Middle school rants

[Kathy WI]

My son is having a really hard time in his first year of middle school, and I'm getting so sick of it I'm actually considering yanking him out of school in the middle of the school year and homeschooling. Next year a new charter middle school for the arts in opening up in our town, and I want to send him there, but I don't know if my son should even try to stick it out for the rest of this school year at his current school because he's so miserable.

I hate how middle school is so drastically different from elementary school and there's basically no transition at all. In elementary school, they're with one teacher all the time and get to know all the kids in the class, and the teacher gets to know each student. In middle school, they go to a different room with a different teacher and different set of kids for each class. In elementary school, notes were sent home about upcoming events, we had to sign his homework planner every day, and there was a lot of communication. In middle school, I have no idea what's going on because nothing is sent home ever.

None of my son's friends from elementary school happen to be in his classes because the school is so big. It's hard to get to know anybody because they have no recess, three minutes between classes, and twenty minutes for lunch. My son has ADHD and OCD and tends to talk out of turn and make tapping noises, so he get yelled at by teachers all the time, and picked on by other kids. They get lectured all the time about "bullying", but kids that age know how to pick on each other when the teachers aren't looking, so nothing is done about the bullying that goes on.

I'm so sick of it but I'm not sure what to do at this point. I don't know if pulling him out in the middle of the year will look bad as far as getting into the charter middle school, or give my son the idea that "when the going gets tough, quit". Any advice would be appreciated.

[Stella]

Hugs! Middle school is so hard!

As someone who was pulled out of school and homeschooled because of bullying I don't think it sent the "when the going gets tough, quit" message. It sent the message that I was worth saving from, essentially, verbal and physical abuse. As an adult I avoid abusive situations, but I think that's healthy and not the same thing as avoiding hard work and dilligence. IIRC your son is into figure skating, which I'd imagine gives him plenty of opportunities to work on persevering.

[iris lily]

Is it actually hard to "get into" the charter schools there?In my city they recruit students because it's a business and they need your money.

But I'm sorry to hear of this trouble. I vividly remember how hard was that first year of (what they called back then ) junior high with the same no-transition problems, from single classroom to multi-classrooms, multi-teachers, and an ever changing arrays of classmates. I just wanted to sleep that year.

[mtnlaurel]

That sounds beyond horrible. What in the h-E-double hockey sticks are the people that run these schools thinking? It sounds to me like they're just setting kids up to get 'lost' in the shuffle. And 20 minutes for lunch - that's not even good for your digestive system.

Are you in a situation where you can volunteer at the school to feel more connected?

Does the school have a decent website where events, etc. are posted?

It would just break my heart to send my little guy off every day knowing that he couldn't stand where he's going.

Do you feel certain that he can get into the Charter school next year?

Is he too old for a daisy chain where you count down the days?

Can you help him latch on to one final project to focus on and take it to the max at home to help him cope?

Does the school have a compassionate guidance counselor? Or compassionate anyone that could help you figure out how to navigate that yucky place?

[Kathy WI]

The charter school starts next year, and from what I can figure out, they have kind of a lottery to choose who gets into the school if more people apply than they have room for. I have no idea how many people will apply. I also have no idea about whether it's a real lottery, or whether they look at the kids' records and pick and choose. If he doesn't get to go to that school for the arts for whatever reason, they are also starting an online public school, which would be my second choice. I'm just undecided about the rest of the current school year.

The guidance counselor at his school is a really nice guy and likes my son, and tries to be supportive. However, my son doesn't really like talking to him. Part of it is that when a student is sent to the guidance counselor's office, the other kids say, "Ha ha, you got in trouble" and it's seen as a punishment or something that's for dorks. Also, since he's usually sent to the principal's office or counselor's office when he misbehaves, he doesn't trust that the counselor actually cares about him, he just sees it as another lecture about behavior.

Another thing that irritates me is that the school insisted that my son be designated as "special ed" even though he's smart and makes good grades. The "special ed" label was based on "chronic behavior problems" due to the ADHD. I had to go to a bunch of meetings and deal with tons of paperwork for this special ed thing before they would come up with a "plan". Then I went to the meeting to figure out the plan, which turns out to be not much of anything at all other than monitoring his behavior to see if it improves. But it seems like even though he's supposedly "special ed" and they know that his inappropriate behaviors like blurting out questions in class or making noises are due to diagnosed conditions (ADHD and OCD) the teachers still just yell at him like they did before, as if he's just doing it to be bratty.

[Zippy]

I see nothing wrong with homeschooling him! Kids' self-esteem at this age is so important, and it sounds like his had the potential to be battered with what's going on. Good luck!

[Zoe Girl]

I feel for you, I don't think this would send your son the wrong message. I had a similar rough transition to middle and high school for my kids. They have sleep disorders and migraines but the high school nurse would ALWAYS give them a bottle of water and crackers and send them back to class because they didn't look sick. It took forever for my kids to tell her to look at their notes saying there were chronic migraine issues. Most of the time they called me to sign them out without going to the nurse. My middle kid had a real rough time one year and I pushed for a medical excuse and finally the teachers stopped bugging her about missing so much school, we were in the middle of losing our house and a few other stressors so she was just having a rough time. It is really easy to get lost in the older grades and struggle with having good communication from schools. Look seriously at the charter however, I really like the freedom they have to make changes in curriculum and structure for children.

