When it comes to babycare...

[Mrs-M]

which age do you find more difficult and challenging to deal with, babies or toddlers?

I thought of Kat and Stella and Ejchase and TVRodriguez when I thought of this one. I remember the days (not that long ago) where I had a crying baby or babies waiting for my attention round the clock. Seems when babies are newborn and little, there's no calming them, there's no keeping them happy, and there's just no getting any sleep or relaxation. If it's not one thing, it's another, and if it's not another, it's something else.

The night feedings, the changings, the hopeless nights where teething strikes, or when diaper rash rears it's ugly head (or is present), the nights when diarrhea happens, or when baby just decides that he or she is just going to be plain old difficult. (All in a day's work by all accounts for most moms, but)...

Share your experience with such, as I'd love to hear about it.

I have mixed feelings over the age difference thing. On one hand, new babies sleep so much (for the most part), and that makes for great downtime, but on the other hand they cry a lot and are always fussing and needing, where as toddlers tend be more independent, but with independence comes trouble. i.e. Two legged (upright) monsters getting into everything, becoming defiant, showing their true colours, etc.

[Zoebird]

I think newborn.

I think my reasons are specific:

1. you are rather shell-shocked. birth is hard work (even if painless in my case), and you are zonked. and you then have a baby to care for 24-7.

2. every dynamic changes in every relationship around you, and sometimes you get "left behind." I was invisible for months -- it was all about the baby. photographs of the baby omitted me (particularly from my ILs), such that a nice church lady friend of theirs sent them a condolence card for "the loss of your daughter in law in the joy of welcoming your grandson." they were confused, so they asked her, and she said "well, of all the pictures we see every week, there's not one photo of the MOTHER and baby. Just the baby, with his father, with you, with his other grandparents, with his aunts, on a cushion. I just assumed she had passed, but no one was speaking about it."

So, yeah *invisible*.

3. being very alone. I am a bit of a loner anyway, so it's not aproblem. But, unlike many of my (younger) friends, no one visited me except my family about once a week, and then they focused on the baby. the statements were "we'll come and help you out around the house!" and such. But, they came in, took the baby, and said "we'll hold him while you clean." Yeah, thanks. I have been doing that all week with the baby in the wrap. I could really use a nap. But i wasn't allowed to nap for some reason. it was so confusing.

my younger friends often had parents staying with them for the first several weeks, friends dropping by and helping out (with food, encouragement, help around the house), and so on. Yeah, I didn't ahve that. SO, i make sure that i do it.

4. the sudden realization that i couldn't just go someplace for one thing. I had to plan going out a lot more. I had to take into consideration someone else's very important needs all the time.


5. i struggled learning to breastfeed -- DS had latch issues. it took work. It was worth it, but it was hard. it was just non-stop work. :)

It was great, truly, and I'm happy that I had a baby and all of that. But i went this week to visit my friend who had her baby 2 weeks ago -- and I don't envy her at all. I truly don't. She's having problems with nursing, i taught her to EC and babywear, and I helped by cleaning up her place. When i got there, she was completely tense like a live wire sort of vibration. When i said i was going to leave, she got suddenly terrified, and I said "after the next feeding" (because her partner would be back by then). She was also stressed, exhausted, frustrated, and lonely. Her house looked like abomb had gone off, and so on and so forth.

I'm going back this friday and the next few.

Any romantic notions that I had a few days ago about "ooh, it would be great to have another baby!" are well out the window. No ways no hows right nows.

[Wildflower]

I found my firstborn to be very difficult. She was colicky, didn't sleep, and recovery from birth for me was difficult. I didn't receive any help from family either. No one prepares you for the reality of your first baby. It is not all sweetness and love like the image most often portrayed by society. It can be so difficult, exhausting, and some days are just totally overwhelming. I often felt like a failure and was so isolated. Things got better though and I soon fell in love with my baby, but still there were difficult days and I felt like I had totally lost myself.

It was easier with my second baby. Birth was easier, recovery easier, and she ate and slept well. I experienced much more bliss with the second one. I was also very organized that time around and was able to stay on top of the laundry, cooking and cleaning. DH was more helpful the second time around too.

My girls are now grown adults and when I look back I know it was all worth it, but I will always say those first few weeks can be very hard on Mom and baby at times...

