View Full Version : Is it OK to cry for others? Do you?
On July 22/2011, there was a tragic fiery car crash two hours North of us, which claimed the lives of an entire Palo Alto California family on vacation here. I was so sickened by the news, I didn't sleep well for nights after, and my days were spent reflecting on the sadness of it all, and the sorrow the poor families loved ones were for surely going through.
Two downfalls of mine, reading way too much into everything, and dwelling on things. Still, I can't seem to shake what happened. I have had a good handful of crying moments since the incident. It's haunting me, badly.
My husband said although it won't happen this year, he does have plans on planting a special tree (next spring) in our yard as a way to remember them.
Mighty Frugal
8-4-11, 5:05pm
I do this too. All the time. I am hesitant about reading tragic tales online but sadly my eyes are drawn to them. Then I spent the next day, week, month, eternity remembering the victims and feeling sick to my stomach. Oh the stories I know...horrific..I think it just means we are part of a society, we have compassion. I'm so sorry to read about that poor family-how awful!
You made me think of a couple of things:
First, did you ever read The Secret Life of Bees? What a great book! One of the characters felt such empathy for absolutely everything she heard about she cried all the time, until her sisters taught her to write it on a piece of paper and then go out to the field and stick the paper the stone wall--kind of a Southern US version of the Wailing Wall. She was such an endearing character.
You also made me think of my husband. Maybe men are the "rational gender" and women are the "emotional gender" but in my family the tables are completely turned. My DH cries at the drop of a hat. He volunteers at a church food distribution once a month and he comes back weeping. He watches documentaries on foster children and he's inconsolable. He listens to Johnny Cash's Everybody Hurts and he's sobbing like a baby.
Go ahead and cry for humanity--empathy is a wonderful trait.
dado potato
8-4-11, 5:24pm
As I have gotten older, I have become weepier. Things people tell me about the damage they sustained in childhood... or contemplating the nutty narcissistic things I see some parents doing, without apparently the slightest consideration for their kids.
Usually the news on TV just makes me cuss.
If you didn't know sadness in your own personal experience, you would not be able to feel that sadness for others. Here is another way to look at it:
The sadness you express is your sadness, for you. We are trained in some ways to believe that feeling our own sadness and expressing our own feelings is selfish but it is okay to feel sad "for" someone else. I suggest that we feel compassion for others but when we are feeling huge sadness, or anger, or fear on behalf of another person, it is our own feeling for our own self. It is worthwhile thinking about what I might be sad or angry or afraid about, when I am having all these big feelings that are for someone else. Have I been neglecting my own emotional life? Have I been focused outward without checking inward? If we are determined to be happy and upbeat and smiling because we believe we are "supposed to" then we sometimes neglect our own fears, sadness,and anger. Those feelings are all part of being human and most of us have most of them at least weekly but we are often unaware.
So this is my formulation and it has worked for me. YMMV of course. But when I am reacting really strongly to a sad movie, sad story, tragic event in the news....I look into myself to just see what is going on in there.
You know, Mrs m, I've thought about this. I think people are naturally self centered, from birth, just as a part of being us. I don't mean in a selfish, narcissistic way, but just in the way that perception is reality, and we each perceive the world from our own being as the center. We see life as starting and stopping with us, and all things are processed as, 'does it, or doesn't it affect me'.
But when a woman gives birth...brings another person to life, or adopts, she is forced out of this self-as-center mind-set, and learns/becomes aware of 'us' as the center of the universe, rather than just 'me' as the center. It changes her whole perspective. Now I'm not saying men can't be loving, nurturing parents, or have empathy, and there certainly are exceptions in all cases, but for the most part, women are hard wired to do this. We are up to the task. Those hallmark commercials are for us (and make me tear up every time!)
So what I'm saying is, a man can see that car accident and say what a tragedy, and think what a tragedy, then move on. He isn't being cold or thoughtless, just that it doesn't affect him personally, so it doesn't stay in his thoughts, which center around him.
But your thoughts don't center on you, but easily can encompass others, so you dwell on others. You imagine that that could have been your family, and how you would have felt.
