View Full Version : Sharing domestic chores
I was recently chatting to a new work colleague about... ironing. Hehe. The enthralling conversations we have at work! :) Anyway, I told her that I rarely iron and she responded in all seriousness with "What, not even your boyfriend's work shirts?". I was a bit taken aback, but I explained to her that he is perfectly capable of doing that himself and she remarked that it is good that I have started as I intend to continue.
This little exchange really got me thinking. Is there still an expectation that women should be solely responsible for such domestic chores, even if she works as many hours as (or more than!) her partner in paid employment?
This work colleague of mine is in her late 40s, so I considered that maybe she has a different perspective to mine in that regard. And of course, she is an individual, so not representative of an entire group of people. But her expectation was challenged, so it leads me to believe that most of the people around her also conform to that expectation (ie. women doing their male partner's ironing).
Within my circle of friends in their late 20s, partnerships are on (or try to be on) a more equal footing in terms of household responsibilities. My female friends scoff at the thought of being solely responsible for domestic chores. I'm wondering if this perspective is generational or more to do with attitude? Or a combination of both? There is also a trend within this group of friends (myself included) for the female to feel as if she has to constantly remind her partner to get involved in domestic chores. Does the man see it as "women's work"? Or is just not aware of his environment as the women? Or is his interpretation of "unclean" different from the women's??! So many questions!
Any thoughts?
I'm 47 so I don't know if that's mid forties or late forties but no, I don't do my husband's ironing unless he's running late or I think something he's wearing needs ironing and he doesn't. Of course, as a rule we don't buy clothes that need ironing. But the same is true for laundry. I do generally plan and cook meals but he cleans up.
My husband and I do our own laundry. Sounds crazy, but we used to have fights about it. He doesn't sort, and he uses hot water for everything, so stuff comes out linty and faded. OTOH, he thinks I'm too gentle with the clothes and they don't come out clean enough. So we've agreed to just do our own laundry and not combine. We each have our own hampers. As for ironing, we iron as we need stuff, there's no one "ironer" in the family.
As for other chores, he cooks, I clean up. He doesn't do a good job at cleaning the house--rarely does it. But he does have the traditional male outdoor maintenance and repair jobs.
Heh, early on I once ironed my husband's shirt when we were going out, and it wasn't up to his standards, so I've never done his ironing since then. Even when I do my own, its just to get the major wrinkles out. My husband can spend as long doing one shirt as I will do with my entire week's outfits.
My husband doesn't really notice things need doing until they are at the critical level, and that bugs me, so I am the type that does the reminders.
In our house, the chores tend to be done by the person who cares more about how the chore is down, or who has the time. When one or the other of us is unemployed, that person takes on most of the work. Hubby does more of the laundry, I do bathroom cleaning. He has an incredibly high tolerance for filth and I do not.
Miss Cellane
8-27-11, 7:51am
I'm in my 50s. I'm not married, but many of my friends are. They split the household chores--I don't know any of my female friends who willingly does all the housework. Now, they all have different arrangements--one friend might do the majority of the housework, but her husband does the majority of the outside work, plus takes care of the cars, plus the routine house maintence plus all the shuttling of the kids to their classes and activities, that sort of thing.
All the long-term married couples I know have some division of labor--it varies by couple, and it's something that they've had to work out over the years.
I have a fond memory of my best friend Kathy, whose husband left for work at 5 am for years. Her grandmother was sympathizing with her about how early Kathy must have to get up in order to cook breakfast for her husband before he left for work. Grandma was reassuring Kathy that it was perfectly all right to go back to bed for an hour or two after that. Imagine Grandma's shock when Kathy gently broke the news that Kathy didn't wake up until long after her husband had left the house!
I know women who do all the ironing in their household. But it's not because "I'm the woman, the ironing is my job," but more of "Ironing needs to be done, who is the best person to do it?" sort of thing.
And that carries over to a lot of things. With any two people, you will find different standards on how bathrooms should be cleaned, laundry done, dishes washed. Does the cleaner person insist on their standards being met 100% of the time? Does the less clean person do their best and call it quits, even if the other person isn't satisfied with the job? Whose standards rule? Some couples split the work based on who feels most strongly about that particular task.
