View Full Version : taking authority really is hard for me I guess
Whew it was a day. I am just having my a-ha moment about what happened after a craptastic day.
Okay quick background, I am doing summer camp, I have a morning and and afternoon lead and 14 staff total with almost 80 kids. Every week we do a field trip. The morning staff gets the kids checked in and ready, afternoon comes early and everyone goes to the field trip. Soooo, today the afternoon lead was really rude/insubordinate and I had a crappy time for about half the day honestly. I had a REAL hard time putting my finger on this and making the entire thing more simple.
My a-ha after a few hours was that she was totally out of line in how she spoke to me in front of other staff and I did not respond in kind. I felt like crap the rest of the dy because i didnt' assert authority by putting peace and respect above asserting authority at that moment, and also lost a good amount of my own peace for many hours. Of course working with kids you cannot stay grumpy at a petting zoo/outdoor park. I am kinda questioning my choice, I would say a LOT of it was total confusion about what she was upset over. I think I got it!!!
I honestly think she misunderstood what had been done already. Before the afternoon staff got there at 830 we had checked in all kids, got the field trip t-shirt on them and had them apply sunscreen. I had the entire group in the gym and just needed the list to separate them by teacher. When I went to get it she snapped that it was chaos and I couldn't have it yet. The first field trip was more like that, 2nd day of camp and we didn't know exactly what we were doing. One reason I changed things was her feedback. So this morning she started going through the t-shirts for kids that were not attending that week and asking if there was any organization. There was, we used that organization to put them on ALL the kids before the afternoon staff even got there. In fact all that was left to do was follow the grid of who had which students and go to the bus. For some reason having a decent guess as to why she was upset helps me go ahead and talk to her.
Sooo I guess I am lookin gfor some validation that waiting and cooling off rather than snapping right back at her was a wise choice, and it gave me time to let things bubble until I figured out what might be the problem. Still not cool, but more workable. And I am thinking that part of the talk should be how I expect her to help do her part to deal with the rift between morning and afternoon staff.
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Sooo I guess I am lookin gfor some validation that waiting and cooling off rather than snapping right back at her was a wise choice, and it gave me time to let things bubble until I figured out what might be the problem. Still not cool, but more workable. And I am thinking that part of the talk should be how I expect her to help do her part to deal with the rift between morning and afternoon staff.
You don't gain anything with the group (well, generally) by responding in kind to snark. Talk to her later about her snark, and privately-- that's ok. No one in a group is impressed by leaders who simply outshout their subordinates.
You don't gain anything with the group (well, generally) by responding in kind to snark. Talk to her later about her snark, and privately-- that's ok. No one in a group is impressed by leaders who simply outshout their subordinates.
I agree with this. I think you handled it correctly.
thank you, that helps with the advice I get to 'not let them walk over me'. Still not looking forward to this, thanks
Your lead line, "taking authority" intrigued me. My first thought was - taking it where... or from whom? I'm wondering how it might be possible for you to not take things personally when a coworker expresses frustration, and view it instead as a signal that she's confused and needs information.
If you're feeling called to an action that you're not looking forward to, perhaps pay attention to that meta-message, and re-think the action. If you're not looking forward to it, neither will the person you're addressing, and what you'll end up with are strained relationships, not understanding, which never makes things better. How can you re-frame your message to invite the person into re-thinking the way you work together? How can you invite her into sharing what most frustrated her, and as a supervisor, help her think through what other approaches may be more effective?
Thwacking someone for "insubordination" will shut them down really fast, and earn you the label of a supervisor who cannot be approached. That's nearly impossible to un-do. Is this how you want to start the summer with her and your other staff? How can this be a moment to build relationship and regard for your staff? By turning this around - which depends upon you not taking it personally - you'll build rapport and confidence with staff. Get some support from someone who knows how to do this if it feels overwhelming.
Here's a book I'd like to recommend:
Quiet Leadership: Six Steps to Transforming Performance at Work, by David Rock
From the back cover:
"Improving the performance of your employees involves one of the hardest challenges in the known universe: changing the way they think."
It's an interesting book. One of the shifts it might support you in is making the leap from being an authority to becoming a leader. I'd recommend finding a mentor in this regard as well, as no one is born into that knowing, and you deserve it!
