View Full Version : I feel trapped and depressed by this mortgage and house. Help.
gottabebetterway
7-14-11, 8:23am
Longtime reader and poster going anonymous for this one.
We signed refinance papers last night, and after the notary left, I sobbed alone in our bedroom. I feel so trapped by this house, so helpless. I don't know what to do.
We live in a metro area. My now-husband bought this house, an not-updated 1940s ranch, 1,100 sq. feet, 2 bed, 1 bath, in a cute neighborhood but terrible school district in 2007 for $225,000. We were dating at the time, but he was in a financial sense a single guy who, in his mid 30s, felt ready to buy a home. He wanted more space than an apartment, he wanted a yard, he liked the neighborhood; he picked his out on his own and intended to live here, at least in the short term, on his own. Plus, what did the schools really matter? It was 2007, people were buying and selling houses all the time, and if he did end up with a wife and kids down the road, he'd be able to sell this place and probably make a profit, too. He put 10 percent down and borrowed the rest at 6 percent interest.
Fast-forward to 2011.
We married, and for the first time in my life, in my mid 30s, I became a homeowner through marriage. We now have a two-year-old, and another due shortly. My husband makes a modest salary and I stay home full-time to care for our son. I stay home full-time because we both think it's the right choice for our child and because I pulled such crap salaries anyway, we both agree that the stress and chaos of me working full-time to basically cover the cost of day-care and gas is ridiculous.
We are able to pay the mortgage in full every month. And, lest what follows is about to sound like a whine (and it will), life is good -- happy marriage, healthy kid, simple living, simple tastes and activities (a day at the park is a good family day for us), grateful for roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
Obviously, he unwittingly bought at the very top of the market. There are houses slightly bigger and/or slighter nicer than ours selling in our neighborhood right now for $160,000 -- $65,000 less than he (and, by default, now we) paid ... and remember, these are houses that are slighter nicer/bigger, too. When the market crashed and it became clear we might be stuck here for at least 5 years (until son enters kindergarten, when school situation might force us to move, even at an awful loss), we decided to put $35,000 into the house in repairs.
We put on a new roof (desperately needed), replaced 50-year-old drafty, energy-wasting doors, we updated the out-of-date (and borderline dangerous) 1940s wiring, and we added a half-bath. The half-bath (all 15 sq. feet of it) was a little bit of a splurge, yes, but we have tons of family/guests who stay with us for days at a time, etc., and even if we lose a little on the half-bath in the long run, I am grateful for the occasional private place to pee. To get the $35,000, we borrowed $20,000 and paid $15,000 in cash.
Even before the reno, needless to say the house is underwater. Because we are underwater BUT could (and still can) make our payments fine and weren't at risk of default, we qualified for a refinance under Obama's HARP plan. Our bank reduced our interest to 5 percent. I was expecting lower, but took it. That's what we just signed.
While my husband's not the frugal warrior I am, we do fine. No car loans. No student loans. Pay off credit card in full every month. We make max contribution to his 401k every paycheck, and also put $750 into savings a month.
I just feel like he made an enormously bad decision buying this house. Obviously hindsight is 20/20 regarding what happened to the economy in 2007.
I feel so stuck.
I don't like the house -- it's not what I would have picked out for either location nor style reasons, and I am stuck living in a house someone else picked out.
And I don't like how it was financed -- Now that I know more about banks ... I never would have only put 10 percent down on a house, and resent him for doing so. I never would have bought a house at the top of my price range. I never would have bought a house thinking I'd sell it in a few years if needed. I never would have bought a house that needed work done unless it was a major steal.
And now, signing the refinance papers, which was my first experience with a closing, I saw for the first time what interest means over a 30-yr-mortgage. It's no steal. If we stayed in this dumb place for 30 years and paid the whole thing off, it'd be close to paying $400,000. How the hell is this different than buying a couch on a credit card and ending up paying almost 2x for the couch because of interest that collects month after month if you don't pay the card off?
If we must stay here longer than five years, his bad decision of 2007 will continue to extract its price, as we'll have to pay for private school kindergarten. The local public elementary is actually that bad -- gang problems in the 5th grade, etc.
