View Full Version : Feeling totally disconnected from community (long)
frugalone
12-28-11, 4:49pm
As I face 2012, I am faced with the sad truth that I have no sense of community. This came about gradually, though I have to say that it wasn't surprising.
I was born and raised in this area (Northeast Pa.) and never really liked it here. Never had any intention of staying, and neither did DH. Somehow, though years went by and we stayed. We are both now out of work, and maybe this might be a good time to consider moving (but that's a whole other thread).
For several years we were involved in a coffeehouse/folk venue. Due to internal conflicts, and lack of audience attendance, the whole thing eventually folded. It really hurt to lose that community of very good people. We aren't even in touch with them anymore, which is sad.
I did have a women's book group, which was more about friends meeting than about the books! :~) I am still in touch with the women, but it has gotten to a point where we have not met in a year, and I'm tired of being the one trying to set up the meetings/rally everyone together/etc. I feel sad about this, too. We met for over 10 years.
My friends? Well, sometimes my decision to remain childless seems like an error, when they're always posting on FB about their grandchildren and children. FB is kind of annoying in that respect. If we were to believe everything on there, everyone's life is so great!
So, enough gushing...how do hubby and I create a sense of community? I know this is not an easy question to answer...but where do we start? Any ideas?
Thank you!
Well, we found it in church and church activities. We're UU -- which is not typical "church" by any means -- and love the community activities. DH is very active in the "political" side of the church -- being on the Board, etc. I'm not, tho I was when we first moved here. When DH becomes very active I have to back off, because I can't handle both of us frazzled. We do some social justice activities together, which we enjoy. We also belong to two church "chalice circles" -- small groups getting together to discuss current events, life events, religion in general (or specific), or whatever. Some of the people weren't "friends" when we started, but we're all pretty close now. We feel very connected.
frugalone
12-28-11, 5:15pm
Unitarian Universalist, I presume? I can look into that because I am pretty sure there is a congregation nearby. We also have a "Center for Peace and Justice" that many of the coffeehouse people belong to. Thank you, Serendipity.
Without sounding too overly mushy, a good start to regaining back a little of the community you lost in your lives, is for you and your husband to pull closer together (if you haven't already). There's a lot of strength and passion that can be tapped into by doing so.
How about events such as teas, bazaars, and baking functions? Normally functions and events such as these go hand-in-hand with churches and/or the ladies who host and organize such gatherings. I think it would make for a superb starting point. Feeling appreciated (by others) and knowing your time and help is needed often makes all the difference in the world as to how one approaches the hurdles and trials and tribulations that life can all too often throw at us.
Added positive to offering up volunteer help/services, you'll meet new people and that in itself will encourage you to expand further, helping you to carry on where you left off and recreate a new garden of joy and hope.
Another option would be to get more serious (if that's what you so desire) and start a club of some sort, concentrating on others who have the same dedication towards your ambition and sentiment. Additionally, you could make one last attempt at contacting as many lost members you used to be in contact with and in turn, each of those contacts might possibly have contacts who know of others or who themselves, are interested in supporting your endeavors.
As difficult as it is, trying times (more often than not) help solidify brainstorms and visions, and IMO, it is those new ideas that help bring people closer together and in turn, help create an uplifting sense. A sense of renewed energy and freshness.
Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
treehugger
12-28-11, 5:56pm
As an adult, I have made the most friends through a book club and through volunteering. I have also made a few friends at work, for the first time in my adult life, which is pretty cool.
Anyway, my husband and I both volunteer with the same group (greyhound rescue) and have really enjoyed the social aspect, even though we weren't really looking for that when we started. Our group is a real, supportive community that I am thrilled to be a part of.
My book club is different. It actually started with some online friendships (11 years ago); we eventually met in real life, enjoyed each other's company, and continued to plan get togethers through the years. A few of us have even traveled together, and I count 5 of those original members as some of my closest friends.
My husband and I don't have children, nor are we church members, so those two common social opportunities are not available to us.
Kara
I would try to revive the women's group. Could you just send out a note to everybody saying you miss them and would love to see them once a month, say on a particular day of a particular week of the month, preferably at your house since you are out of work, and would appreciate it if anyone coming could bring along a snack or drink since you don't have extra cash to put toward feeding a lot of people. Even if only a couple of people can make it a month, that beats not seeing people.
