheating jerk. I guess I'm discouraged. I don't know what else I can do to set myself up as the kind of girl you actually date/marry rather than a hookup. I have a serious fulltime job and a masters degree, it's not like I'm a stripper!
Gardenarian
6-30-11, 9:12pm
Porcelain - you were married and had a string of relationships (albeit bad ones) so plenty of men are finding you attractive enough. It does get harder as you age; our culture reveres youthful looks in women to a revolting extreme.
What would you like in a relationship? Are you hoping to have children? Are you lonely and want someone to share things with? Can you be happy without being in a relationship with a man? Just throwing out some random thoughts.
You look really pretty from here!
Thanks all for your feedback and kind words. Goldensmom, my parents never said anything about my looks one way or another so sometimes I wonder if that has something to do with it. But even if so, I think that most of it is due to my perfectionism and the fact that I'm extremely hard on myself. Also, I'm divorced and that plus a string of bad relationships have really taken a toll on me. Maybe I do need to see a counselor about dealing with all that. Kestra, you've given me a lot to think about, and I think you're spot on about the negative self talk. Thanks for sharing that story Mrs-M :) Your husband sounds like a pretty great guy who is attracted to the things that really matter.
Once in a blue moon a guy will show interest in dating, but usually he wants to just hook up, or in the case of my last boyfriend, is a lying cheating jerk. I guess I'm discouraged. I don't know what else I can do to set myself up as the kind of girl you actually date/marry rather than a hookup. I have a serious fulltime job and a masters degree, it's not like I'm a stripper!
I think that makes the situation a bit clearer. I mentioned the relationship angle, because what you said initially reminded me of my mindset during my first serious relationship, which was with an emotionally abusive man. Also it was that type of negative talk that allowed me to stay in that type of relationship as long as I did, once he started to show his true colours. And of course, as part of the dysfunctionality he did what he could to increase those feelings of worthlessness. It took me many years to recover properly from that relationship.
I also know how it feels to be a perfectionist and be harder on yourself than you ever would be towards another person. For me it's not my looks, but it's things I've done in the past that I obsess about (and mostly weird little things, or things from my childhood - nothing criminal) or try not to. I wish I could learn to stop that completely.
Specifically about the setting yourself up as the date/marry girl, I think it helps to be assertive; know what you want, what you will put up with, and always be willing to walk away. You can't really control what type of guys are attracted to you - whether they are quality or not - but you have the right to end things instantly if you feel it's headed in the wrong direction at all. This might seem harsh to some people, but really you can do whatever you want. You don't have to justify a break-up or a date refusal. If it doesn't feel right to you, that's just how it is. Even when I met my husband and decided within a month that I wanted to marry him, I told myself that I would stay alert for any red flags. If anything came up, I would end it; if not, hopefully we would be married. Nothing ever happened so here I am, married to a great guy.
I've found that many women don't have an attitude of self-preservation or self-defense, or maybe it's just worst-case scenario thinking. Even when I was teaching self-defense stuff, women just don't think about fighting back; they don't visualize it. Or they don't want to admit it. I will admit it - I will protect myself emotionally against anyone, even my spouse. I put myself first if it ever came down to the level of misery that I previously endured. Sure, I would do anything for him, even sacrifice my own life. But if he ever cheated or hit me, I'd be GONE. Some people think that's wrong - that marriage is always forever and love is unconditional, but I disagree. I think that makes me a stronger person and I think that my attitude helps my relationship as we both chose to be together. We don't have to be together. We treat each other well because either of us could leave but every day we reaffirm our commitment.
Sorry for the tangent. Just wanted to share some of the things I've thought about as it's been a long and hard path from the afraid abused girl I was, to the independent, centred woman I've become.
Porceiln; i too struggle with my self-image; its really a deep issue; i am currently in therapy and this has helped in many ways; the therapist and i both agree that women are fed from an early age via tv, magazines etc.; we are made to feel that we are less than, have problems that all these companies can solve for us if we buy their products!
And the standard is like the barbid dolls i used to play with; thats what we are supposed to look like
everyone including myself got hooked early on; my husband has never seen a real woman other than myself; he too was socialized to see only certain women as attractive
i am not saying that this is the reason you feel the way we do; i just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone
i will be thinking of you; keep us posted
I know what you mean.....I am terribly average as well, but I work on being a good person. I have an awesome bf who is crazy about me and I am about him. We will not win any beauty contests, but we might win the "caring, loving, happy, and funny" contest. You will attract what you will put out into the world. I would concentrate on getting yourself healthy and happy from the insides....our bodies are merely a shell....our souls are what matter most and the right guy will see that.
Hi Porcelain,
I can really relate to what you are saying, as I spent a good portion of my life feeling the same way. What me most was developing confidence through getting involved in new activities and doing things outside my comfort zone (moving to a non-English-speaking country, forcing myself to be more social, etc). I found that with the inner change that this brought, I began to see my physical self in a completely different light (for the first time ever, I was IGNORING my apparent flaws) and started taking more pride in my appearance and just generally feeling more comfortable.
