View Full Version : How much of it is the people around us?
I've asked my long time S O to move out...that leaves a big dent and hole in my life....but also freedom. Freedom to declutter and try to get my space and life back. I find I don't really want to do anything decluttering wise while he is here and want to wait. How much do the people around us influence our life choices?
Sadly for me 100% I have come to realize this in the last 6 months, well at least it used too. I am 51 and after taking classes/ lectures on Enabling/Codependency and reading way to much since last fall, I understand that I let my happiness/choices revolve around the ones that I loved.
Since 1980 I have lived/moved/traveled to get "back" to see loved ones, for others benefits not really mine. I made so many (if not all)choices thinking it was in my best interest, yet in the end they were to make me feel better because I "thought" they made others happy. But being a Daughter/Mom/Wife I think part of that is just deep inside.
I have only just began my journey to reach a balance where without being selfish, still caring, make choices that are for me. I have expressed how I am changing to my Sons/Husband and tried to my Mom who just does not get it(Mom thinks I am being uncaring).
The other day on an app I have "be happy" the thought was something like, If you let your happiness depend on the happiness of others, well I guess you have a problem. It hits the nail on the head for me. How my choices in life would have been different if I would have known that say 30 years ago. But never too late.
Well, they are allowed as much choice in their housing as we are. It is all compromise and communication and learning to blend others ideas and needs into the "family" lifestyle.
Even outsiders can influence our choices. That is what advertising and all those style magazines and shows are all about, trying to be something different. It is really hard to buck the trends and live an authenic life. Our families and family backgrounds affect our choices in ways that are often not obvious to even us.
So true. If I could only have absorbed key points that are now crystal clear in hindsight, but I was too worried about others and their thoughts and if I was making them happy. In the end really are people that worried about me or what I do? No, but it is hard to accept. I acutally sold a home and moved three years ago. My son got into trouble and I "worried" what the neighbors would think of me. In the end I understand now, I loved that home and neighborhood. The neighbors that I cared about and cared about me, still are still my friends. It was not about me, yet I felt it was since it was about someone I loved.
I went looking at a new cars yesterday. I want to be the person with the best mpg car, I care. I want to be caring about the environment, whole other post. Yet is it with the options out there today which I think are limited. Is it about me or about others thoughts of me. I have read where the Prius has a look that people want when they buy a hybrid so that Others know they are driving a hybrid. Inside I know I drive very little. I put 2,000 miles last year on my Smart that I just sold. So really my gas consumption is not changing the world. I have had a Hybrid inthe past and was disappointed with it. Yet when I looked yesterday I only looked at the best mpg Honda had and the Hybrid CRZ. Neither had the features I really wanted. Got to give up things to get good mpg. I left and thought about it all day, what do I really want???
Gosh I have a long ways to go in choices :)
I had an idea of what you are talking about when I drove my DD2's car out west to her all by myself. I got in the car and then suddenly on the second day realized that I could take any route that I wanted without checking with anyone. I talked to DH each night but other than that, I had a wonderful time travelling and exploring along the way from Ontario to BC. I toured the badlands of Alberta, the icefields of Columbia which are now so much reduced and shook furiously after crossing Roger's Pass where they were repairing the road, driving on the shoulders of a two-lane road about 1000's feet high in the Rockies and had a lovely visit in Vancouver island. It was the best discovery time for me and may be an option for your to consider, ctg.
Ever since, I look at all the options including reviewing what is important to me and also what is not a priority which is good to know in family negotiations.
flowerseverywhere
3-28-12, 7:56am
Tiam, I don't have much to add except I would love to hear what you do once you start the next chapter of your life. I have long wanted to live much more simply and if I was suddenly alone I would have a small apartment with a few possessions instead of my big house to care for. I have been decluttering for years and still am not close to where I want to be if I were alone.
I just read a great book called Dying to be Me by Anita Moorjani, which takes you through her story of being a good daughter, a good student, a good wife, a good employee and then winds up getting terminal cancer, "dying" one night and then coming "back" to a spontaneous remission and a strong message about staying true to your self.
One of the things I like about getting older is that I am settling more into myself and realizing when to let little self-assertions go (like not making DH switch from Deadliest Catch so I can watch American Idol) and when it's the right time to assert my self with no apologies (like when I took up in a little cottage by myself for six weeks).