I would also start going to the place where your coffeehouse people hang out. I find that old friends are almost always very happy to see us, regardless of how long it has been since the last time. Good people don't hold grudges, and realize that sometimes people drift apart for awhile, but it is nice when you drift back together again.
I am also frustrated about my lack of community in Beijing, and thinking about a couple of ways to address it. One is to invite people I know who seem to have a foodie type bent over once a month for a group cooking/eating session -- I have a big kitchen and I think it would be an interesting way to try some new recipes. Another is to start a book or video swap focused on food and health issues. There is an online group focused on organic food in beijing that I belong to that I think would have several people interested in something of that nature, and it is a good way to expand access to good resources without spending a lot of money.
Also planning to push DH to get out and socialize more. He has some old friends in beijing that we haven't really seen much, but should. And we need to get out for "date nights" more ourselves.
Good luck and let us know how it goes. I don't think you are alone in this struggle. It is much harder to make friends as an adult, I think.
lhamo
Volunteering has been a major connection for me. One time events are fun, but if you can find things to do more regularly you start connecting to others doing the same.
I'd also hit up the "Center for Peace and Justice" place - it sounds like you miss those people, and you know where they are.
Lady - It's not easy finding those good friends, I understand your frustration. My husband and I do not have children either and move a LOT through his work. He has community through his work but I do not fit very well with his military/gov't co-workers & their spouses. Nice people but not many artists in the bunch :)
My solution has been to have a clear idea of what kind of friends I would like, what kinds of activities I want to accomplish with those friends...my focus is art so that's where I look, museum groups, art classes, etc..
www.meetup.com is a really good resource in which I have had great success meeting some very wonderful people. By joining you get a chance to meet many others with similar interests. It's worldwide!! hint, hint Lhamo :)
Friends come and go, having children often changes a friends focus from things like fun ski weekends to first steps and soccer games. Nothing wrong with that, neither is it wrong for you to move on with your life in the direction you see fit. I heard you can ignore various friends on fb vs specifically unfriending them. Not sure if that's true or not.
I hope you find the community you are looking for.
Dhiana
Unitarian Universalist, I presume? I can look into that because I am pretty sure there is a congregation nearby. We also have a "Center for Peace and Justice" that many of the coffeehouse people belong to. Thank you, Serendipity.
Yeah, it's Unitarian-Universalist, and it is worth a try. Each congregation will be different tho -- some are more spiritual/religious than others, and some are quite friendly, but others can be a bit cold. But all of the suggestions here are good as well. Some libraries have schedules of meetings there, and perhaps you could get involved in one of those. A friend got very involved in plays and concerts, and met some serious "fan" groups there that evolved into friendships and they would go to out-of-town events together. Also sports teams! And hobby groups -- birding, running/walking, quilting, knitting/crocheting, skiing, horseback riding ... etc. We're pretty involved in a beginning cohousing group, and making friends and getting together is fun. Volunteering can lead to community as well -- (small) county fairs are fun (I used to work full-time at a Fair). Sounds like I'm suggesting "things to do", whick is true, but getting involved is the main thing. Good luck!
But real community is more than just doing different things with different groups of people -- it's about getting to really know those people and care about them -- and like them! That's why our church is very important to us. We have regular formal and informal activities with people who we see at least every Sunday (more often usually) and feel very connected with in more than just one way. It does take a bit of time to get "known", but it's worth it.
ljevtich
12-29-11, 12:40am
You can unsubscribe to their posts (in Facebook) for a while before you unfriend them.
Meetup is a great idea
But the best is volunteering. Not only do you work with other people, you are increasing your job possibilities. You become friends with others that have the same interests. It is a win win situation.
frugalone
12-29-11, 1:11am
Thank you for your very good suggestions. I need to address a couple of awkward points here for everyone.
I am not putting anyone down here, really. I realize this place is suffering from lack of funds, and lack of employees. However...
I was volunteering for a short time at a local museum, where one of the book group members is a curator. However, I got kind of upset for a couple of reasons. 1. I'm not comfortable working with her assistant. I don't want to go into reasons here. 2. The place is a mess, physically and financially. I mean, you can't even find a place to sit down half the time, or a place to put projects you're working on. The next day, you'll come in and your stuff will be gone. I live in an extremely messy home, and it really, really bugs me to deal with this at a work situation. I tried to rearrange the filing system, and my friend is so busy she doesn't have any time to tell me what can and cannot be thrown out. So I think I will have to volunteer elsewhere. I did offer to redo their newsletter but there's a political situation there that prevents them from revamping it. Frankly, I want something I can put on my resume (like the newsletter). 3. The political situation: The board of directors is trying to dethrone the director of the museum. Not a good time there all around.