Well, we both do our own laundry, too. Luckily neither us have jobs that require shirt ironing so that hasn't been discussed. I would possibly do it if I were the better ironer but that wouldn't be automatic. We both work about the same amount so home jobs are roughly split. Generally things are split along lines of who's better at it (I cook except meat) or who cares more about it (he cleans the computers) or differing standards of cleanliness (I do the bathroom) or who hates a particular task (he does car stuff; I do bathroom).
But we also pick up the slack if the other person is sick or busy. Usually I clean the kitchen, but the other day he did a really good job as I've been really tired lately.
We discussed quite a bit of this before we were married/living together to see if our expectations were compatible.
I haven't come across the attitude that you describe about the woman automatically doing chores too much. However I was at a family thing and one of DH's older aunts implied I didn't have to work since I'm the woman (no kids). I was a bit annoyed that she would suggest DH move somewhere to get a particular job, like my job mattered not at all.
I've been married almost 41 tears and I did all domestic chores for 30 years. Then I got completely fed up. I demanded that we share. That's been working out very well and I'm a lot happier.
I have noticed that a lot of young married ladies don't know how to do much so the husbands step up with cooking, cleaning, and laundry. I think things shouldbe shared!
Normally we share household duties but right now while DH is working 70 hours a week I am hiring out his half. To be honest, I kind of like it this way. DH grew up practically ferel with a single dad and three older brothers on a farm so he didn't really learn how to clean as a kid. Domestic work really is a skill set.
I actually like doing things like getting up early (3-4AM lately) to make breakfast for DH and I wouldn't mind ironing his shirts. I like taking care of him and he likes taking care of me. It's not a "you better do this because it's your job" kind of thing, but a gift from me. I know it makes him feel loved and valued and that is important to me. He is my honey. Similarly he likes brightening my day by bringing me flowers every week, waking up with the baby whenever possible, taking all of the kids so I can go out and building things for me.
Speaking as a 30 something mom, one thing I see with a lot of families my age is that the parents both do housework, but are overwhelmed because there is more to do than two people can do. Often their kids have very minimal household responsibilities and lots of time-sucking activities.
Bastelmutti
8-27-11, 10:18am
And that carries over to a lot of things. With any two people, you will find different standards on how bathrooms should be cleaned, laundry done, dishes washed. Does the cleaner person insist on their standards being met 100% of the time? Does the less clean person do their best and call it quits, even if the other person isn't satisfied with the job? Whose standards rule? Some couples split the work based on who feels most strongly about that particular task.
Excellent analysis. I am a woman and the less clean half. We used to joke that the only thing we argued about was housework, but it's true. DH was a stay-at-home dad, and I worked a lot, but did precious little housework other than cooking. Now it's more equal with both of us working, and I take care of most of the kid organization/chauffeuring/feeding/laundry, etc. DH does certain things because they're important to him, like vacuum every day. I have had to step up my game, and he has let go of a few small requirements (we do have laundry piles around) because, like Stella says, we just can't get it all done. That said, the kids are required to help straighten, fold laundry, put away dishes and other chores.
BTW, we also do our own laundry! Actually DH does his, and I do the kids' and mine. I'm surprised to hear that so many others split laundry duties! :-)
PS DH also does his own ironing. I just don't buy clothes that need to be ironed. Or hand-washed for that matter!
I buy permanent press shirts and SO gets free dry cleaning at his job since he works at a hotel. The only ironing that happens in our house are cloth napkins for when we're having people over for dinner.
Sad Eyed Lady
8-27-11, 10:19am
I don't think being in her 40's would give her the perspective that women should do all the household chores. I am 59, my DH and I both always done household work, and when he retired he took on more of it. No, not age, because this all was part of the issues for women back in the 1960's - it probably has more to do with how things were in her home when she was a child. Maybe?
iris lily
8-27-11, 11:49am
DH does his own laundering of his work clothes. I wash his regular clothes with my own.
Originally we split dishwasher chores: he loaded (because I couldn't do it correctly and according to his standards! ) and I unloaded, but in the past couple of year he's been shirking his duty of loading, but I don't mind. I do mind though that he generates a lot of dishes, I don't mind though that in generating those dishes he cooks his own breakfast, lunch, and desserts. I cook dinner and clean up.
