July Rants

[Stella]

Ugh. This is really so minor I should really just let this go.

For the most part I DO NOT like chatting on the phone during the day when I am the only one home. This is widely known amongst my friends as I make no secret of it. I tell all of my friends and all potential friends when I give them my phone number that I am not good about answering my phone during the day.

I have four little kids and at best my phone calls are frequently interrupted, at worst all hell breaks loose because I am not paying attention and they know it. I know that this is just how kids are. It's how I was as a kid. It's how my friend's kids are. Even at 10 my nephew still does that.

I also spend my days homeschooling, cleaning, organizing, washing laundry, changing diapers, reading stories and I like to give my attention to the task at hand as much as possible. It's nice to be able to complete a task or a thought without interruption. I don't answer the phone when I have visitors unless it's an emergency or a brief, "hey honey, I'm on my way home" kind of phone call because I also like to give my full attention to people when I am with them. I prefer to save the rambling conversational chats for evenings when other people are here with the kids or they are in bed (by 8PM sharp) when I can do them justice, or for the (frequent) times that I visit with my friends face to face. I make exceptions if someone is going through something big (death, illness, etc) but that's pretty much how I operate and I am up front about it. I'm fine with phone calls that have a purpose, like firming up plans or asking a question. That's reasonable. I'm talking about "OMG I love my new cell phone and did you hear about Sarah? I don't know what she saw in him anyway!" kind of conversations.

So WHY do people insist on calling me everyday for no reason? Why do they call back several times if I don't answer? Why do they get offended that I am not constantly and instantly available? If I worked a 9-5 job outside I wouldn't be available at all hours of the day. In fact the people who call me and get irritated that I don't answer have out-of-the-house jobs and are usually calling on their breaks or on the ride to and from work. Why is it OK for them to have limits and not for me?

I have had friends, people I see once or twice a week in some cases, complain that my kids take up most of my day. I think considering that I am a SAHM I have a pretty balanced life. I probably get together with an average of 3-4 groups of people a week plus a date night with DH. This week I am scheduled to get together with four different groups of people and I have already had spontaneous hanging-out time with two other friends and a cousin. And it's Tuesday.

I dearly love my friends but I don't like feeling beholden to people like that. I can't explain it exactly, but it bothers me. I do need down time. I'm an extrovert, so I don't need a ton of it, but even extroverts need some down time.

OK. I feel better getting that off my chest.

[loosechickens]

Well, I'm kind of notorious among our acquaintances for not answering the phone and even refusing to answer the door, and have, more than once, gotten, "Dang it, I KNOW you're in there.....answer the door!" from friends.....I don't know what the answer is, because, honestly, it seems like the more you set limits, the more elusive you are from being available on demand, the more interested they are in connecting with you. The Greta Garbo syndrome?

At any rate, I sympathize......stick to your guns. It's your life, it's your family....it sounds like you give plenty of time and attention to friends....they'll just have to learn to deal with your limits.

Hang in there........

[iris lily]

Ugh. This is really so minor I should really just let this go.

No! We NEED a July rant thread! Where we gonna rant?

Your post brought back memories of my 2 year old brother, clinging to the leg of my mom who was on the phone. He screamed and cried because she was taking attention away from him. My mother did not spend much time on the phone, she was always standing in these scenarios, but I am laughing now because that is probably the one single memory that caused me to NEVER EVER want children. I tell this to my brother now and he thinks I am making it up, but I am not.

Me, I'm not so elusive to get on the phone when I'm around home, but I seldom listen to messages, I just don't care.

[Rosemary]

I don't feel obligated to answer the phone unless (a) my daughter is not with me, and her school or caregiver might be trying to reach me, or (b) it rings before 7am which could be an emergency call from a long-distance family member. Since those occasions are both rare, I can go a long time without answering the phone, and if someone were to call me repeatedly I would turn it off (we're a cell phone only household). Unplug it!

Neither my SAHM friends nor I have time to chat on the phone. We plan a couple get-togethers/week when we can - which is rare during the summer, unfortunately - and we plan them by email, which I prefer - it is there when I have time for it, and doesn't invade my space otherwise.

[iris lily]

hey Stella, as I think about it, I don't really have friends who call just to talk. While I've had that off and on over the years, it was never many of them, perhaps there would be one friend every few years who liked to talk on the phone. I used to like it a lot when I was in my 20's and 30's. But now, nope.

I think that your friend who tells you that you are too available for your children is not much of a friend. That statement is ridiculous.

[susanne c.]

My mother always said that I was too available to my children. She was insanely jealous of them, and resented it each time we had or adopted a baby. We have 5 children. When the youngest needed another surgery on his hip about two years ago she totally freaked out about how he was faking the pain (he was 10 and on morphine IV) and how we weren't doing enough for her because of taking care of him. My eldest son, who has Aspergers, was also home from Asia for the first time in two years, and needed a lot of attention. It was her or them. After 25 years of trying to balance her needs with husband and children I had a mini nervous breakdown (son gets Aspergers from me). I haven't spoken to her since.
Where do people get the idea that your children shouldn't have first claim on your attention and care? or that if they do and you are happy with it something is wrong with you?

[Bastelmutti]

I work at home and have this same problem. I think in the fall when things pick up with work and school (both mine and the kids'), I am going to have to set some firm boundaries, although I was a bit lax about that in the past.

[Stella]

Thank you guys! I feel so much better knowing that I am not alone. I think the kids statement was weird too. I might understand it if I were never able to do anything without my kids ever, but that isn't the case.

LC, it's true, the more elusive I seem the more people seem to want to contact me.

Rosemary, I prefer e-mail too. Or facebook. I like being able to respond when it is convenient for me.