I just don't know where to go from here. I feel like we're going to be trapped here forever. I feel like one bad decision/really bad timing is going to haunt us for decades. I feel a lack of control because I wasn't the one who signed up us for this. I am confident the next home we live in will be one we both like and one that is financed differently. But that next home just feels so far away. And here I am, hanging the laundry out to dry and shopping at Aldi, and when I look at those refinance papers, it almost (almost) feels so pointless. I am enormously frustrated, resentful, feel trapped, hopeless, etc., like there's this enormous albatross that keeps me from living the frugal/simple life the way I think it should be lived. Yes, I knew all this marrying him and no, don't regret marrying him. Like I said, he is otherwise financially responsible and I acknowledge this particular case did also involve some bad luck. I feel guilt over feeling so angry about the house.
Should I just accept I'm screwed for life with real estate? Should we walk away from this stupid place and rent something for half the price? I can't believe what a joke home ownership and mortgages are. I want to save a massive amount of money and buy a well-priced small house so that I can deal with borrowing from a bank as little as possible, if at all.
This is not my area of expertise, so I'm sure you will get comments from many other posters with far more experience in this area. But the first thing that came to my mind was, are you making a monthly mortgage payment or a bi-weekly mortgage payment? I know that when we switched from a monthly payment to a bi-weekly payment is shaved about 5 years off of our repayment schedule.
I just want to commiserate a little, because I feel exactly the same way--and here's where I might make you feel a tad better: you are young and I am... less young at 59 years old, facing "retirement age" with 24 years left on my $170,000 mortgage. PLUS, like you, I got snagged into my husband's questionable decisions, and as a result we also have a $60k HEL and a business loan of 80k which is attached to the house.
Not only that, but we also inherited a home that we have been unable to sell which is costing us $3500 because we had to evict the tenants after learning that they were making it very difficult for the real estate agent to show the house.
I, like you, feel like this is not who I am, but I'm here anyway. So this is how I deal with it.
--Accept what you can't change: You are there right now. FORGET ABOUT the $400,000 future interest you may or may not pay. Don't look at those numbers. Some days I just stare at my debt snowball--knowing that I get rid of that snowball and then I'm just STARTING on my mortgage paydown, just wanting to will it all away. But then I have to tell myself that time goes quickly and takes care of that (with a lot of hard work and sacrifice).
--Realize that you are not going to be in this situation forever. a) The real estate market IS going to recover--who knows when, but it will. b) Your decisions are not immovable--I know you have to stay settled for a couple of years, but who knows what opportunities will arise later? c) Because of your financial skills and simple living, you KNOW you won't be stuck with the mortgage for 30 years--you'll be paying it down as you can, saving yourself a lot of money in interest.
--EDITED TO ADD: One of the things that helps the most is the recognition that while I feel tremendously stuck (and resentful at times), I actually DO have choices. I CAN sell my house and start from square one. I CAN choose, instead, to pay month by month all of these horrible payments, which I do because I love my house. I raised my kids in it. But, truth is, I could let it go and start over. If you write down all the options you have, it tends to make you feel more free,
--Keep what you said in the FOREfront in your mind, not the background: "life is good -- happy marriage, healthy kid, simple living, simple tastes and activities (a day at the park is a good family day for us), grateful for roof over our heads and food in our bellies." That is your treasure to hold onto.
I know it's frustrating to feel like you have a ball and chain around your ankle, but just for today you have a husband you love and who loves you, a child you love and who loves you, a really put-together attitude about life, days in the park, and the chance to be home during the day with your child and not have to go sell out your life energy working to support the house. I know you know that--I didn't take your post as a whine. Just trying to lift that dark film for you....
When I want to tear my hair out looking at my big line graph showing my progress from $418,000 in debt declining in miniscule, but steady, progress, I just turn it off and go out in the backyard and play with the dog. Someday I will probably have to sell my house just for a little cash to retire on (and I mean a little cash), but that's OK. I have what I need today.