I do all house cleaning (or pay for it--in the past few months I've been doing all of it because I gave our house cleaner time off due to us hosting a bunch of dogs and other chaotic things.)
He does all car maintenance and lawn mowing. We both have multiple gardens and work on our own stuff.
He will not be doing any canning this year because our garden crops are abysmal. Usually he cans a batch of tomatoes and freezes everything else.
We are fairly traditional in division of labor although DH is multi-talented and does kitchen chores, while I am hopeless at performing traditionally male chores.
We don't iron clothes, period.
I don't think being in her 40's would give her the perspective that women should do all the household chores. I am 59, my DH and I both always done household work, and when he retired he took on more of it. No, not age, because this all was part of the issues for women back in the 1960's - it probably has more to do with how things were in her home when she was a child. Maybe?
I think this is the case too. I have actually seen more of a trend for younger working women to do most of the domestic chores compared to women in their 40's and 50's. Maybe because those "older" women (of which I'm one :-)!) came of age during the feminest period of the late '60's and early '70's and rebelled big time against gender roles so they married with the understanding that they share things. Younger women may also be rebelling against their more liberated parents (those 40 & 50-something parents of today) and wanting to adhere to a more traditional role for themselves.
I married in 1981 when I was 23 and (now ex) dh was 22. We were both in the coast guard, same job specialty, same-rank, same income and benefits, stationed on seperate ships, gone for long periods of time, and didn't have even a vaguely traditional marriage and neither of us wanted one. This was something we talked about before we married and we both planned to stay in the CG for at least 20 years. He knew that I was not the domestic, caretaker type and he didn't want that - wanted an equal partner, companion, lover, friend. So after we married and actually lived together (that took almost a year after getting married) we did most things together. When we were together that is - which wasn't often. Shared things like house cleaning, cooking, yardwork, car and house maintenance, etc... but we each took care of our own personal things - like he did his own laundry and ironing and I did mine. Worked out great for us but we had a HUGE HUGE HUGE amount of pressure from other people - especially our traditional parents and other family member - to conform to very narrow gender roles. It was very stressful to deal with. They felt his job was more important than mine, even though they were exactly the same job, and that I should stay home and cook and clean and care for him even though he didn't want or need that. It was a constant battle dealing with others for both dh and I that was very warying. I got this from strangers and aquaintences as well - just this idea that a woman should do all the domestic stuff and give up her job if needed to follow her spouse. That a man shouldn't do cooking and cleaning if he was married. I think it's just a generalize idea that some people hold irregardless of age. Maybe it's how they were raised as Shalom says, or maybe it's a religious belief or social belief that they feel should be the norm. I don't know, I just know that it seems to be a common belief even in this day and age.
I also choose to keep my own last name rather than take his last name. Had even bigger problems with family and aquientences with that than with the domestic and job issues. Back in 1981 it was less common than it is now (or it seemed that way) and I would be actually rideculed and called names by some people for not changing my name. I think that is less common now but I also see more of a trend with younger women to take their husbands names or at least hyphonate it then I did in the 70's and 80's.
"Ironing"........what's that? haha
We don't have many clothes that need ironing......especially if you get them out of the dryer while they're still a little damp and let them hang.
I do the cleaning and cooking and DH does dishes alot of the time. He also takes care of our huge property. And he works probably 11 hours a day.
We do our own laundry most of the time too.
I deal with all the holidays/birthdays as far as gift-buying and cooking.
I pay all the bills, burn the trash and take the recycling in. I think its pretty even. I'd be lost without him and he'd be lost without me. :)
fidgiegirl
8-27-11, 4:55pm
And that carries over to a lot of things. With any two people, you will find different standards on how bathrooms should be cleaned, laundry done, dishes washed. Does the cleaner person insist on their standards being met 100% of the time? Does the less clean person do their best and call it quits, even if the other person isn't satisfied with the job? Whose standards rule? Some couples split the work based on who feels most strongly about that particular task.
My DH and I are definitely still feeling this one out. He grew up in a MUCH, I mean MUCH cleaner household than I did. Things that bother him are almost sources of pride for me - that sounds funny, but for me, changing the sheets every two or three weeks feels like an awesome accomplishment of cleanliness, but for him, it kind of feels a little dirty. So we're working on it.
