View Full Version : Adoption. Is it in you? Could you adopt? (If you had to, if it came to adopting)?
I've had countless discussions with people over the prospect of adoption and have received a mixed bag of reviews. Some say they would love to adopt, others mentioned that they could never take in someone else's children, while others quickly took to the top of the fence and straddled it, their eyes wide open and round, like dinner plates!
So, what are your thoughts on adoption? Just so everyone knows, our youngest two, both boys, are adopted.
Just as a sort of side-note to this topic, I realize there's a special kind of love that a parent (or parents) need to possess in order to make the adoption process work, and ensure it's as a fulfilling process as adoption is meant to be, but I'm interested in hearing from you guys. (Your side/take on the matter).
Well, I plan to never have kids. But if that wasn't the case I'm definitely pro-adoption. From a purely hypothetical stand-point, I'd say I'd be more likely to adopt than have biological kids. And not just to avoid the whole pregnancy and child birth thing. Hopefully this doesn't insult anyone, but that's just how I feel about most things - adopt a pet instead of buying one, getting used things, rather than buy new stuff. Not trying to directly compare pets and stuff to kids, but I just overall have that mentality that there are a lot of people (and pets and stuff) in the world already. So many kids need good homes. Seems selfish and unrealistic to think that MY genes are better than anyone else's. There's always such a risk to having a child - you just don't know how they're going to turn out.
Edited to add: I've also thought about a "forced" family adoption, due to death or inability to care for one's own children. Could I care for a relative's children? I know I could but hope to never be in that spot. Must be so difficult for the kids. In reality though, I'm married and don't know if DH could handle this. But I tend to have worst-case-scenario plans in the back of my head, and think if we REALLY had to, he'd come around, since he's a very caring, responsible guy. Just with very low tolerance for people, noise and chaos - pretty normal stuff with kids around.
i have talked about adopting for a long time, but my husband is against it. I honestly think it's a biological thing for him, because he always falls back on the argument of "if we can have our own, we should have our own." I don't get that argument at all, because i'm not biologically related to him, but i really love him. And i'm not biologically related to a lot of people in my "family" but I love them too. sometimes even more than people to whom I am biologically related. Also, i can adopt snails and love them to bits, so you know, my capacity to love and nurture someone is pretty big.
i know, though, that if we were to end up adopting someone, then my husband would be cool. because -- even though he's against doing it for biological reasons that I don't understand -- he's a really loving guy who also adopts snails and nurtures the crap out of them. (btw, we have several snails currently living in our bathroom. DH brought a plant in for them to eat. he figures that they prefer the steamy, warm bathroom to the cold outside. and they need to eat, after all.)
Anyway, after having my first, i was pretty sure that i was good. or, that I would adopt any others. peak experiences are often, well, peak, and I am not sure i could catch lightening twice like that.
DH was yammering about others, and I said we should definitely look at adoption. friends of ours applied for adoption in china (they still haven't brought a daughter home, and it's been 3 years! it's a bit of a racket), but have since given up. other friends of ours have adopted sons (she was infertile; both boys were special needs as they were born addicted to cocaine.), and still others simple have ended up with children who were not biologically theirs -- family members and friends, there seems to be a relatively still common practice of "handing the baby over the fence" here in NZ, and in rural parts of the US. Essentially, the parents go and ask the next door neighbors or trusted friends to take on the child, they agree, and then you go do the paperwork. In NZ, they call it an "over the fence" adoption! Yes, it even has a legal designation!
Now, my son is three, and biology is crazy. When i'm fertile, I dream that I have an accidental pregnancy. I think "oh, wouldn't it be great?" And then, when i'm not fertile, I dream that someone hands me a baby over the fence. Go figure.
But at this point, it looks like we'll stick with one, and truly revisit the conversation in another 2-3 years. DH simply isn't that interested in any discussion right now, i know im too busy, and my biology shouldn't really control the decision.
I would really like to adopt. But, i don't know if I ever will.
I would love to adopt. I am not opposed to pregnancy and childbirth (although I am not yet past the point where I've forgotten what a pain this last pregnancy was) but I have experienced them multiple times so I wouldn't feel like I was missing anything.
I love kids. I always have. I have a very strong maternal instinct and kids love me too. In addition to my own kids, other people's kids are always over at my house talking out their problems with me, eating my baked goods or showing me something cool they have been working on. They know that I genuinely and deeply love them and think that they are amazing people who are full of potential. I forget sometimes that I am not biologically related to some of these kids. They feel like family. I seem to be able to make most people I know, kids and adults, feel special and wanted and welcome, which is awesome. I find that very fulfilling. The more the merrier. I can easily imagine adopting a child and folding them into this crazy, but loving bunch.
Maxamillion
7-18-11, 10:55pm
I was adopted, as well as all my siblings. I wouldn't mind adopting one day (and would have to if I wanted kids, since I'm unable to procreate). But I don't want to be a single parent, so unless the right person comes along, I'm going to stay child-free.
henrysmom
7-18-11, 11:08pm
I am not a man, but am married and also an adoptive mother. My husband and I waited a little late to start our family; our first child, a biological son was born when I was 42. I had tried for two years to get pregnant, and had several miscarriages during that time. Before my son was born, we actually adopted a set of twins here in the US, the bio mom came back later and re-claimed them, which was extremely painful. My husband said he would never go through that again, and luckily, I had my biological son.
After he was born, we considered our family complete, even though I secretly would have liked another child, one seemed enough. Then, four years later my son expressed an intense desire for a sibling, and honestly, a place in my heart opened up to the idea of trying adoption again. My husband was against it, as we had been so hurt by the previous disruption. But he agreed to "go along with it", since he didn't really want out son to be an only child.
Long story short, we ended up adopting a son from China, who came to us when he was 4. He had been labeled a special needs child due to a heart defect, which had been successfully repaired in China and required no further treatment. We first saw his picture on 4th of July, and he came to us the next May, 10 mos from first seeing his picture. My husband, who had been sort of begrugingly "dragged" to China, took one look at our son and fell in love. Hard. The first month was hard, as our son did not speak Mandarin, and no one here in the US could communicate with him. But, within a few months it was like he'd always been here. Today he is 8, a smart, funny, gorgeous little spark of a boy and very much loved. My husband honestly treats our two sons exactly the same, biological or not. One of the beautiful things about parenthood is seeing my husband blossom as a parent, actually more to my adopted son that my bio son. In my first sons early life, I was his world, I was nursing him and caring for him, and my husband felt a little left out. With my second son, he was an "equal" parent from day one, and it helped create a special bond between them. It takes a good man to be a good father, and even better one to adopt, IMHO.
Hi Kestra. Nice to hear from you. In you saying that you'd rather adopt rather than have a natural childbirth, wow! That is so great!!! :) You're right, there are so many babies and children out there in desperate need of adoptive families. I can't help but think of all the older children who go to bed at night dreaming, wishing, and praying that someone, anyone, would come along and take them and accept them as their own.
One thing Re: forced adoption, is there's no time to think about things, prepare, or plan, it just happens. In our case we had time to talk about it, ponder it, and then come to an educated decision as to yay or nay. That in itself changes things exponentially.
Zoebird. When DH and I got married we pretty much got pregnant right away, and from there the babies kept a comin'! Considering natural births were easy and trouble-free for us meant not giving any thought to the adoption process, although with all of the horror stories I had heard, I never gave a lot of thought to the adoption process anyway. However, had we come up against a barrier preventing us from having more children say after our second or third child was born, I know for a fact I would have gotten on the adoption bandwagon. P.S. Until you mentioned it, I had never before in my life heard of "handing the baby over the fence". But there's actually something I like about it. One thing is for sure, the current red tape system is sick, and so are the costs.
Stella. It's amazing how easy it is to fold a child into an established family setting. We folded two into ours and although there were many trying moments and times attached, all worked out well (and for the best). I think it's important to listen to ones heart when adoption sounds right, that is, provided those interested can comfortably handle the added financial responsibility of another angel in their midst.
Maxamillion. I hope your upbringing was as loving, and caring, and memorable, as any child's upbringing could possibly be! I was just a young child at the time, but I remember a family a few blocks away from us who adopted all of their children, and they had something like 6 or 8 kids in all! I actually still think about them because the parents (hands down) were the most loving parents any child could dream of ever having.
Henrysmom. I cannot (for the life of me) imagine the hurt you suffered in having those adopted twins taken from you. Whew. I'm actually trying to catch my breath after reading that one... Wow..... That is totally fabulous about your adopted son! Thank you for sharing your story with me.
well, lets see. my unassisted pregnancy was *awesome* i didn't get physically uncomfortable being pregnant until the day i went into labor. and that was because it was hot and I went to the library to use the computer because our computer was being fixed and they made me stand to use it rather than letting my have a stool and my feet got swollen! So, pregnancy was *great!*
Birth was painless, literally, all the way through. Orgasms, then meditative "hugging" feeling, and then some ecstatic dance for, like, two hours while the baby moved from uterus to planet.