Women are more empathetic. We are designed to be, so we won't strangle our kids in their sleep! :~)
I think this is why we are so shocked when we hear of mothers harming or killing their children. It really is against nature.
I'm weepy too. Someone can say "I had the most horrible thing happen..." and my eyes will already be spilling over. Sadly that is usually followed by "I stubbed my toe or spilled my coffee" and then I feel silly for having gotten all weepy expecting the worst.
I also easily tear up when someone has great news as well.
I'm so impressed with everyone's answers to Mrs. M!
Sometimes I get really bummed out when I just hear of some awful thing, because I know it will consume my energy and make me sad for a long time. And I know I'll keep thinking about it, long after I should......and imagining all the sad things about it.
I think Leslieann is right when she says that when we seem to "over-react" to a stranger's accident, we are really reacting to something in ourselves that isn't resolved or dealt with.
There was a boy from Purdue who went missing several years ago. I didn't even know him personally. I don't know what it was, but I went to pieces. I became very depressed and even needed some counseling to crawl out of that big black hole. Unfortunately, I never really got to the root of things, but I know I reacted to this situation because of some hurt/loss I had inside me.
That's not to say that we can't all empathize and imagine that its our loved ones who were hurt or killed, but I think its fairly normal to relate to the situations around us. Who would we be if we didn't have empathy/sympathy for others? I think the problem becomes when it affects us too drastically. I think that's probably what you're referring to Mrs. M., right?
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. One thing I did when I got so depressed with this boy being lost (and found dead) was to allow myself maybe 10-20 minutes a day to just feel awful and cry. But then I had to put it away for the rest of the day, until the next day. That seemed to work for me. I know some of the problem might be a little obsessive-compulsiveness, and we CAN'T stop thinking about it.........but its a good start to allot yourself a certain small amount of time to think of the sad thing that happened........then put it away until the next day, when you can spend another 10-20 minutes thinking about it.
Hopefully this might help you a little Mrs. M.
((((hugs)))))
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Springfield_Three
This is the case that affects me the most, their case is mentioned in the news every few months. I never knew any of these ladies but the fact that there are no answers and no bodies still puts me to tears. Its been 19 years now. I remember running into Stacy's mom at a store. The friend I was with knew her and they spoke a bit, we all ended up hugging and in tears at the Clinique counter (this was 3 years after they'd gone missing). I'm in near tears now just writing about it. I just hurt for their families so much. Everyone wants answers.
You guys are such a blessing to me. Each and every one of you has touched on something I relate to, your words comforting. Thank you for dropping by to lend a blanket of calm (for me to wrap myself in), and to remind me that I'm only human. I appreciate each and every one of you.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Springfield_Three
This is the case that affects me the most, their case is mentioned in the news every few months. I never knew any of these ladies but the fact that there are no answers and no bodies still puts me to tears. Its been 19 years now. I remember running into Stacy's mom at a store. The friend I was with knew her and they spoke a bit, we all ended up hugging and in tears at the Clinique counter (this was 3 years after they'd gone missing). I'm in near tears now just writing about it. I just hurt for their families so much. Everyone wants answers.
I know about that case and it's so weird that not a trace of them was ever found.
LittleBittleBobbie who is a former poster on the SLN forum (now banned) was questioned in their disappearance. But as he pointed out, hundreds of people were questioned in their disappearance so don't get any ideas. Innocent until proven guilty!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Springfield_Three
This is the case that affects me the most, their case is mentioned in the news every few months. I never knew any of these ladies but the fact that there are no answers and no bodies still puts me to tears. Its been 19 years now. I remember running into Stacy's mom at a store. The friend I was with knew her and they spoke a bit, we all ended up hugging and in tears at the Clinique counter (this was 3 years after they'd gone missing). I'm in near tears now just writing about it. I just hurt for their families so much. Everyone wants answers.
