so we broke up

[Zoe Girl]

okay yeah, I didn't want to post everything because if I vent and then we work it out it is crappy. But I sent him an email when I could not get any other communication and i wasn't the nicest. I feel I told the truth but I have a rather blunt way of telling the truth when I have tried all other means my more accomodating demeanor is not working. I basically told him that we could get together a certain night but that I would be frustrated if we didn't talk at all and I had another offer to do something. he cheerfully told me to go ahead to the party. Apparently he HAD read the text messages that said I wanted to at least find out what was happening on a couple issues and talk a few minutes. I went to the party and didn't hear anything all night from him, nothing the next morning about finding his daughter an apartment, nothing about his business trip so i guess he wasn't that cheerful about me going to the party. I know what would have happened if I went to see him, we would have had fun but no talking.

In any case i sent a long email and explained some things that were new and some things we have gone over before. I basically decided to take his silences and avoidances as the negative of whatever I was asking or talking about. He didn't argue that. But he was angry about me breaking our date on Saturday after all. I am not sure how ugly this is, but I know that one of my major ways of feeling connected is talking. He is dealing with a lot of crap so i feel bad in that sense, but I think he is not being silent due to his stress but instead due to his nature.

I want to have fond memories of the last year, but then pay attention the reality. The big time issue is that he told me up front he was married when we started dating. His wife had left 2 years before however they stayed legally married for insurance for his daughter (this is step mom so if they divorced his 19 yo daughter would not get to stay on the policy). He also said he was planning on getting divorced. Well it has been over a year and he finally got insurance information from his company. Anything under a year I was working with, but after a year I can see that it may not be something he actually does.

Still crappy and hurting

[Valley]

I'm really sorry for your hurt Zoe Girl...but this is another bump on the path of your life after your divorce. I too "forced" a relationship after my divorce...I was determined to make it work, because I wanted to be in a relationship once again. I overlooked, made excuses, lowered my standards, and generally pretended to be happy and content. But like you, I really wasnt getting what "I' needed in a relationship. It doesn't matter what anyone else wants in a relationship, you know what you want and need to make it work! Hang in there...your life will be good again with or without that "special someone"...in fact, if you are really lucky you will realize that you can be that "special someone" for yourself!

[bagelgirl]

I think you did the right thing. It doesn't matter what anyone else here says about their relationships, you knew what you needed and you weren't getting it.

Also, glad you set yourself a "due" date on his divorce issue. You gave him time, he didn't step up to the plate.

I'm lifting my champagne glass to you, girl.

[Charity]

You did the right thing. I went out with someone just like that. He never had any intention of having our relationship go any further but would never discuss it and in my brain as long as he wasn't saying no, he might be saying yes. As long as he had all the information, I was kept off balance never reallying knowing where I stood. It took awhile but I figured it out and have absolutely no regrets about ending it. I think you'll be surprised at how nice it is to be out from under the constant questioning.

[puglogic]

Zoe, as a woman who has suffered both a man who claimed to be "divorcing" -- for five years!!! --- and a number of relationships where my communication needs weren't being met (despite trying very hard) I can tell you that you've done the right thing for yourself. You've written about other issues with the relationship on these boards, and though it's impossible for a stranger to know for sure, it just seems like you weren't a good fit - that you kept going despite numerous issues because you wanted the safe feeling you were getting in a relationship. (I think you said once that you just didn't want to be alone again)

I know it's got to feel really poopy right now, but be tender with yourself, your true self, and you will see that you have simply cleared the way for the right person to come into your life. He couldn't get there with that other, mismatched relationship in the way.

Big hugs - you will get through this!

[Zoe Girl]

thank you so much, I am in the post relationship questioning phase. Trying to just let it chill but I have a hard time with anyone being angry with me and I think he is angry with me. I don't hate him but I see the limitations. I know others have had these kind of wake up calls and then went back and made it work, othes are just over and done with. I am letting it be because it is not up to me. But I am soooo glad that I am not doing this at 5 years (no offense to anyone who worked at it for 5 years). I guess in my 40's I have been around long enough to have some wisdom that if they don't do it in that first year or two of the honeymoon period that it will just become a nagging issue.

Looong day in the meantime.

[Valley]

Hang in there Zoe Girl!

[shadowmoss]

Of course he's angry. He had you where he wanted you, always thinking you were the one who wasn't trying hard enough while he skated. Now, you have turned it around, from why don't you like me??? to I don't like they way YOU treat ME, so I'm out of here. We train people to treat us the way we allow ourselves to be treated. You have made a step up in what you will allow. Don't let yourself be dragged back down.

[crunchycon]

Positive thoughts going your way...you did do the right thing, even if it stings.

[folkypoet]

(((Hugs))) from someone currently going through a divorce. I know how trying every day can be. Carve out some time for yourself for reflection so it doesn't all back up on you and so that you're thinking of him during your more rational moments, rather than when you're frazzled and missing him. Keep looking at the big picture.

[Spartana]

Congrats on the break up (yes, I said congrats :-)!). It's hard to deal with I know, but you should be congratulated for realizing that your needs (whatever they may be) weren't being met. Don't second guess yourself on this and don't feel bad for him. If your needs aren't being met, and you've both tried to make it work, well then it's time to move on IMHO. If some of the things I glean from your Not Talking post are true (he leaves without a word) well I would have kicked his :moon: to the curb long ago. Not talking isn't the same as being rude and insensitive. I don't know if he was rude or insensitive (couldn't tell from your other posts) but that kind of thing usually doesn't get better in time.

[Gardenarian]

Zoe girl - I'm so sorry you're hurting. Maybe that relationship was just a stepping-stone - onward to better things!

[Mrs-M]

I'm with Spartana. As sad as breakups are, I believe they are always for the better. I see newer and brighter and bigger things coming your way Zoe!

[Zoebird]

sounds like a tough go, but seems like the right thing to do.