So, it was pretty awesome. And, pregnant on the first try, too. So, if that were to happen a second time, and I'm sure it could, then no worries.
But, i question whether i want to do it again. I mean, i grant you that there is a lot of red tape. But there are also a lot of babies who need love. So, why not just spread the love around? It breaks my heart to think of children being unloved. It's one of the things that I so love about Harry Potter. I know it seems stupid or silly, but when I think of Harry -- and how he was raised by family, and what he didn't know about himself, and how, despite all of that, he really became such a valiant person, well, it just moves me really deeply.
And I wonder, how many Harrys are there in this world? How many valiant souls who long to be held by mothers? To be cuddled by fathers?
And here I am. So why not me?
but my husband doesn't get that at all. And i don't get that he does't get it.
and what i like about 'handing the baby over the fence' is that it's just real. it's like. . . that movie Juno. here's a girl who is pregnant, but she knows she can't care for the baby. And here's a woman who wants a baby. So there you go. done. easy.
I think that in rural communities here, where you may not have a lot of city-services like we in the city are used to, you might just look around and go "that family looks good. i bet they would do a good job." i think that if a young woman saw us and said that to herself, i couldn't turn her down, you know? Yes. I can care for your baby. And you can go forward with your life knowing that your child is loved.
iris lily
7-19-11, 12:37am
Not interested in perpetuating my genes since I'm sure any child DH and I produce would be a fat, geeky,slow-to-mature kid.
While I knew that I didn't want kids, I always liked the idea of adopting a little girl from China.
goldensmom
7-19-11, 1:02am
As a former adoption worker, I applaud all adoptive parents. I know many sides of the adoption process but not the parental-in-the-home-24-hr-a-day-part. I do know for certain that there is something special in a person who adopts, can’t describe it or explain it but I know for certain that it is there.
Zoebird. Your birth (as described) sounds like heaven! :) If I could create the perfect world, my perfect world would ensure that all children would have a place. A place that they could call home, a place that ensured their safety, a place where they knew they were loved, a place where wholesome nourishment graced the table, and a place where two loving parents would dote over them unconditionally! As far as the baby over fence goes, it really has struck a chord in my mind tonight, and I find my imagination running wild right now over the many thoughts that are flooding my dream-scape.
Iris Lily. I wish you and your husband had adopted, I think you would have made for stellar parents! It's funny, but every so often I'll meet a couple (or couples) and I'll say to myself, "I think they'd make for great parents", and it seemingly comes from no where (those strange thoughts), yet they hit me, so real they are. So lifelike. (I see that in you and your husband Iris).
Goldensmom. Just seen your post after posting mine. Your words are so nice and so appreciated. :) I too believe there's a special something that a parent has where they can love and cherish a child (outside of the natural birth process) like their own. I also think it helps to adopt while the child is still a baby.
...
Iris Lily. I wish you and your husband had adopted, I think you would have made for stellar parents! It's funny, but every so often I'll meet a couple (or couples) and I'll say to myself, "I think they'd make for great parents", and it seemingly comes from no where (those strange thoughts), yet they hit me, so real they are. So lifelike. (I see that in you and your husband Iris).
Well, we are dog parents, and have a lot of adopted and foster dogs, so we get our parental instincts served that way. Tonight I was so glad that DH "put the girls to bed" because I was tired. It's only about 1/20 of the trouble as with children, yet, it's all of the trouble that I want! ha ha.
We briefly considered adopting, but in our case it would have required a larger house and therefore substantially more income. If it had been a real need for either of us to have a larger family, we would have found ways to cross those hurdles, but about that time we realized that 3 is a perfect family size for us. We make our home readily available for DD's friends and often have extra kids around. Like Iris Lily, we adopt animals - rescue cats, in our case.
Zoebird, I am entirely with you thinking of the heartbreak of children being unloved.
There is a good book out called Dani's Story about a foster child who was adopted. I marvel at the love and committment that these parents show.
Your funny Iris! :)
Rosemary. Sounds perfect.
Sweetana3. Thanks for the recommended book read.
jennipurrr
7-19-11, 10:30am
My Mom and her siblings were adopted, so I grew up in an environment where adoption was seen as a completely normal alternative to having children the old fashioned way. So, I never really get when people worry about if they could adopt a child because they think they may not love him/her as much as a biological child.
I don't have children, and if I have them one day I plan to conceive them naturally, but if that doesn't happen I am definitely open to adoption. I have considered taking in a foster child, but DH is against it at this point in our lives. I have a nephew who is 5 now, that at several points in the past the subject came up about us raising him for an indefinite period of time. We were always completely open to that and honestly, I think he would have had a much safer, stable upbringing with us, but things never got "bad" enough to for his parents to relinquish custody...fortunately, his mother has changed a lot over the past several years and is now sober, so he is generally safe, but there is still a lot of instability in the home. I can't predict how everything will turn out, and I certainly wouldn't assume everything would be different and perfect if he was with us, but DH and I lament sometimes how such a sweet, bright kid is being set up in life to fail. I guess that is a little pessimistic, but I guess we'll see how things go in 15 years.
I did. My eldest is 27, and we adopted her from an orphanage in Guatemala city when she was 22 months. We did it on our own. It was a long process, and awesome! I made the decision at age 14 to not bear children, and yet love and wanted to raise them. Adoption and step parenting are how I did this.
... others mentioned that they could never take in someone else's children, ...
I have tried and tried, and have never been able to comprehend this mindset. If you adopt and raise kids they are your children not someone else's.
I personally can not think of anything more irrelevant than the fact that my two oldest kids do not share my DNA. I know it, they know it and their two younger sisters know it. Everybody else's feelings on the matter truly is irrelevant.
Jennipurrr. How wonderful about your mom and her siblings being adopted! Re: not loving an adopted child as much as a birth child I struggle with too. When my two boys were just days into being with us, I remember sitting with the youngest one in the middle of the night, he would wake nightly and cry and scream. I'd wrap him up in a baby blanket and rock him for an hour or more until he fell asleep, then return him to his crib. He and his older brother were instantly mine! In fact the baby was (more or less) my daughters and my project. He (I think) was abused and neglected more than his older brother was, so because of that he got a fair shake more attention at the start. Subtle attention may I add, because we didn't want the older one feeling left out or anything. i.e. Sneaking baby into ones bed in the middle of the night when he'd awake, a little extra holding time and comforting, and so on. The youngest was roughly 16 months old at the time.
Redfox. How beautiful! I see such a plus in parents who know how to love on both sides of the spectrum. (Those who give birth naturally and love, and those who adopt or foster and love). Either way it's the way life should be. I would have been completely and totally open to raising step-children had circumstances worked out that way. I honestly believe I could love any child unconditionally.
Hi Weston, just caught your post after entering mine! So nice to hear from you. :) Absolutely, I wholeheartedly agree. I can't remember exactly per se when I made the transition from feeling like I was simply caring for the boys, and when I actually felt I was, indeed, their mother 100%, but I do remember the transition and feeling when it spun full circle. It was the greatest feeling of all!
I was doing the supper dishes one evening and the house was quiet. I was (like I always am when washing dishes by hand) in my own little dream world, then suddenly I felt two tiny little hands gentle wrap around one of my thighs. It was my youngest and with soother in mouth, he just glommed onto my leg and stood there looking up at me. So I picked him up and held him for a moment, then sat him down on the counter right beside where I was doing dishes, and carried on washing and talking to him. He knew who loved him! :)
Beautifully written Mrs-M.
My two older kids are well into their thirties now. The fact that I first saw my older daughters when one was walking and one was in a stroller doesn't make it any less of a miracle than seeing their sisters for the first time in the delivery room.
I've had countless discussions with people over the prospect of adoption and have received a mixed bag of reviews. Some say they would love to adopt, others mentioned that they could never take in someone else's children, while others quickly took to the top of the fence and straddled it, their eyes wide open and round, like dinner plates!
So, what are your thoughts on adoption? Just so everyone knows, our youngest two, both boys, are adopted.
Just as a sort of side-note to this topic, I realize there's a special kind of love that a parent (or parents) need to possess in order to make the adoption process work, and ensure it's as a fulfilling process as adoption is meant to be, but I'm interested in hearing from you guys. (Your side/take on the matter).