The case which has driven me to tears many times in the past year or so is the one of Kyron Horman. Google his name. Since my grandson is his age, it just really gets to me...badly. Especially on holidays and his birthday which is always acknowledged on the local news. I think I cry because of the horror of the possibilities, the complete loss of an innocent; the imagining-- but trying to hope against-- despicable acts. The knowing that probably his last moments were terrifying. It's nothing any parent wants to think about, no matter what your age. It drives you to tears.
I am always very deeply affected by others' tragedies. Terrible things that happen to both people and animals often haunt me for years. There are some things that I just can't forget. I get the image in my head of the people or animals suffering. It is just heartbreaking and the tears flow. I don't have any good advice on how to cope with it either. I don't do a very good job of coping with it myself. :(
That's still real spooky, Iris.
KayLRZ. I wasn't able to read much of the link Float On posted, and I won't be able to deal with Googling said name you mentioned. Stuff like that just bothers me too much. I cannot deal with it. Bless all the families.
Wildflower. I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Over the past few days I've gained a little strength in relation to what happened, but it's still there. I awake with it on my mind each morning, I go to bed with it on my mind each night. I keep thinking about their empty home, how they left things before they locked up and departed. I can see the family looking back at their home and waving goodbye as they pulled away (for what was to be the last time). I can hear them saying to one another, "wave goodbye to our house", "bye house" everyone says, "see you in a few weeks". I hear the cheer and happiness in all their voices as they anxiously get closer and closer to their destination. (Just one more hour to go kids). (Isn't this great sweetie, a vacation of our dreams). I have allowed it to get the better of me...
I'm trying so hard to gain strength and move forward.
Trust me, Mrs. M., I know exactly what you're talking about. I think many of us are tortured by these things. Its those left living that are tortured.
Try to replace your thoughts with something else. As time goes on, the pain will lesson. I didn't think I could ever stop thinking of certain sad things for awhile, but time does heal.
It's such a drag, CathyA. I don't think I've ever been so bummed and saddened over the loss of complete strangers ever in my entire life. And even more upsetting is thinking about the fire that erupted after the crash. (I hope and pray they didn't suffer). I've had one really bad nightmare about it since it happened, and struggled to fall asleep for days after hearing about it. P.S. I forget to tell you, thanks for the hug. I don't mean to come here and cry about things, but it's helped me realize that others too, like myself, go through grief stricken moments and stretches after hearing about tragic news and losses.
You know what? I think the families of those who we cry for would be comforted to know that others take on a bit of the burden.
You're right Float On. I've visited the Memorial website a few times to read the many entries people posted, and the family made mention of all the Canadian people who took the time to express their heartfelt sadness. I know that sort of support would help comfort me, too, knowing complete strangers care. It's apparent the loss has made a big impact on many, because there are entries from people as far East as Ontario.
I'm odd woman out on this one. I barely cry for my own stuff, let alone others'. As a kid I was horribly sensitive that way, and to avoid living every second with heartbreak, I drew a line - unless it is my business on a practical, personal level, meaning there is something practical that I can and should do about it, I have no deep feelings for it.
Reader99. In some ways I wish I could be more like you, because at times (like these) it really hurts being the way I am.
I'm over-emotional about animals. Years ago I went to the barn to ride my horse and my friend was sitting there in her truck, blocking the barn entrance. She said her horse died suddenly and they were waiting for the removal truck to take him away. I bawled so much that she had to comfort ME! Just hearing someone in tears over an animal gets me every time. (I'm teary just typing this.)
I refuse to watch Animal Cops and hate the sad commercial with the homeless animals and Sarah McLachlan singing. Will never watch Marley and Me either. Bad things happening to people upsets me too, but animals are so much worse for me.
These past few years I've noticed that I'm much weapier than I used to be and more affected by violence and gore too.
I used to tear up during the old Prago spaghetti sauce commercial......just from the music! yes, those humane society-type commercials are real tear jerkers. Makes you want to go get them all and bring them home!
Oh well. We can't change I don't think. So we might as well embrace our empathy/sympathy/sensitivity....as painful as it can get.
Pony mom. I honestly believe I'm (it's) getting worse as I get older.
CathyA. I do think you are right, those of us who struggle with such feelings should just try and embrace it, as hard as it may be.
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