I view buying a house as a business transaction between a lender and a buyer. If a buyer makes a decision to walk away, then hey, business is business. I'm sure you'll feel a stigma if you do so, and likely some will look down on the decision, but the good news is that it's happening so much now that you might get more sympathy than glares.
If you do choose to go that route, you might want to choose a path based on your situation, if you're in a recourse state, and what you view as morally right. For example, one option might be to buy a second house and then simply stop making payments on the first. Or, continue to live in the house but no longer pay until it's foreclosed (on the one hand, this may seem like a scheme. on the other hand, a caretaker in the house may be preferable to a vacant house). If you do walk away from the house, your credit will take a beating but you should recover in 5-7 years (maybe sooner).. and I'd bet many lenders would let you buy a house well before that time if you're walking in with a substantial down payment. You could also explore a short sale. I would imagine a realtor could help with figuring out other possibilities.
As far as how buying a house is different than putting a major purchase on a credit card.... well, you're financing at an incredibly low fixed rate for an incredibly long period of time. In 50 years when you tell your kids about much your house payment was, they'll look at you like you're from another planet; just like we do when our parents tell us about their payments. Borrowing today's money at low rates and paying it back with future dollars is incredibly cheap.
10% down is actually fairly sensible financing. I mean, it's better than 0% down with a 20% second mortgage which was extremely common. For strategic reasons, when we bought this house (September 2010), we did 15% down and carried 5% on a second mortgage. We wanted to make sure we had a substantial cash buffer walking in just in case.
I would encourage you to work on the frustration and resentment. I know it's hard, but it's sounding like a setup for a fairly short-lived marriage otherwise.
Few thoughts:
- any chance of renting it out at a price that would cover your expenses on it? If you could do that perhaps you could rent a cheaper small place yourselves and save like crazy for a down payment on another house? Could you be the resident manager of a small apartment building to avoid paying rent?
- or, how much money would you have to pay on the mortgage to get to the point that if you sell it you wouldn't owe the bank anything and would have a 20% down payment for a modest house? I might be inclined to put less into savings and more into the mortgage to at least get to the point of not being underwater anymore
- home school your children for at least the first few years. I really can't see the point of paying for private school at that age. If you're home with the kids anyhow, the lowest grades are easy. I didn't go to real school until grade 2 and it didn't hinder me at all.
- where do you live and where does your husband work? Have you ever thought of doing something crazy like living in a camper parked on somebody's land for a few years and just save money like crazy? I know with two kids it would be difficult, but people have done worse. How about moving in with his or your parents for a while? I know it's something you don't want to do at your age, but this is a time to consider all possibilities.
- Also, make sure you have good talks with your husband about all of this. Does he know how resentful you feel? You should be brainstorming together for solutions. But without blaming the other person. You say you wouldn't have made those same decisions that he made, but do you know that 100% for sure? We all have great hindsight and dwelling on past mistakes will just make you more miserable.
- Do you do anything to make your house feel particularly homey? Sometimes you have to just force yourself to see the best of the situation. Any cheap decorating or decluttering you can do to make you feel more at home in this house.
- Do you track your net worth? Even if you're in the negative, seeing a visual graph of things improving might help you feel better. Every contribution to his 401K and every payment towards the debt are steps in the right direction. And saving $750 a month extra is a lot better than many Americans are doing. And no other credit - that's great!
Those are my random ideas. Hope some of that is helpful.
A few random thoughts about your situation -
It sounds like you might be looking for perfection and are forgetting that hindsight is 20/20. Sure knowing what you know now you probably would have made a better decision. But we do not have the luxury of knowing the future.
The day after signing a refi is not the time to reflect on what is now a commitment that is only 1 day old. That sounds like buyers remorse.
Sounds to me like you have a wonderful life and marriage all in all. Don't let financial issues mess that up. This will pass and a few years down the road it will be a non-issue.
This home will probably not be you last - use this experience to help you make better decisions in the future. Be cautious with long term financial decisions. Believe me, your situation is not that bad and given time will be even less so.
It is not a perfect world, sounds like you are doing great - celebrate!!