[TMC]

Hey OP. I understand where you are coming from. My son started middle school this year and is also struggling. I read your post and see that your son has special needs however I will tell you my son has an above average IQ and is in advanced placement classes and struggling like heck too. There just isn't any transition from the elementary school to the middle school. For example my son may be very intelligent but he is extremely disorganized, this is causing him a lot of difficulty. The elementary school did more spoon feeding of these kids and now they are dropped into this entirely different environment. He is also petriified of being late to classes, they get three minutes to change class, are trying to learn their way around, have 20 minutes to eat lunch and than instead of any type of recess they get 10 minutes to stand around in an empty courtyard outside. They feed them junk for lunch (we pack) and then there is nothing for them to do outside and kids are often getting into trouble. Of course they are, these are 12-13-14 year old kids cooped up all day and they are not allowed to run around, use some energy and burn off some steam. I let DS take a hackey sack in to use during "recess" and it was taken from him. IMO the schools just aren't stepping back and looking at the big picture of what these kids need. Good Luck to you, you are not alone.

[iris lily]

...and now they are dropped into this entirely different environment. He is also petriified of being late to classes, they get three minutes to change class, are trying to learn their way around, have 20 minutes to eat lunch and than instead of any type of recess they get 10 minutes to stand around in an empty courtyard outside. ...

Why is this still the case after lord how many years now? I've been out of jr high school for 45 years! I'd love someone in education at this level to explain why children at this vulnerable age are still put through this.

Not really on point but I remember being in kindergarten, and going to a small town school where ALL grades were in one building. One old, near turn-of-the-century building where my father and mother graduated from high school, where my grandmother was on the school board. My cousin who was a jr in high school seems extremely grown up to me as a 5 year old. She had a boyfriend and his ring! I wonder how school officials managed high school movement from class to class int he same building with small kids.

[Midwife]

Kathy, I have five children, the oldest two now 21 and 18 have told me that the middle school years were absolute torture! I broke my heart when my daughter recently told me how it "really" was for her :( She is now 18, and also said that the first couple of years of high school were no picnic... My 14 year old son, who is extremely gifted, was tanking, just not doing well at all, he is in 8th grade, and is Mr popular, he is commonly known as the next Jim Carrey!! At Xmas time, we pulled him out, and started homeschooling him, it was his decision; He is a new person! He and I have a great relationship now, he gets up in the am at about 9:30, does his school work, then we go out to the store, go to the library, get coffee, you name it, we have a connection again that would not have happened had he stayed the current middle school course..... I am now pretty sure that my younger two will also home school for the middle school years for sure, and maybe the three of them will do part of high school too. DH has always been very "old school", and had no idea about home schooling, but is sold on it now that he has seen the transformation of Erik. Part of Eriks issue was that he has gluten intolerance, and an intolerance to a number of other foods too, but was not compliant with his diet at school, as he was afraid of ridicule :( He would wake up with terrible migraines, and had to get up for the bus at 5:50 every am!! An insane time for most, let alone a 14yo boy, now his diet is controlled, as is his arising time, by him, at home!
I say go for it, you have nothing to lose!

[JaneV2.0]

Educators will likely dispute this, but adding middle schools to grade and high schools seems to me primarily designed to benefit administrators and principals by affording them more job opportunities. But then I don't understand why it takes two or three or more adults to teach a class with fewer students than one used to manage when I was in school. Home schooling sounds heavenly to this auto-didact.

[dado potato]

Kathy:

Spring is just around the corner, but I think you may be able to do something about these problems, if you adopt a tone of urgency, and get in touch with the school principal.

1. The Individualized Education Plan (IEP): do you have a copy? Does the plan "clearly delineate every part of your son's school experience"? By that I mean his Behavior and Conduct, his Academics, his ability to operate without bullying and abuse by other students (the Social and Emotional component), and Participation in activities outside of the classroom.
Is it really only a plan to monitor your child's behavior? I believe there is a state mandate the school must adhere to, to educate each child up to their full potential. The "plan" and the "execution" of the plan must be more than merely teachers yelling at the child. A parent has the right to question the adequacy ... to ask for meeting ASAP with principal and teachers to review the adequacy of plan and execution.
It may be that school staff have ideas for improving the situation. Sometimes the issue of medication comes up.

Specifically, you have a right to call an IEP meeting, with all the teachers and the principal in attendance. The principal's reaction may be to ask why, or see if there is some way to avoid it by making some informal adjustments. Rather than be one of the parents who are evaded by the administration, IMHO, you should insist upon your right to call an IEP meeting.
If you look on youur copy of the IEP, you probably can find a signature of the person with responsibility... perhaps the title is "Director of Special Education" or "Director of Pupil Services". This is the person to contact if the principal does not agree to convene an IEP meeting promptly.
Failing that, the Superintendent of Schools should be able to direct the principal to make every effort to convene the IEP meeting.

The meeting is to address your parental concerns that the IEP is not working: to identify and correct the inadequacies in the IEP and in the execution.


2. Follow-up. You as a parent have a right to be in those classrooms to observe, subject to the principal's facilitation. Does the staff of the school provide resources as called for in the IEP? And, as an alternative, you can ask to have the principal observe on your behalf.

3. Nothing is ever sent home? I think you can improve on this right away. Do the teachers have your email address and vice versa? You don't have to exchange huge e-mails... but... you want to know when homework has not been completed. You want to be able to report what you know about instances of bullying and bugging that go on in a given teacher's room. And you want to know the specifics of your child's "blurting", "tapping", or whatever behaviors the teachers feel are disruptive. Right?