He used to iron everything; now, almost nothing :)
As for the OP's question, I don't think it was a matter of age. I see girls on Facebook talking about how their husbands "help them" with the laundry, or the kids, or whatever. It really bugs me, but I don't call them out on it. I can kind of see if the woman stays home, that the house is her domain because she's physically there more of the time than the man. But in the case of both people working full-time, no way.
I saw a PBS documentary about successful marriages, and one of the things they had discovered that was part was a division of labor that was kind of a standing division. No negotiating dinner every night, it's just automatically one of the person's jobs. There is not a constant negotiation, argument, whatever you want to call it over every task. It's hard to establish that, though, at least for us.
goldensmom
8-27-11, 5:25pm
My husband and I are in our 50's. I do all domestic chores except wash his socks. 20 years ago, he constantly accused me of losing his socks so I gave his sock responsibility over to him and have not heard a complaint since. We were both raised in role oriented homes and I guess it just stuck (read he won't do it so I have to or it won't get done). He will do any chore I ask him to do and does an excellent job he but will not initiate any. The upside is that he never complains or criticizes. No, I do not like the arrangement but I love him.
Ironing? What is this word you speak of?? :-)
Yes, I'm wondering about that word as well. Isn't an iron something you find in a vintage items shop?
For my part, I have lived away from my parents for 31 years now, married and borne 3 children, and I have not ironed once.
Oh, and Dh has been a lot more cooperative about helping with the household chores since I left him for two years ( ; . He later (as we were getting back together) admitted that he really never believed that I could have wanted his help, because in his mind, "you talk with your feet." So to get through to this person, who is a highly entertaining spouse in many ways, I have to simply leave, or go on strike, or something really dramatic.
i'm 35 or so. i can never remember. 1976 is my birth year.
anyway, i don't iron anything, ever. i purposefully buy clothing that is "wrinkle free" or such. i'm serious. i avoid anything labelled "dry clean only" and "warm iron" or what have you. it's against my religion.
my husband is f'ing hopeless and i blame his mother. he never did indoor chores, so even the most basic things stump him. in addition, he has learned helplessness from his family, which is a real PITA, because when he doesn't want to do something, he whines and fusses that he "Can't!" and then waits for you to rescue him and the he can go and read his book. i used to buy it. but now i say "oh,a 40 yr old man can't dust. that's interesting. I should call scientists and the media, they would be interested." And then walk away form him.
then, i find him several minutes later reading a magazine (standing up where i left him) holding a dust rag.
Eventually, I gave up.
I now do the household chores for my own peace of mind. DH cooks half the time, cleans up after himself in the kitchen half the time (and does an 80% job), the laundry (which is cleaning, hanging on the line, and bringing off the line and dumping it in a pile on my side of the bed. when i do laundry, it's soup-to-nuts. if i fold mine and DS's but not DH's and put it away, DH puts it in a pile on my side of the bed!).
i've been with him 13 years. he hasn't cleaned the bathroom once in all that time.
So, yeah. I basically maintain the house. DH does now vacuum and manage the trash/recycling.
oh, and I had every intention of "sharing" chores and told DH that when we were dating AND when we moved in together.
But, we are different.
He comes from a cluttered family. Go into their house, and there are piles of paper everywhere: magazines, catalogues, newspapers, note papers, clippings of various sorts, and just. . . well, an unimaginable amount of clutter. They also are pack rats -- they don't through anything away. It's scary.
I come from a very organized, uncluttered family. In my household, you would never leave a pile of papers just sitting somewhere. A pile of paper is unheard of. You just don't do that. my mother is also very clean, and we always helped with the chores, as did my dad. I learned how to clean quickly and efficiently.
My husband comes from a family that cleans, but it was gender segregated. DH and his father did outdoor chores -- painting the house and front porch every year (overkill, but that's what they do), trimming the yard, hedges, keeping the garden. MIL and SIL did indoor chores. DH's only indoor chore was to put his dirty clothes in his laundry basket, and on vacuuming day, put that basket on his bed. His mother and sister did *everything* else. He never learned to cook for himself, he never learned how to do laundry, and he never learned to clean.