I haven't read all the other posts yet so will just give my personal choice. But yes, I could definetly adopt. I have thought alot it about over the years since I was unable to have kids of my own (periods stopped at age 30 because of over exercise, under weight and never came back once I put on weight - sort of a self-inflicted early menopause). But I decided that, even though I liked kids alot - especially babies and toddlers - I just didn't have that big of a desire to have them. Not even a big desire to have my own biological kids. I have never really had the big baby urge that other's seem to have and that hasn't changed. So I would have happily adopted if I had wanted kids and couldn't have them. And while I believe I would have loved them as completely as I would have loved a biological child - at least I hope I would - I don't know if that would have been the case. I think I would have loved them, but I believe that there is a strong bond formed during pregnancy and birth that even an adopted newborn (and how many people can adopt newborns) might not be able to compare with.
So true Weston. It's funny, because I did have more than a few fleeting thoughts as to how my own children were going to warm to the babies, even though they are good kids and all, and not that I would have allowed or tolerated any dissent, but still, it did play into the scheme of things (in my own mind) prior to the actual move-in.
All went well! My youngest at the time was just 5, so him and the toddler hit it off so well, and DS tried his darnedest to include the baby in everything, but it was my daughters who made me sooo proud! Taking the two out for walks in their strollers (daily), to the park to run and play, and helping out with all the baby-care tasks at home like regular mothers! Changing, feeding, bedtime stories, you name it, they did it.
That for me was the greatest joy of all! Just knowing the love and affection they got! And, the love and affection they got from immediate family too. So important.
Well, we are dog parents, and have a lot of adopted and foster dogs, so we get our parental instincts served that way. Tonight I was so glad that DH "put the girls to bed" because I was tired. It's only about 1/20 of the trouble as with children, yet, it's all of the trouble that I want! ha ha.
Ha Ha - that's me!! After "raising" 8 adopted pets (2 of which were "forced adoptions" when my Dad died and I inherited his dogs) in the last 10 years, I'm done! Love the little buggers but when are they going to find jobs, get their own apts, and move out :-)! Oh well, at least I don't have to do their laundry.
Hi Spartana! Just caught your post after entering mine! (Gosh, that sure is happening a lot with me lately!!! :) I know it's difficult to say for sure how any adoptive parent will react to and respond to an adopted child, and whether or not they'll accept them as 100% their very own, complete with as close a bonding relationship had the child been birthed naturally, but it's amazing at how well you do warm up to a child at the baby stage. Changing them 8-10 times a day, feeding them, bathing them, talking to them, holding them, hugging them, it really makes all the difference (I think) in the end result.
I'm sorry to hear of the condition that prevented you from having a natural birth. P.S. Yes, I also got a real kick out of Iris Lily's post! Leave it to Iris to come up with comical stuff like that! :)
I was interested in adopting but after three of our own, we couldn't afford it. I would not adopt out of the country though; there are too many children here in the US who could use homes. I would have no problem adopting a child of a different race.
Hi Glo! I'm really loving hearing from everybody! Yes, expense is definitely a barrier. We really (to be perfectly honest) couldn't afford it like we would have wanted to afford it, but my simple and frugal ways helped offset typical household baby expense costs, which helped free up added monies in other areas and for other things. Re: race, I'm with you on that, I too would have no problem adopting a child of any race.
Changing them 8-10 times a day, feeding them, bathing them
Oh, now I remember why I didn't have the "Baby Urge" :0!!
I wonder how people feel about a single person (man or woman) adopting a child. I know many adoption places - here in the US and abroad - don't allow single to adopt. What do ya'all think? Say someone like me - single, childless, financially stable homeowner of modest means who is retired and can be a full time parent? Also what about an older person adopting. Do you think that there should be a cut off age? Is 50 too old for a single person to adopt an infant?
Actually Spartana, it grows on you. :) No kidding. I actually enjoyed changing my kids and feeding them! (Minus poopy pants)! :laff: It gave me time to talk to them, bond with them, and just enjoy the precious moments that you know (deep down inside) won't last forever. And, as time goes by, you learn to just roll and run with all the labour involved. It becomes so matter a fact like after a while.
... Changing them 8-10 times a day, feeding them, bathing them, talking to them, holding them, hugging them, it really makes all the difference (I think) in the end result.
I'm rapidly approaching the age where they will have to all of the above for me, so I guess it really does even out in the end.;)
ApatheticNoMore
7-19-11, 3:44pm
I'd rather adopt than have my own.
I'd rather adopt than have my own.
Do it! It's a fabulous choice. I know a family who went to Mexico in the early 80's to adopt a child, and came home with twin 3 year olds and their 5 year old sib, all had been recently orphaned. Wow! Instant family!!! They simply could not say no to keeping them together... and who could?
please visit the "starfish foster home" website. I have a friend who adopted a little girl from this home in China after raising 5 children of her own. She is a little sweetie with a large birthmark that covers about 1/3 of her face. She is being treated for the birthmark and after 3 treatments, it is about 50% gone.
Originally Posted by Mrs-M.
Changing them 8-10 times a day, feeding them, bathing them, talking to them, holding them, hugging them, it really makes all the difference (I think) in the end result.
Originally posted by Weston.
I'm rapidly approaching the age where they will have to all of the above for me, so I guess it really does even out in the end.ROTFLMAO! :laff: It really is so true isn't it! P.S. Here's hoping you can stave off this demise. :)
ApatheticNoMore. Awww... I'm with Redfox! :)
P.S. Redfox. Love your story!!! What a trip that was for the family.
Tenngal. Thank you so much for the web-address! Will be going in and checking it out tonight.
At 47 (almost) I'm too old to run after a small child and I'm really out of the mindset where I can reorient my life around parenting. But heck yeah, I would have adopted. In fact, about ten years ago I decided that if the opportunity presented itself, I'd jump on adopting a little girl. However, things didn't budge in that area (particularly finances) so we are adoptedless Oh well. Maybe one of my sons will adopt.
fidgiegirl
7-19-11, 10:30pm
I have so many thoughts on adoption. Not sure why. Maybe there is some destiny that is yet to be fulfilled . . . Here are some of my different thoughts:
There was a time in my younger life, faaaaaar pre-DH, maybe 18-ish, when I said I wanted to adopt about 10 or 12 kids and have a big farm or country place and raise them all. Birthing a baby has never really fascinated me, though I'm not entirely opposed, either. But I find adoption totally fascinating.
Children, on the whole, are scary to me. Not the kids themselves, but all the things that can go wrong - whether bio or adopted. There is a girl I am acquainted with and is on my Facebook who has suffered infertility. She has blogged extensively about it and was what I would consider to be very open on FB about her journey/thoughts/feelings/situation. To follow her was more scary than reassuring. It makes me think, well, what if DH and I decide to try to have kids and can't? And then we'll be obsessed with it and it will become our whole painful life? And then if we try to adopt and we ride that emotional roller coaster, thinking it's going to work out and it doesn't, and etc. and etc. and etc.? So I think actually, from her writing, I have gained some insight and sympathy (empathy? I always mix up . . .) for her situation, but also gained a lot of fear. So it's easier to just avoid the whole topic.
I am kind of in the same spot as Kestra. It seems like there are so many kids who need homes. When I think of having kids, it seems I think more about adoption than pregnancy. But my feeling is that DH is not interested in adopting. He is scared of all the needs. I think he would be an amazing father and probably an excellent father for a child who would likely have needs from whatever situation gets them to the point of needing to be adopted. He has so many skills from his teaching that would transfer well to parenting; he has such a big heart and in fact at time seems to overflow with love; he is infinitely patient.
If we ever got to the point of moving forward on an adoption process, I would likely avoid international adoption. I fear, basically, that there is baby selling or stealing going on and not sure how one could be 100% assured that there is not. I understand those who are ok with international adoptions. A friend who is pro-international adoption put it well: "Why do those babies deserve less than our babies?" But still, I am pretty sure I couldn't do it myself.
I have also heard that African-American babies from the US are being adopted abroad. I find that upsetting given the numbers of Americans seeking children from other nations. It doesn't make sense.
http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20147746,00.html
Why does adoption cost what seems to be so much money, anyway? Does it cost money to adopt a child through the state? I don't understand that part.
Minnesota has a list of "waiting children" that I look at occasionally. It's amazing how many kids are on it for years . . . also how many 16-18 year olds. I think that would a neat but challenging niche to be able to help fill. I think back to how much I still needed my parents once I was an "adult." And think of having nowhere to go on Thanksgiving, or no one to call when you don't know what to do when you put the dish soap in the dishwasher by accident, or you need to know how to make a baked potato (yes . . .). But if those kids graduate out of the system without being adopted, there they are, an island in this world . . .
