building community for my teen

[Zoe Girl]

My 17 yo dd is having such a hard time. Really physically she doesn't well all the time since she had mono a couple years ago. Then she has the boyfriend who is really bad. She spent a loooong time with no friends after her last boyfriend before this broke up with her. It was horrible. We didn't even do a 16 birthday party because she had spent the whole summer by herself mostly. Now she realizes how bad this boyfriend is but they have been together a year and she knows almost all her friends through him. the latest argument is that his ex-girlfriend spent the night at his house and he doesn't think my dd should be too upset. Woah, reality check. And he wants to hold onto the argument even though we put our dog to sleep today and she really needs him to put it aside.

So we come back to the beginning. We have a great counselor for her but we need to give her some type of group of people almost ready made for a connection that has nothing to do with her boyfriend. It would be nice if it was in the urban area we moved to where no one looks at you funny because you ride the bus or live in a small house. We have a church (unitarian universalist) but most times i can't get them there. I am still working 7 days a week, and the vet bills put me back months for being able to quit the 2nd job. She can get a restricted license but I haven't even had time to take her to get that, and our 2nd car is failing pretty fast. She is also working on getting a job however I know that won't necessarily make a group of friends overnight.

Okay, any wonderful ideas that I have not thought of. I know it will take time but it is so hard to watch her sob her heart out once again over his behavior and then also realize she only has one friend without him. Sigh,..

[sweetana3]

Zoe, realize she has to grieve. Grieve for the relationship that was not what she wanted, the time lost, the dreams lost, etc. Give her time and let her cry. I have heard over and over that trying to "fix" is not as good as listening and being there as the strong support.

She has not died, lost an arm, gone blind, etc. She is living life and learning. Probably good she is learning such hard lessons early while at home than in her 20s with two kids.

[Mer05]

In my experience, there are no groups of people just waiting out there to connect with you and give you an instant social life. Most of what's out there are groups that want participants for particular activities. They often contain friendly people, some of whom may eventually become real friends. Even perfect-on-paper groups may not work out - I didn't click with my (UU!) church's high school crew at all. (Happy ending: I eventually found a niche helping with the young kids.)

Staying busy leaves less time for angst, so do support the doing of things. A job sounds like a really good idea - but it doesn't have to be a way to make friends, it can just be a job.

I'd suggest, don't pressure your daughter to replace the boyfriend-related social group, or to have a particular kind of social life. Having one good friend is not a failure! I felt like a loser in high school because I didn't have a tight circle of close friends, a boyfriend, and social events every weekend. It bothered me because that's what I 'should' have been doing, not because it would actually have made me happier.

If by chance she is looking for social outlets, it's worth looking at (some quarters of) the internet. Transportation not required, and involvement is totally at-will. Forums and messageboards (like SLDF or Craftster) and email groups formed around particular interests can be great for exchanging ideas with people who have similar interests or ideals.

[kally]

I don't think this can really be done for someone her age. People need to choose their companions and friends as they get older. Perhaps there is something she wants to do and then you can encourage it. I think time may be of great help here.

[kally]

does she want to volunteer anywhere? Now THAT I would help her figure out how to do.

[Zoe Girl]

Thanks guys, I thought of volunteering later and so we looked at an animal shelter and the library and she is going to do applications. Also maybe a regular yoga class or something like that. I checked out swim teams but she is struggling with her health so not right now. I guess itis hard to explain why someone this age can't just do it herself, from our old neighborhood there are so many little and big resources that middle class suburbia has that we dont anymore (time, cars, close by friends,) but we always used to have that so we are still figuring out how to do this new way in an urban area without the same resources. Even just talking to her old friends they assume that at any given moment she can have a little money from me or a ride and that mostly is not possible. Wow I sound like a downer, I realize how easy it was for her older sister because at the same age she was living close to friends who were always allowed over to our house and she had a regular job for spending money.

[pinkytoe]

When my dd was in her teens and struggling a bit, she agreed to sign up for a volunteer urban gardening project. As such, she worked beside all sorts of volunteers with some her own age and sort of forgot about her own issues while doing so. To this day, she has a love of gardening that started way back then. I would think any kind of volunteer work in a field she is drawn to would be beneficial.
Little by little...

[ApatheticNoMore]

Yea does seem something she should do herself. She is very nearly a full fledged legal adult. Has she actually asked for help on this? It's one thing to give someone ideas when they ask for help and quite another to just give it uninvited.

[herbgeek]

Yea does seem something she should do herself. She is very nearly a full fledged legal adult. Has she actually asked for help on this? It's one thing to give someone ideas when they ask for help and quite another to just give it uninvited.

Yes, and doing it FOR her tells her that you don't think she is competent to do it herself and undermines her confidence.

[Zoe Girl]

yes I agree, i cannot do it for her, however we are both stumped sometimes for ideas. She has brought it up with me so I feel invited into the discussion instead of just taking over. Most of her friends that she has really don't have the same issues of single parent family and no long term church relationship so we are trying to figure this out. But she has shown interest in a few of the ideas i shared with her, it will be up to her since I can't drive her around or make the connections. So she needs to apply for the volunteer programs she chooses for herself.

[rodeosweetheart]

This sounds like a really good approach, Zoe, and I don't know if you have any around there. but there are some pet therapy programs around here--volunteers take therapy dogs into schools, etc., and also therapeutic riding. For the riding, if she could get to the stable, she could walk the horses for the clients, work on stalls, etc. Not sure about transport, but thesemight be really good sources of volunteer opportunities.

Personallyk, I would prefer to work with animals than at the library, but maybe that is just me. My teenagers got a lot of emotional comfort out of animals and a way to express and receive love. The library would have been too quiet for my gang, but I guess it totally depends on the teenager!!

How about school service clubs when school starts again? Then no transportation issues, and a way to encourage leadership.

And I totally get that you can'tpush these things adn she is almost an adult, etc. Still, my kids have still liked an interested opinion and ideas now and then. (Or so they say, mabye they are just being nice.)

[lhamo]

If she's religious, what about a group like Young Life? It can be a little bit "rah rah" at times, but even though I was turning away from the church when I was a teen I found a good community there. My local group leaders were actually really cool, and encouraged a lot of us slightly odd, black clad youth types to participate. It was also a relatively "safe" space where kids of all kinds kind of put down their alternative (and sometimes strife-ridden) group politics/identities and sat down together. I got to know some people I wouldn't have otherwise and though we never became good friends at least it made it a little easier to get along.

Another thing about YL was that people were pretty good about carpooling, etc. Helps to have an organized meeting time once a week so that you can arrange a regular ride system.

lhamo