So, he had zero skills when i got him. he was 24 at the time. He went from his mother's house to university dorm, where there were cleaning ladies managing common areas, and dining halls managing meals, and he had his laundry done 'out' because it cost $5 per week, which was actually less than if he went to the laundrette. Then, he went to graduate school, where he was in the same situation, except that he didn't send our his laundry. his mother sent him instructions, which he "didn't understand" and asked the cleaning ladies, who -- taking care of him because of the adorable learned helplessness thing -- did his laundry for him if he simply left it in a bag outside his door when they came around. Which he did. And he always got them a nice christmas and end-of-year gift. He was quite the darling of all ladies (receptionists, cleaning ladies, kitchen ladies, etc) in the school. he's rather charming, i have to admit.
I then moved in with him pretty much straight out of the dorm. So, then I started to live with his piles. THat was tough. I hate clutter.
Then I asked him to clean. We made up a schedule. One week, I would do bathroom and dusting/vacuum and he would do kitchen. I showed him how, wrote a manual and check list, and expected him to do it. After about 3 months, i figured out the each area was getting cleaned every-other week. And, there was never any decluttering.
Imagine, if you will, those circulars that come in the mail. Imagine, if you will, simply piling that up on any given surface around you (rather than recycling it or whatever). imagine, if you will, never recycling it for 4-6 months. Imagine, if you will, that you live in a studio apartment with your girlfriend. That studio is probabl about 30 by 20. Can you imagine the amount of paper? I'm talking TOWERS of paper. which of course, woudl be mixed with his assignments, my assignments, his grading, his notes, his research, his printed articles, etc. mixed with the junk mail. Impossible to know what to toss, what to keep. I would sort out the junk mail, then leave piles of his notes/papers/etc for him to "declutter." that rarely, to never, happened.
so, i had every single intention of sharing the chores with my husband. But after 8 or 9 years together, I realized it was just NEVER going to happen that way. He doesn't clean, he doesn't like to, he'll fuss and fight, and then avoid, and I have to NAG.
I was tired of fighting about it, tired of being embarassed by my house, tired of the dirt and clutter, and just tired of nagging. I finally decided just to DO IT so taht I could live the way I wanted.
And DH fell in line. Clutter is not allowed in the house, period. We declutter every pile, every week, and any notes that are valuable, he has to type into the computer and get rid of the paper. i make sure that if he brings and object in, another object goes out. No collections, no crap, and no complaining about it.
That being said, he does have spaces where he can have piles and files. when they fill, we declutter them and that creates space. he does have a collection, and he has his books. but he is not allowed to leave them lying around where -ever. they go back where they should.
And, i want to point out that while it is a strong boundary, the fact is I *cannot* live with clutter. We have spaces where DH can clutter to his hearts content (which, it turns out, isn't that much after all), but it is out of sight for me. And, it doesn't weigh on me because it is his space.
People consider this somehow wrong, but for whatever reason, would not chastize a cluttered person for 'abusing' the neat one by forcing clutter all over the house. What i mean is this. Right now he has his clutter room. If I then allow him to clutter the dining room table, we have no where to eat. If he then clutters the living room, we now have no place to be or sit. What's left is to clutter the bedroom, where we sleep. I've allowed him to do this in the past. I've been a party to it. I enabled it.
And everyone blamed me for not being a good housekeeper (and a bad woman and a bad person). mostly it was his mother, but still. Even though it was HIS mess.
And it weighed on me in other ways -- the place was dirty. the place was stinky, the place was cluttered. It was stressful -- inherently. I avoided going HOME. that *sucks*.
the clutter had taken over.
and the only way out is. . . boundaries.
and it turns out that cluttered people can be rehabbed. my husband is "naturally anxious." that may be true. His family is ridiculously high strung. but, when i decluttered, cleaned, and organized our house, and did it again, and again, and again until it was entirely managable on my own, DH felt more relaxed in our home. He was less stressed. He could find what he wanted. He felt more creative. He felt more calm and relaxed. We wanted to be there. We wanted to invite people over. It was NICE.
so, now he declutters. Yes, there are still issues -- he still loves paper a lot. but, it's MUCH better. he recycles paper and declutters a lot. He picks up and tidies when he feels stressed, rather than having a tantrum and storming out (his previous behavior). Yes, when it's very messy in here (DS's playing), he'll freak out a bit because it's "just too much" and he "doesn't knwo where to begin" but because we live in a small space, with minimal stuff, it takes 30 minutes to tidy the whole house. It takes me 1.5 hrs to SCRUB the whole place.
and i do it for me. because i like living this way. and he does too, but he wouldn't necessrily do what it takes if he were on his own.