Doing things to increase and develop your general confidence will undoubtedly change your negative thought patterns. I go through every day reminding myself that all of us are equal when it really comes down to it, and that being open and confident will attract positive energy and make me feel more positive on the whole. There is far too much emphasis on physical appearance in our particular society - keep reminding yourself exactly how ridiculous this is! Just because 'society' dictates it, doesn't mean it's right. Screw them, I say.
I would recommend doing something you'd like to do but that is slightly outside your comfort zone. Do you have any ideas?
I have some self image issues, but they are getting better. Like goldensmom, I grew up listening to everyone talk about how pretty my sister was (and she is, she looks like Audrey Hepburn) while my parents and grandmother constantly put me on diets and tried to make me prettier. When that didn't work they decided I didn't exist. I was teased mercilessly in school, a victim of a violent crime and in some emotionally abusive relationships in my teens. I was quite a mess.
My role model as I tried to get over my body image issues is an elderly friend and neighbor of mine. She is 81 years old and stunningly beautiful. Her husband is 25 years younger than her and after 25 years of marriage still adores her. The man hangs on her every word. I have known her all of my life and men have always been attracted to her. Her beauty isn't physical, it's something inside. She projects such confidence and joy that you can't help but be drawn in. She isn't arrogant, but she loves herself.
As I started to like myself more, men started to like me more. I may not look like a supermodel, but I'm smart, funny, creative, interesting and, quite frankly way too cool for shallow, immature boys who need to prove their manhood with conquests. The kind of guys who judge women solely on looks kind of remind me of roosters strutting around and crowing for the ladies. It would be funny if it weren't so tragic. You don't want that kind of guy anyway.
The emotional shift that I think helped me the most was going from looking at guys and wondering if I was good enough for them to looking at them and wondering if they were a good fit for me.
I can attest to the fact that there are a lot of men out there who are not hung up on the TV standard of beauty. I know oodles and oodles of men who are in love with real women of all shapes and sizes. Don't let the little boys convince you that those men don't exist. I am happily married to one. My husband is stunningly beautiful and fiercely devoted to me and our children.
I can attest to the fact that there are a lot of men out there who are not hung up on the TV standard of beauty. I know oodles and oodles of men who are in love with real women of all shapes and sizes. Don't let the little boys convince you that those men don't exist. I am happily married to one. My husband is stunningly beautiful and fiercely devoted to me and our children.
Ditto to this! I have always felt that what makes a person "attractive" isn't their looks per se, but their sense of confidence - of just liking themself for who they are and how they look. It's best for the OP to "just be you" rather then some image that doesn't fit. Instead of concentrating your efforts and energies on "getting a man", try to focus on what YOU want to do. Make your life the way you want it - with or without someone in it - and do all and be all that YOU want. Women spend so much time and energy trying to figure out what they think some guy wants them to be like, that they lose themselves in the process - and come to feel that they aren't attractive. So work on yourself - your dreams and aspirations and desires - and gain the confidence to feel you are beautiful no matter how you look, or how you dress, or how you act, or what you do. Maybe some guy will come allow, maybe not, but in anycase you are living your life for yourself and not just trying to be some mere reflection of what you think a man will want you to be and look like.
Men are attracted, and I mean genuinely attracted, to women who make them feel good. Yeah, they will watch a pretty girl walk by or give the ol' up and down to the hot figure, but by and large those women are forgotten within 10 seconds. If you can convey to someone that you enjoy being with them they will be attracted to you.
As Stella mentioned, this takes someone who is confident as insecure people are just too wrapped up in themselves to really give much energy and attention to someone else. And I don't know you at all so please take this for what it's worth, but I generally find perfectionists to be very tiring. Even if they think they are only being hard on themselves, they aren't. It's easy to extrapolate their self critical dialogue to yourself and quite frankly that is a huge turnoff.
I hope you can get to a place where you find some peace of mind and self acceptance. Once you really start to accept yourself, you will be able to accept other people and that is Sex Appeal 101.
Excellent posts Spartana and Anne Lee!
Hi everyone, when I posted this it was directly after being rejected (a friend out of state invited me to visit, and when I got back home he didn't think that a "long distance relationship would work"). This came at the end of a time of being single following a terrible relationship and breakup. I know that we shouldn't derive our self worth from others, but being cheated on did a number to my self-esteem and made me question whether I'm attractive enough, which I think is natural on some level. Then to have the out of state guy say what he did hurt really badly (but it was well within his rights and shouldn't have been a surprise).
