50 ways to make small talk when you just don't care

[puglogic]

I'm halfway across the country from my home, attending my stepmother's funeral proceedings. "Viewing," mass, funeral procession, the whole nine yards.

The problem is I don't really have much good to say about her. She couldn't wait to get me out of her life when she married my late father, forbade him to speak to me for years, has never cared about my siblings and I, and essentially drank herself to death, leaving everything to her "real children" (the ones she had with my dad)....even things from my mother that she took possession of.

So I'm trying to jot down a collection of things I can talk to people about during these interminable formalities over the next couple of days. (This would also keep me from accidentally saying things like, "You're right, she was a lovely person....to YOU.")

Sounds like I'm bitter, and on some level I suppose I am, but I'm feeling pretty distant and beyond it all most of the time, just going through the motions. But I do need to talk to people if they talk to me.

What are some neutral conversation territories I can stay in?
How have you - when you needed to - stuck to the old adage, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" ?

[leslieann]

Hmm, good question. "She will be missed." (but not by me!)

You can also go to the failsafe method of asking a question rather than offering a comment: "How were you connected to ....?" that way the burden of conversation is on the other person and if they met doing, say, volunteer work, you can then talk about the work and avoid the deceased. This is what most people do at funerals anyway, I think. Or inquire about how they are handling the loss, if they are closer to the deceased. or you could just look sad and distant and probably everyone would be fine with that but I wonder if your internal dialog might be more comfortable for you if you let other people talk to you about themselves.

I felt kind of like this when my mother died: how to deal with all the lovely things people say when folks are dead when my own experience was not so lovely. It isn't easy! I hope you can find some pleasant things in these few days; relatives whom you enjoy, time for a quiet walk by yourself, good food, you know.

[iris lily]

Find one thing, just ONE thing, that you can focus on that she did well, and that's the nugget you can use but only when you have to. One tiny thing, you can find it! Is there a dish that she cooked that you really liked? Then you mention the dish as in "I always loved her chicken casserole" and if needed, you can mention details about the casserole (going small) or can broaden the casserole schtick by saying "She was a good cook" etc.

But really in this case you mostly remain silent, no need to come up with all kinds of things about the deceased because others will do that, all you need to do is listen. Nod, Smile. Think about your pug. No need to act overly sober, either.

I'm actually surprised that you flew across the country to attend her funeral since you father isn't alive. Why? I doubt that I would have done it.

[razz]

I am sorry to hear that life started out this way for you.

I have gone through something similar in an uncomfortable funeral and chose not to attend. I simply sent my condolences for the loss of a parent to the children involved.

So after you work out why you are going there at all, I would never say anything beyond, "my sympathies for the loss of your mother" to her children.

While I cannot think of 50 things to talk about, I have a few. Usually funerals and weddings are the occasions for siblings to see and catch up on each others lives.

Your MIL probably was no saint to her own children either so mostly I would ask how they are doing and be a really good listener to help them work through issues.


the travel to get there
the weather
those from your past and what is happening in their lives now
siblings families and their happenings
your dad and his life
changes inthe community in which you grew up
how funerals have or have not changed over the years
how clothes fashions to attend funerals has changed
how great it is to see your own siblings if you haven't seen them for a while and how to make this more frequent
the countryside at this time of year and how different or similar


Let go of the negative in your past, emphasize the positive, enjoy the present and look forward to the future.

[leslieann]

What a great list, Razz. Thoughtful. And useful in all sorts of potentially awkward situations.

[rodeosweetheart]

What Razz said! I especially would not speak at all about someone who has hurt you so badly, trying to find nice things to say--you would not be truthful, and there is no reason for you to speak about her-- focus the comments on the person doing the commenting, the liturgy, the weather, how did they travel there, the Cubs, the food--but don't put yourself back in a space where you are that child again, controlled by her cruelty. Not good for you, and you don't need to do it.

[crunchycon]

What razz and rodeosweetheart said as well. My technique is first to say something noncommital (I love "she'll be missed"), then turn the conversation fairly speedily back to the other person. People like to talk about themselves (generally speaking), and you might find out something interesting or something you might have in common.

[jania]

You might be surprised that you really won't need to say much of anything. When my parents died, separate events, even though I loved them dearly I found no one really expected me to say much of anything to them. People would come up to me and say things but usually I could get away with, "Oh thank you so much" "That is very kind of you" "He/She would have loved to hear that" "I know you were a good friend"....see what I mean. I pretty much acknowledged the speaker.

Sounds like this will be a trying event(s) for you so take care as best you can.

[goldensmom]

I really don’t like small talk, makes me uncomfortable, if I don’t have something substantive to say then I don’t say it. Good ideas here. I would briefly reference the deceased then as, leslieann suggested, ask a question (not a yes or no question) to turn the focus and burden on the other person. Bone up by making a list of questions beforehand if you must but don’t haul out your index card in front of them.

[Mrs-M]

I don't partake in small talk. Never have. Uncomfortable setting, comfortable setting, informal setting, formal setting, doesn't matter. My stance related to such is the result of people being mean to me over my lifetime, so now, being all grown up and mature and all, I select who I choose to associate with and trade conversations with, and I take pride in relaying to others who I don't much care for, not interested. In a lot of ways it's sad, because I was never like that years ago, but if you get kicked and prodded and poked enough, some people change, I was one of them.

[puglogic]

Wonderful advice, everyone, and thank you so much. It helped me through this first day of "stuff."

I'm here because I'm not on bad terms with "her children," (they're not totally bad people) and they asked me if I would come. Also, I knew it would be an event that might attract distant family members (cousins especially) who I rarely get to see -- most of whom are really terrific people who genuinely like me. That's how today was, just a few words here, a few there, and following many of the directions you suggest here. It worked.

With gratitude,
pug

[djen]

This is probably too late to help you pug, but I always end up in the hallways entertaining the children. There are usually a group of kids too young to really get what's going on, and their parents are involved in the grieving and it's hard to keep up with them, so I just goof off with them outside the main event. We play Follow the Leader, or tell silly stories, make sure everyone has punch, etc. The parents are glad to know the kids are safe, and I don't have to deal with the adults making dreary small talk...

It all started when my kids were among the ones who were wandering the halls, but now that all of my kids are old enough to sit still for most of these events, I find that my own attention span doesn't last like it used to! So, I still sneak out (with some of my kids to help me) and babysit all the littles. It works for everyone :)

[jp1]

I'm undoubtedly too late in my response as well but my thought in reading this was pretty much the same as Iris Lily's: why are you going to her funeral? It's clear that you didn't like her, she didn't like you and the one connection you had (your dad) is no longer alive so it's not even a case of going 'to be there for him'. Personally I would've stayed home.

[puglogic]

It was good to go for several reasons: Supporting my brothers ("her kids") and helping them map out a plan with each other to divide the estate (she gave everything to them of course); rescuing things that had been my mom's/dad's and which she had squirreled away in storage but had great sentimental value to me; digging through old photographs to again rescue the ones that had meaning for me, including an amazing 8" x 10" of my beautiful mom in her wedding gown; seeing family.

I felt nothing for the deceased any more except pity, but there were nonetheless some good things that came out of it. My family is fairly toxic and so I'm utterly exhausted, can't seem to stay awake for more than an hour or two at a time. So glad to be home in my simple life, where I know what's important. Thank you to my SLN 'fam' for all the compassionate suggestions.