I've been trying to start a mixed media art group for a long time, but it's hard to find a place/time to meet. I don't know a thing about starting groups, so I'm a little lost here.
But as I said, all good ideas.
Added positive to offering up volunteer help/services, you'll meet new people and that in itself will encourage you to expand further, helping you to carry on where you left off and recreate a new garden of joy and hope.
Another option would be to get more serious (if that's what you so desire) and start a club of some sort, concentrating on others who have the same dedication towards your ambition and sentiment. Additionally, you could make one last attempt at contacting as many lost members you used to be in contact with and in turn, each of those contacts might possibly have contacts who know of others or who themselves, are interested in supporting your endeavors.
As difficult as it is, trying times (more often than not) help solidify brainstorms and visions, and IMO, it is those new ideas that help bring people closer together and in turn, help create an uplifting sense. A sense of renewed energy and freshness.
Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
frugalone
12-29-11, 1:14am
I did try that, in the late summer. I e-mailed everyone and asked for their contact info as I was updating the group's records. Another member said she wanted to host a fall get together, which did not happen. AND not everyone responded to my e-mail. I get tired of always being "the one". They can't come to my house, either--it is a total overcluttered mess and there is nowhere for people to sit. Another thread, though, for that issue.
About the coffeehouse: I have no idea where those folks hang out--not even at the Peace Center--I'm not a member there. I think they just scattered. I should have mentioned that everyone did not part on good terms. I'm not saying there was a big fight or anything, but one guy took over the whole thing and alienated everyone else, who just fell away out of sheer inertia.
It's complicated...
I would try to revive the women's group. Could you just send out a note to everybody saying you miss them and would love to see them once a month, say on a particular day of a particular week of the month, preferably at your house since you are out of work, and would appreciate it if anyone coming could bring along a snack or drink since you don't have extra cash to put toward feeding a lot of people. Even if only a couple of people can make it a month, that beats not seeing people.
I would also start going to the place where your coffeehouse people hang out. I find that old friends are almost always very happy to see us, regardless of how long it has been since the last time. Good people don't hold grudges, and realize that sometimes people drift apart for awhile, but it is nice when you drift back together again.
I am also frustrated about my lack of community in Beijing, and thinking about a couple of ways to address it. One is to invite people I know who seem to have a foodie type bent over once a month for a group cooking/eating session -- I have a big kitchen and I think it would be an interesting way to try some new recipes. Another is to start a book or video swap focused on food and health issues. There is an online group focused on organic food in beijing that I belong to that I think would have several people interested in something of that nature, and it is a good way to expand access to good resources without spending a lot of money.
Also planning to push DH to get out and socialize more. He has some old friends in beijing that we haven't really seen much, but should. And we need to get out for "date nights" more ourselves.
Good luck and let us know how it goes. I don't think you are alone in this struggle. It is much harder to make friends as an adult, I think.
lhamo
frugalone
12-29-11, 1:16am
I've started doing that, thanks!
Meetup is a bit of a bust in this area. I don't know why...people are so apathetic around here. It's a depressed area and maybe so are the people. I know I am. ha ha
I will check into the Audubon Society, and the local art league. I think we also have a Sierra Club.
Thanks everyone!
You can unsubscribe to their posts (in Facebook) for a while before you unfriend them.
Meetup is a great idea
But the best is volunteering. Not only do you work with other people, you are increasing your job possibilities. You become friends with others that have the same interests. It is a win win situation.
goldensmom
12-29-11, 6:57am
Without sounding too overly mushy, a good start to regaining back a little of the community you lost in your lives, is for you and your husband to pull closer together (if you haven't already). There's a lot of strength and passion that can be tapped into by doing so.
You’ve touched on something, Mrs. M, that I’ve not thought of before - a community of 2. I feel no need for community beyond my husband.
A convenient, established group to begin with is a church and most communities have several choices. A lifelong involvement in church has given me continued community beyond the home. Whenever I moved, I immediately joined a church. I always joined the same denomination which gave me a sense of continuity but I don’t think denomination matters when looking for community. Also, a church is a stable group and (in most cases) do not cancel meetings, dissolve, etc.., you can be as involved as you choose but it is always there.
