How much do I owe other people who write to me?

[kitten]

I'd love your advice - I have a job (in radio) where I get a lot of email from people. I get letters from people of all ages and both genders. Often the question or comment is about the music we play or some other aspect of the program, and I can address it quickly and politely and we're all good. No further contact, and I can get back to work.

Other people write me addictively, and it's really starting to get me down. I know I'm not handling this correctly, so I would like some advice about it.

I'm a youngish female and I sound friendly and relatable on the air (it's why I was hired). My avid correspondents have a few characteristics in common. They tend to be older gentlemen, and they're lonely. Often they'll just blurt it out. "I'm lonely since my kids left and my dog died. The fireplace gives me comfort, but it's summer so I can't use it right now. The only thing that helps is listening to your voice."

Sad and creepy, right? Multiply that letter by a hundred. I've been dealing with this stuff ever since I started my current job. I tend to start my jobs wanting to communicate with the audience as soon as possible. To the extent I can, I want to follow up somehow on whatever it is my on-air persona seems to be promising. It's part of marketing, it's good for the station. I want to be nice to our "fans."

But I realized (quite late I guess, and much later than most people in this biz) that you can't deliver what your persona seems to be promising. These lonely old guys seem to feel that because they can hear my voice, I'm already in their lives. And that's how they communicate - like they've known me forever.

They feel I need to know intimate details of their lives, that I should be available for real-time back-and-forth emailing every day hour after hour, that I should attend their art openings, Marxist meetings and nudist camp events, that I should meet their wives, that I should meet their daughters, that I should enjoy receiving pictures of naked women from them (one is a photographer who specializes in nudes and driftwood), and on and on.

These days I'm really depressed about this. On the one hand I represent the station, and I have to be polite. And when the guys try to draw me into increased correspondence, I feel bad about just cutting them off. Even when I respond with a friendly one-sentence reply, they keep coming back with more questions.

What kind of a normal person would assume that a voice they hear on the radio is someone they actually know or should know? Even back in the day when I was a kid listening to jocks on the radio, I never in a million years would have started writing to them, expecting them to be my friend. And these guys aren't kids. My target demo seems to be 60+. What goes wrong in the heads of these chaps? It's strange, becaue they tend to be smart guys, who've had good careers. They're articulate and have functioned well. To me it seems like they suddenly go nuts and snap - start fantasizing about something that doesn't even exist. It feels nutty to me.

I feel sad. What is wrong with our society that contributes to such desperation? or what is wrong with the conditions of life itself, that these insanely lonely people can't find any comfort in the people around them and actual pursuits they could have? I'm terrified of old age myself. I'm thinking this is what I'm headed for...nothing but the radio to keep me company, and a fantasy of an inaccessible person in my head. I think the crux of it is that I feel GUILTY for not being able to give these people what they want. And there's a vague shadowy thing in the back of my mind, an ongoing fear that because I'm dangling something impossible in front of them, I'm in for retaliation on a massive scale any day now. So I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Just feeling sad about it today, and about life in general. Your input would be welcome.

[shadowmoss]

Not quite the same, but having a blog is kind of the same way. I don't have a lot of readers, but there is a small group that we all read each others' blogs and comment. I have on a couple of occassions posted longish posts on being down here in Honduras, and one of the guys will make some comment that hurts my feelings, like I'm not being entertaining enough. One I wrote a longish description of walking while on a visit to the city and explained that my camera battery was dead so no pictures and that most of the restaurants in the area I felt safe to be alone in are actually American chains (Denny's, Dunkin Donuts...) He said 'You won't ever be accused of being a photo journalist. If it was me... ' and detailed all the great stuff he would do implying that I'm stupid/scared/whatever for not doing it myself. Comments from folks who really know me in real life I understand. This guy doesn't know me except from my blog. So, I end up wondering what kind of personality I actually project on the blog. I also wonder what kind of folks (me included) spend so much time reading blogs that those folks seem like close enough friends to make that kind of comment to. My excuse is that I'm so far away from my real-life friends. :)

Like I said, not really the same, but it's about finding yourself interacting with folks you wouldn't know 'in real life' in a manner that circumvents the normal avenues of getting to know each other before having a kind of relationship intimacy.

[Lainey]

kitten, what does your manager say? seems like their should be some kind of policy about this stuff, especially when it crosses the line into creepy.

[KayLR]

Not quite the same, but having a blog is kind of the same way. I don't have a lot of readers, but there is a small group that we all read each others' blogs and comment. I have on a couple of occassions posted longish posts on being down here in Honduras, and one of the guys will make some comment that hurts my feelings, like I'm not being entertaining enough.

When I first started at the newspaper and got my first hate email, my editor said to grow a thick skin...and "be happy at least they're reading!" That advice did help.

[KayLR]

@ kitten---I agree with Lainey.What advice does your program director/manager have?

I think I would be inclined simply to respond to all emails with a very generic response such as, "Thanks for writing. We value our listeners." Maybe include a promo for something coming up: "Be sure and listen next week when...." Or something to that effect which does not encourage serial writing.