I always thought the toddler years were easier. We had lots of fun during the toddler stage. I always loved watching them growing and learning about their environment. :) Now teenagers, that's a whole other story and not one I would want to repeat. LOL

[Zoebird]

i have to say that i loved my baby from the very start -- i always have. it was intense.

but, i was exhausted. the first week was the hardest -- getting the latch going. having no women (except our LC) who could help (or were willing to), and really, not having any guidance what-so-ever or support of someone saying "it's ok, i've been there, you'll get through it." as opposed to "just use formula, it's ok." no, it's not ok!

i'm glad that, for my friend, I can say to her "you will get through this. it will work out, and be smooth sailing."

even when I was there, the baby slept in the wrap for a good 3 hrs, and during that time, we were able to get a lot done. We went through and decluttered various piles, loaded up the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen as well as unpacking the groceries that got delivered. We set up her room and bed for safe cosleeping, and put the bassenette closer so that when she wasn't cosleeping, it would be easier. I even did things that no one thinks of -- like putting a wool blanket underneath the sheet to increase the heat, and reminding them to use a hot water bottle in the bed before putting baby down -- the cold bed after a warm body wakes baby up! We were able to do a lot, and she saw the real value of the baby wearing.

but, her milk supply is low, and now she's on medicaiton for it (tried the tea first). i spoke with her today, and I told her it's all good. The end goal here is to get the baby fed and healthy, and you just use whatever means necessary. I joked with her that this is why everyone in NY, NJ, PA, DE, and CT as well as most of NZ and everyone in SFO as well as the Philly air port, and everyone on the planes, and everyone in public transport in between, and everyone who would be near me at any time -- has seen my breasts. yes, i would "whip them out." and while people *think* in their stupid heads that it was "exhibitionism!" i am telling you, I just wanted that kid fed, and I wanted him fed breastmilk, and that was that and everyone else can go eff themselves and their effing sensitivities about boobs. LOL

anyway, we had a good laugh about it, because i told her it will come.

i know that just hearing that is helpful. the LC that she had there last friday told me, while my firend was in the toilet, that it's one of the best things mothers can hear. You'll solve the problem, it will get better, you will get through this.

I also must say that this latch issue was the only issue i had with my son. And, I wasnt' upset at him about it -- i was frustrated that i couldn't get help/support as quickly as I wanted (he was born on labor day weekend, everyone was on holiday!).

beyond that, my family exploded. my mother was always saying "oh, he's just like your sister!" except that he wasn't my sister's baby, was he? No, he wasn't. My sister wasnt' at all involved. i already wrote about my ILs, and my husband. . . well, i don't even want to talk about it. Essentially, it hit on his major issues, and our most yucky poo dynamic got blown apart, and we fought -- nonstop whenever we were together -- for 9 months. Until I just shut him out completely. Seriously, I wouldn't listen to him, I would avoid him, I asked him to go and do things (eg, go to the gym more frequently, go to movies with friends) just anything to avoid him. It was totally NOT what I expected of our having a kid.

Moving to NZ was the best for us in so many ways. It really changed things around. It also helped that DS was 1.5 years. For me, mothering got easier around 1 month. I had it down pat. It was the relating-to-everyone-else that was harder than anything.

but i also admit, i'm weird and uncompromising about it. i never feel this way, but i am the fringe of the fringe.

UNassisted pregnancy (no medical tests or appointments)
Unassisted birth (no attendants, at home)
exclusive (no bottles) breast feeding
cosleeping/bed sharing (no nursery)
EC (few/no diapers, no changing table, or extensive, "cute" paraphenalia)
Babywearing (no stroller)
Unconditional Parenting (form of discipline technique)

He was close to me all the time, and i was a serious mama bear about everything. Criticism and fear on all sides about how I was killing the baby, not doing anything right, etc. Except that the baby was -- and is -- awesome at all times. Best attachment people have ever witnessed, happy, easy going, fun -- part of it his personality, but yes, part of it is parenting.

End of the day, I'm not easy to get along with. I'm used to that. But I was not expecting it to go that bad. Once everyone settled into things, and once I felt that I could open up about my own feelings, things got easier.

But the explosion of personalities, the extreme exhaustion, and the loneliness of that first month or two -- it was a lot to deal with.

and seeing as i have my own business now -- which is another all-the-time workload -- i'm in no position to care for a newborn AND an active 3 yr old. it's just too much for us. DH and i are certain that even though everyone says the second one is 'easier' -- it woudl definitely be too much for us right now.

[Bastelmutti]

I'll deviate and say toddlers! The lack of sleep was tough for me throughout, but that continued into toddlerhood. I think it was all the chasing around and constant vigilance that is needed with toddlers that is hard. Add potty training and ugh! :-) My favorite stage was 6-8 mos. when they could sit up and interact, and generally act like adorable babies, but not yet crawl. The best!

[Float On]

OK. Confession. I don't like babies. Never intended to have children, never babysat when I was younger. After 5 years of marriage my husband said we should have a baby. After fertility treatments I ended up with 2, 11.5 mts apart. But they were my babies! I loved them. I was tired but loved it! But I also always said 'God knew I couldn't handle much because both boys were easy babies.'