Peace
AmeliaJane
7-14-11, 9:47am
This is a really hard place to be in, both financially and emotionally. I think, looking at it from a little distance, that I would encourage you to try to address the emotional part first, because it will make sorting out the financial decisions much easier. I know you are very upset about this situation, but if there's any way you can get yourself to let go of the pain and anger, I think it will help. One partner bringing baggage (financial or otherwise) into a marriage is so very common--just on this forum we have heard about student loans, child support, credit card debt, and so forth. It absolutely isn't fair. But life is not fair, and being able to handle crises together and forgive each other's mistakes is so important to a healthy marriage. Your husband may not have made the decision you would have, but from all you've told us here, it wasn't unreasonable, underhanded etc. either.
The blessing here is that you are financially stable, and have some time to figure out solutions--whether you rent the house, or see if the market improves in another three years, or homeschool, or look around for a charter school of some kind, etc. etc. We're all here to help and advise, if you want it. But I think you will find it easier to do all those things if you give yourself a little break to work through the emotional stuff (which is maybe more intense given the pregnancy?) first.
We are all wishing you the best of luck from here...I know others will have more specific advice to give...
Miss Cellane
7-14-11, 9:52am
Your husband may have made the best decision he could based on the facts he had at the time. For a single guy, the house may have been, at the time of purchase, a wise move.
Please bear in mind that while it may take 30 years to pay off that mortgage, a lot can happen in 30 years. Your kids will get older and you will have time to get a job. Perhaps while you are home with the kids, you can look into courses or other training that would increase the pay you can get, or enable you to get a more enjoyable job once the kids are older. The housing market will change. Your DH might get raises or promotions or find a new job with better pay and benefits.
I think there are a fair number of us who aren't living the frugal/simple live the way we think it ought to be lived. We're stuck in jobs or houses or locations or other situations (disabled family member, child with learning disabilities, divorce, etc.) that are not what we would really chose. It makes things harder, but it doesn't make them impossible.
Man, I hear you. We thought we were smart, buying a house in 2008 after the housing crash had supposedly happened. Now the thing is worth less than half what we paid, which is maybe like a 5th of what it was at the peak. I'm pretty sure anyone who bought at the peak has long since foreclosed (AZ is a non-recourse state). We also thought we were smart to get a VA loan...which basically means we don't enjoy the same "non-recourse" policy as the rest of the home-owners in the neighborhood, so strategic default would mean we'd still have to pay but our credit would also be trashed. Like you, we are able to pay the mortgage even with one income. Like you, I question the decision every day, though in my case DH and I were already married. And like you, we really don't want to be in this house (in our case, or city or state) but we. are. stuck. with. this. house. :(
It totally sucks. I can't say I've never been angry at DH, since he was the one who wanted to buy right away rather than rent first when we moved here. I can't say he's never been angry at me since it was my idea to move here. But yes, you have to let it go. It is what it is, which is a phrase I find myself repeating frequently. Things that help are knowing there's a LOT of people (and even some simple-livers!) who are in the same boat. I look at historical accounts of the Great Depression and think OK, things are not that bad and also, all those people were caught in the macro events of their time and it sucked then, too. You have control over individual decisions like saving money, choosing simple activities, etc but you do not have control over economic cycles or the Federal monetary policy. This isn't even just a national issue-stuff like this happened all over, in Europe, Australia, etc. This goes way beyond your husband's individual decision to buy a house where, when and how he did. I'm hoping that bringing this up will help you with perspective and maybe go a little ways toward forgiveness. I try to think about these things to forgive myself and my DH when our house situation seems overwhelming.
I also wanted to say thanks-I didn't know that we might qualify for a refi to a lower rate, and your post clued me in. I will look into that, because I'm pretty sure we are going to be renting this place out for a very long time and every little bit helps.