But something funny happened last weekend - I met someone new out of the blue. He is honestly one of the most attractive men I have ever seen and he thinks I'm beautiful too. I'm focusing on making the most of my looks before I get ready to go out with him, and then trying to forget about them and just be funny and fun to be around. After just a few dates, he's already twice the man than my cheating ex boyfriend was. This is something I'll need to keep working on, obviously, but I wanted to thank you for your kind words and let you know that I'm at a better place right now.
This sounds crazy but I have a really funny feeling about this guy, that he may be "the one."
I can NOT shake the constant feeling and belief that I am ugly. It is what it is, everyone can't be a model. The problem is that I actually feel like less of a woman because I'm not attractive. I think and feel that if I was more attractive, I would have someone (boyfriend, husband, etc) to love me. I've tried throwing myself into my work, my hobbies, and my health and tuning out television, movies, magazines, etc, but the nagging feeling won't go away. I feel inadequate.
Does anyone else struggle with this? I'm at my wits end. How can I learn not to let this bother me? I am currently on medication for depression as well.
Yeah, every so often I get my mother's voice in the back of my head, from high school, telling me I was ugly. Yes, she actually came right out and said it. Upon much reflection, it appears I didn't fit what her "ideal" was - aka a woman has to wear a "face." I'm on the low maintenance end. I slouch some from being extremely well-endowed (I can blame that on HER genetics! :P)
I truly sympathize on the guy front. I'm in the same boat. I'm 42 and it's helped take immense pressure off myself when I accepted I'll not have any kids (I was diagnosed with very severe endometriosis more than 20 years ago). If a guy comes into my life, it happens. If not, I've got plenty going on myself. Frankly, at this point, I don't know how I'd even fit a guy into my life until after the beginning of the year!
Oops, it helps to read the entire thread before posting...
Porcelain, glad you've met someone. Have fun!
This sounds crazy but I have a really funny feeling about this guy, that he may be "the one."
That doesn't sound crazy to me at all. I knew DH was the one the minute I met him. I know a lot of people who felt that way.
That doesn't sound crazy to me at all. I knew DH was the one the minute I met him. I know a lot of people who felt that way.
I am glad to hear you say this - I told my best friend and she thinks that I'm off my rocker. I don't intend on rushing to the courthouse or anything, I just get a feeling about this man that he's going to end up being my husband :)
Hi everyone, when I posted this it was directly after being rejected (a friend out of state invited me to visit, and when I got back home he didn't think that a "long distance relationship would work"). This came at the end of a time of being single following a terrible relationship and breakup. I know that we shouldn't derive our self worth from others, but being cheated on did a number to my self-esteem and made me question whether I'm attractive enough, which I think is natural on some level. Then to have the out of state guy say what he did hurt really badly (but it was well within his rights and shouldn't have been a surprise).
But something funny happened last weekend - I met someone new out of the blue. He is honestly one of the most attractive men I have ever seen and he thinks I'm beautiful too. I'm focusing on making the most of my looks before I get ready to go out with him, and then trying to forget about them and just be funny and fun to be around. After just a few dates, he's already twice the man than my cheating ex boyfriend was. This is something I'll need to keep working on, obviously, but I wanted to thank you for your kind words and let you know that I'm at a better place right now.
This sounds crazy but I have a really funny feeling about this guy, that he may be "the one."
I think it's very great that you met someone but try not to get too wrapped up in the "he's the one" thing. He may just be interested in casually dating you and sp[ending tinme getting to know you - nothing more in the beginning. Most men don't spend their time fanticizing about marriage and a future together with a woman they just met. You don't even know if he ever wants to get married or have a long term relationship yet. Unfortunately women seem to take what is (and should be IMHO) a casual dating experience with someone new and blow it ino some kind of life altering idealized future life together when they barely know the person. It takes time to know someone - really know someone - and hoping for some romantized version of your dream life together based on a few dates in nothing but lust and attraction IMHO. Just relax, have fun and get to know the guy before even thinking about where it may lead. And don't worry so much about your looks, men are attracted to women who are comfortable with themselves. I can tell you that I have had many more men VERY interested in me when I am at my most casual than when I am dressed to the nines like some Barbie-Doll.
editted to add: I also think it's important to let the person you are dating know what you want. If you are just looking for a casual relationship - even a monogamous one - but don't intend to get married (that's me!) then you should let them know fairly soon. If you are really focused on marriage and/or children then you should probably let them know that you aren't looking for just a casual relationship. I don't think there is anything wrong with just stating, in a casual way, that you hope to someday marry and have children. Because I have a somewhat unusual lifestyle (lots of travel for long periods of time, male friendships, very non-traditional about gender roles) and don't want to get married again, I am always VERY upfront about that when I first meet someone. I don't want to lead someone around if he really is looking for a marriage or commitment minded woman. Of course I'm not saying I wouldn't be in a comminted relationship with someone if we shared the same values and, most importantly, the same lifestyle, but I'm not willing to compromise on those things.
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