[sweetana3]

Since there has been media, there have been "celebrities". You are now one. I like the generic responses (which is what all the stars sent or send).

[jp1]

Personally I'd recommend reading Gavin De Becker's "The Gift of Fear". He spends a lot of time talking about the warning signals for stalkers and people who may do you harm, vs. lonely people who aren't likely to harm you, as well as strategies for dealing with people. It doesn't sound like your current crowd contains anyone who will harm you, but since you're a celebrity now it's entirely possible that you may encounter someone in the future who will. Better to be prepared and recognize the signs early on.

[kitten]

Thanks for these great responses :)))

My manager is massively inept and incapable of action, making a decision or taking any kind of moral stance. He refuses to protect his employees, and it's just infuriating. I asked for security when I did a station appearance last year, and he refused to pay for it (although they gave me the card of a security guard that I could call who would be somewhere on the property that day. Fortunately didn't have to use it). My boss has also forbidden me to go to the general manager here - I did that once in the beginning, and I never heard the end of it. He sees it as going over his head. So problem solving at this place has been almost impossible.

I should say that most people who write me have something positive to say, which -though creepy - is better than the werid negative stuff. Some people out there are really in a bad place. They write directly to my bosses and demand that I be fired over a mispronunciation, for instance. Instead of protecting me from pathetic cyberbullies like this, my boss ALWAYS forwards these things to me as if I can learn something from them. Sometimes I can, if the criticism or suggestion is valid. But my boss can't distinguish from the bullies and the people who have a valid point. A good manager would step up and defuse this crap right away -delete the bully messages and never let me see them. But I see it all. Sometimes I wonder if he enjoys forwarding me baseless criticism. It seems passive-aggressive, like he's getting some kind of malicious kick out of it. OTOH, I'm his most-popular host and my daypart gets more listeners than any other, so he doesn't have a leg to stand on ;)

I appreciate the suggestions to give a boilerplate response to people. I'm verbal and I like to write and talk way too much, though, and an attack especially is something that is hard for me to let slide. I was bullied in school for years, and I never responded. I eventually learned how to defend myself verbally. (It happened in acting class in college - we were doing Shakespeare, and my professor said that the worst thing for any character in the Shakespearean world was to be caught having nothing to say for yourself. It clicked for me, became my philosophy of life in a way.)

So ever since I learned how to stick up for myself, it's become a reflex. Hard NOT to do it these days! So these pompous jerks will email me and complain about my music choices (I don't choose the music), or tell me I say "nice" too much, or claim they can't listen to me because I'm gasping, or they'll accuse me of being pretentious, or they'll accuse me of dumbing down. So it's hard not to engage them when I know they're wrong, and can easily prove it. And then I get involved in these long exchanges that go on and on...God!

But I'm taking what you say to heart. A pleasant stock response might be the way to go. And thanks again for the input! :)

[kitten]

Hi Jp1, I read that book in the 90s and loved it! I should probably read it again.

Just a side note - way before I got into radio, I was stalked by a guy in college who to this day hasn't let up. So he's been doing this for nearly 30 years. He did some hideous things back in the day, including shredding photos of me and mailing them to me, and putting a letter covered with blood in my mailbox. I went to court over him and got the first lifetime permanent restraining order ever awarded to anybody (yay!). It turned out to be locally unenforceable (LOL!) but it was a huge psychological victory for me. It deflated me that JUST THE OTHER DAY the guy sent me a message on Facebook on my birthday! I hadn't heard from him in years, really thought he had gone away. He's schizophrenic though, and we all know you can't legislate people like that out of your life unfortunately.

I do take reasonable precautions! (sigh)


Personally I'd recommend reading Gavin De Becker's "The Gift of Fear". He spends a lot of time talking about the warning signals for stalkers and


people who may do you harm, vs. lonely people who aren't likely to harm you, as well as strategies for dealing with people. It doesn't sound like your current crowd contains anyone who will harm you, but since you're a celebrity now it's entirely possible that you may encounter someone in the future who will. Better to be prepared and recognize the signs early on.

[Tradd]

Kitten, do you have friends in the industry at stations in other cities? If so, maybe pick their brains for what their boilerplate letters say. Some stations might even have a standardized response. You never know.

[fidgiegirl]

I vote even skipping the boilerplate, especially if it's turning into an exchange. I don't ever expect an actual response if writing somewhere like a radio station. Plus if it's a one-sided, "just wanted to let you know" kind of message, well, I feel email etiquette does not require (and even discourages) a response.

[kitten]

Hah, interesting. Thanks Fidgiegirl! - k.


I vote even skipping the boilerplate, especially if it's turning into an exchange. I don't ever expect an actual response if writing somewhere like a radio station. Plus if it's a one-sided, "just wanted to let you know" kind of message, well, I feel email etiquette does not require (and even discourages) a response.

[kitten]

Good idea Tradd! I'll find out. Thank you :)


Kitten, do you have friends in the industry at stations in other cities? If so, maybe pick their brains for what their boilerplate letters say. Some stations might even have a standardized response. You never know.