ApatheticNoMore
7-14-11, 11:14am
I think a serious question is what the neighborhood is like. If the ONLY problem is bad schools then yes there is private school and it is a really good, if expensive, solution, if that is all that is wrong with the neighborhood. But if it isn't just bad schools and there is actually lots of gang activity in the neighborhood is that REALLY WHERE YOU WANT YOUR KIDS TO GROW UP?!? Seriously. Because it seems to me this can be a LOT MORE HARMFUL to children than sub-par education. If you children grow up with gang members as role models, don't be surprised if they pick that life someday, even despite your trying to teach them otherwise (parents matter, but peers and environmental expectations are also incredibly strong influences on children). Yes you might send them to private schools with yuppie spawn for all I know, but they still live in and ideally make friends with neighborhood kids. The worst that happens to a middle class kid, who isn't abused horribly, and is sent to bad schools is maybe they never learn enough math and science to be in a technical career or something. A limitation on human potential but not fatal, they can still be perfectly economically successful. Raise a kid with gang members or drug addicts or who knows what as role models and expect worse though.
Whether you own or rent, you will be paying $400,000 over the next 30 years for a roof over your heads. If my calculations are correct, that is $1111 per month. In a couple of years you will be grateful for that low rate as the rental rates are going to soar and rental accommodation in any area is going to be hard to get with all the people who can no longer afford to own a home.
As others have suggested, you have options - you can homeschool or find some other parents in your neighbourhood who share your education needs. You are not alone in this.
You are feeling trapped and looking for a way to manage your emotion - that house was a good investment at the time at a good rate and now an even better rate. We have moved a number of times over the years and have seen house prices fall $65,000 for a few years and then inflation lifted them up again. Houses are like any other investment there is risk.
You have a safe roof over your head in a cute neighbourhood, a good marriage, healthy family but need something that will give you some sense of control over your life. Being at home with a little fulltime gives one too much time to think - been there and done that. You are very busy at a valuable time in your little one's life with one more on the way but need some mental challenge. Is there a local affordable course that you can take over a period of time that will increase your employment opportunities when the time is right?
You're in a bummer situation, no question.
I'm not sure what your savings situation is like, but you may be in a very good position to turn your house into a rental and rent a nice place in the neighborhood you want to be in. Consider it an opportunity to go into business for yourself.
This way, Your tenant pays the mortgage, YOU CAN DEPRECIATE THE HOUSE AND SAVE A TON ON YOUR TAXES, WHICH IS THE SAME AS MAKING THAT MONEY, and you are slowly building equity with "OPM," other people's money. You can't depreciate a primary residence, but you can a rental.
To do this, you should have a good emergency fund built up, because there may be times when you have to pay both the mortgage and the rent payment for a period of time when the house is vacant.
My advice - run a bunch of numbers. There may be a silver lining, in addition to your already silver lining of a happy marriage and good family life. Those things are priceless -- don't ruin them with resentment!
A lot of people are in this situation. It sucks, it really does and I feel your frustration.
But resenting your husband for some of this is kinda like dwelling on lovers he or you had in the past. It is done. He didn't do anything wrong and you weren't even in the picture. Obviously he would have made different choices if he was married and had kids.
So what would I do? Bitch and whine for a bit like you have done here (good technique) and then get on and look at the big picture. This situation will not last forever, it is fixable in the future, and you will both learn good lessons. Consider yourself in good company in this housing downturn and look at the great things you have in life.
Feeling trapped is something I also have felt and there comes a point where you either make a change or live with what is going on. Sounds easy, I know, but hard to do.
Good luck with everything and figure out some way to get this giant elephant off your shoulder. This too shall pass.
If you were able to refinance then you must have equity in your house. Do you have equity?
First of all I must commend you for being aware that there is far more going right in your life than going wrong.
I deal with a lot of these situations professionally. It is really hard to give specific advice because a lot is state specific and varies depending on a many, many different factors.
Obviously there is a lot of nonsense and bad advice all over the internet however I do have to tell you that the clearest discussion of options geared to the layperson that I have read in quite some time is Geri Detweiler's series on the six most likely possibilities for those who are underwater on their home mortgage.