Iris, I don't have a lot of experience with adult friends wanting to call and chat prior to this either. Sure, in high school, but since then unless the friends are long distance for the most part we just talk when we see each other. This is new.

Suzanne, that is awful! DH's mom had a similar jealousy issue with our kids. We ended up moving 2000 miles away.

Bastelmutti, I think firm boundaries will eventually help. I hope so anyway!

[treehugger]

I have never liked talking on the phone, even when I was a teenager. Then add in a 3-year stint as a receptionist (even though this was 15 years ago), and I hate even the sound of the phone ringing. Totally a rant-worthy subject. :)

My rant: 4 houseguests for a week and we are down to one working toilet.

Kara

[Bastelmutti]

I'm with ya! I'm a firm believer that just because my doorbell or phone rings, doesn't mean I have to answer it. If it's important, they'll leave a message.:-)

We try to do this. It's hard with people who refuse to leave messages (leaving us wondering if it's an important call or not) or refuse to understand that we don't pick up the phone if we're busy (and call repeatedly on both of our cells)...cough...my parents...cough...

[Mrs-M]

Oh, I hear you Stella! :) Maybe other mothers here will attest to this, but is it just poop house luck, or does the phone ALWAYS ring when you just get started doing something important? Like something messy or involved or consuming where your hands are quite literally tied up until you sort things out/clean things up? Because that's me!

When my two youngest were babies it never failed, I'd just start changing one of them and the phone would ring! Used to drive me mad!!! Sometimes, if I wasn't far into the change and had just pulled their pants off, I'd answer, cutting straight to the issue, "got to call you back, I'm changing the baby"! Otherwise, I'd just let the phone ring out. But it was the endless ring after ring calls that drove me insane, still does, you know the ones, where the phone rings over, and over, and over again, like twenty or thirty times over again!
http://www.skyscrapercity.com/images/smilies/gaah.gif

That, or I'd just get started slapping together a large bowl of hamburger into patties and the very second I'd dip my hands into the mixture, the phone would ring!
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[Stella]

That's exactly how it goes for me Mrs. M. Like today when my friend called twice in the span of 10 minutes while I was feeding the baby and trying to get him down for a nap. My entire afternoon hangs on this 15 minute block of time! I'm not answering the phone!

LOL. The hamburger thing really hits home. I almost have a fear of touching raw meat when there is no other adult around. Invariably someone will need something, the phone will ring, or someone will get hurt as soon as my hands are dirty.

[Stella]

In a related rant, the baby now refuses to sleep. Sigh. I've been up since 4AM. I really need you to nap kid!

[Mrs-M]

LOL! Stella!!! This thread subtly reminds me of the many things we all do in our homes, same things, common stuff, and how outside influences, like the ringing of a telephone adversely affects us as homemakers and mothers!

Whenever we had a baby in the home and baby was sleeping, I'd always exercise my authority with the likes of posturing, body language, and verbalized promises such as, "if you wake the baby, mommy is going to be some upset with you", or, my favourite, idle threats, such as, "if you wake the baby you're going to get a spanking". (Not once did I ever spank any of my kids for waking a sleeping babe, but I sure loved the effectiveness and response it always generated). Tricks of the trade...

Ugh, I've been were you are Stella. If you can, try laying down yourself (with baby). Whenever one of the kids (babies) was upset or overly tired (usually the result of one mood feeding off the other), I'd grab a blanket and lay down on the couch or bed and settle in with baby in arms or by my side. Seemed to have such a soothing and settling effect on them. Settled mom, too!

I hate that weary, dizzy feeling that arises as a result of being sleep deprived. Everything is an all out effort, you feel almost sick, sluggish, and totally washed out. Do try and get some rest. Have you tried giving the baby a warm bath? I found that worked wonders for my kids, that, or laying them across my lap and gently patting their rumps. The old rump-pat worked like magic! (Quite possibly the result of the repetitive sound of my hand making contact with the plastic waterproofs over their diaps).

[SiouzQ.]

I am really, really sick of my body aches and pains today, as it makes me feel stiff and old. My chiropractor is on vacation until August 8th and something is really out of wack in my lower back and pelvis and it is literally making everything from the top of my legs to the feet and toes kind of ache and burn...if would love to have a good dose of Vicodin or a massage or something...

[Anne Lee]

With regard to missed phone calls, my father always said if it's important they will call back and if it's really important, they will call someone else. When my son was in Afghanistan I was pretty quick on the phone but have eased off that some now.

[Mrs-M]

Stella. Something else worth mentioning Re: comforting little ones, my SIL has a white noise sound machine (small little unit) she got as a baby shower gift when her children were little. It has a handful of selections to choose from, but the rain selection was the most popular selection in her home when her kids were at the baby stage. I don't think they cost a lot and from everything I've seen as to how well my SIL's worked, it's something I thought might interest you and be of some benefit to you (and your little one).

[iris lily]

This isn't a rant so much as an expression of sadness and surprise. The fabric store nearest to me closed. It was a Jo-Ann's Fabrics store. I no longer know where to go to get dress fabrics. Not that I sew dresses, but I do have need for that kind of fabric a few times a years for various projects.

I discovered this Friday night as I happened to pass by the former Jo-Ann's Fabrics store. Soon after, I noticed that my favorite plant nursery closed and the art store is gone.
Victims of this economy? I don't know. Are fabric stores even viable other than for quilting? Now, Jo-Ann's had crafts and a decent line of knitting supplies, so I thought that their market niche was pretty solid. They were poised to hold supplies for whatever craft trend of the moment as well as offering a decent supply of fabrics.

edited to add: Oh, I see that the Jo-Ann Fabrics store has moved to a newer, niftier building in a better location. Ok, never mind on that particular issue. I think they are somewhat near Michael's so now I can hit both stores when I have craft needs.