Wildflower
8-28-11, 5:02am
In our mid 50's, and DH and I share household chores. He does what he is good at and I do what I'm good at. Works out well for both of us and no one is resentful. :) I will admit though that it took a good many years to arrive at this peaceful compromise...
... but now i say "oh,a 40 yr old man can't dust. that's interesting. I should call scientists and the media, they would be interested."
ha ha that's funny!
I break out the iron about 3 times/year - usually for crafts.
DH and I shared chores fairly equally before I left work after DD's birth. Now I do the bulk of them, but that's my job these days, and it's fine with me. He mows the lawn and shovels most of the snow, and when there's a household task I can't handle for some reason, he'll get it done.
I'm in my 40's. My personal persepctive on marriage is that it is that we are both to unburden each other where we can. We work together to take care of our home and each other's needs. Since I work from home, it would be disrespectful for me to not take care of any of the household chores that I can. Even when I worked full time, I was still home more as I didn't have have the long commute my dh did. Likewise, if my dh has time off of work he will tackle chores that I normally end up doing, to free up my time.
While my husband is fully capable of doing his own ironing, I person
I believe there is still an expectation that women should be solely responsible for all domestic chores, but that expectation (in my case) is the result of my old-fashioned ways (and choice). Looking at this age old argument from the premise of todays' modern ways, I'm probably the exception to the rule, as I love my job as doting mom, homemaker, and wife. I feel right at home doing everything for everyone in our home, and short of DH taking on the domestic areas of duties such as lawn-cutting and general overall maintenance, everything else falls to me.
I do like it when I hear shared domestic duties take place in other people's homes, and I know DH would do more if I asked him to, but I much prefer practicing a more traditional style of living related to chores and duties. In fact, I'm so staunch and stodgy, that I'd get my nose out of joint if anyone tried to make their way into my marked territory to challenge my ways or offer theirs. So protective of my title I am.
dado potato
8-29-11, 10:07am
Like jpl... shirts aren't ironed. (Brooks Brothers 100% Suprima Cotton.)
iris lily
8-29-11, 10:49am
I thought of something else--DH cleans the carpets 2X annually. He found a carpet cleaner in the alley, fixed it up, and now uses it on our carpets. I hates carpets, they are filthy, and I wish they were all gone, but since we have to have them (his choice) he gets to clean them.I am sitting here looking at 16 spots where cats have vomited, and that is just in this immediate area.
Bastelmutti
8-29-11, 11:07am
Mrs-M, I am secretly territorial about my kitchen/groceries/grocery shopping. And a little glad everyone went back to work/school so that I can do what I want in there!
My mother raised two very domesticated sons. My wife and I both pitch in and work on the laundry, but many times it is just me. I do my own ironing and kid's, sometimes my wife's simple stuff. I am very anal about laundry. I like to get it ALL done on my day off. I do the dishes, take out the garbage, wastebaskets, recycling. I wash windows - I HATE IT. We split cooking dinner, but I always clean up. We both grocery shop, but most of the time it is me (with her list!).
DW - makes the bed (hospital corners, bounce a quarter on it!), vacuums, tends to kids - taxi driver, school homework, sports, etc. cleans bathrooms, Wonderful cook. Dusting. Decorates house. Makes sure holidays are celebrated, I am not big on holidays - but that is a whole new thread!
We each pretty much wash our own cars, but I usually wax both.
Bastelmutti. I find it comforting to hear from someone else Re: their domestic territorial ways. My mom's domestic territory (aside from everything domestic) has always been laundry. She takes laundry serious.
Greg44. It's so nice to see the man of the home take on such a proactive domestic role. (Definitely one key factor in helping to make for and create a stable and healthy happy marriage).
Bastelmutti. I find it comforting to hear from someone else Re: their domestic territorial ways. My mom's domestic territory (aside from everything domestic) has always been laundry. She takes laundry serious. .
