Ever thought of how your life may have been, had you not followed the path you chose? [Archive]

Mrs-M

5-11-12, 12:38pm

I don't (at all) regret becoming a mom/wife/homemaker, but I do (on occasion) think about what I may have done differently/could have done differently in the way of pursuing a path/lifestyle in another direction.

Possibilities include, something in the professional field, or maybe even a Gypsy, traveling the world over, place to place, working whatever jobs I could to keep me going. It's fun to think about. How about you?

lmerullo

5-11-12, 1:05pm

Not really. No regrets, no looking back and a total realization that my life circumstances (both positive and negative) have all taken place to make me the person I am now.

The only time I talk about taking a different path is when my darling husband is talking about the time suck that occurs with us being so involved in raising the grandchildren. When the middle one is drinking from a sippy cup I am prone to let him know that our car-mugs for coffee are much the same, so they are not too "babyish", for example. I will say something about me not having married him, therefore not parenting our children and thus grandchildren...and then he agrees that we are making the right decisions. (I know that words on a screen convey no emotion - so please know this is all very lighthearted and teasing between dh and I).

I remember as a child that my mom spent a large amount of time supposing what her life "would have been" - and I perceived that as a negative thing.

Mrs-M

5-11-12, 2:17pm

That's nice, Imerullo. :) The course of life is an interesting one, isn't it. For the majority, choosing a path and direction (early-on) often escapes one, but add ten years to the equation and out comes a whole other scenario.

herbgeek

5-11-12, 2:21pm

I can't really imagine taking much different of a path, although there were minor points that I might have done differently. I didn't put the diligence into my schooling that I could have, I was happy to be a B student and have more fun rather than an A student. I likely would have ended up in the same profession, I really liked math and science but not blood or guts so engineering was a pretty good fit for me. Had I come from a different background, I might have had more confidence and tried more things, but all in all I'm happy with my choices.

Bronxboy

5-11-12, 3:37pm

As I've noted here before, I've had less career success than I thought I would when I was young. Overall, I've had an interesting life.

On the other hand, I think it could just have easily turned out badly. Growing up in an alcohol-soaked neighborhood in the Bronx, I could have been shot working in retail or just walking around, taken to hard-core drinking (drugs never held much interest), or suffered worse than my mild case of PTSD.

At several times, I chose to back away from my immediate environment. When I was 20, I got very cautious about life in my neighborhood. I realized only decades later that I knew I would soon leave, and didn't want my luck to run out first.

ApatheticNoMore

5-11-12, 4:24pm

All the time, but you know it's depressing, what's the point? Really it does come down to that, what's the point? Live in the @#$^ now already ... more or less :)

If I hadn't been so eager to get any job at all when I was a young adult, and had spent more time really picking a career that would hold my interest. But we're too late wise you know. Who knows anything about the world (or even ourselves really) when we decide our role in it? If I had spent more time being young and irresponsible (and traveled and so on) instead of pursuing a professional fast-track so seriously (miss that, want that. Since I seem to get ever more rebellious all the time, I'm going to be the most rebellious AARP member on the planet some day I'm afraid :laff:). If I hadn't been so poisoned against so many things so very early in life (against kids for sure, my parents often regretted having us).

But OTOH, I could certainly have ended up in a much lower paying job etc. (honestly I just wanted a job, any job, I wanted out into the world ...). I could have also ended up one of those people that spend their lives being permanent students living with the 'rents forever (I both wanted out into the world and was horrendously indecisive and indecisive could have won). It could have been much worse. It could have been a lot better.

CeciliaW

5-11-12, 4:34pm

In one of those weird coincidences I ran across my first fiancee's name as a survivor in an obituary.
Amazingly enough he's still married to the woman he started dating after we broke up.
That was 38 years ago.
It's unlikely he'd ever find me after all the twists and turns of my life's road.
Somehow I thought my life would be more interesting when I was younger.
Now I'm just happy to be alive.
Who knows.

Bronxboy

5-11-12, 4:43pm

All the time, but you know it's depressing, what's the point? Really it does come down to that, what's the point? Live in the @#$^ now already ... more or less :)
Actually, I have to call it a success. I'm glad that I don't need a scapegoat or bogeyman to get through the day, as many from my time and place seem to. I'm also glad that I've been successful in places and situations very different from the corner of the world I grew up in.

catherine

5-11-12, 5:09pm

Well, I have a couple of things to say about that.