I feel no need for community beyond my husband
I often feel the same way but then I wonder...if he should pass away or otherwise disappear, I would be up a creek. It was much easier with children around to find community but as older adults it gets harder. I think you just have to make the effort to get involved in things that interest you - mine is neighborhood improvement, ie tree planting etc and gardening so there are a wealth of groups in my area. Some will stick and some won't. Just keep trying...
HappyHiker
12-29-11, 11:56am
Maybe my little town is unusual, but I've found community in several groups--none of them formal except serving on the Board of the Friends of the Library.
I've formed close friendships and bonds with women in my yoga group, a women's breakfast group (we meet weekly at a local diner), and a monthly women's dining out group (sometimes we also have potlucks at our homes).
And yes, though we're not regular church goers, there are kindred spirits at the local UU congregation.
Follow your passions and hobbies and see where it might lead you. Birds of a feather and such.
I've not tried book groups because I form very close bonds with certain books I've enjoyed and would find it painful to hear a book I loved trashed by someone else...so I opt out of book clubs...silly of me, I know...but there you have it!
Ladyinblack1964. You have a lot of people rooting for you here! :) As I mentioned, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and hopefully, good fortune will come your way.
Re: starting a group, one idea I would embark upon, is utilizing an ad format. (Get it out there). Another idea, word of mouth. Long story short, whatever ideas you may have, put it down into words, or establish a short speech to relay it, then spread it around. Advertising works.
And yet, one more to add, public message/cork-boards! I'm a HUGE fan of public message/cork-boards! Best thing since the automatic washing machine!
Back when my daughter (first born) was just a baby, a neighbour of ours was after an evening babysitter, yet even after running an ad in the paper for two weeks, nada. She was desperate, so I said to her, "make up a short ad, then post it in the walk-in lobby area of the college". Well, she did, and guess what? That very same day, a twenty-something woman answered her ad and took-on the job.
Put to use every resource you can.
"Not for nothin'" as my DH would say, but we're a community here, too, LIB. I consider it one for me, anyway.
Due to my disabilities, my life has become increasingly isolated. One place I've found amazing community, however, has been joining an ongoing class that practices the martial art of iaido. We started out at the community college, now we meet at the local Boys and Girls club. I was unable to go for quite a long time, and I missed it, then when I recently started to attend again it was like family, only without the bitter disputes about grandma's china. ;) Some of the contemplative arts such as iaido and tai chi and yoga, or even the more athletic ones like kendo, can build strong bonds, as you have to learn to trust your fellow practitioners. http://www.authenticwritingprovokes.com/inspiredwriting/2011/12/dragon/
Do you guys like to hike?
I don't know what costs are involved, but the Appalachian Mountain Club looks active in your area....
http://activities.outdoors.org/search/index.cfm?grp=4
I'm an introvert but have recently developed two little communities for myself: One through volunteering and attending meetings with a local sustainability group, and another through a small yoga class I found near my house. They give me the energy and strength to make my life better on many other fronts....I applaud you for looking to build community. It can change the whole game.
"Not for nothin'" as my DH would say, but we're a community here, too, LIB. I consider it one for me, anyway.
Oh, I don't mean to say that we are not a community. I do realize and appreciate that.
But I think I've been spending a little too much time online, and have become really disconnected from my own city, state, county, etc.
I'm an introvert but have recently developed two little communities for myself: One through volunteering and attending meetings with a local sustainability group, and another through a small yoga class I found near my house. They give me the energy and strength to make my life better on many other fronts....I applaud you for looking to build community. It can change the whole game.
Yoga is great--I used to do it. I've got to find free activities, though. I called the library today to see about volunteering there, and they said to come in and fill out an application. So I'll do that.
mtnlaurel
1-10-12, 10:00am
Oh, I don't mean to say that we are not a community. I do realize and appreciate that.
But I think I've been spending a little too much time online, and have become really disconnected from my own city, state, county, etc.
When you are at the library, take a quick look at this book Making the Moose Out of Life
http://www.amazon.com/Making-Moose-Life-Nicholas-Oldland/dp/1554535808
My 3yo DD picked this book out the other day at the library....
When we read it together....it was more for me than her!!!! ---- The Universe was yelling at me, "Stop researching life and start living it!"
I am so right there with you on getting offline!
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