This blog post was particularly moving to me when I first read it. It's got some language, but really speaks to me. http://boogersandpoop.blogspot.com/2009/07/always-on-my-mind.html. The very fact that from the thousands of things I have ever read online I can even remember that this blog post EXISTS and find it in my bookmarks speaks to how impactful it was (and is) to me.
Some of my thoughts. Off to look at http://www.mnadopt.org/ now.
Fidgiegirl, I've thought about the older kids lots as well. There was a time I thought a lot about fostering, and though I don't think it's the right thing for me in this lifetime, and definitely not for DH, but it just interests me in that it seems so useful. What greater purpose than aiding a human being in that manner. And I know such a thing would be incredibly challenging and heartbreaking, but it gives you a chance to make a difference. I really don't like how the foster care system ends abruptly at 18. Seems like too many people around here do it at least partially for the money, and once that cheque stops coming...that young adult is again without any family. Just part of a whole sad area of society these days. Seems like in other cultures there are more instances where the whole village and/or extended family help with child rearing. Like the "over the fence" adoption stories - your kids could just live with your sister or brother or parents as needed. Families seem pretty isolated and the authorities have to step in, and kids aren't necessarily placed in the best homes. And of course very few people are willing to foster or adopt locally, especially the older kids. Here, lots of them live in hotel rooms as there aren't enough foster homes. Adoption just feels right to me. I can't help thinking that if you have a bio kid, that isn't even born yet, there is one less home for a kid already born and suffering.
Of course, I have to admit I'm not helping the situation as having kids just isn't for me, as much as I'm concerned about the situation. It's a strange dichotomy. I'm also so introverted that volunteering at a place like Big Brothers/Big Sisters is more than I can handle right now. Maybe when I'm early retired. For now I have to contribute to society in other ways.
Anne Lee. With each and every entry by a member who reiterates that they could see themselves adopting, the smile on my face gets more and more cheesy! :) A make me feel good thread this is!
Fidgiegirl. I think I'll open my entry up with a short story. Around the same time I/we were trying for our second child/baby (which we didn't have to try long), a longtime friend of mine was trying for a baby, also her second, but no such luck. They tried, and tried, and tried, and she even miscarried twice along the way. We had been friends for a long time (since high school), many, many years, and when I got pregnant with baby #2, she disowned me, just like that. Friendship over. :(
I was heartbroken for her and felt her pain through watching her sorrow, but she wanted no part of me, and to this day we've never uttered so much as a single word ever since. She doesn't live here anymore, but if only she knew how much I cared for her, and how much I wanted her to be able to have another baby, she wouldn't have expelled me out of her life.
I wanted to share that story with everyone here, because of what you mentioned in your post about becoming obsessed over pregnancy and motherhood. It can happen, it's very real. You have to control it and not allow it to progress that far.
It saddens me to no end, knowing there are children nearing the end of their teens who are still waiting adoption. It just should never be that way, ever, and I wish it wasn't. What a waste, what a shame.
One thing I can't emphasis enough, parents have to be/need to be 100% sure they are ready for children. I've seen far too many couples loose ground and even go their separate ways over trivial things related to parenthood and poor/absent planning. Even if the wife wants to be a stay-at-home mom while the husband continues to work, there's still needs to be a balance related to wanting to be a parent between both involved. It's definitely not a job or a venture that should ever be outlined by just one person in the relationship. It's both people, or no people. Parenthood is a big step that many underestimate. You are either in it together, or you aren't.
I believe my love and desire to have children is the result of, one, inherited want, and two, seeing my older sister having her kids. I was actually somewhat jealous when my sister started preparing to have a family. (Isn't that absurd)! But I was, not acutely, just mildly (not conniving). She'd swing by with my niece and when it was time to change her diaper or feed her, I'd think to myself (as I watched her at work with the baby), I want to do that, I want a baby of my own, I want to be a mom. So for me there was a real desire to get pregnant, have kids, and start my own family. I even daydreamed about it.
At any rate Fidgiegirl, take your time. As for costs, the adoption process that took place in our case was so much more different than that of a typical adoption. There were many circumstances involved, a willing party to the deal (the mom), and a whole host of other factors that came into play when it came to many legalities. We still went through trying and difficult times not knowing for sure, and that's stressful, and there were many meetings, legal sit-downs, and so forth. As with all things, do your homework, and be thorough. Know every single detail long beforehand. P.S. Thanks for the links!
Kestra. "but it gives you a chance to make a difference". Gosh those words just keep on resonating in my head. I can't let them go. So strong. I like it. Very moving post.
You touch on so much, so much of what I mentioned in my post. Important things. One thing I do want to say Kestra, you actually are helping the system. :) I'm so proud of you for standing up straight, exercising your freedoms, and making a conscientious decision to follow your path, the path that speaks to you and tells you, "here, this way, down here".
Thank you so much everybody for your touching and heartwarming stories and experiences.
Hmmm, well, I definitely support adoption. I am a mother who gave a child up for adoption in my teen years. I was fortunate in that the closed adoption came to a resolution where the family found me. It was their daughters (my daughters) desire to find me and they did. I don't have a particularly close relationship with them but they now have access to me, my medical history and family relations. For me, I have the peace of mind that she is well. She was raised in a right wing family, opposite of my own beliefs, but I'm ok with that. I think your feelings for adoption are good instincts. But, as a person in the early education field I think it is in your best interest to think about what you have to offer. What can you do/handle? What can't you? Very important issues to get crystallized in the beginning, so no regrets later. That might mean having conditions on who and what kind of children you will adopt, because the after math of abuse, Fetal alcohol syndrome, drug affected children is more that some parents are prepared to deal with. So, as a relinquishing parent I applaud you. As an advocate, I encourage you to consider your situation and desires and capabilities and obstacles and what you have to offer, carefully. Good luck!
Wildflower
7-20-11, 4:38am
Adoption has been a most positive thing in our family. My DH was adopted as a newborn, and my grandson adopted at the age of 10 months from S. Korea. What a gift they are in my life! For those that can and want to adopt it can be such a wonderful thing. I know my DH is very thankful for the good life his adoptive parents gave him. And my little grandson continues to thrive in the care of my DD and SIL. What a joy he is, although it took him awhile to adjust to everything that was new to him and bond with his parents. The reality of adoption can be that it often takes awhile for things to begin to run smoothly for everyone....
When I was five, I told my dad that when I grew up, I was going to run an orphanage and love orphans all day LOL So I guess you could say the adoption bug bit me early on.
I never planned on having my own children biologically. It just never interested me. DH and his sister were adopted, and we always thought we would adopt. At first we thought we'd adopt internationally, but there was no way that we could afford it. So we started looking at adopting through our state, which really only facilitates special needs adoptions.
Over the years, there have been six children we have been interested in adopting, but it never worked out. One was an infant, and the mother changed her mind after giving birth (that was painful). Another was an older boy, but we weren't deemed a good fit since there were only ten years between us (I was 25, he was 15). The other four were siblings, and they were adopted before we finished the paperwork. "Losing" them was hard, but I knew that they had found a wonderful home--together--with parents who desperately wanted them. And that made me very happy.
ThrAs we went through this, DH decided that he really didn't want to miss out on the baby stage. International adoption was still out, and our state doesn't offer healthy infant adoptions. Private adoptions (really the only way to get an infant here) are expensive, too, and the competition is fierce! They are also mostly open adoptions--sometimes the bio parents/grandparents even have regular visits with the children. We knew that would not work for us, so we decided to try to have our own.
Our "plan" is now to have two of our own biologically and then adopt two older kids (maybe even sibilings) from the state later on. We are really looking forward into finding our children and establishing our family. We don't care a thing about age, gender, or race, either. We're open to whatever and feel we could love any kid.
I hear so much about the need for adoptive parents and yet when I hear stories like Kat's (and it's not the first time) it makes me wonder about the apparent discrepancy between this huge need and parents willing to adopt any child even special needs children, older children and sibling groups but not able to for various reasons.
My sister was adopted. she came into our lives by way of a private adoption agency (a well-respected Catholic-run agency in Nevada).
We also had a foster child from the state that my parents wanted to adopt. However, the state turned down the application as we weren't the same race. That was 25 years ago though and I'd imagine policies have changed since then.
DW and I agreed going in that neither of us wanted our own children. Of course, it's easy to feel that way in your 20's. In our 30's now and her sister has a baby but DW still hasn't shown any strong desire to have her own. We will likely adopt in the coming years.
@Anne Lee--I know what you mean. I know that I have felt very frustrated with the adoption process in the past. The failed infant adoption was just bad luck. It was a privately arranged thing, and we knew that the mother could change her mind at any time. Still, knowing that it could happen didn't make it any easier to cope with when it did.