What I like about Moorjani's message is that when we fully "remember our magnificence" (as she calls it) and realize that the source of that magnificence is pure Love, that Love" tears down the wall of separation between our selves and others, and then we don't have to struggle with the little choices and questions about power and control--all those little decisions will just flow naturally.
I would think others influence our choices much more often than we would like to admit. As someone who has been with the same man for over 35 years, I am just now realizing how I lost myself somewhere in the process of being married and having children. Not a bad thing but kind of a shocker at this age when I ponder it. I have never lived alone in my life so I am not sure how I would react with that sort of freedom to make choices just for me. I am starting to do so though as our priorities and interests seem to be taking different courses. I feel like a fledgling though.
I would say other people influence most of my decisions, but not in an unhealthy way. I enjoy collaboration and compromise and I like to see what happens when my dreams and ideas and other people's dreams and ideas combine. I'd feel differently I think if my opinions and dreams weren't respected, but they totally are. As razz mentions, I am pretty good at knowing what does and doesn't matter to me in negotiations and I feel like I get everything I need and most of what I want. I think I am good at selling people on my vision and getting them excited to participate.
Also, as a mom of little kids, most of my decisions have to take my family into account. Again, I'm totally OK with that. As much as I give to my family, I get back even more.
razz, your trip sounds amazing! What a cool experience!
I have always rebelled against the norm, so I have spent a lot of my time alone doing whatever I felt like. I haven't always made the right choices but I have learned so much from every experience. I don't like listening to people who tell me I cannot do something.....that will ensure that I will try and excel at it! I am lucky that my fiancee lets me flutter about from project to project and helps me out when I need help. At this point in my life, I have learned to compromise, but if the price gets too high for me, I have no problems walking away {like our wedding plans and my mother ;) } The biggest thing for me is that when I am on my deathbed, I can smile and know in my heart that I had a great time on this earth.
One of the reasons I like to travel alone is so that I don't have to consider someone else's wants, needs, behavior, etc... I find that when I am travelling with someone long term I end up compromising so much that it often takes some of the joy out of the trip for me. However, when I travel with my sister, we have worked out most of those little kinks that can drive each other insane and so it's usually not a problem.
And while I am not usually influeneced by others to do something, I did however, put family and pets in front of many things I wanted to do in my life- and continue to do that to a lesser extent. I wanted to be able to stay near my Mom to take care of her. I wanted to be near my sister, wanted to provide a home for my pets (some that I inherieted and didn't really plan to keep), etc... So I found a way to compromise on those things to a way that benefits me as well as them. And of course people who are married or have kids often make HUGE sacrifies about their personal desires to be able to retain the relationships they have. It's a trade-off that most of us have to deal with. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Right now in my life, I am actively choosing not to get married or have a long term relationship because I'm unwilling to compromise on those things I want. So unless I meet someone who shares those things, or doesn't care that I do them, I'll stay single (but dating).
I think that we can be true to ourselves and relate to other people. I know that I relate very differently to my DH than I did in my first marriage. I really had bought into the idea that WE was all about HIM but a quarter of a century later, huge parts of me were screaming to be heard. I realize that the end of that marriage was largely because I had bought into the model, had done things for me but mostly just caved in to whatever DH wanted and thought it was my responsibility to do that. I was unable to feel myself without taking my belief about other peoples`` thoughts and feelings into account (classic case of mindreading everyone) so I was unable to figure out how to Be Me within the marriage. I left, went through a pile of therapy and then another pile of therapy, and I am in another relationship. In this one, we both work actively to know what we want as individuals and try to honour each others`needs but....it isn`t easy and it doesn`t seem to be easier with time, either. However, it mostly works. I do have a better sense of myself, much better, and we compromise and collaborate, but now I insist on being heard and when I don`t, when I do fall into old patterns, guess whatÉ Old stuff happens.
I have some regret that I was unable to make some of those internal changes before divorcing, in that perhaps I could have salvaged the marriage. But then, I notice right away that I am taking responsibility for the whole mess....and that`s what got us into so much trouble to begin with.