Yesterday was the first time in 13 years that I actually held someone elses baby for a bit. I didn't enjoy it. So glad I ended up being a good mom to my two boys when they were babies.

Give me Jr Highers and High school agers over babies any day!

[Stella]

It's been different for me with each kid.

Cheyenne was an easy baby but I was just getting my feet wet, so the adjustment was a big one. I had the opposite experience of Zoebird with people telling me that it was wrong to ever set my child down (she hated the sling with a passion) or make her sleep in a crib (I have seizure issues that make bed sharing unsafe) and things of that nature. She has always had a flair for the dramatic which made toddlerhood both delightful and trying.

Bella was a colicky baby, but has been the easiest kid ever since. She is unbelievably self entertained.

James was the worlds easiest baby. He never fussed unless he needed something and once it was fixed he was good. As a toddler he is nuts. Not in a naughty way, but in a "gee, I wonder what would happen if flung myself off the stairs. Ouch. That hurt! Maybe if I try it a different way it won't hurt. Hmm.that hurt too. Maybe this will work" sort of way.

Travis is a good baby. Slept through the night by a month old and only up once a night before that. He will be 5 months this week.

[maribeth]

P was a very easy baby. She was (and still is) very observant and careful, and never put contraband into her mouth, and (mostly) slept well.

She turned into a very bright, verbal and active toddler. It is so fun to watch the little wheels of her mind turning away. But just listening to the constant narrative of her life can be completely exhausting. And lately she seems intent on running me ragged ("spin me! Now jump with me! Now we spin on one foot! Now you run this way, and I run that way! ...") but then refusing to take a nap. Hello, you may not need a nap, but Mommy does!

[artist]

I found toddler hood to be more challenge with my son as well as most of the kids I've cared for over the years. I've been an infant/toddler teacher at a center based daycare and I currently run a home daycare and worked as a nanny for many years.

[Gardenarian]

Definitely newborn was the most difficult for me. I was in way over my head. That learning curve is really steep!
Actually, I think I've enjoyed every age more than the last.
(dd is now 12; we'll see if this pattern continues into the teens. I think it just might.)

[Mrs-M]

What a lovely read! So great reading everyone's stores/experiences. (Thanks everyone). In speaking for myself I knew sitting on this one and sleeping on it (for the night) would reward me with a better sense of accuracy Re: which age is more challenging. (I'm going with the newborn age/stage).

Overall, I found myself tired and washed out after my births, yet there was no downtime. Crying, feedings, diapers by the dozen, shuffling my feet down the hallway at 2 am to check-up on someone or another to find out what all the disturbance was about, always sitting with a crying baby in my arms, rocking baby back and forth for hours at a stretch (at times), sometimes to the point of me falling asleep while rocking, and wondering if my large open eyes would ever come back again.

Then there was the laundry. Diaper pail full of diapers every second day, crib sheets and baby clothes at intervals of what seemed like daily, over-tired days that carried over to restless nights, and a seemingly endless schedule surrounding all the simple little baby tasks we mothers are subjected to when it comes to the care of a newborn babe.

So yes, definitely newborn-hood for me. Re: the toddler stage, this stage seemed easier and more relaxing to me than newborn-hood. Typical day in my home (toddler-hood related) consisted of chasing after someone a few times a day (good exercise for mom), preparing a bottle for them twice daily, a quick pants (diaper) change once every 2-3 hours, and as far as everything went, it all seemed to fall into place nicely/comfortably. Plus, no more need for gingerly handling! (Mom against tyke parenting now)!

[Stella]

Then there was the laundry.

Slightly OT Mrs. M but since you probably do even more laundry than me I would welcome any tips you have for taming the laundry monster. Seven people make a HUGE amount of laundry.

[Mrs-M]

Slightly OT Mrs. M but since you probably do even more laundry than me I would welcome any tips you have for taming the laundry monster. Seven people make a HUGE amount of laundry.I love this so much I'm going to start a special thread topic specifically on just this!

[Wildflower]

i have to say that i loved my baby from the very start -- i always have. it was intense.

Oh yes, I did too!! I didn't mean that I didn't love her. Birthing her, although difficult and painful, was also the most intense high and ecstatic moment in my life. I felt complete and totally satisfied in a way I never had before. It was like my whole being was merged with her and we were one. We are still incredibly close Mom and daughter to this day. But the first few weeks following her birth were difficult, and looking back now I know I definitely had postpartum depression. She had colic and rarely slept more then a couple hours at a time. The exhaustion was overwhelming and I had no help. That was the hardest part...

[Mrs-M]

This thread caused me to think back to my babysitting days when I cared for babies and toddlers regularly, and I remember enjoying babies more (back then) than toddlers. Not hard to tell I definitely didn't see the big picture back then. LMAO!