I had a friend who ruined several pieces of his wife's clothing...he was banned forever from the laundry...he said with a wink!
Originally posted by Greg44.
I had a friend who ruined several pieces of his wife's clothing...he was banned forever from the laundry...he said with a wink! The DIRTY rascal..... I see that look in your eyes. LMAO! Hope your not getting any ideas.
One area related to shared domestic chores (in our house) that never came close to materializing, was diaper changing. My husband would not for the life of him, deal with a diaper, not even one that was piddled in, so that aspect of domestic duties always fell on me. My dad was the same.
Another area where DH managed to escape responsibility, cooking. To this day DH can't boil a pot of water without making a mess, and he breaks out in a cold-sweat, if he has to make himself a slice of toast, so everything kitchen, falls on me, which I'm perfectly OK with.
I had a friend who ruined several pieces of his wife's clothing...he was banned forever from the laundry...he said with a wink!
My mother once "accidentally" rested a hot iron on the center back of one of my father's shirts long enough to make an impression, so to speak. As long as I can remember, he ironed his own clothes. The women in my family are gifted in many ways, but not easily domesticated.
ETA: my beloved is much tidier and prone to keeping up with household chores than I am. I love that about him. http://www.kolobok.us/smiles/other/heart.gif
DH and I are in our late 60's. He does things I hate to do and vice versa--these are few, but hate to the extent that they wouldn't happen if the other one didn't do them. That means he makes the bed and I mop. Otherwise, we do favors for each other, doing chores the other more often does, and we divvy up--like I put the clothes in the washer and turn it one, he hangs them out more often than I do, but more often we do it together, same with taking them in, folding them up, putting them away. Weavoid lots of tasks we don't like by keeping it simple, like not buying stuff that needs to be ironed (have no iron or board), have few things so not much that needs to be put away and have no storage space. Have a small house so it's not only cheaper but quicker to maintain--including it doesn't hold much stuff, another reason we don't have that stuff. When it's time for something to go, it most often gets set out on the street for any neighbor who might need it, so no hassle about how to get rid of or time spent doing so.
So, an update, and this is interesting. I read my old pieces.
While a lot of it is still true, a lot has changed in the year.
Last year, I did most of the household chores. I was home in the mornings while DH was at work, and DH was home in the evenings. It was no problem to keep the house clean and tidy, because I wasn't working as much. Now, I am working all day Mon, Tues, and Wed, and then half days Thurs/Fri. DH is working half days Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and every-other wednesday. He is home the majority of the time.
So, because of this, he actually started to take on more. It started with an assertion that he has to do "everything." But I pointed out that his life is pretty much the same as before. He's still working his normal hours, and he still gets his gym/workout time. The difference is, that I'm working much more than I was before, and there is only so much time in my day.
He was frustrated that 'nothing was getting done' becuase he was no longer doing things. Cooking was about 50-50, but at this point, I wasn't cooking at all. So, he was getting frustrated about this. Then, when he does cook, he doesn't wash all of the dishes or wipe down the kitchen, so the kitchen, of course, was "no longer functional!" and so on and so forth on down the trail.
Eventually, I just said to him that he'll have to do it. I'm happy to help out -- and I do. I help with laundry, I do some of the dishes and wipe down countertops, I cook when I can (often on weekends), and I do a lot of decluttering each evening. I also use Thursday mornings to do my scrubbing chores of the day -- it really only takes about an hour to do the whole house (dust, mop, scrub everything, vacuum, windows, etc) if the house is overall tidy. On Fridays, I do the garden, sweeping around the house, scrubbing the house down (of spider webs, mold, sand/salt, etc), and then wash/vacuum the car. DS usually helps, and of course, we tidy the house before we leave, so that DH and DS come home to a nice, clean and tidy house. Or on Fridays, we all do.
This really means, that DH has to do most -- to all -- of the cooking, as well as clean the dishes and wipe the countertops and such. In addition, when he does laundry, he also has to fold it and put it all away. And finally, he has to tidy with DS before the bed-time routine.
As much as I agree with the notion "they are only little once, household chores can wait," the reality is that the chores take very little time if they are "built in" AND they are time with DS. DS loves to help out.
