Extreme resentment toward DH right before period

[seekingsimplicity]

Any advice for how to deal with some longstanding resentment that I feel really intensely right before my now irregular menopause-type periods?

I seem to think about things said years and years ago that hurt me (we have been happily married 28 years)--like when he commented on how hot looking his best friends younger wife is, or how he told me about another of his buddies infidelity. or how he got drunk with his groomsmen the night before our wedding. There is nothing really wrong with his behavior and you would think that I would have long ago forgotten some of this stuff but it comes up and I cannot quit thinking about it and it is super hard right before my period. In my mind I hate him, hate his personal habits like hawking, or little things he does that are just little idiosyncrasies.

The only person who is tortured by this is me! My husband is a wonderful man, supports our family totally and is a devoted trustworthy man. When I get in this mind set I make him out to be an adversary not a loving man!

It is mainly right before my period but can come up at other times too but a little less intense.

Any advice (books or CDs or anything) is appreciated.

[Alan]

And some people wonder why men don't talk.

[mattj]

And some people wonder why men don't talk.

LOL... I've seen this though w/ my Mom wanting to divorce my dad once a month and to a lesser degree w/ my wife. My wife has been helped very much by the "right" birth control for her and an AD too.

Granted, I'm a man. But, I get that misplaced rage. I was diagnosed as bipolar about a year ago and when it got bad it was almost exactly as you described... rationally I can see how good things are but the odd bits of weirdness from the past suddenly seem SOOOOO important. It sucks.

[CathyA]

When I start really getting irritated with DH, its usually a sign that I'm depressed. Anger is a form of depression. Maybe you're getting a bit depressed? Perimenopause can definitely cause some funky feelings!

[Tradd]

Tell your DH to just throw chocolate from a distance and hide in his man cave until you give the all-clear!

I guess I should be very grateful I've been single. I have seriously bad PMS and well, I ain't nice.

[jennipurrr]

Yes, if you were younger I would say definitely get on a good birth control. The dramatic hormone swings do really cause some major mood changes! I have been on birth control continuously (no off week) for years due to hormonal migraines (its been a life saver as I was incapacitated for up to two days a month), and a nice side effect was none of the moods that come with PMS.

In the moment are you capable of putting your anger aside and telling yourself you will revisit it in a few days? Maybe time and getting over some of the hormonal changes will give some perspective.

Honestly though, if those are the worst things you can ruminate about after a 28 year marriage I definitely thing you have a wonderful partner!!! Maybe some exercises in gratitude may help you when these feelings come through in the future?

[seekingsimplicity]

Should I also be on a heavy duty Vitamin B? I heard it is excellent for taking care of some PMS symptoms?

Thanks for your help so far. Byron Katie's inquiry and the book has helped me in the past (her book is called Loving What Is) but boy sometimes even inquiry does not help. I wonder if I should explain what happens to my husband or not? It might make things worse?

Or maybe I need to discuss some of those resentments with him but do it when I am feeling good?

[seekingsimplicity]

and I have resurrected my gratitude journal too.

[Mrs-M]

and I have resurrected my gratitude journal too.So proud of you I am! :) Good on you!!! Think of it this way. Your marriage is a jewelry box. The dust and grime (on the outside) is nothing but the fragments of all things past (the unlikeable past), but insert the key and unlock the lid, then open, and all glitters inside.

[redfox]

I'd recommend you see a naturopath to help you use diet to regulate your moods. Exercise helps that a lot.

[loosechickens]

Oh, those bad old days of hormone storms........in my younger years, every month I had one great week, two normal weeks and one week when the Wicked Witch of the West seemed to live inside. My exhusband was gifted at throwing gasoline on the fire during Wicked Witch of the West weeks for many years.......after I was divorced and met my sweetie (who's now been my much loved husband for more than thirty years now), after a while there came a time when the Wicked Witch of the West reared her ugly head.

My sweetie listened to the rant for a few minutes with a concerned look on his face, then pulled me down on his lap and said softly, "boy, do you sound like you need a hug", and the Wicked Witch of the West melted into silence, a few healing tears and was then fine. Somehow, he knew JUST what to do to put that fire out........

Oh, the wisdom of that man.....I've never truly deserved him, but am grateful every day of my life that he came into it.

And....he's probably been grateful since a hysterectomy at age 44 fixed the problem, forever, and he never needed to exercise that special intervention again.......

[sweetana3]

It was not until after I had a hysterectomy that I understood the sometime pretty violent hormonal swings I had experienced for over 25 years. i agree with the RX for exercise to reduce and journaling to try and understand the timing of symptoms.

[madgeylou]

sometimes for me, just realizing that it's PMS and not "me" makes me feel a little better and gives me a little distance from my emotions so i can have them without acting on them.

a few years ago, i had one of these episodes and it shook me so deeply that i made myself a little "what to do when you are crazy" kit. i wrote myself a very sweet letter, put some funny things with it, and came up with a list of soothing things to do that would make me feel better ("take a little time on your own, madge. listen to harry potter and knit, go swimming, call your friends J or M, go to barnes and noble and read expensive design magazines while drinking a latte, whatever. but do NOT go to sephora!")

i also made a couple little cards to give to people (aka my man) that said "i am feeling a little crazy today and so i'm going to spend some time on my own. love you and see you when my sanity returns!"

funny thing is, i've never had to use the crazy kit. i think the love and concern i showed myself in making it kind of soothed the savage beast? also the process of thinking about what's happening, how to identify it in real time, and coming up with a plan for how to address it was a really good one to go through.

[Spartana]

Tell your DH to just throw chocolate from a distance and hide in his man cave until you give the all-clear!

I guess I should be very grateful I've been single. I have seriously bad PMS and well, I ain't nice.

HA HA!! This is what my sister's all male macho ex-Marine co-workers do (she's armed security for a defense contractor's weapons test site) - they draw straws to see who will be daring enough to present her with chocolate and diet coke each month and then run for the hills! Nothing like a woman armed with an M-16 and 9mm having PMS to scare even the bravest man!

I agree with the others that it sounds like a hormonal issue and that you should try some kind of birth control pill. I've never used them and hear there can be bad side effects but that might be better then wanting to killing hubby once a month :-)!