I often feel that when I was in my 20s I rejected opportunities for the wrong reason and that wrong reason is FEAR. One of the big things I have taught my kids is: When you're making a decision, don't let FEAR drive the decision. What would you do if you were not afraid? Ask that question and only then proceed. I did some self-sabotaging in the beginning of my career/life, but whatever. If I had to bury myself a bit to learn that lesson, so be it.
I think that God has a way of putting you where you were supposed to be. One of my favorite books is Saint Maybe by Anne Tyler. It's about a guy who has a plan about life but life gets in the way and he winds up raising his brother's kids. Life is about stepping up to the plate, regardless of whatever your "grand plan" is--kind of like the George Bailey story in It's a Wonderful Life.
So... I only regret whatever I may have done that was a rejection of God's call. I don't know what that is. But I'm getting better at hearing it the older I get.

sweetana3

5-11-12, 5:19pm

When we think about it, we are amazed. Amazed that:
1. We found each other. A NY guy in the army is a blind date for an Alaskan girl going to school in Fairbanks where someone he knew from NY is also going to school. She was persistent in finding him a date. The rest is history and will be 40 years next year.
2. That we took up the totally unplanned job change in the 70s from Alaska to Indiana.
3. That we got to try a corporate move to another state to see how it was and then was returned to Indiana.
4. That we both kept our careers for over 25 years moving up in both organizations and then retiring.

None of this was planned but was the result of taking up opportunities when given and hoping for the best. If you had asked me, I would have said we are the least spontaneous people on earth. However, history shows this is not true.

I could have finished college and gone on to a career in accounting without this husband. He could have listened to the first girl he was engaged to and not left Johnstown, New York and continued working at the grocery store. He could have taken a different school in the military but the data processing one gave him the start to his whole career. He could have said no to the COBOL class that got him his first start in programming. I could have stayed with the boring job at the State instead of investigating new opportunities and finding a Federal job which became my whole career. We could have had lots of kids or not been turned down for our first mortgage which would have meant we would have stayed in Alaska. We could have decided to make a huge amount of money in the short term and work on the pipeline but decided good careers over the long haul were better.

razz

5-11-12, 5:42pm

DH wanted to be a forester, I wanted to be a an advocate lawyer for children. We both did what we could afford at the time. He has had the woodlot and management of one for the past decades to go with his electrical tech career and I have been an advocate for all ages in the oral health field. Perfect for us both and so content with how our lives turned out.

Florence

5-11-12, 8:22pm

I have been incredibly lucky. I married my dear husband 44 years ago. We have a wonderful daughter. And I chose a profession that I found exceedingly rewarding. I honestly think that if I had followed any other path, it would not have been an improvement.

Blackdog Lin

5-11-12, 8:43pm

I am content.

That said, I see two different diverging paths that led me to where I am today: (1) that I blew off the university education (paid for! I was a State Scholar with a scholarship and a Daddy who would take care of the rest!) That one, DH would be gone-to-the-wind due to the distance and circumstances, never to be seen again, and I would end up successful and a sheeple in some sort of suburban soccer-mom la-la land; and (2) 4 years into our marriage we had a chance to move to the big-city suburbs, with decent-but-not-great job offers in our then-fields. I see our life-streams in that one as us turning into yuppies of the worst sort. The same as scenerio #1, only with a different husband.

It has indeed worked out for the best. Rocky and uneven, but with plenty of happiness through the years, and I think we're where we're supposed to be. (We celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary last September.)

ETA: (Mrs. M - what an awesome and though-provoking post. Thank you.)

Wildflower

5-11-12, 10:00pm

I have been happy with my life. There are some things I would go back and do differently, but I learned from those experiences, so they were worth the pain I guess.

Overall, I don't think I would change much. I adore my DH and our life together has been a good one. Raising our kids together - another wonderful experience. I do wish I had taken a different career path, and traveled more before I settled down and had kids.

iris lily

5-11-12, 10:18pm

This is really the only path I've ever been interested in: urban living, no children (I don't have the interest to spend energy on them) and lots of autonomy.