Today, for example, he was out in the garden whiel I was scrubbing the bathroom. I then moved on t scrub the kitchen, and heard DS using the toilet. I came in to ask him if he needed a wipe, and discovered that he was planting tomatoes in the middle of the clean-and-still-wet bathroom floor. In addition, he was using his own urine to both fertilize and water this plant, so that it will grow in the nice, warm and wet bathroom. Apparently, I'd said something about it being a strange summer, and the tomatoes probably needed more warmth and moisture. Problem solved, the bathroom is the obvious place!
So, I cleaned the bathroom again.
In any case, the reality is he is a helpful kid, and tidying is a fun task for us. So is getting dressed and brushing teeth and all of the mundanities of life. It is still "with" him, even if it's not cuddling or playing. And, we do a lot of that too -- in a clean and tidy house.
Seeing that he really only works about a 4 hr day, and is away from home 6 hours total (usually), and he has the remaining 6 hrs until I get home with DS, and 2 of those hours are spent on bed-time routine. . . it turns out that he CAN finish things like folding and puttin the laundry away, or tidying up the blocks before dinner (which is what I used to do on my dinner-home nite).
This has been good for me, as it makes it easier for me to clean on my day.
Mighty Frugal
2-15-12, 9:55pm
My dh and I both work full time outside the home, so we share chores. He does most of the laundry and most of the cooking as well as all outdoor chores. He also cleans the basement washroom. I clean the upstairs bathroom, change all the bedding and clean the kitchen-counters, floors, dishwasher. I also do all the dusting.
Oh, and dh does most of the vacuuming.
I HATE vacuuming and TRY to get him to do it because he got to decide on the type of vacuum cleaner we would buy.
He chose a Miele (great) but upright (HATE uprights). So this big boxy clumsy monster is constantly bruising my shins, absolutely refuses to climb up the stairs, and keeps bashing his big dumb head against the couch and bed because he is too big to fit underneath!
How do people with stupid uprights clean under furniture? And don't tell me to use that nozzle hose attachment thingy..because firstly Mr. Miele Upright refuses to release it without a fight...then once the hose is ready and has sucked up my hair a few times (he loves showing off his sucking power) then what?
Do you honestly think I am going to lie on the floor while I wave this hose up and down and back and forth under the furniture? How long would it take for me to clean the entire floor under the furniture? The nozzle's sucking head is a mere 2 inches wide....it never does a good job.
So I yank out the stupid nozzle, and then fight Mr. Miele Upright to let go of the attachment-he hangs on tight. Finally get it off, and the hose sucks my hair up again..cram the stupid attachment back in the holder which doesn't hold it and it falls on my foot....argh..I HATE uprights! Thinking they are so smart with their stupid light at the front. Who cares about a light. It's not like I vacuum in the dark! I have lights on my ceilings thankyouverymuch.
I miss my canister vacuum who would glide under my furniture with nary a growl....who would happily scamper up as I vacuumed the stairs
But now that we've spent tons of money on the stupid Mr. Miele Upright I am stuck with it..and they don't die...not even if you poison them...or put a hex on them.....so I now refuse to vacuum.
Today, for example, he was out in the garden whiel I was scrubbing the bathroom. I then moved on t scrub the kitchen, and heard DS using the toilet. I came in to ask him if he needed a wipe, and discovered that he was planting tomatoes in the middle of the clean-and-still-wet bathroom floor. In addition, he was using his own urine to both fertilize and water this plant, so that it will grow in the nice, warm and wet bathroom. Apparently, I'd said something about it being a strange summer, and the tomatoes probably needed more warmth and moisture. Problem solved, the bathroom is the obvious place!
Hahaha! I know that kind of thing is really irritating the moment you discover it, but it's the kind of thing you'll laugh over when he's 30. That is hilarious.
Oh, no, stella. I thought it was very funny. It was upsetting of course, becuase I had to re-clean the bathroom, but it was so funny. And I couldn't really get mad at hime. I said "just as mommy next time you want to plant some plants, ok? I'll help you find the right place and help you do it." And he goes 'But I can do it by myself!" and I siad "I know that you can, but it would be great if we could do it together. It's more fun together."
It works out. But seriously. Twice cleaned bathroom today! :D
Lots of fun reading everyone's entries!
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