I hope it helps clarify your options for you
http://www.credit.com/blog/2011/07/underwater-on-your-home-your-six-options/
gottabebetterway
7-15-11, 12:15pm
Thank you all so much. So much good commiseration here, and bitching online sure is better than bitching to our families, no? And also what I needed most -- so much clear thinking. Maybe that is what has been the most frustrating for me in some ways, the fact that my emotions are so mixed up on this one that I can't see things clearly, and I am used to being able to count on myself to figure crap out, you know?
You've given me some good questions to ask myself, some good avenues to explore.
I will focus right now on letting go of the resentment toward my husband. It's very counterproductive, I can't change what happened in 2007, and gosh darnit, he's a good guy.
I guess my last question is -- since we're planning on leaving this place as soon as possible ("soon" of course easily being 5-6 years), should we bother trying to aggressively pay down the mortgage? Would it be smarter to just pay at the regularly scheduled pace and focus on saving for a down payment for the next place?
You guys rock.
We live in a metro area. My now-husband bought this house, an not-updated 1940s ranch, 1,100 sq. feet, 2 bed, 1 bath, in a cute neighborhood but terrible school district in 2007 for $225,000. We were dating at the time, but he was in a financial sense a single guy who, in his mid 30s, felt ready to buy a home.
<snip>
I don't like the house -- it's not what I would have picked out for either location nor style reasons, and I am stuck living in a house someone else picked out.
<snip>
I feel a lack of control because I wasn't the one who signed up us for this. I am confident the next home we live in will be one we both like and one that is financed differently.
This was not far from how my wife felt about the house I bought shortly before we met, and that we lived in for the first 7 years we were married. It was never her house, and she never connected with it. It was also her first experience of living in the suburbs, and it took time for her to adapt.
While we were never upside down, for most of the time we were in it we would have lost most of the 20% down payment by selling. We looked at houses for most of the time we were there together, though the lack of down payment kept us from moving.
After 7 years, the economy recovered enough that we had a down payment on a better house from the proceeds. My wife has been more engaged with the new house.
Ironically, I'm now the one tiring of suburban living, as our current neighborhood is having urban problems despite wooded isolation--criminals are taking advantage of poor visibility from house to house to commit "backpack burglaries".
Whether you own or rent, you will be paying $400,000 over the next 30 years for a roof over your heads. If my calculations are correct, that is $1111 per month. In a couple of years you will be grateful for that low rate as the rental rates are going to soar and rental accommodation in any area is going to be hard to get with all the people who can no longer afford to own a home.
Actually true, we couldn't rent a two bedroom apartment we'd be willing to live in for our current house payment, with taxes and insurance.
Mangano's Gold
7-15-11, 7:11pm
Your story confirms the only marriage advice my mother ever gave me: Let the woman choose the house.
If I were in your husband's shoes, I'd sell the house and let you pick the replacement. If you can't get a decent repalcement, then you are probably stuck where you are for the time being. And if you are stuck there, then you've got to figure out how to accept it without it making you miserable.
Readsomething
7-16-11, 7:43pm
I'm going to try to say all this gently, and that is to look at the UPSIDE with a more practical eye. You have been focusing on what you are losing, what you are missing out on. But what about the positives of your situation?
You are young, with just two children. This is your first house. Many, many, MANY things can happen in 30 years, and focusing on the idea that you are trapped for years is, well, counterproductive. Right now, you are able to stay home with both your children AND pay your mortgage and your bills AND sock away $750/month in savings. DH and I (he's 50, I'm 43) would LOVE to be in that position -- we are not underwater in our home, but to be able to sock away that much in savings each month is amazing! DH and I lost a HUGE amount of financial momentum during the real estate crash -- we had rental property that provided much of our income, but RIGHT before the crash, we made the choice to convert the apartment building into condos and sell them. What was projected to sell for $200k per unit (6 units) we were VERY fortunate to sell for $139k by the time all was said and done. We lost buckets. That was in 2008-2009. We are still dealing with the debt from that project. But we remind each other all the time -- we still have our house, we are not even underwater on it (the real estate prices in our neighborhood were INSANELY overpriced -- thank GOD we got in before the huge increases). We have each other, and we are healthy. And we love each other.
