Easiest, simplest way to deal with grown daughter's stuff?

[seekingsimplicity]

My 22 year old daughter graduated from college in May and just moved away to a big city to look for a job. She is living with relatives until she gets settled so she just took 2 suitcases with her and left all her clothes books and childhood stuff here in her room and in our garage.

The city she lives in is about a 2 day drive from our home.

What is the easiest simplest way to give her all her stuff once she is settled?

Drive a moving van to her city, help her get settled and fly home (sorta make a fun trip out of it)?
UPS mail her stuff to her? (expensive?)

I would love to get rid of all her stuff and get it out of here. I come from a family where my MOm kept all my stuff until I was married which was about 3 years out of college so I sorta feel guilty dumping all her stuff on her now but it is her stuff after all!

What ideas do you have?

[Gardenarian]

What are your daughter's plans? Does she want all her stuff? Maybe she doesn't care about all those old dolls and books, but it is simpler for her to leave them with you.

At the same time, I do feel that your house is still her "home" and although she may not be paying rent she still has certain rights.

I know I feel differently about this than many of my friends, who tell their kids "This is MY house!"

Maybe you could set some sort of deadline. When you get to that deadline (and assuming your dd has found a job and place to live) I would leave the moving arrangements up to her.

[Fawn]

When my oldest graduated from college and got a job a day's drive away, I waited till he came home for a holiday and then asked him to decide what to do with his stuff. Most of it he either took back with him that trip, or donated (and he took it to Goodwill himself--didn't just leave me a big pile.) There was some furniture that he wanted and about a year later I rented a U-Haul and took it out to him. That cost me about $800, but it is the last money I spent on him except his wedding. The furniture included antiques and family pieces.

[iris lily]

oh Fawn, good show! That's one major perk of having kids, you can pawn off the heirlooms on them! ha ha.

OP if you end up shipping the stuff, consider Greyhound's shipping fees. They are pretty low. I remember that my parents shipped a big box of crap to me 30+ years ago when I first moved away from home and was ready to take on more stuff.

[chrisgermany]

I would use a step by step approach:
Talk to her some weeks before she comes home next time about her plans for her stuff in your houseonce she has found her new home and that you feel it is time for her to remove it if possible or at least to reduce significantly.
That will give her time to get familiar with the situation and to develop some solutions on her own.
When she comes you could assign some space to her remaining stuff, like part of one closet, and ask her to start getting rid of some.
Once she has found her home you could repeat that exercise and ask her to get rid of or take with her all that does not fit in.

Be aware that she might not feel at home any more in your house once all her stuff has gone.
If you both are ok with that, fine. But if not it could disturb your relationship.
Even more so as long as she has not yet found a new place to feel at home.

[ctg492]

I must be different. When my kids left they packed what they wanted, I packed what was left and said it is on the shelves of the basement for only a short time, then I will toss it, so take it if you want it. I never had any issues with "stuff". I even put each of their medical records,school info, birth certificate in a folder and gave it all to them when they left.

[Stella]

oh Fawn, good show! That's one major perk of having kids, you can pawn off the heirlooms on them! ha ha.



Evil! :devil: ;) LOL. You know how I feel about curating family heirlooms, so I'll leave it at that.

The easiest way would be to ask her to arrange a time to come back and get the stuff, but I would probably drive it to her because I like roadtripping anyway. YMMV.

[Dhiana]

It's her stuff, let her deal with it! It was her choice to move as far away as she did to look for a job, if she wants her things SHE needs to make the moving arrangements and pay for it. She has time to research the least expensive/best options since she doesn't have a job yet.

It is nice of you to help store her things for a limited time but do set a timeline, give her BIG hints that she needs to have it removed by a certain date.

If she does not remove it by the deadline then she can pick it up from the storage unit you have rented (nearest one to your home) for a LIMITED time for her :)
She's an adult now, let her be the adult she has grown into.

[sweetana3]

In todays job market, it is really necessary to stay mobile so if she has a Uhaul worth of stuff, she should consider what she wants and what she is willing to move now and in the future.

Let her know approx. when you would like a decision, but be aware that this time in her life is very unsettled and you adding more stress by any kind of demand (just right now) only adds to her issues. Most of her stuff will probably not be wanted in a year when she starts developing her own style and therefore, give her a little time to figure out what to do.