The situation with the older boy was hard, too. I realize that the system tries to place children with people who age-wise could actually be their parents. They do this in the best interest of the child, and I can see how our age gap at the time (10 years for me, 14 years for DH) would have been closer to older brother/sister than parent. However, I distinctly remember thinking...isn't it better for him to have young parents than no parents? Doesn't it matter that we want him, that we can provide him with a loving home and a forever family? The social worker we spoke with was very nice, and I believe that she really did in her heart care for this child. Perhaps there was another interested family that was a better fit for him. I hope and pray that he found a wonderful home with skilled parents, maybe some siblings, and a dog (because he really wanted a dog). But yes...it hurt very much at the time.
I'd be lying if I said all the disappointment we have faced in trying to adopt didn't make the decision to have our own easier. But our hearts are starting to heal, and we haven't given up on the idea yet! :-)
Tiam. How wonderful your daughter finding you! I can't imagine the feeling that must have come over you, seeing her all grown up. :) What a great story.
Wildflower. Thank you for sharing your warm story with us. :) I remember you mentioning your grandson a few times in the past, and I think about him occasionally and wonder how he and family are doing, yet I tend to hold back in asking, not wanting to burden you.
Kat. I feel bad for you over your failed attempts at adopting. It's not right. Additionally, it's high time someone put an end to all the red tape and overbearing bureaucracy getting in the way, too. So nice to know you are looking at adoption Kat. :)
Anne Lee. Yeah, definitely seems to be a system that doesn't work in favour of interested parents to the extent that it should.
Benhyr. Whatever you and your wife decide, I think it's beautiful that you are somewhat interested (and open) to the idea of adoption. P.S. You can nickname them your garden sprouts! :)
Kat. Since starting this thread I've been trying to put myself in the shoes of both a younger child and that of an older child, and the older child scenario sends shivers running up and down my spine. What a difficult and trying transition it would be to enter a new home while at an age where you are already established (as a person), defined, and semi-set in your ways, then to have to conform to a whole new set of environmental ideals and new people all around. I think that would be extremely difficult. Whereas being a baby or toddler (or younger child) you'd never know the difference. Definitely lending to a more natural setting and transition process.
Anne, I was thinking that too. I know of several people who have tried to adopt, but it has fallen through for some reason or another. I know one couple my age who were in the process of adopting two older siblings, I think they were early school age. The woman who had fostered them before had only wanted to adopt the girl. The kids lived with this couple for a few months and the boy started calling the couple Mom and Dad and using the couple's last name. Two weeks before Christmas the other woman decided she'd take the boy too, if that's what it took to adopt the girl and they were taken from the couple's home and adopted by the other woman.
I have a friend who was never officially adopted, but lived with his foster parents, who had four other adopted children and two bio kids....well I was going to say he lived with them until he was 18, but as I think of it, he still lives with them now at 23. They wanted to adopt him. He has FAS and ADD and they poured a ton of time, love and money into him. I've known him since he was little and the transformation is amazing. Amazing. The bio mom tried for years and years and years to get him back, but she never kicked her drug addiction. Every year or so for a long time they'd have to go to court again.
Stories like that have a lot to do with people adopting internationally or choosing not to adopt. Once it is done and the kid is placed, that's pretty much it. It seems like adoption is usually either expensive or risky. Sometimes both.
I was once talking with a relatively large group of friends and almost all of us said that we would adopt if it were less risky and more affordable. Maybe someday the right opportunity will come up for us. I could totally see us adopting "over the fence" as zoebird put it.
Adoption just feels right to me. I can't help thinking that if you have a bio kid, that isn't even born yet, there is one less home for a kid already born and suffering.
This seems like a logical fallacy to me. The fact that one has bio-kids doesn't preclude them from adopting. Most of the adoptive parents I know have a mix of bio-kids and adopted kids.
Stella. I so agree, things really need to change in the way of adoption procedures. I really do think people have grown gun-shy of the process. Seldom (at least so it seems) do adoptions go smoothly and without ticks or problems.
Now that we have two adopted children there are times I actually wish that we would have stopped having kids at 2 or 3, then adopted another one or two. As it was and stands, we were simply in the right place at the right time when our two boys came along. The opportunity was there and we took it.
This seems like a logical fallacy to me. The fact that one has bio-kids doesn't preclude them from adopting. Most of the adoptive parents I know have a mix of bio-kids and adopted kids.
Never said I was always logical. ;) Just my personal feelings on the issue.
iris lily
7-20-11, 10:29pm
I've heard people say that they will adopt ONLY from overseas so that they don't have to deal with bio-mom changing her mind. That's got to be heartbreaking, especially if
bio-mom is wacky, so hard to turn your beloved baby over to a wackjob.
Our friends in a dog club were single like us and a little younger. They had dogs. Then they chased adoptable babies, and had one of those the-kid-is-yours-now-he's not experiences. Ack. But later they ran into a young mom who needed to give up her baby and that went well, and then, son of a gun she came back through town 3 years later with ANOTOHER baby she wanted to unload, so they took that one as well. Their two children are half siblings.
Iris. Your post epitomizes (almost exactly) what I went through with my two boys. For a period of about 3-4 months (before we moved the boys in with us permanently), we (the mom and I) played a sort of back and forth game. (Not my choice, just the way things happened). Anyhow, I got to the point where I was dropping in unannounced (at the mothers house) to check up on the babies every other day. They were always wet and soiled, hungry, tired, cranky, crying, and I can go on and on. So I'd say to the mother, "why don't I take the boys for a few days and give you a chance to get sorted". And so I would. There was no packing involved because my youngest son (at the time) was 5, and I still had everything baby needs wise at hand to care for the babies, so off we'd go.
A few days would pass by, then a week, then two weeks, then a phone call (from the mother). "You can bring the babies back" she'd say. I would. Then a few days later, maybe a week later, maybe two weeks later, it was back to the same old, me dropping in and finding the kids neglected (again), and round and round it went.
Then one day the levee gave way and all hell broke loose. I had reached my breaking point with the mom and walked out with both boys in my arms. No asking, no nothing! Yes, I was in the wrong, but I couldn't take it anymore. The baby had a diaper rash so bad, it was the worst baby rash I had ever seen! A bleeding, neglected bottom- so sore, so red and irritated, he screamed constantly, continually, hour after hour! It was heart-wrenching.
From there things just kept progressing further towards our side until the mother came right out and told me, "I don't want them". That was the beginning of the end.
You know Iris, I never thought I'd come across another story like mine where a mother could so callously give up her kids to someone else (seemingly without care), just like that! I'm almost relieved right now. Hearing your story. (I'm actually in tears).
iris lily
7-21-11, 12:59am
Mrs. M I'm so glad that you got those kids outta there.
Yep, that baby #2 was entirely unexpected with our friends. The biomom was staying in a motel, partying, and called up our friends to say that she couldn't take care of this baby and asked, did they want him? Apparently she didn't make noise over either adoption, it all ran smoothly. I would imagine that by now she's got other kids out there and lets hope that either she shaped up or those kids are with other parents as well.
Mrs M, I remember you posting about the boys before you had them permanently. I am so glad they found such a wonderful family to take care of them!
How old are they now? I seem to remember them being close in age to my older kids, but maybe I'm wrong.
Iris Lily. I'm glad too. I will never (for the life of me) understand how anyone can treat a child like an "ordinary thing", but I doubly will never understand (for the life of me) how when they are done with the child or had enough of taking care of the child, pass the child off on whoever, then move on as if everything is OK. That kills me.
Stella. Hmmm, I'm trying to think of the ages of your older two and have a hunch both are older than the boys. This fall the boys will turn 7 and 6! It's enough to make me cry. So many of us tend to say it to ourselves, "where did the time go", yet there truly are times in a person's life where one really does say, for real, "where did the time go". That's me...
With the boys getting older now I want to do a pizza night out for their birthday's this year, then a trip to the bowling lanes after! We're going to have a blast! With just 13 months difference between the two, I like the idea of celebrating both boys birthdays together (after the youngest ones birthday is over). But golly gosh, darn gee, one minute they're in cribs and wearing diapers, and the next minute mom is planning a pizza/bowling night for them!
I think it's cute that Kestra likes all things second-hand, including babies! Definitely let's make good use of what we have! Thank God for people who value that way of life.
I never had to think about adoption because I did a good job spitting out four kids in my 20s and early 30s. But I have yet to have grandchildren, even though my kids are now in THEIR 20s and early 30s. So I'd LOVE to adopt a grandchild! (Can anyone help me out there?). Seriously, DH and I have a biological clock that's ticking madly for taking little ones to Pixar movies, fishing, board games, you name it.
We HAVE briefly considered fostering because of the heart-wrenching situations that some children are in.
