just don't like doing things by myself

[Zoe Girl]

Not anymore, not after 7 years as a single mom. I am afraid it makes me sound very needy but I don't really care. And it is stupid stuff, like going to the grocery store with someone (not one of my kids) and doing yard work and cooking things. Even today, I had to make a call because on my weekend job I got scheduled even though I requested time off for my vacation and I don't even like doing that alone anymore.

So I have a great boyfriend who has some things he needs to take care of legally and in other ways so we are not looking at living together or anything else yet. He may live closer when his lease is up in August but that is it. Now he is traveling out of town every week for most of the week until further notice because someone in his company was in a very bad accident and that makes it even harder. If I didn't have him and that potential I would go back to looking for another single mom roomate or friend to live with us because I am at that point. The last person i tried this with did not work out very well.

So hmm, we tend to be really independant people here who when given the choice want to be alone rather than with others. I have been around a long time and have seen so many posts about if friends are even necessary. Does anyone get concerned about the daily isolation of many modern americans and consider doing something really different to deal with it?

[rodeosweetheart]

Zoe, I think if I were single at this point, with my 3 kids grown up, I might look around for an intential co-housing situation, pref. with a little cottage and a communal garden, communal stables, communal pool--doubt that exists, but what the heck.

I would also like to up my friend numbers and do more things with female friends, too. Maybe a meal coop were we grocery shop together and each cooks a meal for 7 families once a week. Or communal cooking. Hm. I guess I could start something like that!

[bagelgirl]

I was also a single mom for seven years and had zero family around for support. It felt overwhelming at times. I never tried the roommate route because I was pretty sure it wouldn't work for me.

But I would just like to make one observation. This boyfriend is "great" but really he isn't currently available for a significant other for the long haul. And I'm guessing that is what you would like. Who wouldn't? So can I gently suggest you also keep looking around for that special guy? I would just hate to see you tie yourself up for years if the real thing won't be forthcoming from that quarter.

[Valley]

Zoe,
I think that living "alone" with the kids is so much more difficult than really living alone. It is almost like the worst of both worlds. After a divorce, I lived alone with my 2 sons for 5 years before I remarried. It was hard and very, very lonely at times. I remarried and my new husband died unexpectedly 5 years after we married. By then, my sons were pretty much on their own. I lived totally alone for 6 years. I really enjoyed it for the most part, and learned things about myself that I never knew! I bought a house and decorated it my way...after work I made what I wanted for dinner...I took a few cruise vacations with my long time girlfriend... I went to singles' dances...and fell asleep on the couch beside the fireplace if I wanted. I was whole once again. I ceased to be needy for someone else...and then found the man I married 2 years ago. The process wasn't easy...but it was necessary for me to become the person I always had the potential to be. Please resist waiting for your "white knight" to make it all better. Take some time to get your chldren on track and raised, and learn everything you can about yourself. I don't want to preach to you...I just want to help you get through a very difficult time without trying to escape all that you must go through to be the person you are!

[ApatheticNoMore]

Yes, get a roommate, i.e. live with another adult if you prefer it.


And it is stupid stuff, like going to the grocery store with someone (not one of my kids) and doing yard work and cooking things. Even today, I had to make a call because on my weekend job I got scheduled even though I requested time off for my vacation and I don't even like doing that alone anymore.

Still this is coming off as very extreme. Do you think you can't handle things alone? Desire for human company, and yes daily adult human company, is natural. But experiencing doing anything alone as bad just reads as maybe that's not all that is going on here.

I guess if you are lonely enough it gets hard to even tell, but realistically even with a roommate you may still end up gardening alone, shopping alone, making phone calls alone etc.., you do have to feel capable of doing this.

Yes I find it hard not to be isolated in American society ..... I am alone a lot more than I would like to be. Still I do try to build up my inner strength and ability to handle things, yea alone, if need be.

[Zoe Girl]

Oh yes, well this is my low point really. I was getting to the point to move way forward with my boyfriend and feel good about that since I have spent the 7 years focusing on my kids and me and choosing only quality relationships. Well he went so far before realizing he had more to deal with than he thought. So this is the limbo stage where it is too early to say he is not dealing with his stuff or not able to do it and walk off, but he still has work to do.

I CAN handle things alone, I have for 7 years. By the time our hose foreclosed I had not friends in the neighborhood because I worked so many hours. My kids had a few friends left, the local schools loved me as a sub teacher but year after year passed me over for permanent job interviews, it was time to go. I just would like not to so much. I see women who have friends they do all sorts of things with, shop, hang out, go to movies, whatever. It has been years and years since I have had the time to do that. I think I am just overdone and really looking at how I want to slowly make changes for my future. If my bf is not able to handle what he needs to then I want to make sure I am not isolated again (but I hope and support him taking care of things)

[loosechickens]

Over the years, I've found myself often concerned about friends who sound like your OP. Because when you are in that vulnerable position, it's all too easy to ignore real problems in boyfriends or girlfriends, out of a wish to be "together" with someone. Yet, many can tell you that the loneliest you can ever be in your life is sometimes when you are with another person. there is a special loneliness that comes when you've chosen hastily, or overlooked problems in a relationship in order to have one, when you realize that you can be lonely sitting in a room with or doing any activities with that person.

So, guess, if you're feeling this way, by all means, reach out and try to make other adult friends, look into something like co-housing, or even a roommate, befriend someone else who needs a friend, to do things with, work on why you seem to feel somehow incomplete as a single person handling things on your own.....whatever it takes.