At some point, it is fine to box up but please mark on each box what it contains to make it easier for her to sort without unloading each box. Set aside any damaged items or things that appear obvious to dispose of so she can make some quick decisions. Unless you dont expect to see her in the next two years, I would be tempted to just clean her room and leave her stuff and the boxes there. She can feel "at home" when she comes back.

And dont act so glad she is gone. I agree with the others that if you completely remove her presence, she may feel unwanted.

[Lainey]

I agree with the graduated approach. What's the rush? If she doesn't even have a job or an apartment yet, wait til the dust settles. I also like the idea to make a plan when you have time for a long chat during the holidays.

A first job may not last long, a first apartment could have a roommate situation, there's lots of ifs here, and adding a truckload of belongings right now would only seem to add to the stress.

[razz]

I agree with the graduated approach. What's the rush? If she doesn't even have a job or an apartment yet, wait til the dust settles. I also like the idea to make a plan when you have time for a long chat during the holidays.

A first job may not last long, a first apartment could have a roommate situation, there's lots of ifs here, and adding a truckload of belongings right now would only seem to add to the stress.

Give her time to make the big change and find her feet. You won't regret doing so. After she comes for a visit, let her choose what she wants to keep and take with her and let her dispose as much as possible. Whatever she does not choose to do after that time and opportunity, feel free to dispose as you wish. Your home is still her home base. I remember coming home and my room had been completely cleaned out as though I was dead, it was a most unpleasant experience to have no home base.

[mschrisgo2]

My guess is that once she has secured a job and begun to build a new lifestyle, she will be ready to go through the things she's left at your house, certainly the clothes and books, as she'll get a feel for whether she "needs" them or not. Maybe by the holidays this year?

As for the childhood things, you didn't give us any indication of what those are, but you may want to have boxes ready for her to at least pack things up when she visits next. I don't think it's at all unreasonable for you to suggest that she do that herself. Possibly in that process, she will let go of a lot of things. But if these are things you've given her, she may feel uncomfortable discarding them in front of you. Alternatively, it may be a great opportunity to talk about all of it, i.e. gifts belong to -? do they mean more to you than to her? How can she honor the memories, the intentions, without the stuff? Costs of keeping things not used, does she want them? Shipping by UPS or FedEx or even USPS is not terrible, cost-wise, but IMHO that should be her choice and cost, and arrangements to make. Those are valuable life lessons.

With my daughter, she had done a huge dump of her childhood stuff when we moved when she was 14. And she was pretty ruthless when she moved away to school. She gave away, threw out, packed up to go, then packed up three boxes and stacked them on the floor in the corner of the closet, saying she'd be back for them "soon." And she was. I've asked her if she ever regretted any of that, and she's said, "no, not at all." But I was clear with her and in myself that her things were hers to deal with, and I trusted her judgement.

My best friend told her daughter her room could "stay the same" for one year - her first year of college, which was last school year. She came home for the summer, having had to cancel her travel plans to take a makeup class, and her parents told her not to get too comfortable- she was expected to go back to school or "otherwise move on" (I know- sounds a bit harsh even as I write it- but believe me, this was the motivation this girl needed.) At the beginning of August, they had new floors installed in the bedroom wing of the house, and everything had to be moved out- perfect timing for said daughter to clean up, evaluate, give away, and pack up. Just as she was completing that task she heard she'd passed her summer class, and has today returned to campus.

Often, we need to clear out the old to make way for the new. I think that's one of the Universal Laws.

[artist]

My perspective on this may be different, as my son just started college, but we have been slowly moving towards the goal of having his stuff out of the house.

This summer I had him go through the toys in the attic and get rid of those things that he no longer wanted. We simply donated them. Those things he wants to keep I have set aside and we will revisit them each year. I believe that as he matures, some of those things may not matter as much to him anymore and he'll want to get rid of them. Other things like his amish made lincoln logs and his legos will remain in our care for a while.

He got rid ove over 100 book titles this summer and held onto maybe 40 from his childhood. Much of his decorative "phase" type items were donated out.

Clothing he took most with him. Leaving his work clothes (he works maintance during the summer for a conference center) and his heavy winter clothes (moved from NH to TN). He did get rid of things he didn't wear often and the side of his waredrobe shrunk considerably.

Since computer is so accessable I'd photograph all the toys, send her the pics via computer and ask her which ones she wants to keep and which to donate. This will allow you to thin out and reduce how much stuff will need to be shipped to her. You can do this with memorabilia as well. Many items ds just had us photograph and put on a disc file for him. He wanted to hold onto the memory but not neccessarily the item.

Hope this helps some.