Thank you red, I am still working on the 'not taking it personally' but it is a struggle. I have in previous things this summer collected ideas from her and others and then made a decision for the site. We have 14 staff from all over so it is work to mesh it. I could see the reasoning behind not understanding what we were doing I just am feeling beat up from being on the recieving end of this in so many areas of my life. Some times I just want to make a decision and actually have people do it. I have a lot of tasks during the week and right now I am finding several of them re-done while I am not at the site. Not feedback on why it doesn't work for others, not suggestions about what could work better, just walk in the next day and something is completely done over. Then this explosion, I just need to find out what is going on.
And thanks for the advice on a book., I am calmer and realize one person having an issue out of 14+ staff does not mean I necessarily need a management overhaul.
I second the suggestion of "Quiet Leadership." You may bristle at the suggestion, but far from being a management style overhaul, it simply helped me in both my personal AND professional lives by leveraging my compassion and my innate strengths. I feel people respect my (well thought-out) decisions now more.
Would it help to have a brief 2-3 minute staff meeting right when the afternoon staff arrive to tell them what has already been done and what next steps are? Sounds like she was frustrated because she thought things hadn't been done that had been, and maybe you were frustrated because you knew they had been done (but didn't have a chance to tell her that before things blew up). Seems like something a quick "here is where we are, here is what needs to be done" caucus would have saved everyone time and frustration. You can't expect people to know by osmosis what you have been taking care of while they weren't around.
And I think direct communication, as quickly as possible, about why things are being redone is both appropriate and necessary. Try to do it in a non-confrontational way, that recognizes their attempts to improve on your systems -- take it from a postive rather than a negative angle so you don't appear to be on a power trip. Maybe something simple like "I've noticed you've made x y and z changes to the system I suggested -- can you tell me more about why you did that and how it is working out? We need to keep within the district policies and rules that govern our program, but if you have figured out a better way to handle things within that framework, I'd love to know more about it. If it is really working better, maybe we can implement your ideas across the program." Then follow up the discussion with an affirmation of what they have done (assuming it is good/worthwhiel) and a reminder like "By the way, in the future if you want to make a change like this please talk with me first. I am very supportive of staff taking initiative to improve the program, but I am responsible for the program overall and want to be informed so that if any parents or someone in management asks me about why things have changed from the original design I can give them an informed and thorough answer."
The book red and pug recommend sounds great -- I will have to read it, as I am preparing to take on more managerial responsibilities in my own job, some of which may present some challenges.
lhamo
Oh, something else to possibly consider. Is there any chance that this lead teacher may have applied for your position and not gotten it? That could lead to considerable resentment and undermining behavior. This came to mind because I was once in a position where I had been in charge of an afterschool program, went on summer break (went to Europe on a school trip and spent all my cash reserve) and came back to find they had hired someone new for my position and essentially demoted me and reduced my hours by roughly 1/3. No discussion of inadequate performance on my part, or that they needed to make a change. It was quite a blow to both my ego and my finances. I kept working there because in other ways it was a good gig, and I actually developed a really good and supportive relationship with the woman they brought in, but if I had not made a real effort to separate the management decision from the working relationship it could have been really ugly. Not sure if there is anything proactive you can do if something like this is going on, but might be good to be aware of the back history.
lhamo
rodeosweetheart
7-1-11, 8:08pm
Thanks for the book suggestion about Quiet Leadership. I am going to look into it, because I feel I need a boost in that department and am feeling a little burnt out and bedraggled lately, and this might be something that will help me--I'm finding it's hard to be a good leader when you are feeling overworked, and like you can never catch up. Seems like everyone I talk to feels this way these days, since so many of us are doing much more now than a few years ago, due to budgetary cuts.
Thank you all, I had a chunk of time to think while my internet was down.
I think that (even though I have not read these books yet) that they are talking more about a style of management I have as compared to an authoritative style. It isn't that I love big authority, it is that I feel no confidence/competance in what I do. I have people here saying 'oh no, don't let them make decisions or take control, see how they treat you when you do' and so I think i did something wrong to cause this all. Maybe not, I really react to when someone has an issue with me honestly. I can't always be the most liked person and be the boss, but I usually am liked reasonably.
