View Full Version : I'm Getting Married!
At the ripe old age of 51, I'm getting married for the first time. Yup, this old dog is going to learn some new tricks. :D My fiance has been married before, and is about 15 years old than I. We've been together 11 years and I just figured we'd continue to live apart and do what we were doing, and then on Christmas he gave me a ring! He has adult kids, I have none. He does not want to move so although I think it would be preferable to buy a new place together, I won't press the issue, at least for now. He is willing to merge my stuff, clean out his, re-decorate, and make it "ours" as much as is possible. I'm very happy and very excited.
So tell me - what's your best advice? What do you wish you had known about marriage? What should I do? What should I not do? What's the biggest challenge you faced? How did you deal with it? What's the best thing about being married? The worst thing? And so on... :)
Well congratulations. Oh I have learned so much, and there is still so much to learn. I once asked a man who had been married what his secret was and he said "just ignore what you don't like and praise what you do." That might do the trick.
CONGRATULATIONS!! I think kally has the best advice! :D
I was married at age 19 so I had not yet established my own home, my own life, etc.
if I were marrying again at this age and in your situation, I would to have one room in the house that is just for me, and the same for him.
its funny that i don't feel that need for that with my husband, as he is the one i've been with since age 19. i just can't imagine letting another person so completely into my life. perhaps love could conquer that also ... but I really like my personal space.
I'm hardly an expert, only having been married 2 years, but Kally's advice is pretty good.
Also, if you haven't been living together, just living with someone else will likely be a bit of a transition for you. How much have you spent time at each other's places for extended periods? I'd recommend lots of discussions about day to day stuff. DH and I didn't live together before marriage and didn't have "sleepovers", as he's a really light sleeper, so it took a bit of getting used to. I think personal space is important, as well as personal time. There will be things you do that seem normal to you, but not to him. I find that once we understand the other better we can accommodate things. It's the not realizing that the other person thinks completely differently that is the hard part. I know we both were pretty attached to our routine. Lots of little things we discussed and came to agreements on, so we have some standard rules now, such as no overnight guests, no telling the other person what to do, I don't bug him about housework in the morning, and he doesn't bug me about not relaxing in the morning.
loosechickens
1-17-11, 11:54pm
Kally's advice is spot on......I'd also add that it's useful to understand that the things that literally drive you to consider the virtues of murder within a marriage are seldom "big" things.......just the 101st time you trip over his shoes that he left in the middle of the floor, or the 101st time you finish his jokes for him.
Learning to focus on the positives about your partner and your life, and do your best to ignore the stuff you don't like (because, believe me, it's NOT going to change, whatever it is), is not only good for your marriage, but your sanity.
In over thirty years of marriage, I don't think we've ever had a fight over money, family or anything "big", but we have nearly come to thoughts of violence (and certainly engaged in a bit of yelling) over whose turn it was to empty the dish drainer............
Good luck and best wishes......I'm sure you'll be fine. Private space for each of you WOULD be a really nice thing. We even manage to carve out a bit of that in the less than 300 sq. ft. of this motorhome. My desk area is in front, and his is back in the bedroom, and often the door between is CLOSED!
Simplemind
1-17-11, 11:55pm
First of all - Congrats! I will add that when I married my DH 9 years ago we both owned our own homes. I had been in mine for 7 years and he had built his and been in it for 20 years. We opted to sell mine and live in his because although I was not thrilled with the house the property is out of this world. Since he built it, raised his first family there it is very much his house and he is very emotionally tied to it. I on the other hand have always felt that I was living in his house, not our house. I have remodeled and it is now more to my liking but it still doesn't feel like it really reflects me.
Hopefully you won't feel that way in his. I totally agree with others that it is important that you have your own space.
Congrats! You are at a great age to be married; all the hard stuff is behind you. Best of luck!
Understand that the simple act of marriage will change both of you. It will bring out expectations that you may not have thought about due to childhood and other relationship history.
Talk about everything possible. Establish joint goals. Keep some things separate so you remain interesting to each other.
goldensmom
1-18-11, 7:50am
Congratulations on your impending nuptials. 51 is the perfect age to get married.
I have no advice. Every relationship is different and what works for one does not necessarily work for another. I think what really works for us is that my husband is my very best friend and not only do I love him but I like him too. In our marriage the biggest issue is things. My husband is a keeper and I am not so his computer room/cave is his space and the rest of the house is mine. I do not fuss about the clutter in his cave (in other words, keep the door closed) and he respects my neat-nik-ness. I do pick up after him occasionally but that is one of my 'acts of love' towards him.
katie, that is nice, glad to hear it. Cultivate situations wher eyou both laugh, it will get you through a lot.
Remember that you are on the same team. Have some common goals.
Keep your sense of humor.
Don't ever try to change him.
Congratulations! I'm very happy for you!
http://kuow.org/program.php?id=17294
John Gottman talks about Making Marriages Work. He is a researcher at the University of Washington. I recommend his work!
frugal-one
1-18-11, 4:03pm
Congrats!!! The wisdom my mother imparted on me... start your married life doing things the way you want them to be from the start. I thought that was great advice since when you first get married you want to please... refrain. Later, he will know when you are doing something "nice" for him and not expect it! My mother said she did all kinds of nice things for her husband .. and then it was expected forever more! I took her advice and never regretted it!
Congrats! This is so exciting.
I got married at 20. This sounds ridiculous to say, but I wish someone had told me that marriage is hard sometimes. I was a kid and hadn't learned, yet, that love and forgiveness are more closely related to choice than to feelings.
We've been together 7 years now, and we both really try to be kind to each other all of the time, even when one (or both of us) don't deserve it. I think putting the other person ahead of yourself is really the main thing.
I wish you both the best of everything!
Congratulations!!!
Remodelling is a good idea even just new paint colours to make it seem more 'ours' than his. New linens for table and bath/bed rooms will help.
Absolutely a space for each and an evening separate to do your own things without conflict.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
There is some GREAT advice here. I thank you all. I know we have some big challenges ahead of us (he's a packrat, I'm a minimalist; he doesn't like to talk about stuff, I have to talk things through) and so on. But I think we each have the other's best interests in mind and we have mutual love and respect. And I'm working on getting my own physical "space" because I know this will be extremely important to my comfort and happiness.
Funny, it occurs to me that a while back I posted that I was thinking about getting a roommate, and asked for suggestions. I think the considerations that you all suggested then will be equally useful here!
Anyway, thanks again for your suggestions and your good wishes!
Wildflower
1-19-11, 9:38pm
Well, if he's a packrat and you're a minimalist - that just might drive you crazy!! LOL But if you can work through that then things should be good. :) I got married when I was 17 and we're coming up on our 36th anniversary. There have been some hard times, but definitely mostly good times, and I highly recommend the institution of marriage! Congrats!!! :D
I can't think of any additional advice to offer, but I wanted to say congratulations!!
Write down things that you love about him, things that make you grateful he's in your life. There will probably be times when you're a little irritated at him or whatever, then read those things and think about them. Keep in mind who he IS and accept that. My most frustrating times are when I sort of forget who DH is, or want him to be someone different. I appreciate him most when I appreciate who he is. I agree on not sweating the small stuff.
And, congrats!
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.