Also, speaking of the "forced adoption"--my brother was one. His natural mother died in childbirth, and his dad (my dad's brother, so my uncle) died when my brother was 5 and I was 1. My grandfather, the family patriarch, decided that my brother should be placed in our home vs. the homes of his three other children's families. I had one uncle who really wanted my brother, but my grandfather wouldn't allow it because my uncle had converted from Catholicism to a protestant denomination. I guess it was OK with him that my dad was a raging nasty alcoholic and my mother was extremely fragile emotionally--at least we were Catholic! The sad story was that my brother grew up feeling rejected and unwanted and left home as soon as he legally could. He is now 65 and whenever we're together he STILL goes on and on about the bitterness he felt towards my parents. We really had two different sets of parents, because he is right in that I was the "loved, wanted" one, and he was the one that was thrust upon my mother, who had nothing to say in the matter. Pretty sad.
Mrs-M: I loved reading your story--for some reason I don't recall the details of your adopting your boys. God bless you! And you're right! Time goes so quickly.
Catherine. My heart sank reading the part about your brother. I'm just so happy to know you are a family again, today. Does it ever hit you how fast kids grow? How fast the time has passed? How many years have gone by?
Catherine. My heart sank reading the part about your brother. I'm just so happy to know you are a family again, today. Does it ever hit you how fast kids grow? How fast the time has passed? How many years have gone by?
Mrs-M, I think my edit crossed with your post! Yes, my brother and I are close. Interestingly, we both latched onto very strong families-in-law. My brother has the most wonderful wife in the world--they have two wonderful kids, and the kids even work for my brother. Their home just brims over with love. In my case, my DH family is a real clan-like Scottish family. Extremely tight. If you recall, MIL lived next door to us, she went on every family vacation with us, we were like the 8-headed monster going everywhere and doing everything together. So, I think both my brother, my other brother, and I all sought out to fill the unfortunate emotional holes that we experienced in our family.
You know Catherine, I see it every so often, a quality of love so strong, I can pick up on it when I look into someone's eyes, and I see that quality in you. I really do. Your picture told me of that the first time I saw it. (Sorry if that comes across as sounding hokey). You've made me feel so happy again knowing your brother has a close and wonderful family by his side and behind him! :)
P.S. Every so often I obtain my laugh of the day, right here, on this forum, and today you just provided me with my laugh of the day! i.e. "we were like the 8-headed monster"! ROTFLMAO!
catherine
7-21-11, 10:58am
I see it every so often, a quality of love so strong, I can pick up on it when I look into someone's eyes!
Right back atcha... I think you're just looking at a reflection of you, Mrs-M ;)
I think it's probably true of both of you.
Mrs. M, the boys are right around the ages of my girls. The girls are already 6 and 7 so they are a little bit older, but not much. I like the shared birthday thing too. Each of our kids has a "birthday buddy" with a birthday near theirs. Cheyenne's and Travis' birthdays are 3 weeks apart and Bella's and James' birthdays are a month apart.
Originally posted by Catherine.
Mrs-M, I think my edit crossed with your post!Make a wish! I already did. :) Thank you so kindly for your wonderful words.
Stella. Thank you as well. :) Squeak, just slightly older! So close... Wow, are your kids birthdays ever close together! I like thinking about the fun we'll have in the years to come.
Emotionally I could adopt any child, any race, any age, special needs or boring regular child.
But what I experience in real life is an demanding job that runs 50+ hours/week and three teenagers still at home with all their demands/drama.
So, no--thank you. I am doing all I can right now.
The rest of you, carry on......
Fawn. Your words warm my heart and spirit.
rodeosweetheart
7-24-11, 5:51pm
As a mother of three adult kids (now there's an oxymoron), two adopted and one biologically related, I just have to say it always kind of bug me to hear folks say, "and we decided to have one of our own" using "one of our own" to distinguish the biologically related child. Yikes. I know I share my sons with their biological mom, and will always bless her for bringing them into the world, but really- it must be a terrible thing to hear yourself described this way, as though you don't really belong to your parents.
I once heard that Charlton Heston, who was in the same boat as me, with kids of both varieties, was asked once which of his kids was adopted, and he said he had forgotten. I have always loved Charlton Heston for that, notwithstanding his NRA deal.
I love all of my kids the same. I'm lucky to have had the pleasure of knowing and loving them. None of them belong to me--that's just the nature of having children!
Rodeo, I am a mom by adoption, and while I have only one child, I would never think of introducing her as my adopted daughter. She is my kid, my love bug, my baby and how we became a family is irrelevant to almost every social exchange. I never in a million years thought I would agree with the late Mr. Heston, but I love what he said on this topic.
As for making the decision to build my family through adoption, I struggled briefly about wanting to experience pregnancy and birth (not in the cards for me.). When a social worker asked me, what is it that you want, to have a baby or to be a mom...well that sealed the deal. I love being a mom! I feel honored and blessed to be a parent to my DD...even when she is cranky! And for those prospective parents who feel angst about biology, I have to share that while I am not the biological parent of my daughter, she couldn't be more like me in her mannerisms and behavior. Ir is the time and love in parenting and family building that matter, not the origins!
goldensmom
7-24-11, 8:08pm
Adoption questions and answers I’ve come across and clarifying terms:
Are they all yours? Yes, unless some in the group are other relatives or friends then the answer is no.
Which ones are adopted? Why does it matter?
Which ones are biological? All children are biological as are all adults.
Are you their real mother? Yes, I am real.
Adoptive parent: One who legally assumes the care and responsibility of a child to whom they did not give birth; with all the rights of a natural born child including the rights of inheritance.
Birth parent(s): the parent who gave birth to a child and/or the father the child.
Any others?
all of the adoptive parents whom i know tell me "I don't remember not giving birth to this kid." which is a funny way of saying that they have always been a parent-child diad, and that's just that. It's just perfectly right at all times (in feeling, even though there is the normal human "struggle" or "tangle" or "puzzle" of parenting).
it's very cool.
and yeah, i totally do not get the "issue" of like, why, "one of our own" means anything to anyone. like, I love my kid -- and I'm glad that I got pregnant and had him and all of that -- but I don't think htat's necessary to be as absolutely, ridiculously devoted to him as I am. I mean, every adoptive parent whom I know is also absolutely, ridiculously devoted to their kiddos too. So, it makes no sense to me at all.
Just doesn't.
and oddly, kids who are adopted often 'really look like' their adoptive parents. I remember one young woman with whom i went to school came to the mother/daughter lunch at the school, and they looked *SO* alike. I was like "wow, you *really* look like your mom!" and her mom said "that's funny, because she's adopted!" In a rather snarky tone, too. Perhaps i'm just completely blind. :)
I don't know. I think that ifyou live together, you start to be like each other -- movement, ways of speaking, ways of dress, etc. I think the only thing that would truly tip me off is if the child is a different race. But even then, I don't assume that kiddo isn't a birth parent either. A friend of mine's husband is japanese, she is white, and their daughter looks very much like her father. Everyone things she's adopted from china. which sets my friend off in so many different directions! Poor gal.
Anyway, much love to all babies.
and oddly, kids who are adopted often 'really look like' their adoptive parents.
This reminds me of some kids I used to know, a sister and brother. The sister was adopted and she andthe brother were only a couple of months difference in age. Everyone who met them assumed they were twins because they looked so similar. Even for fraternal twins the resemblence would have been uncanny. They actually liked telling people that the girl was adopted because they liked to see people's surprised reaction. I still think of them as twins, actually and I think they kind of do too.
all of the adoptive parents whom i know tell me "I don't remember not giving birth to this kid." which is a funny way of saying that they have always been a parent-child diad, and that's just that. It's just perfectly right at all times (in feeling, even though there is the normal human "struggle" or "tangle" or "puzzle" of parenting).
Well since I could never give birth to anybody...a quick story from the other side of the gender divide.
While I was admiring my newborn granddaughter six years ago my son-in-law looked down at her over my shoulder and asked if the baby reminded me of my daughter when she was born. I remember having a moment of panic that I couldn't summon a memory of my own daughter when she was an infant until a second later it dawned on me that I didn't get to see her until she was two. A split second later my son-in-law thought about his question and then got a look on his face that essentially said "Oh yeah. I forgot"
Rodeosweetheart. Your mention and example of oxymoron made me laugh! (Thanks for that). Re: the sensitivity involved with adopted and bio kids, so true. I wish parents were more conscious of that. P.S. Hugs to you Re: your children!
Rvk62. Like yourself, I too have never introduced my boys as being adopted.
Goldensmom. I love it!!! Trying to think of an addition or two to add to your list, but you've covered it off so well! (Thanks for that).