Fawn

5-11-12, 10:35pm

Between the ages of 15 and 23..I kind of drifted. I did what other people expected of me (sort of) and tried several kinds of jobs. Nothing really "took." When I got pregnant, it was (like Annie Dillard said) "like I was a bell my whole life, and never knew it till I was raised and struck." I had a mission. When the marriage fell apart, I needed a "practical job" and went to nursing school. There, I found my second mission: hospice nursing. Those twin roles/jobs bring me tremendous joy and I think the universe would have kept pushing me toward those things if I had taken another path.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be. No regrets.

JaneV2.0

5-11-12, 10:36pm

iris lily

5-11-12, 11:18pm

in the macro, I'm where I should be. Like Iris lily, I never wanted children, and I don't do well in captivity. I like running my own life, however ham-handedly. I do often wonder what would have happened if I had spent my sophomore year studying in Pavia, Italy. (My own timidity coupled with strong resistance from my "just say no" mother quashed that opportunity.) I could have ended up like Amanda Knox, I guess, or blossomed into an expat translator and European accessory hoarder with a German boyfriend named Karl. http://www.kolobok.us/smiles/other/heart.gif

Jane I just Googled an old friend from college and I'll be damned, she emigrated from Atlanta to Venice a decade ago or more! She's doing work in the travel industry and is following a new passion: historic Venetian rowing! How cool is that!!!! She was always out there doing interesting things: acting, music performance, etc. She was always brave and energetic and very cool! Here's her web site:

http://livingveniceblog.com/about_nan_mcelroy/

frugalone

5-11-12, 11:29pm

At times, I have many, many regrets. I wanted to move to Europe, or at least a large American city, when I was in my late teens. I don't think I'd be happy in a city, but I do regret not going to Europe and staying for a while. I was also overly concerned with getting married at a young age (my first fiance married someone else) and I never had an apartment of my own, which I regret. I went from living with my parents and sibs to being married. At times I wish I'd opted for a career that made money; OTOH, I majored in English because all I care about is books, writing and reading. So in all honesty, I cannot say I regret that decision. I'm glad I went to college as an adult rather than the trad'l age because I did not appreciate my education as a youth!

JaneV2.0

5-12-12, 9:47am

Jane I just Googled an old friend from college and I'll be damned, she emigrated from Atlanta to Venice a decade ago or more! She's doing work in the travel industry and is following a new passion: historic Venetian rowing! How cool is that!!!! She was always out there doing interesting things: acting, music performance, etc. She was always brave and energetic and very cool! Here's her web site:

http://livingveniceblog.com/about_nan_mcelroy/

Thanks for that link, Iris Lily! I envy her. I'll be brave, energetic, and cool in my next life. :cool:

pinkytoe

5-12-12, 10:12am

I think about it but only with a small tinge of regret. When you are young, you don't have the perspective sometimes to make better choices. I made dumb choices like not finishing college. My given talent is to be artistic which I never did anything with though I gave it a shot. Given my love of plants and design, if I could do a do-over I would probably have studied to be a botanist or landscape designer. But I can do both right now in my own backyard and volunteer work. I am very glad I had only one child because I got to experience motherhood but didn't have to do it over and over - no thanks! DD probably wishes she had sibs though. Overall, given my strange upbringing, things have turned out just fine.

catherine

5-12-12, 10:13am

I do often wonder what would have happened if I had spent my sophomore year studying in Pavia, Italy. (My own timidity coupled with strong resistance from my "just say no" mother quashed that opportunity.)

Jane, first of all... you and timid are not two words I would put together.
But I had the exact same situation when I was young: I tended to buckle under my mother's fears--I got accepted at Boston College, but my mother found out that the students occupied the Administration Building the weekend I got accepted (that was during the Vietnam years--1970), and she freaked out and bribed me with a car if I went to a convent-like small school (I went to St. Joseph's but never got the car). There were at least two other "emotional blackmail" moments from my mother.. I'm not angry--she was just a fearful mother.

As a result, I've said yes to almost everything legal my kids wanted to do (things that would expand their experiences, that is). I'm the farthest thing from a helicopter mom you'd ever see.

CathyA

5-12-12, 10:14am

I know this is a bit off-topic, but it came to me awhile back: Absolutely every move you make changes your future........If you decide to turn left in your car instead of right; If you drop a sock on the way to the washer, and go back to get it; if you let someone in the grocery line get ahead of you. Absolutely everything you do all the time changes your future forever. I know this sounds silly. You're probably saying "Duh, Cathy!" But it really blows my mind to think about that!