Nothing is certain, but your situation RIGHT NOW is great. You have no way to project what the house will be worth in 3-5 years. Yes, it might be worth less than it is right now, but it could also be worth more. The schools might not be great now, but that could change, too. (In the 8 years we've lived in our neighborhood, the city schools have always been not great, but our neighborhood -- always in huge demand -- is even more so now, because a few years after we bought, a PRIVATE school -- supposedly the best one in the city -- was built across the street from us. No one could have foreseen that, and the school's target market is this neighborhood. It's quite popular, much more so than when we bought.)
My advice -- if you have to, sit down and make a list on paper of the pluses and minuses. I think what you see there, in black and white, will show you that you have much to enjoy in your life right now. If what you are wanting is NOT to own a home, if you want to rent and be free of the shackles of home ownership, could you rent a decent place for the cost of your mortgage? Many people, in many areas of the country, could not.
Also, PLEASE do what you can to let go of your resentment toward your husband. He bought the house that was right for HIM, at that time. You were a bonus he could not have taken into account at the time. :-)
Packratona!
7-16-11, 11:31pm
My advice is:
1) Just be thankful for what you have, which is way more than a lot of people have. Your husband has a job, your family is healthy, you don't even have to work, as he is taking care of you, you have a wonderful son, you are able to pay your mortgage and meet your expenses.
2) Your situation will not be permanent; it is something you will just have to put up with for a while. It won't last forever, just maybe longer than you like.
3) Definitely home school for a few years, your kid will be much more competitive for the best scholarships when he goes to college. Even if you just home school for a few years until you are able to move away. Your ability to stay home with him is an asset.
4) 25% of homeowners are underwater, it was an unusual situation that happened in this country, so don't blame your husband too harshly.
5) Just keep on doing the best you can in your situation; keep honing those frugality skills, developing yourself in other ways to maybe bring in a little extra cash.
6) Have a nice meal ready for your husband when he comes home from work, treat him well as he is working so hard for his family.
I guess my last question is -- since we're planning on leaving this place as soon as possible ("soon" of course easily being 5-6 years), should we bother trying to aggressively pay down the mortgage? Would it be smarter to just pay at the regularly scheduled pace and focus on saving for a down payment for the next place?
If you plan on leaving in 5 years, YES, I would definitely just make the regular payments and squirrel away money. That is absolutely the thing to do to preserve your options. But #1 priority: develop an on-going conversation with your husband where you are equally and co-operatively engaging with each of your current core practical and emotional needs, as well as your dreams and schemes for the future. Sounds like that is something you can do, and if so, it is a huge gift that most couples really struggle to attain.
A few other comments (and I am known a bit as the queen of hard-but-good medicine when I'm teaching the Financial Integrity program, but harder to do that online -- please know that I'm saying this with full compassion and commisseration...)
It may help you to get over your resentment if you recognize that YOU bought the house when you married the man. So don't resent him for your decision. Sometimes things just don't work out as planned -- and that happened in his case, he didn't pay attention to the macro-economy and it thumped him. But in your case, you knew what the situation was, and where it is leading, and you made the "buy-in" decision anyway. So the next trick may be to figure out WHY you've given yourself this challenge. What are the long-standing emotional patterns that it is calling you to finally resolve within yourself. Seems like maybe this feeling of being "trapped" is an echo of other things? (Yes, of course it's also completely a natural reaction to the current situation, but that's usually how we do these things -- we're very clever that way, we humans.)
I too was zealously against debt and banks, and then made some decisions that were high-risk but actually rather prudent and clever... however unforeseen circumstances caused my schemes to disintegrate and left me in major credit card debt (though at an interest rate much lower than any mortgage.) The situation was basically a complete failure, yet what's the point in sitting in that? Instead it became a challenge to get rid of the debt before I lost my low-rate deal. It was DEFINITELY hard work, and my health suffered temporarily, but now I see that "failure" as a tremendous gift because I developed compassion for others that I never had before. Before this, I honestly never could understand how people could get so stuck financially, but now I know on a gut level how these things happen. It led me to the FI Program and it led me to this forum, and it led me to serve my community by introducing others -- and I get to watch my friends and fellow townspeople climb out of their own holes.