Zoebird. So true about, "I don't remember not giving birth to this kid/these kids"! Our two were babies when we got them and aside from me not giving birth to them vaginally, all else is as 100% mom, 100% baby, 100% child, and 100% bio as it gets!
Stella. Love the story!
Weston. Likewise, a lovely story!
Wildflower
7-26-11, 4:19am
Wildflower. Thank you for sharing your warm story with us. :) I remember you mentioning your grandson a few times in the past, and I think about him occasionally and wonder how he and family are doing, yet I tend to hold back in asking, not wanting to burden you.
Mrs-M, never a burden. I'm always glad to talk with you! :)
I forgot to add to my original post that we had planned to adopt a child after the loss of our third baby. But I developed Lupus in that time period, my mid 30's, and so we had to let that dream go.... When our DD and SIL adopted our grandson it really was a dream fulfilled in all of our lives. :)
Wildflower. So nice to hear from you. :) P.S. Been really missing your presence on the forum lately. (I mean really missing you).
I wish things would have turned out differently for you. (I'm sorry). Your parenting style (from everything you have posted about and everything I have read) tells me that you would have made for the greatest mom of all! :)
I have four children that I gave birth to: 15, 13, 13 and 9. I've considered being a foster parent, which I think I would be really good at, especially considering I'm open to infants (I've heard that that's not common, because many foster parents work outside the home and can't deal with sitting) and because 2 of my children were medical needs so I'm comfortable with oxygen, IV medications, therapies and more. :)
But, a few years ago, a close friend of mine had a tangle with CPS and it scared me to half to death. Even though we found out afterward that the Social Worker in her case mishandled her family and was censured for her behavior, I'm still extremely skittish about inviting government officials into my home, even if we'd be in the same team, ya know?
So, this isn't really about adoption (although it could definitely lead to that, that's not why we're getting into to it, though) I thought maybe someone in this thread knows something that could get me over my fear?
If it weren’t for adoption, I wouldn’t exist! Let me explain.
My father was the youngest of 5 or 6 kids and was apparently a pretty sickly baby. His mother died of TB when he was 6 months old His father had his hands full - the oldest child was only 7 or 8 years old and he simply couldn’t handle a sick baby on top of the other kids. My father’s aunt (his mother’s sister) had been married for close to 20 years and had been unable to have children. She asked his father if she and her husband could adopt him, and he agreed.
He was raised as an only child and he always told me that he had it pretty good because his father had a steady job even though the Depression and he got all of the medical care, good food, etc. that he needed (and he didn’t have to share his toys!). He always said that if his father hadn’t given him up, he most likely wouldn’t have survived.
He only lived a couple of blocks from his bio-father and his bio-siblings (now legally his uncle and cousins), and they all attended the same church and schools. His parents didn’t tell him he was adopted until he turned 18, but by then he’d heard it from his bio-siblings at school and he’d found the adoption papers at home. I now have those adoption papers from 1925.
In the “small world” department – my mother’s grandmother lived a few doors down the street from my father and his parents, and my mother remembers hearing talk when she was a child about “that little boy that the Gs adopted.” :)
Wildflower
7-28-11, 4:23am
Wildflower. So nice to hear from you. :) P.S. Been really missing your presence on the forum lately. (I mean really missing you).
I wish things would have turned out differently for you. (I'm sorry). Your parenting style (from everything you have posted about and everything I have read) tells me that you would have made for the greatest mom of all! :)
Thank you, Mrs-M. Your kind words are much appreciated. :)
Djen. This may or may not be of any importance to the concerns or questions you may have, but a few weeks after our two boys were settled in with us it was apparent that I would need help and support in dealing with their behavioral problems and issues (a result of the abuse they endured), so through Child and Family Support & Care Services, I incorporated the help of two Child & Family Counselors. They (both women), would come into our home daily (for the first while) and observe, offer up help and advice, and work with me to create effective strategies in dealing with the boys. They also analyzed, assessed, and evaluated the boys cognitive development.
After roughly 4 weeks of having them come in daily (for several hours at a stretch), they began visiting twice, sometimes three times per week (depending), slowly weaning themselves from our family situation to allow me to take control. They were such a help and blessing, and short of them being support counselors, it really was no different from having a visit from CPS when they were around, as both counselors had the authority to, and legally binding duty to, if required, step in and take full control, however both were very open and forthcoming in letting me know (from the very start) that they were not involved with our family to judge, intervene, or denounce my parenting style and ways.
I personally wouldn't let CPS get in the way of altering my desire to pursue adoption, you shouldn't either.
Sbagirl. What a happy story! I love stories like this. (I'm laughing over the, "and he didn't have to share his toys" part)! Our two boys, whatever they grabbed hold of or found in the way of play things (in our home), they automatically claimed them as being all theirs and theirs alone. Just one of a list of many things I grappled with at the start.
Wildflower. You are most welcome.
Thank you, Mrs-M, that's exactly the kind of thing I needed to hear :)
Mrs. M I think it's amazing that those child welfare workers spent so much time in your home. That's a testament to your love for those boys.
You are most welcome, Djen. :) P.S. Do post again, as it's so nice hearing from you. (You make for such great company on the forum).
Iris, thank you. :) As embarrassed and ashamed as I am to admit to you what I am about to admit, I really, really needed their help really, really bad. I think it's easy (at times) for an experienced mom to get wise a$$ and smarty pants like, becoming too overly sure of herself thinking she knows everything, or most everything, not that that reflects me as a person (or a mom) per se, but I did have four children of my own prior to accepting the boys and I thought, "this will be a walk in the park", but I had never before cared for (need alone raised) abused children/babies, so there was a whole gamut of new obstacles and challenges that blindsided and broadsided me, and none where of the typical child-rearing sort/nature I was used to dealing with. In fact I had never dealt with any of it...
Thinking back on it now, they were a blessing for me (and the boys). They had so much experience in settling down the baby when he'd cry out, cries that I had never heard before, cries that exemplified abuse and neglect. I would fold-up when he did it. All of the things I knew as to calming a perfectly healthy and happy baby, failed, yet when the ladies took over, they were always able to settle him.
Of course, with two babies (both in diapers and on bottles), the family support/care workers were saviors when it came to helping out with the likes of things like changing diapers, feeding, and everything else that babies require. I found myself often asking myself (quietly, in my own mind) at the end of a busy day, "what would I do without them". It was the difference between me maintaining my basic sanity or going completely off the deep end.
Aw, thank you, Mrs-M, that really means a lot. Especially coming from you. :)
Wow, that must have been such a difficult time. What a blessing you all were to each other!
Hi Djen! Everything in the way of my hopes and dreams Re: the boys, hinges on them not remembering their abusive past. i.e. Them being so young and all when it all took place. I sometimes think, maybe (just maybe), because they were showered with such unconditional love and affection and care when we got them, I pray it's those early days (with us) that curtail and define who they end up being and grow into.
Iris, thank you. :) As embarrassed and ashamed as I am to admit to you what I am about to admit, I really, really needed their help really, really bad. ....
See? That's what I mean, it's a testament to your love that you plowed forward to get what you needed to help them.
I know about being a smarty pants know it all. I get 6 medium size rescue dogs through this house a year. So, when we got wind that we'd have to take in 6 small dogs at once I thought: how much trouble can these little dogs be?! They are LITTLE! We can put them all in one room! They are old, all they will do is sleep!
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha--NOT!
I was overwhelmed. I needed help, too! The French bulldog local representative really helped a lot and without her, I'd have put down one of the two troubled ones (there was a biter and a sick one.) Plus, two sets of them didn't get along. It was CHAOS! Keeping the A Team away from the B team, and then keeping the biter happy so that she didn't bite, and them feeding the sick one every 4 -6 hours, egad!
As it turns out, they all got good homes.
Children are not dogs, I know that, they are much more complicated than dogs, but this experience was enough for me. Not even remotely at the level of two troubled babies, though.
Hi Iris. I loved reading your post. :) The part about you taking in 6 little ones made me laugh! I know in speaking for myself, I tend to approach familiar things with a rather closed-minded mentality. If I've done something before I'll think to myself, "oh, heck, I know how to do that", and it's that sort of thinking that gets me in trouble. For some reason I have a hard time thinking outside the box.
I'm delighted and warmed over people like you Iris. You help make this world a more loving, and caring, and heartwarming place. I'm ecstatic over the fact that you didn't have to put down one of the troubled dogs. (That's my chicken soup for the soul for today)! And what a big filling bowl it is! :) P.S. Keep up the good work!
Fawn. Your words warm my heart and spirit.
Mrs M, I know you will understand...I have been away from the boards, busy with kids and work and just found this tonight. Tears are running down my face, 'cause I know you "get this"... this fierce mommy-love.