Mrs-M

5-12-12, 12:34pm

Oh, wow! Awesome! Thanks you guys! So interesting reading through everyone's entries. Lots to talk about, so I'm going to revisit later and reread again, thoroughly and slowly, then I'll be back to talk more. :)

pinkytoe

5-12-12, 3:21pm

Absolutely every move you make changes your future
This is so true; have you ever thought about the reason you might be running late to an appointment is because someone other than yourself will be at the intersection where an accident is going to happen?

catherine

5-12-12, 3:28pm

This is so true; have you ever thought about the reason you might be running late to an appointment is because someone other than yourself will be at the intersection where an accident is going to happen?

So, the question is, is that a random occurrence, or is it fate?

pony mom

5-12-12, 9:39pm

I like to think that what we are doing and where we are was meant to be. All paths would have led to this point.

Even though I sometimes dislike my job as a massage therapist (lack of steady income), I'm told I have a special gift for it and it's comforting to know that this gift is being utilized. Ten years ago I wouldn't have dreamed I'd be doing this sort of thing, but the seed must have always been there, steadily growing.

Would I be happier making more money doing something mundane and unfulfilling? Perhaps. I believe the right things come along just when they're needed, and when a change in career or life situation is due, it will all work out.

Mrs-M

5-13-12, 11:03am

Randomness, fate, occurrence, coincidence, I really don't know, but one thing is for sure, there's no escaping it.

Pony Mom. I think the same.

Spartana

5-22-12, 5:34pm

I often wonder what would have happened had I not gotten married - and also not gotten out of the CG earlier than I had planned (loved that life!!). I had a great marriage and we were very compatable but, for me as well as him, marriage itself wasn't enough and we both made so many compromises (some neither of us were happy with) so that we could be together as well as have not only our careers, but our other passions in life (many which were the same fortunately). I wonder how my life would have been if I never married (like I planned) and never had to make any of those compromises? I think it woyuld have been great - maybe better in alot of ways - but probably a tad bit lonely because there were few, if any, other guys like the DH out there for me.

DarkStar

5-22-12, 5:48pm

I sometimes regret not going right to college after high school, in the field I'm in school for now. I went into programming instead, which was fine, but not really where my heart is. Still, I'm where I need to be right now, so I'm content with that.

I do regret marrying DH #2. We were great together as friends, but not as life partners. Still, every relationship makes you who you are. I've learned things about myself in that marriage and in the divorce that perhaps I wouldn't have learned otherwise. I definitely know much more about what I do and do not want in a relationship, if I'm ever in one again.

puglogic

5-22-12, 6:25pm

I still see my life as a completely open road, minus the things I'm just no longer physically capable of doing. In fact, at 50 I feel like I'm just getting warmed up :)

I haven't any regrets about how my life's path has gone. If I did, I'd probably just change it. I'm not one to "settle" for a particular life because it's safe and certain ...if I'm passionate about something, I'd rather at least give it a shot, and have some fun, make some new friends, learn something new in the process of falling flat on my face :laff:

Mrs-M

5-23-12, 11:42am

Great hearing from you guys, Spartana, DarkStar, and Puglogic! Great entries!

maribeth

5-23-12, 1:56pm

Maybe I should have applied myself more to proactively choosing a life path. But I seem to have done OK by sort of drifting along, taking interesting opportunities as they come up.

Mrs-M

5-23-12, 8:27pm

That's just it, Maribeth, being at ease and content with ones choices is, IMO, the most important thing of all! I look at it as a gift to oneself. :)

artist

5-23-12, 8:59pm

I wonder about that all the time. When in high school I wanted to become a lawyer. My father objected (he didn't trust lawyers and for good reason) and felt that it would corrupt me to become one myself. So I picked the only other thing I was interested in.... art. I often wonder what my life would have been like but I know it would be very different than it is now and I'm not sure I would have the same SL drive I have now. I have no regrets.

One thing I do wonder, is what my life would be like if I could go back and do things again, knowing what I know now. What would I change? Where would I live? How differently would I live? Would I have had the guts to follow those little dreams like being self sufficient, of living off grid etc.. ? Hard to say but fun to imagine.