But, beware, because if you are entering into and maintaining love relationships under these conditions, you are likely to overlook lots of red flags, square peg/round hole situations out of neediness. No other person can EVER complete us in any way, and in the end, we come into this world and go out of this world alone, and unless we are content inside when alone, we can never really be content no matter how many others we try to bring into our lives.

It sounds like this is a hard time for you, but looks like a time of some danger as well, looking from the outside, so be careful, and try to find some people to do some activities with that do not involve love relationships, etc., of you may regret it later. JMHO

[mm1970]

So hmm, we tend to be really independant people here who when given the choice want to be alone rather than with others.

Not me. I'm a people person. Totally.

[puglogic]

I like a mix of together-with-people time, alone time, out-in-a-group-time, one-on-one time, etc. It helps me stay balanced.

Have you thought about working harder at making friendships with other women in your neighborhood or finding a social group that doesn't involve a romantic entanglement? It's been very hard for me as an introvert, but I've been working at cultivating women friends and am finding that quality of "company" really wonderful.

I'm not worried about our society becoming isolated, not personally. I see that as a choice that people make, or a choice to avoid the hard work of developing a social group, and it's not for me to decide for anyone how they should live.

[Simpler at Fifty]

My concern with a roommate is that you think the person would want to do things with you. I had a roommate but we did not go to the store together, etc. We were friends when we moved in together and friends when we parted but we were able to live independent and not have to cling to one another. I would look at a person that wanted me to do things together (a lot) as very needy. That might be why the last one did not work out. If you have a friend now, I would guess they would be available if you wanted to hang out once in a while.

I was alone for many years and when I got married 8 yrs ago DH had a job where he worked shift work. One week day shift and the next 2nd shift. I looked forward to time alone when he worked 2nd shift. He has since become disabled and I truly miss not having time for myself. He needs to the TV on all the time and I used to sit in quiet when he was working. It is a struggle for me now.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I'm not worried about our society becoming isolated, not personally. I see that as a choice that people make, or a choice to avoid the hard work of developing a social group, and it's not for me to decide for anyone how they should live.

It's incredibly hard to even find anyone who even has time for that. Everyone is so busy. If they're not busy climbing the ladder and raising a family, they're busy saving the world .... (not that the world doesn't need saving and all, of course it does).

[Stella]

Does anyone get concerned about the daily isolation of many modern americans and consider doing something really different to deal with it?

A friend of mine was just talking to me about this same kind of thing. She is a single mom and she gets really lonely sometimes too. If anything I sometimes have the opposite problem. In the summer socializing is practically my full time job. I love it, but there are days it gets tiring. I have spent most of this long weekend with people. Friday we had my friend Mary (the single mom) over. We were supposed to go to another friend's house, but that friend's sister was in an accident, so she just hung out with my family. Saturday I took my girls strawberry picking and they made a party out of it, talking to the kids picking on either side of us and drawing us all into a group. In the evening I went to my friend Martha's house along with other friends, Molly and Cherry. Cherry, who is half Chinese, taught us to make egg rolls. Today we had a party for 25 people and afterwards had our neighbors over to play chess. Even now, as I am home "alone" I am with my DH, Dad and four kids.

My friend is taking a part-time job at the Rennaisance Festival with a friend of hers to try to meet more fun and interesting people.

I live in a unique place. My neighborhood was designed in the 1960s to promote community and I have lived here off and on since I was a year old, so I already know a lot of people here. There is a small town feel to this place even though I live in a first ring suburb and could walk to Minneapolis from here.

Community building and hospitality are kind of a hobby of mine. The best advice I can give you is just to invite people to do things and start building relationships. Start a book club or just invite people for coffee or to watch movies at your house. Invite some women you know out to a nice bar with a patio and sit out and have a drink. If you have a hobby in common, maybe do something with that. Organize a hike or have a craft night.

I hope you find what you are looking for Zoe!

[Zoe Girl]

I think if I had someone who wanted to EVERYTHING together that would be hard too, it is just way out of balance the other way right now. I tend to be a very independant person which is probably why I am in this position. So I want to add in some more 'get together' time, and I am expanding my social circle by baby steps, but I am not so worried about overlooking red flags and jumping into something too fast since I was alone for 7 years and have been with my bf for a year now. He has some things to work on but I don't have any red flags here. It is actually a very good sign to me that we both realize that he has things to work on so we are slowing things to a pace that makes sense for that.

But today is turning out to be a good day. My bf came over for a short BBQ time and the kids all just helped me clean up the yard a little. We have a HUGE elm tree that drops branches, even more in storms, and there are holes in the yard and barely any grass growing. I just want some patches where I can walk without shoes for this summer and that is work. It was nice to not do all the yard work alone and we got a lot done in just 30 minutes.

[Valley]

I'm glad that you had a good day today! It is good for your soul.

[puglogic]

It's incredibly hard to even find anyone who even has time for that. Everyone is so busy. If they're not busy climbing the ladder and raising a family, they're busy saving the world .... (not that the world doesn't need saving and all, of course it does).

Then again, that's the choice they make: ladder over solid relationships. Saving the world over saving your own sanity. Watching TV over cultivating friendships. It can be hard but rewarding work to build a social safety net for ourselves. It's all part of an individual's set of choices, is all I was trying to say.

[bagelgirl]

Totally with puglogic on this one. We all make time for what we want.