We will give our kids what they need.
And the world is a better place for all the parents that have done so, whether the kids come biologically or through some other means. (And Iris Lily--while I do not usually include other mammals in the parenting discussion, I include you as an honorary parent, as I think that you get it.) [smirk....OK....I don't think that you are another mammal, I meant the puppies]
just got news today that friends of mine -- who are so fun and awesome and loving and cool -- just got approved to be foster parents! They don't know when they'll get a placement, but they are very happy with this approval!
she has PCOS and is unlikely to be able to get pregnant (she's been trying for several years), and so they finally went this route and they are super psyched! :D
Fawn. A warm hug just for you! :) Yes, I definitely understand.
Zoebird. So happy for your friends! I just know the waiting process would drive me crazy! :)
Has anyone ever adopted older children, like, say 15 or older? Or known anyone who has?
I am back looking at Minnesota's Waiting Children. I have been looking at the site off and on for the last two years or so, and see some of the same faces from every other time I've looked. :(
http://www.mnadopt.org/meetthekids.php
Visiting the link you posted made me cry, Fidgiegirl. I wish our world was different. If I didn't have children I would love to adopt an older child (or two), maybe even three. Those poor kids, I can see their eyes crying, calling out for someone to love them.
I have 2 adopted children wich were adopted at the ages of 3 and 5 years old .they are natural brother and sister.they are now 36 and 38 years we are a very close familie.
Wouldn't know what to do now that my DH had such a bad stroke,if the kids didn't come home and help as much as they can,
Anita
Blessings to you Anita. Your story makes me so happy, and I'm so glad to know you have support.
Thank you Mrs-M.I sure need all the help i can get.
Fidgiegirl..I didn't know there were 15,16 and 17 year old chidren waiting to be adopted.They must be off to college soon.
Anita
fidgiegirl
8-9-11, 10:37pm
Anita, I am also glad you have your children to rely on.
It seems that in Minnesota children can even still be adopted at 18. The older ones really speak to me, because if they don't get adopted, they just graduate out of the foster care system and are all on their own, floating . . . maybe they access other family members for support but I would think if they had that kind of support available they wouldn't have been up for adoption in the first place? I imagine life all on my own at 19, 20, even 25, even now! . . . no mom to call to know how to cook the most basic of items or how to get that stain out of my best pants that I can't afford to replace, nowhere to go on Thanksgiving or Christmas, you get it. People need parents during that time of life. But it's also scary, because I would guess for most children to have been in foster care at that age that they would have a lot of anger and trust issues on top of any normal teenage issues.
Originally posted by Fidgiegirl.
I imagine life all on my own at 19, 20, even 25, even now! . . . no mom to call to know how to cook the most basic of items or how to get that stain out of my best pants that I can't afford to replace, nowhere to go on Thanksgiving or Christmas, you get it. People need parents during that time of life.I thought about the same thing.
Hi Spartana.In Canada age limit is 42 for married couples don't know about single person .
smurfybabe
8-10-11, 9:27pm
I'm considering foster parenting with the intent to adopt. We have one bio son who is 5 and he always says he wants mommy to have another baby. I wouldn't go that far, but I thought it would be nice for him to have a brother and figure that since there are always kids who need homes, why not let one into ours? One day I'd like to foster more kids, I told DH I'm going to "semi-retire" when I'm about 40 (I'm 32 now) and just be a foster parent. Not sure if he's on board with that part yet!
yeah, DH and I looked into fostering 'older children' and were told we werent' old enough to foster anyone over age 8. which was funny, because DH was 36 at the time (and I was 32), and most of our friends had 10 and 12 yr olds (most of our friends either had kids in their early 20s, or like us, didn't have kids). I then got pregnant, and so that was that as far as DH was concerned.
still, i think the age that we had to be was 40 or 42 or something.
Smurfybabe. Your heart is in the right place. I hope your dream comes true.
Zoebird. On one hand I get a chuckle out of- "we aren't old enough", yet on the other, it chaps my a$$! As far as I'm concerned, old enough to bare, old enough to care. (Maturity being paramount of course).
http://pflagfostermom.blogspot.com/
Here's a fascinating blog about permanent foster care for teens. I have to say that I have really been thinking about teens lately. This kind of a blog is a good reality check for me because I think I tend to romanticize things like this. I doubt it would ever happen for us because DH is pretty opposed. But I can still read . . .
This post in particular was really impactful: http://pflagfostermom.blogspot.com/2006/04/allegory.html
Hi Fidgiegirl. Over the weekend I'll visit the blog link you posted and revisit this thread again.
iris lily
9-10-11, 12:16am
http://pflagfostermom.blogspot.com/
Here's a fascinating blog about permanent foster care for teens. I have to say that I have really been thinking about teens lately. This kind of a blog is a good reality check for me because I think I tend to romanticize things like this. I doubt it would ever happen for us because DH is pretty opposed. But I can still read . . .
This post in particular was really impactful: http://pflagfostermom.blogspot.com/2006/04/allegory.html
I liked that too. Those poor kids, so people expect them to "love" whichever foster family take them in at the moment? That's ridiculous.
My brother is adopted. He was supposed to come to our family at 18 mo but because of a legal issue was two and a half. He'd been moved to or from his birth mother's home or various foster homes 11 times during his short life, and somehow gotten a broken arm at one point which may or may not have been the result of abuse. Everything with him has been, and at times continues to be, a struggle. He spent his entire adolescence high on drugs or in juvie jail despite my parents' best efforts, and has been involved with the criminal-justice system for most of his adulthood, though not all of it in prison. Having grown up with the ugly side of adoption, I was pretty sure I was not interested in signing up for that. Now, intellectually I *know* plenty of adoptions work out really well and one of DH's best friends is a poster child for good adoptions. But knowing something intellectually doesn't always make it possible to overcome emotionally and eventually we decided that we weren't interested to have kids by biological means, either. Kudos to all of you who do/would/did take the chance on adoption, and to your children.
Fidgiegirl. Just finished reading the entries related to both links you posted. The second entry made the most impact on me, too. Thank you so much for that.
RosieTR. What a nice post. I felt plugged, clogged, and stuffed-up as I read the story about your brother having to endure a multitude of foster homes by age 2-1/2. No child can establish themselves that way, as adults, we need (and seek) solidness and stability in our lives, children are no different, they also require the same.
Will keep your brother in my thoughts and prayers. I like to wish, always have, and I've made many, many wishes in my life, so if I may, I'd like to make another wish tonight in recognition of your brother. My wish tonight is, I hope your brother can find the strength, the wisdom, and the courage (through intervention if need be) to ascend that steep mountain that stands in his way, and for him to one day (soon) reach the peak, the very top, and conquer all that was lost during the years of his childhood and youth, and gain back some pride, pride to allow him to expand and morph into whatever his dreams fashion.
Weeks after the boys were settled in with us (permanently), the newness of everything (I think) overwhelmed them to a degree, so in the evenings after I'd finish up the days loose ends, I'd strip the boys down, fill the bathtub with hot water, drop in a few play toys, then set them down inside to splash and play.
They played happily and once I was done bathing and scrubbing them all fresh, I'd remove them from the water (one at a time), dry each one off with a big fresh fluffy towel, then wrap the towel around them to keep them warm and comfy, then off we'd go to the nursery. I'd double them up inside one crib (together), diaper them, then dress them in their soft little comfy pj's, comb-back (slick) their still damp hair, and then we'd take up residence on the couch in the living room, in front of the television, under a big warm quilted comforter. There all three of us would sit, like one, all packed in right beside one another like sardines, one kid on each side of me so I could hold them and comfort them and keep them close.
A half hour would pass, sometimes an hour, then the heaviness of night-time would fall/visit, eyes closed and sound asleep. Then, one at a time I'd transfer them into their cribs and tuck them in for the night. Innocent and fragile little cherubs they were. So vulnerable and susceptible, yet somehow, with them now in the safety of our home, under the care and love of our roof, I worried no more. Amazingly enough, I picked up on the subtle changes that took place within them, and from everything I seen (witnessed), they too had washed themselves clean of all their worries, too.
Yes, we could adopt, easily. But we seem to adopt handicapped dogs and homeless cats now.
Friends of ours adopted a little boy years ago, and two of our nephews adopted children - one adopted two little girls, sisters. Adorable children!
Marianne. Adopting IMO means love, so be it children or animals, it's all good! :) So nice to know there are those like yourself who care. That never fails to warm my heart.
This post in particular was really impactful: http://pflagfostermom.blogspot.com/2006/04/allegory.html
That was a great post! I bookmarked the blog so that I can read through it more. Thank you :)
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