In reference to the OP, though, yes, people influence us. But we can learn to check in with ourselves to assess our authenticity and also to stand up for ourselves as needed. But for me, at least, there will be a continuous learning process going on.
ctg492 I love your post and get it-big time. I used to always visit friends and relatives (long distance) for YEARS. After I hit 45 I began to see that I would never see these people unless I did most of the work. Now, when they ask me when I can visit, I ask them when they can visit. If they don't call me, I don't call them. Now they are either out of my life or in it. (There are still a few I see or call, even though they don't reciprocate, and it is just for me. If it makes me feel better, I do it.)
I think the people around us, especially the ones we bring into our lives by choice, influence us and our choices a tremendous amount and that can be either positive or negative. If you are being forced to stifle who you are and make choices or live in a way that goes against your core values and doesn't fit who you are as a person (personality, etc.), then that is obviously negative and probably not healthy for anyone in the relationship. But learning to compromise and work together with someone else in a healthy way is good for everybody.
I've been reflecting on this a lot this week. DH had something happen at work -- not a big thing but it was kind of a lightbulb moment for him -- and he has finally reached the point where he says he is willing to start looking for something else. This makes me very happy, on the one hand, because him staying at my former organization has been a difficult thing for me to adjust to over the past 5 years. I understand and support why he stayed, and it definitely helped us in a huge way financially, but the fact that he chose to keep working for an organization that almost drove me over the brink was not something I found easy to cope with. Especially when he keeps asking me to help him with his financial reporting/budgeting every month/year! talk about thorn in the side, salt in the wounds, etc..... Anyway, now that he is actually ready to make a change I want to do whatever I can to support him. I've worked out an "austerity budget" that verifies that we COULD get by on my salary if he were to decide to quit without something else lined up. We'd have to make some changes -- kids current school situation would be untenable without the schooling allowance DH currently gets, for example -- but we could do it. I am also open to relocating if that is something he wants to consider. That would mean leaving a job I love and excel at, but if we decide together that is the best next step I am willing to do it. The thing is whatever we need to do should be something we decide to do TOGETHER for the mutual benefit of the entire family. I hope that we can use this as an opportunity to work together toward some common goals and make our individual lives and our family life as a whole healthier, happier and more in line with what we all want to get out of life.
I think if you are in a situation where you are constantly at odds about things and not able to come to a mutually acceptable compromise, then there is something seriously wrong with the relationship.
lhamo
My mom is a semi-hoarder… Every time I am around her for extended periods of time, or if she comes over to my house I find myself falling back into my old habits of saving every little thing… I saved the McDonalds orange juice cups because the kids COULD plant seeds in them, I saved a bunch of junk mail because it had neat pictures on it and the kids COULD make an art project out of it, and I saved some button I found in the toy box because I MIGHT find what it goes to… When my mom leaves my husband has to re-remind me that I don’t have to be like my mom, and if I do, our house will be super messy like hers…
100%. I can't clean or declutter when myhusband is home. I have to do it when he is at the office. I find that when he is here I feel as though I need to ask his imput on each purge item that isn't exclusively mine. Whereas I typically don't have to ask him when It's just me at home. There are a few items I have to ask after as they are his, but with jointly used items I typically make the call on my own. No so when he's there, I feel that out of respect I have to ask him. Additionally I feel that as I work, I may be in his way or disturbing him. I find it difficult to take on a task that involves making a mess (such as emptying a closet or cabinet etc...) whe he's around.
This thread reminds me very much of the book "How I found Freedom in an Unfree World" by Harry Browne. He advocates taking a take no prisoners view of your life and the people around you. in other words: Are the people around you and the things you're doing really helping you be who you want to be? If not then change things. For someone unhappy with their life his prescription calls for significant changes after one has figured out what it is they really want.
I'm glad that I mostly view the my life and the relationships I have as being productive/beneficial to me, especially including SO. There are things I'd change if he weren't in the picture such as getting a much smaller simpler home, but in so many ways he's good for me and most definitely adds to my life. And there are some unexpected/unplanned benefits. For example, because of SO I quit a mediocre job and fearlessly moved across the country and started in a new direction in my career, which I truly like. SO also forces me to be more social then I would naturally. My tendency is to be quite a loner. I have a few good friends, but they're scattered across the country so I don't see them much at all now. My contact with them is strictly online/phone. Here we have some decent mutual friends and I appreciate the time we spend with them. But I wouldn't go to the effort of arranging get-togethers or whatnot. But SO does, so I haven't become a complete hermit in this new city. (and we've been here 3 1/2 years now, yet I still feel it's a 'new' city to me)
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