Just one other suggestion: get involved in your school district NOW. Gangs thrive when parents are too busy working/drugged out/incapacitated to be there for their kids. So be there for other kids futures as much as your kids' future, and you'll have 6 years to make inroads into turning a bad school into a good one. Volunteer in that 5th grade classroom, get the PTA to sponsor an anti-gang program, etc. Even if your kids never go to that school, you'll have had an impact on many lives and great experience under your belt for whatever school situation your kids end up having. Because basically, ALL public school systems are being decimated by the anti-tax, anti-intellect juggernaut, so I think you're going to find it very hard to locate a healthy, thriving public school anywhere.
Best wishes!
Rozie that is a great post!
fidgiegirl
7-17-11, 8:42pm
My DH and I were just pondering the same thing. We were thinking maybe we should pay off our current house and then try to buy a new one. Or should we continue to pay just the payment amount and sock away as much as we can for a down payment?
But how would the money be more powerful: 1) a paid off mortgage - we would then use that house as a rental, generating monthly income, or sell it and use the proceeds toward a new house. 2) $xx,000 in the bank toward a new house?
If we keep it as a rental, it would be better to pay off our house early, then use the rental income toward the new mortgage.
If we sell, it would be better to save the money for the down payment toward the new place.
Here is a screen shot of our calculations. I know they are rudimentary, I'm just trying to get my head around the concept of it.
http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6025/5948702606_6615279a06_z.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photos/7733846@N05/5948702606/)
Screen shot 2011-07-17 at 7.41.29 PM (http://www.flickr.com/photos/7733846@N05/5948702606/) by fidgiegirl (http://www.flickr.com/people/7733846@N05/), on Flickr
ETA: Oops, I see a few boo boos, but helpful for us anyway. Hope it can still help you.
ETA2: All of the scenarios depend on us staying here until it's paid off. Except if we move with a balance on the mortgage we'd either sell and pay off the mortgage or still have a rental but it not make enough money to offset the new mortgage.
gottabebetterway
7-18-11, 1:13pm
Lots more great advice and input. Thank you all. No worries about being gentle, I can take the hard truth. And, really, I *know* I have let this get out of hand, and that it's been a totally unproductive mind-screw I've allowed into my life. Everyone is totally right that my #1 priority right now is making sure I let go of resentment. Honestly, even just barfing my feelings and anger all over the internet already helped me let go of some, and hearing from people remind me that life is good (I know) and my husband is good (I know) has been an extra push to get rid of the rest of it. Perspective is a good thing and I felt myself losing it, which is why I came here to post. Thank you for your support and needed push.
ps packratona -- You wrote of me: "you don't even have to work." I take care of a toddler, and soon a toddler and infant, full-time. Only someone who hasn't done the same all alone all day would think that's not work. There is a reason why stay-at-home parents joke that a 9-5 office gig sounds like a vacation. If you mean I don't have to do *paid* work, well, me being home saves us money. Two daycare payments, gas for a second car, work wardrobe? My salary would be gone before I even made it.
I am in an underwater situation. If DH or I made comments that it was the other's fault--and most situations can be boiled down to that on either side--we would be starting to rot our relationship. People don't love people who make them feel guilty. I think the most important thing you can do that's 100% in your control is not once from now on to imply, hint, state, or otherwise express any blame to your husband. I agree with Rozie--your attitude must represent a repetition of past patterns that it's important for you to track down whenever you can. In the meantime, I say keep in mind that if you lay this on him, one day your kids will be laying something big on someone they love--maybe you. I realize you may have said nothing to him that even implies he made a mistake, but just in case. . . .
It is really tough when you're forced to deal with the consequences of someone else's bad decisions. It might help if you think about some consequences he must deal with due to your past decisions? Like, perhaps that you studied a subject in college and/or chose a career that doesn't pay much? He might be thinking gee, it would be nice if I didn't have to bear the weight of supporting the family financially completely alone. That kind of thing. I'm not knocking you AT ALL and I hope this doesn't come off wrong.
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