So I talked to her and she admitted to being very stresed out when she walked in and saw 'chaos' (her impresion of the situation). I explained that everything was done and what she saw was the aftermath of getting every kid ready for the field trip. She visibly relaxed at that. I didn't go the route of 'you have no right to change the work of your supervisor' and instead told her why I did what I do with our card system and that it takes me 1-2 hours each week to set it up for differing kids. She still thinks there is an issue which I just don't think can be that big of a deal but we did work out a way to make it work for both of us. I really think that during the school year these staff need to do one shift a month at another site. They have not idea how different they all do things, and I manage multiple sites so I am used to small things being different everywhere.
The biggest message I gave was that she does not need to be in charge of it all, that is my job. She just need to take her 4-6 kids on the field trip and have fun. Really. I am handling the t shirts and sunscreen and permission slips and parent calls and emergency medications. And that it has felt very tense which is not good and can't keep going on. We struggle to have time to talk with the tight schedule we keep, the overlap between morning and afternoon staff is while we are supervising lunch at the park and our 'theme team' is out setting up for afternoon. I have worked hard to get staff to not 'clump' so they spread out and watch kids so I can't see pulling a staff meeting then. I use a lot of notes in the communication log.
Anyway thanks for listening to all this. I know that if my issue is really confidence then my questions don't always make sense.
ZG I think your approach, from the beginning, has been right on.
You looked at this problem from the point of view of accomplishing the work. You analyzed the situation that your employee possibly changed the work because she thought it didn't accomplish a necessary goal. You were open to her suggestions about the work, if that's what it came down to, but you wanted her to understand that you (and others) DID in fact have a system to accomplish the work.
If you keep focus on the work, as you have, rather than focus on feelings or "power trips" or other nebulous things, you are doing the job.
There may come a time when you and your employee have a difference of opinion about how to accomplish the work, and in that case, you exert authority which simply means "we will try it my way because I think that's likely to succeed, but if it does not, I will consider your suggestion as to how to accomplish the work."
Always, always, bring the focus of the discussion to The Work.
ZG I think your approach, from the beginning, has been right on.
You looked at this problem from the point of view of accomplishing the work. You analyzed the situation that your employee possibly changed the work because she thought it didn't accomplish a necessary goal. You were open to her suggestions about the work, if that's what it came down to, but you wanted her to understand that you (and others) DID in fact have a system to accomplish the work.
If you keep focus on the work, as you have, rather than focus on feelings or "power trips" or other nebulous things, you are doing the job.
There may come a time when you and your employee have a difference of opinion about how to accomplish the work, and in that case, you exert authority which simply means "we will try it my way because I think that's likely to succeed, but if it does not, I will consider your suggestion as to how to accomplish the work."
Always, always, bring the focus of the discussion to The Work.
+1
Well stated, IL!
Thank you Iris, that was really helpful and thanks for taking the time to spell it out. When I get my doubts it is great to have information to look back at like your post.
Can I again put in my plug for years of meditation. I have to say that one of the only reasons I am sane is this practice. And I get plenty of Christian messages to encourage me differently so I have to now and then say that what i practice DOES work, it reduces the reactionary actions, focuses on aspects that are not just self centered and basically makes me a whole lot calmer (btw i think that any religion can meditate, or no religion at all). So there, I had a discussion with my counselor and something came up that made her say that it is pretty amazing that I am this calm and have not made a giant drama of my life. But on the flip side being very aware of my factors that could create chaos has made me self conscious about my actions in all areas.
Another thing to think about long term is if you are management material. I had several jobs where I quickly rose to the top to a management position. I moved up I think because I was very reliable, a self starter, always learned everything I need to know to do the job well etc. But, I am a pretty quiet introverted person. After the third such job, which I always ended up hating, I just said no when they offered. I probably didn't make quite as much money, although I would debate that. I know one salaried position I always got called to work the floor, because I didn't get any more money and if they called someone else they would be at least time and 1/2. I was much happier when not being the manager. YMMV
Simpler at Fifty
7-4-11, 5:11pm
Aquablue I think that is a very good point. I was listening to a radio show about entrepreneurs and the one guy said not everyone is a good manager. That was geared more toward doing the things you love to do as an entrepreneur and hiring out the rest. I have seen over and over again with my employer that someone gets a leader role because they lead one project and handled it great. But when it came down to doing it every day with many other people, they did not handle it well. By then unless the person is 'big' enough to say 'this is too much for me' it becomes a lose lose for everyone.
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