Moodiness to affection? - need solution

[ButterflyBreath]

This is a relationship question about affection. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months and for the most part we have a great relationship. We live together so we see each other a lot. There's something we always clash on, and that is this interaction that happens with each other about once a week he says.

I will be doing something, focused on something and he will come up and kiss me, usually on my neck. Sometimes it's even just a small kiss on the lips. I have a reaction to this and I don't know whether it's based on how I am feeling at that very second or something else. I think maybe I am a bit aloof and I cringe or show some type of reaction which makes him feel rejected. At the time I don't feel like being kissed, and I can't really explain it. It's like my skin doesn't want to be touched like that. The neck is a very sensitive place and for some reason am not feeling open to this type of affection sometimes. He says I am rejecting him and it makes him feel bad and he doesn't feel like being affectionate anymore.

We have discussed it and the solutions we have come up with are to maybe just say something instead of kissing, or give me a hug, or even just a kiss on the head or cheek. I don't know if he just forgets what we discuss or what. And I guess it's hard (apparently) to know when I will react like this so it would be hard to know when to use the alternate way to show affection. I have told him that I think he's overly sensitive to rejection and he needs to look into it...do a little journaling on it or talk to someone about it. He never does though.

Is there an imbalance? Should I want to be kissed all the time? or is he just overly sensitive to rejection? He says that he feels often afraid to initiate affection because of this. And then stays depressed for a while afterward although it's not always apparent to me. What should we do?

:confused:

[Miss Cellane]

Butterfly, what stood out in your post most was this:



I will be doing something, focused on something and he will come up and kiss me, usually on my neck. Sometimes it's even just a small kiss on the lips. I have a reaction to this and I don't know whether it's based on how I am feeling at that very second or something else. I think maybe I am a bit aloof and I cringe or show some type of reaction which makes him feel rejected. At the time I don't feel like being kissed, and I can't really explain it. It's like my skin doesn't want to be touched like that. The neck is a very sensitive place and for some reason am not feeling open to this type of affection sometimes. He says I am rejecting him and it makes him feel bad and he doesn't feel like being affectionate anymore.



If you usually do react positively to his little kisses and touches and it's only when you are involved with something that this behavior bothers you, I wonder what you are reacting to isn't the kiss, but the interruption?

I know if I were deep into a good book, or working out a problem with my computer, or buried in yards of fabric while working on a sewing project, I would not welcome little romantic advances. I'd want to be left alone to finish my book or project. And I think that's a reaction a lot of people would share.

Also, if he does this a lot, maybe he is uncomfortable with you being busy with something that isn't him. In other words, he may be trying to get you to stop paying attention to whatever it is that you are doing, and start paying attention to him. If this is the sub-text to his actions, no wonder you cringe away from him.

He's probably not consciously thinking this, but I have a suspicion that's a factor in why he tries to kiss you when you are busy.

At the very least, your discussions about this should not focus just on your reaction to the kisses, but also on why he feels the need to kiss you on the neck when a) he knows that it sometimes bothers you and b) he can see you are busy with something. The problem here is not just with you--his actions count for a lot, as well.

And no, you should not have to want to be kissed all the time. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little time to yourself, even when you are living with someone.

[bagelgirl]

I don't want to read something into it that isn't there, but possibly he is meaning it as a sexual overture, and you are deep into something else at the time. Being kissed on the neck when you aren't in the mood can be creepy.